The Top 500 Things You Don’t Want to Hear About Me That I’m Going to Tell You Anyway
Why did I decide to make this list? Why would I rank the 500 best things things you don’t want to hear from me that I’m going to tell you anyway? Well, you probably don’t care, but I’m going to tell you anyway.
You see, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering, “What do people want to know less about me? The details of my bowel movements, or the sexual positions I use to help my wife conceive?” Ever since that happened, I’ve been unable to think about anything else. So I told coaches and GM’s around the league the list wanted to make, and they all thought it was stupid and senseless. So did my editors. And my friends. In fact, it was readily apparent that this would negatively affect both my professional credibility and my relationships with professional contacts. That’s when I knew I had to do it.
What were my criteria? Did I take a scientific approach and use stats to make my case? Did I base it on each topic’s past accomplishments, or its potential for the future? Did I poll other people and use their votes? Kind of! In fact, I took every step to make it as arbitrary as possible, because that way everyone enters into hopelessly boring and pointless conversations about it.
Without further ado, here are the 500 best things you don’t want to hear from me that I’m going to tell you anyway.
1. Last week I let my wife defecate on my chest. It was a pretty intimate moment.
2. I’ll occasionally get coffee from other cafes besides Starbucks, but familiar name brands make me feel safer.
3. I like the Red Sox!
4. During air travel, I break wind as our plane taxis onto the runway. Instant conversation starter.
5. On Monday night I took in a Madonna concert. She may be a controversial performer, but she’s definitely still got it.
6. Tony Romo’s cock is beautifully curved. Really, it has the size and shape of a jumbo summer sausage.
7. I have this old Underwood typewriter that I keep in the attic. It types in cursive, and the lowercase Q looks enough like a weathered clitoris to give me an erection.
8. Andy Rooney is the sharpest journalist in the country, hands-down.
9. The worst thing about maintaining a healthy diet so I can be less obese? No more deep-fried butter sticks. Heavenly when dipped in mayonnaise.
10. Finally got around to watching Beverly Hills Cop. I can’t say I liked that Axel Foley’s attitude one bit.
11. I had a layover in Omaha on my way out to the Raiders’ training camp. That was where I saw a teenage boy, maybe 14 or 15, wearing an earring! Can you believe it? Where were his parents?
12. Middle-school girls’ softball games can get awfully competitive.
13. I love being a part of the Sunday Night Football crew, but I wish I could get a suit with an elastic waistband.
14. Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future? You better believe it.
15. If you ask me, Lady is the tramp.
16. Kids these days!
17. I didn’t want to ever have to say this, but I think President Bush could have done a better job with the war in Iraq.
18. Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to slap my scrotum repeatedly with a wooden salad spoon. One time, it sounded just like the drum solo from Wipe Out. I wish had that on my iPod.
19. Everyone knows saliva makes a passable personal lubricant, but it’s more effective if you can get some nasal mucus in there.
20. Have you heard about HBO’s show “Real Sex”? It’s wild!
21. Keep an eye on NBC’s documentary series “The Office.” Michael Scott’s managerial skills tell me he’s going places.
22. Did you know that the Newark Star-Ledger has baseball box scores from West Coast games in its late morning edition? Let’s see the Internet do that.
23. At a recent Josh Groban concert, I saw someone smoking what I believe was a marihuana cigarette. I sent a letter to the Department of Homeland Security. They’ll know what to do.
24. My pick for key fantasy star this week? LaDainian Tomlinson.
25. If I had to choose between eating a pound of your standard brown defecation or a teaspoon of that weird green stuff I get the morning after Indian food and six Sam Adams Winter Ales, I’d have a tough decision on my hands.
26. I think this might really be Brett Favre’s last year, but you never know. When I talked to him last week, I could see in his soft brown eyes that he just loves playing the game of football.
27. It’s never too early in life to check yourself for testicular cancer.
28. If Barry Bonds actually took steroids, I don’t think his record should count.
29. Who’s got the best condiment bar in the league? I’ll take Heinz Field every time.
30. Am I really the only guy who wishes he could lactate?
31. I wish onions had a juice.
32. I don’t understand why they’re always putting out new editions of the encyclopedia. My 1986 World Book collection stands the test of time.
33. When it comes to linebackers, the best out there are Brian Urlacher, Paul Posluszny, and Chad Greenway. There’s just something about them.
34. Jack Parr could write a joke about zone blocking that would really make you think.
35. I just can’t believe how good U2 is. Every album is better than the last.
36. If you ask me, nothing beats a good wipe with Charmin White Ultra Aloe — the double rolls are a must.
37. I’m not one to speak ill of others, but The Coffee Beanery funds terrorist training camps.
38. Each football season, I make it a personal goal never to defecate during the Giants’ bye week.
39. You have to admire the way the Red Sox have bounced back this season. Anyone else get the feeling that Curt Schilling has taught Josh Beckett something about winning?
40. Have you tried this Marshmellow Fluff? It’s not only delicious, but for my money, it’s a great home remedy for hemorrhoids.
41. The ficus is our greatest potted plant.
42. Sometimes I picture myself on those airline safety pamphlets chasing the other people around the plane with a Swiss Army Knife.
43. Professional wrestling just isn’t believable these days.
44. Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: What’s with all these lady drivers?
45. Thanks to John Derrick of Butte, Montana. You’re right: the reuben at Beth’s Roadside Diner totally gets rid of that semen aftertaste.
46. One of Mike Tyson’s turds got sold for $31 on eBay. I may never have to work again.
47. Why do snack machines sell things for 85 cents? Who carries that kind of change?
48. New favorite iPod feature: shuffle.
49. Paula Cole, I’d like you to meet Tony Romo.
50. I did an interview with an Internet “weblog” called The Big Lead. That fella sure knows his movies!
(There’s the first 50. Let’s hear the other 450 in the comments.)
Tags: captain caveman, peter king, poop jokes, we could do this all day
August 30th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Oh good god CC, this is going to end badly. And by badly I mean awesome!!
August 30th, 2007 at 10:04 am
low blow with the race stuff. he gave a tip o the hat to a guy named D’Qwell in a column last week. THAT is race magnaminity.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:04 am
i farted on the set of blue lagoon.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:05 am
I got so much hair in my asshole, that I can’t get the dingleberries our easily. Any solution for that?
August 30th, 2007 at 10:08 am
If there’s a better way to spend four hours than listening to Joey Harrington play piano, I sure haven’t found it.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:08 am
And by our I mean out.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:09 am
I was talking to Bill Polian just the other day….
August 30th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Bess Marvin - she is one sharp cookie.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:10 am
I was talking to Peyton Manning just the other day…
August 30th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Staying with BDD’s theme…
I was just having a Mensa level conversation with Matt Millen the other day…..
August 30th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Is there any disease that Dr. House can’t cure? I wish we could get him working on curing AIDS. He’d have it wrapped up in an hour.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Am I the only one who doesn’t like internet porn where they don’t actually show the dick going in the pussy? Have you ever seen a pussy by itself? I dunno. It’s not for me.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:13 am
I can’t figure out how this VCR works.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:13 am
So I says to Mabel - Hey Mabel…
August 30th, 2007 at 10:14 am
Am I the only one that gets prophylactics and moist towelettes confused?
August 30th, 2007 at 10:15 am
I find it comforting when my wife asks me to pick up a pack of maxipads at the grocery store. It lets everyone know that I am doing it with a woman who still menstruates.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Did you know that Verizon has a feature where they can actually take the contacts from one cell phone and transfer it to another if you decide to get a new one?
This new technology is amazing.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:17 am
For all you other parents out there who have had to take a long tedious road trips with your kids, I have one word for you: Gameboy. It is a minituarized Nintendo!
August 30th, 2007 at 10:19 am
I thought last night’s episode of Hard Knocks was the best installment yet. The way it was able to convey the torment Herm Edwards was feeling while making his decision between Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard by showing Edwards sitting at his desk in silence for what seemed like hours was riveting television. Kudos, HBO!
August 30th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Aggravating Travel Note: I was behind a pickup truck with Calvin from that comic strip urinating on a chevy logo. We rush to judgement on someone like Mike Vick for torturing animals, yet thousands of americans drive around with child pornography on their windshields.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:22 am
If you’re a terrorist, your next target has to be Canada. Has to be.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:22 am
I think Roger Goodell is really hoping for a good year on the field this season for the NFL.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Why can’t they just make the entire plane out of the black box?
August 30th, 2007 at 10:27 am
I was walking across the street in NYC on my way to work this morning and a taxi beeped at me. Call me crazy, but I think people have become a lot less civil over the years.
(I think that’s an actually quote from MMQ).
August 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
When Meatloaf sings “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That),” I think by that, he means buttfucking.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Am I the only one that’s ever had an epileptic seizure from watching myself climax in front of a blacklight?
August 30th, 2007 at 10:29 am
I can’t believe I used to masterbate to Britney Spears.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:31 am
At the Bears’ practice yesterday, I asked Lance Briggs if he had been drinking before he crashed his Lamborghini. He looked me in the eyes and said, “No.”
That’s good enough for me.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:31 am
72. When I blow Tom Brady I usually keep it in my mouth until I have a chance to spit it into my wife’s vagina.
73. I just swallow Peyton Manning’s striaght away.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:32 am
You know what’s a good show? The Sopranos. That James Gandolfini sure is a rising rocket in the television business.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:32 am
When you think about it, would John Belushi be as entertaining today as his brother Jim? I think not.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:39 am
84. Have you had a chance to watch “Every which way you can”? For my money, that baboon is the best trained animal in Hollywood.
85. Aggravating travel note: While making the trip down the Turnpike to Philadelphia, I saw some graffiti for something called a “glory hole”. Let me be the first to tell you, if you have never tried one of these, run, don’t walk. They really ARE glorious!
86. I try to be as open minded as I can, but I think that “OZ” on HBO is pushing things a little far. Come on, HBO - anal sex and cocaine belong in the bedroom, not on the television screen.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Roger Goodell’s next move should be to put Valtrex on the “banned substances” list. That will clean up this league.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:43 am
I don’t have the wit to add anything great but I must say number 19 is so so true.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Peter King on The Sex Cannon:
“I don’t know if you guys have noticed this, but to me the best thing about Rex Grossman versus the Grossman I saw in the past couple of years . . .is the touch on his balls. His passes look so pretty, and they are just layed out there perfectly . . . you can tell this is a thousand balls just thrown in the off-season in the dog days when noone is watching . . .”
-Sportsbloggers Live, Best of 2006
August 30th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Aggravating travel note: I was walking around Sverna Park, Maryland the other day and this GUY starting licking my BALLS.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:47 am
You know what I downloaded to my iPod the other day? ‘Nevermind’ by Nirvana. Totally changed my life. That Cobain kid’s really going places.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I know Michael Vick is a sharp young prospect, but I have a sneaking suspicion that his off the field “antics” could hurt him in the long run.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:47 am
Your daughter’s softball game is the absolute worst place to get a NARB.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:47 am
When I am alone I waft my farts to my face. They seem to smell better that way
August 30th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Sure, boobs look good on girls, but they look great on sportswriters.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:53 am
i’m not sure which i like more — brady quinn’s game or his looks.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:55 am
I recently watched the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie Hard Target. I believe if there was one man I would pay money to hunt down and kill, it would have to be Mike Vanderjagt.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Everytime I watch Braveheart I hope the ending changes and William Wallace lives
August 30th, 2007 at 11:02 am
I enjoy the work of Colin Cowherd
August 30th, 2007 at 11:04 am
I eat breakfast on the toilet sometimes.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Why do I look so great in the mirror but so terrible in photographs? What an odd phenomenon.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:11 am
I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
a. Eric Gagne! Waaah! Poopy!
b. Shame on professional baseball players and their steroid use. I can’t relate to their addictive personalities. In an unrelated story, I drank four gallons of coffee and ate a container of raw Krispy Kreme dough before 9 AM today.
c. Tiki Barber’s left testicle is slightly larger than the right one, but you have to get your nose in really close to see it.
d. Did you know that cars come with radios now? No more balancing a phonograph on the dashboard for this scribe!
August 30th, 2007 at 11:12 am
I think white people smell nice.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:12 am
On the first day of each month I eat one pound of foreign currency. It’s how I stay grounded.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Who I like tonight and I dont mean Tony Kornheiser*.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life it’s never bet against a bear, esspeically when you were expecting an 18 year old latino. I’m gonna go with with the Bears winning tonight against the Kings…and I’ll take the under.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:15 am
- found this neat little hole in the wall place in philly that sells something they call cheese steak sandwiches. they’re really going to be a hit one day.
- is it just me or does everyone love getting rock-hard, teenage boners at work while looking at hardcore interracial pornography on their computer? makes you really appreciate getting out of bed every morning.
- picked up the phone the other day and called jesus. he told me that we haven’t seen the last of brett favre. i really think he’s coming back this year too.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Aggravating travel note of the week: my seat in first class wouldn’t recline all the way, so I was only moderately comfortable. If airlines keep screwing me like this, I might have to start traveling by Peyton Manning’s private jet, from which I’ll have all new aggravating travel notes to pass along.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:16 am
the number #1 single in america right now is titled “The Way I Are”
Can our public schools possibly do a worse job teaching the English language?
August 30th, 2007 at 11:16 am
m night shymalan constantly keeps me breathless. i won’t spoil the ending for you, but look out, i’m sure you won’t see it coming.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:16 am
I think Meredith Baxter-Birney MUCH hotter with one tit.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Have you heard of this new band called “the Donnas?”
…I mean whoa, look out.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Gout doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is. Also, I should get this growth on my left testicle checked out.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Nothing clever from me, but seriously, the 500 best players? Why not 1000? Or 1500?
Wow, what an exclusive club. I bet the entire NFL is nervously paging through it right now, praying that they’ve been anointed as one of the 500 best players. And SI ruined the suspense of finding out on our own who #1 is. When I’m reading a list that’s 500 entries long, I wanna sit down and savor it right up until the very end because there is nothing more enjoyable than reading lists. Yessirree, lists are awesome.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Nate Kaeding once gave me a mushroom bruise on my forehead. I honestly have NO idea how this happened.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:24 am
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I still despise Richard Gephardt.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:24 am
that regis philbin really cracks me up.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Aggravating Travel Note: The other day, as we were taxing down the runway, the US Airways stewardess asked me to put my seat in the upright position and turn off my wireless devices while I was holding a conversation with Bill Polian and shooting an e-mail to Brad Childress. Just plain rude.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:25 am
In the NBC studio, Bob Costas kept trying to get me to read a note that said “Hoof hearted, ice melted”.
Still have no clue what that was about.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Music Television? Sheesh. MTV hasn’t played a music video, that I’ve seen, for quite some time. What’s next? A 24-hour sports network airing a fictional series about poker? If you’re going to put what you do in the name of your network, you should probably do what you said you were going to do, because if you’ve gone and done something different, how will we know what you’re going to do versus what you’ve done?
August 30th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Aggravating/enjoyable travel note: So I’m sitting in a bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport the other day, tapping my foot like I always do, when this obese, hairy man suddenly barges in and blumpkins me until I explode all over his handle bar mustache. What a country!
August 30th, 2007 at 11:38 am
The other day, I grabbed a cup of coffee at Starbucks on Fourth. I drove two blocks, finished my coffee, and grabbed another one at the Sixth Avenue Beanery. Sucked that one down then crossed the street and ordered another one at Starbucks. Drove three blocks to Ninth and Washington and grabbed another one, along with a small green tea, at Peet’s Coffee & Tea. Less than one hour after starting my trek, finished off with a grande house blend at the Starbucks on Fourteenth. I mean, what an AMAZING country we live in. Just another reason I love the good ole’ United States.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:38 am
I saw You, Me, and Dupree as my in-flight movie last week. If I had to forecast the future, I’d tell you that Owen Wilson fellow is really going somewhere.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:40 am
I can’t get the clock on our Betamax video machine to stop blinking 12:00. But I’ve found a way to take those lemons and throw a lemon party! What I do is sit in front of the machine as the watch on my wrist clicks down to 12:00, and when it does, well, HOORAY!
August 30th, 2007 at 11:44 am
My wife is going to host something called a “Mandingo” party. If that’s anything like Bunko, I’m relieved she scheduled it when I’m out of town.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Why do I love Football Night in America? Cause it’s a Sausage Fest, and I absolutely love Sausage.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Mr. Bean is finally back in theatres! Did that dought seem as long to anyone else as Colt Superbowl wins?
August 30th, 2007 at 11:49 am
I spoke with Dick Vermeil the other day over a bottle of his finest homemade Merlot and looking at the tears in his eyes and hearing the crack of his voice told me he needed a hug. And by hug I mean some good lovin’
August 30th, 2007 at 11:53 am
If I had to bugger one of my daughters, I honestly don’t know which one I would choose — Mary Beth or the one from the “With Leather” post (or are they the same one — damn it gets confusing outlining the lives of my daughters on a weekly basis…)
August 30th, 2007 at 11:56 am
You know who I find endearing? TV’s Blossom.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:57 am
I ran into Senator Larry Craig in the washroom the other day. Keep an eye on this guy in 2008.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Thank you Sirius NFL Radio. Your 36 consecutive calls about the NY Giants, followed by a legal expert talking about Michael Vick for 45 minutes really makes my drive through the midwest much more tolerable.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Coffeenerdness: If anyone else has had the pleasure of working themselves to cimax while receiving an enema, you know that the act itself is proof of God’s existence and love, then you need to try starbucks’ caramel machienema. Nothing like the aroma of espresso to set the mood as you watch gallons upon gallons of your feces flow forth through a clear tube as you punish your dong and think about Carson Palmer devouring it like a hot dog… oh god a hot dog..oooh fuck.. oh! OH!…..
August 30th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Hey, did you know that “Peter King” is an anagram for “Print Geek”? I just spent three days figuring that out!
August 30th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
I met my daughter the other morning for something she called “brunch.” Apparently it’s a combination of breakfast and lunch. No wonder we’re such a fat country–we keep inventing new meals!
You know who has a fine head of hair? Ted Danson.
If I could watch only one NFL quarterback bang my wife, it would be Brett Favre.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
I think movies like “Superbad” portray male youth in a negative light. Really, what 17 year old male has such callous urges towards young ladies? Although I did find the “blood spot on the pants” scene funny. I cant tell you how many times my mother did that to me.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
I heard that if you have sex with your daughter and she gets pregnant the babies will come out retarded. Is that true?
August 30th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Hands down, the best containers in the world are made by the paper products division of Starbucks.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
My favorite wrap for a makeshift diaper? Saran Wrap. I’ll take four feet of Saran Wrap over an entire roll of Reynold’s.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
Is it cheating if I just copy Andy Rooney quotes? I personally think it would be cheating America if I didnt.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Coffeenerdness: Giants great Lawrence Taylor recently introduced me to something he called “Colombian Coffee.” Whoa Nellie! I had 4 of them and woke up 3 days later on the side of I-95 with my pants around my ankles and a dead drifter in the trunk of my rental car! Sorry Avis!
August 30th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
That Brady Quinn sure is sharp looking. I wouldn’t mind lathering him up in baby oil and letting him defecate in my mouth.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Lacrosse is full of Panzies
August 30th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
What’s better than Viagra for spicing things up in the bedroom? Fatheads.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Mike Greenberg is the Devil
August 30th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
I will tell you one thing: dogs will lick peanut butter OFF ANYTHING!
August 30th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Blogging is a cure for a severe Meth addiction
August 30th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Whats cooler then cool?…….Russia
August 30th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Out. Standing.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Postcard from Camp: Attended the Browns camp last week. I grabbed a plate of extra-saucy chicken wings (A+ by the way) and joined coach Romeo Crennell in the sauna for an interview. As we sat there in but our towels, covered in sweat, with barbecue sauce dripping down our chins and arms, I decided, if he’s as poised on the sidelines this year as he was in there that day, the Browns have their coach in place for a long long time.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
10 things I think I think:
I think I’m no fashionista, but when it comes to auto-erotic asphyxiation, nothing beats my Dockers braided leather belt. Just $19.95 at Macy’s!
I think if I came across an angry pack of pipehead Crips gang-raping Eric Gagne, I’d look the other way.
I think that Anna Kournokova is nice to look at, but she may not be much of a tennis player.
I think I regret getting my scrotum pierced with Clinton Portis.
I think I might take up breakdancing. You only live once, Peter!
I think there aren’t many problems that some interracial porn and a gallon of mayonnaise won’t solve.
I think Peyton Manning’s taint smells like Fruit Loops.
I think this Internet fad may be here to stay.
I think if there’s grass on the green, you play golf!
I think there’s a certain 14-year-old in Hudson, Wisc., who will keep her pretty little mouth shut, if she knows what’s good for her.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I think there’s a certain 14-year-old in Hudson, Wisc., who will keep her pretty little mouth shut, if she knows what’s good for her.
Mark Chmura, is that you?
August 30th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Drew Brees is a wonderful human being who has done a lot of work for New Orleans after hurricane Katrina. He also has a birthmark on his face that provides an excellent target for bukkake parties we frequently attend.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
If you see one movie this year make sure that it’s Wild Hogs.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I’m just glad someone had the balls to break the cycle of sports blogger reach-around and finally say that whoever writes The Big Lead is a retard. A huge, huge retard.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
In 8 days, JET Moynahan has already accomplished more than you will in your entire lifetime.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
-At first I thought that there’s no way Randy Moss could have any impact on the best WR corps in over 20 years… Reche Caldwell, Jabar Gaffney, Troy Brown, and Doug Gabriel (I like to call them the Fearsome Foursome). But all it took was one gaze into Brady’s ruggedly handsome eyes to convince me that Moss might be good.
-I think it was a good idea that I splurged on that extra insurance for my rental that I used for my training camp road trip. Who knew that getting rid of the smell of burnt, dried coffee; pork rinds; Vaseline (By the way, thanks for that tip Peyton. You were right. No more chaffing.); and decaying Wendy’s triple stacks would cost SO much.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
There’s just something about Aaron Kampman that makes me want to rank him higher than Torry Holt, Steve Smith, Adalius Thomas, Richard Seymour, Troy Polamalu, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, Asante Samuel, AND Chad Johnson. Can’t put my finger on it, though.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Boy, do I love Fantasy Football. Here’s a tip, people: It’s never too early to draft Kevin Curtis.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
-The gumbo served at the Saints training camp luncheon left something to be desired. I mean did they lose all their good recipes during Katrina, too? Ridiculous. C-
-Chris Simms… until I met him in person, I thought I was the biggest pussy on the planet. So much for listening to EVERY word Phil Simms says about anything… including herbal teas.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
-I talked to an NFL GM the other day about how best to defend against the Colts offense. He said that since they pass so much that you should either blitz him or drop more guys back in coverage or both. I’m no expert but I think he might be on to something there.
-I’ve driven past or visited Andy Reid’s house at least 29 times since the end of last season and not one time did I think his kids were up to no good. I mean they seemed really into science with all the bath tubs in the backyard, test tubes, and the stockpile of Sudafed. Kids are just so hard to read these days.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
-I think the reason I write about baseball in my column is that I just don’t know what to do with my hands if I’m not giving tugjobs to Bill Belichik and Roger Goodell.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
A few years ago I saw this comedian perform on the way back from my many preseason road trips and I’ll tell ya, that Richard Jeni is one funny guy. He’s probably going to host the Academy Awards in 2008 - look out Chris Rock!
What? Too soon?
August 30th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Bea Arthur: Hot or not? Hott.
August 30th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
a. Does Curtis Martin have anything left in the tank?
2. Giants GM Jerry Reese sure is blacker than I thought he was going to be.
d. I’d do a lot to get some Starbucks in me when I have a real bad craving, but doing a shot of espresso out of Jeff Garcia’s belly button is where I draw the line. Or so I thought.
August 30th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
On my flight to Falcons training camp, two teens in front of me were talking about a Cincinnati bowtie. This is something I’ll have to acquire the next time I’m in town covering the Bengals. Nice to see that kids are still into classic fashion with a regional flavor.
August 30th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Let me tell you something, if you are drunk and live in Philadelphia, be responsible and call one of andy reids kids to drive you home.
Responsible drinking in the name of the game in Andy Rieds House
August 30th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Don’t shave that hair!
August 30th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Someone told me the other day that I should try checking out some guy named Bill Simmons who writes on the interweb. He apparently does these funny things where he takes pictures of Devil Ray games and makes fun of old people. And you know what? I did, and it’s hilarious!
August 30th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
My favorite shit I ever took was one that was bigger around then it was long. Speaks volumes to the expansivness of my colon (excuse the pun). I left it in the toilet for my whole family to admire. I spoke to Wade Phillips and asked him if he had ever done anything like that. Wade just nodded.
August 30th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
Big news in the King Household: the mrs. has agreed to let Peyton Manning father our next child. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m hoping for an audible so I can do a little receiving myself.
August 30th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Quote of the Week XXXVII:
“I have never felt a rectum more relaxed with a cock deep inside as this one.”
– Philadelphia Eagles young QB Kevin Kolb, moments after tearing up my swine flesh, just like he did to those wild hogs back home.
August 30th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Factoid that may interest only me: Have you ever had construda? I just tried it for the first time, and it is wonderful.
August 30th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
I think this girl from South Carolina in the Miss Teen USA, I see her as a Secretary of Education in not too many years.
August 30th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
have you ever seen a small cold nipple, it looks just like a baby toe
August 30th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
I like your town. Stayed there many a night while covering the Chiefs in River Falls. And Joe Thomas’ bride is from there. She likes to fish.
[Note: I couldn't think of anything good so I stole a few lines from the man himself. Jesusussudio.]
August 30th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Appealing to commenters? I demand to know what was done to the real CC.
August 31st, 2007 at 1:34 am
I talked a great deal to Peyton Manning the other day. He told me he hasn’t fisted brother Cooper since he was a sophmore at Tennessee. You know what? I believe him.
August 31st, 2007 at 4:50 pm
If someone bothered to make them, I would wear sock dickies every day.
September 1st, 2007 at 11:03 pm
I think I think that Peyton Manning is a great player who doesn’t get nearly the recognition he deserves
September 15th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
So I said to the guy “Hey, that’s MY anus”.
October 16th, 2007 at 8:51 am
The other day as Phil Simms was showing me the proper way to recieve a “Green Tea Bag”, he said he was considering a comeback with all the hoopla Brett Favre was recieving. Apparently he wants to show that his kid isn’t the only one with a rocket arm and a weak spleen stil.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Let’s say in four years, when Kobe Bryant is considered one of the 10 best players of all time, he migrates to the Knicks in free agency, and the Knicks play their opening exhibition game at Madison Square Garden against the Wizards. You think there’d be an empty seat in the house? Dream on. That’s what this is. Brett Favre, the legend, playing his first game outside of Green Bay after being the sole focus of the sports world for three weeks. I don’t care if he plays 14 snaps — which he did — or 40. If you’re a real Jets fan, and you’ve got tickets, and you’re not out of town, you’d be there.