Only he’s blanketed by three Cardinals. Why not go ahead and throw it anyway? Maybe there’ll be a glitch like in Madden and the ball will go through one of the opposing players and materialize in Miller’s hands. Who knows? Life’s an adventure.

Oh, shit. One of the Cardinals did catch it. Well, just remember to show Tomlin your “Did I do bad?” face. He can’t get too mad. He is the one who refuses to use Najeh Davenport in short yardage situations. First and goal from the four? Let’s run it with Willie Parker twice up the gut. He’s sure to move the pile.

Speaking of Willie Parker: would you like to fumble a few more handoffs? Tiki Barber just called. No, no, allow me. I’ll hold the phone up to your ear so you can listen to him bitch about you stealing his schtick. It’s a nice phone. I’d hate for you to drop it, shithead.

Thinking about which play to call, coach? Thinking about a shotgun lateral dumpoff pass on 3rd and 1? I bet you are. Let me just give you a little piece of advice. You see the big strong kid wearing #28 over there on the bench? You know, the one who averaged 11 yards a carry on the afternoon? The guy who only got 2 carries in the second half? The only good player on your offense? The one you apparently assume is made of peanut brittle? The only thing about this season that’s keeping me from drinking a gallon of rubber cement? THE ONE YOU HAD RETURNING KICKS LIKE HE WAS DAVID FUCKING PALMER? Here’s a wild idea for you:

GIVE PURPLE JESUS THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU STUPID BALD FUCK!

Jesus Christ. I hope Ragnar drives over your goddamn head.

Newscast bloopers are a shopworn staple on YouTube, but this one is better than most…

It’s a testament to Everett and his medical team that this screw-up is f’n hi-larious and not a tragic embarrassment for the station. Good on ya, big man. (Thanks to Food Court Lunch for the heads up.)

Now as is the tradition in these parts, here is your gratuitous T& A…

The Redskins have a bye this week. That means a few special guys have a chance to knock out some of that court-ordered community service. To the rest of you: try to get laid this weekend. Cheers!

Though the matchup this Monday night hardly seems in doubt, what with Rudi Johnson ruled out and the Bengals’ defensive unit only showing up as a formality, if at all. That doesn’t mean we can’t comment on this special showdown of intransigent receivers. So, America, WHO YA GOT?

Welcome to the Week 4 edition of Always Be Covering. As you may be aware, the bulk of my gambling advice should not actually be taken. For the most part everything you read here will be in jest, but not anymore.

How bout that! Last week I decided to put a modest wager on my 8 favorite games and I ended up making money. I didn’t even know you could do that! So after a 4-2-2 week I’m ready to declare my self a damn expert. With that being said, Always Be Closing will now be classified as “KSK Insider” material. From this point on this content will only be available to dues paying members. If you would like to keep reading we must insist that you mail us a check for five dollars every month.

….

Seriously, send us some fucking money or stop reading right now. Don’t go ruining the honor system for everyone!

Welcome to the new and improved Always Be Closing…After Dark! Where anything can happen…

No, I’m not on peyote…it just seems like it sometimes. Let’s get to the picks.

Oakland +4 at Miami
Anytime the Dolphins are giving more than a field goal count me against them.

Green Bay -3 at Minnesota
Sorry Drew, but White Jesus is still more powerful than Purple Jesus. Frankly I prefer Earl Monroe.

New York Jets -3.5 at Buffalo
I wonder if I’ll regret taking all of these road teams…nah, probably not. I like betting against Buffalo the way hipsters like detachment.

Tampa Bay +3 at Carolina
I’m thrilled to welcome David Carr back into my world. L’chaim!

Pittsburgh -6.5 at Arizona
Another road team? Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “traveling is a fool’s paradise,” but then he says “my giant goes with me wherever I go.” If the coaches are showing My Giant on the team bus then you have to figure they’ll be pretty pissed by the time they get to the Pink Taco.

Detroit +3 vs. Chicago
I’d rather shave my balls with a fillet knife than take Griese and the points.

St. Louis +13.5 at Dallas
Uh-oh. I hope Jesus heals Bulger next.

Philadelphia Eagles -3 at New York
Will Donovan McNabb still be able to see Kevin Curtis when he’s dressed in the same colors as the field? Let’s hope so.

New England -6.5 at Cincinnati
The second I heard that Rudi Johnson was ruled out for Monday’s game I jumped all over this one. To be fair, I was going to bet on New England anyways, that’s just good business. But considering the injury I decided to put two and a half times as much money on this one than all of the others.

And now a little (big) something(s) just for fun…

There you have it, now go forth and wager.

Reader Scott I. tipped us off to these guys, whose work is featured over at comedy.com. Pretty funny. Pret-tay, pret-tay funny.

Wait, did he just say ‘running from the KKK’? Man, I’ve got balls like grapefruits and I wouldn’t go anywhere near that. Punter would, but not me.

Wade: Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus. Holy guacamole. I hope no one’s using the bathroom stall.

(runs into bathroom, stall is occupied)

Oh, man. This is bad. Goodness gracious, that Chipotle burrito tore right through me. If this feller dudn’t hurry up, I’m done gonna soil my britches. Maybe if I stand in front of the stall like so, he’ll know someone’s waiting to use it. Please. Please please please, hurry up. I can feel that ol’ rattlesnake pushin’ his way out.

Wait a second. I know those boots. Are those rhinestone alligator skin boots?

(stall door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE KAY YAY, COCKSUCKER!!! ANOTHER LONE STAR TORPEDO FOR THE DOUBLE-J!!!!!!

Wade: Aw, shiiit.

Jerry: Boy I tell ya, that there was the single finest dump I’ve taken in this facility. First class. Top o’ the line. Tell you what, Fatty Cha Cha, that’s the kinda bomb that kills Japanese schoolchildren! KABOOM!

Wade: Mr. Jones, you’re blocking the entrance…

Jerry: Yes sirree, absolutely pristine log I laid. It was two-beacher, with NO paperwork!

Wade: Mr. Jones, please.

Jerry:
My turd is big
As an oil rig
(clap clap clap)
DEEPINTHEHEARTOFTEXAS!!!!!!

Wade: Mr. Jones, if you don’t mind, I have to use that latrine myself.

Jerry: Oh, I don’t think so. That bank any takin’ any more deposits for the day, if you know what I mean.

Wade: Oh, Lord.

Jerry: Besides, that ain’t no handicapped stall. And I seriously doubt your fat ass can sit down without a whole lotta help from a railin’. Am I right?!

Wade: Well, if you’ll excuse me, then. I have to run.

Jerry: Shit on your own time, you big fat tube of Jimmy Dean. It’s time to talk about my boy ROMO! Did you see what he did out there?!

Wade: Well, yes, I was on the sidel…

Jerry: Tore that Bears defense a new asshole! I tell ya, my boy ROMO could be elected governor of Texas, he’s such a goddamn star! And this team is 3-0! THREE GODDAMN WINS AND NO GODDAMN LOSSES! Who’da thought we’d go 3 and goddamn 0 with your fat ass at in the driver’s seat? I’m amazed you even have room to work the steering wheel, King Hippo!

Wade: Sir, I really do have to…

Jerry: Listen, Tubby. I saw a power ranking that had us at Number 3 this week. Well, I want YOU to get my boy ROMO up at the top of that there list! NUMERO FUCKIN’ UNO! You hear me?

Wade: That’s fine sir, if I could just use the lavatory for moment…

Jerry: I don’t pay you to squeeze one out on the company’s dime, Pumpkin. Besides, IT’S TIME TO SLAP YOUR TITTIES!!!

Wade: Sir, no…

Jerry: No arguin’! It’s titty slappin’ time, and I’m feeling frisky!

Wade: Sir, I beg of you…

Jerry: I need to slap me some tits! Who’s got slappy titties?! Who’s got slappy titties? Is it you?!

Wade: I do not have slappy titties.

Jerry: (slaps his tits) IT’S YOU! YOU GOT SLAPPY TITTIES, BOY!!!! WAHOO! YIPPEE! RAMALAMADINGDONG!!!

Wade: Sir, if you don’t let me leave, I’m afraid I’m going to make a bit of a mess.

Jerry: Well all right. Get on in there and shit, boy.

(goes into stall, five minutes pass)

Jerry: You sure are takin’ your time in there, Titty Magee!

Wade: Sir, it’s hard to go with you standing there.

Jerry: Hard?! You tellin’ me you can’t handle the pressure, Mr. Kathy Bates?! Well then, consider this an important exercise! SHIT THAT LOG OUT!

Wade: Dear Lord, I’m never gonna be able to do this.

Jerry: YOU DRIVE THAT TURTLE OUT TODAY, PROFESSOR KLUMP!!! MY BOY ROMO AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR POOP! GREASE THAT ASSHOLE! LET’S GO! LET’S GO!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

As we’ve learned over the course of this short season, the NFL is filled with subterfuge and skullduggery, where nothing personal or professional can be revealed lest it be used for bulletin board material or in a scouting report. For those troubled souls in need of release, NFL PostSecret is here.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 10:03 AM
Subject: Lil’ Help

So any chance Iran could help us shore up our defense?.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 5:43 PM
Subject: Bench

You should go to the Redskins. They keep their good players on the sidelines.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 5:43 PM
Subject: Trade

Thanks for the two points this season, fucknuts.

To make further inroads into the burgeoning Spanish-language market (as well as to nominally celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month) you may have noticed that the NFL and NBC made a few minor tweaks to Sunday night’s Bears-Cowboys ass-kicking.

The graphics would occasionally refer to the Cowboys as the “Vaqueros” and the Bears as the “Osos” and Terrell Owens as “pendejo.” The halftime entertainment may or may not have featured 90’s retread Gloria Estefan and AAA-radio (yaaaaawn) favorite Ozomatli. I wouldn’t know because I was watching Family Guy’s Star Wars tribute by that point. In any event, none of these changes seemed particularly troublesome or even noteworthy for that matter.

But then there’s this guy…

“I DON’T KNOW IF WE OWN ANYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE!”

I’m not sure who the “we” that T.J. Douchemanzadeh here is referring to– but at the very least, “they” still own that redneck sleeveless t-shirt and no one will ever take that away.

Look, life can vexing at times. Your car breaks down at the most inopportune of times. Your boss is whipping your ass for no reason. Your favorite porn star suddenly OD’s. But the key to living to see next Sunday’s games is taking it all in stride. Hopefully this guy will realize that before he gives himself an apoplexy.

Actually, I do have one small complaint about NBC’s coverage: the WWF long ago conditioned me to believe that once the Spanish-language broadcast team is acknowledged on-screen, someone will soon be thrown through their table, sending TV monitors flying while babbling announcers scramble for their lives. Think about it. Wouldn’t the best way to finish off Rex Grossman’s career as a starter have been to let Brian Urlacher snap and deliver the flying elbow while Raul Allegre screams “DIOS MIO!!! EL JEFE MUY LOCO! DONDE ESTA MI TEQUILA???”

And… that’ll be all for the Sex Cannon. It made sense to lionize our friend Rex Grossman back when he threw up the occasional 3 TD game. Unfortunately Sexy Rexy is, in reality, just another shit QB. So take care, Cumslinger. It was fun while it lasted. But I think we’re all looking for something a bit more stable now.

But could there be another potential Sex Cannon on the Bears roster?

Well, I’ll be damned.