I’m buying a car this weekend. WOO HOO! Oh yeah, bitch. I’m buying me the sexiest car on the market. I’m buying a car that’ll make panties drop the second it comes within eyeshot. It’s the kind of car that makes catcalls actually effective. This is the kind of car that elevates me to a greater status of human being, richer and sexier than the rest of you commoners. And that car, of course, is…
The Honda CRV. Oooh, baby. Don’t act like you aren’t jealous. This 4-cylinder honey can accommodate not one, but TWO baby seats. And it’s got a cassette deck. Is that Glacier Blue blinding your eyes? Why, yes it is. Advantage: Drew.
Anyway, in celebration of the biggest check I will ever write until my kid chooses an expensive college over a better state school, it’s time for vehicle draft. You’re in a high speed chase! The 5.0 be hot on yo tail! You need a vehicle that’s fast, with a dexterity of at least 17 or higher. The rules: Pick one vehicle. It can be any vehicle, real or imaginary. Let us also assume you have the money necessary to maintain it, or even trick it out. Once you pick a vehicle, wait 10 picks until you select another.
My pick. You know it…
In case you forgot, the Millenium Falcon did the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Don’t know what a parsec is? Well then, fuck you. It’s fast. It can outrun Imperial starships. Not local bulk-cruisers, mind you. I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now. Bitchin. Although I never understood why Han Solo’s ride was the only ship in the galaxy that could jump into hyperspace. Whatever. It’s mine. You ain’t catchin’ me, baby!
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That’s ten headlights, my friend.
Well played, my friend. Well played.
I should point out that when I referenced that film my money was on you being just about the only possible person who would know what the hell I was talking about.
You, and Mike.
A nice shiny Vespa…. the whole point is to get away from the cops; who would believe I would even think about breaking the law?
I see your CRV and Santa Fe and raise you a Grand Caravan with Sto-N-Go seating AND a single CD player. As for my pick, I will go with my 94 Escort wagon. Not even the cops would believe I was involved in a high-speed chase with that piece of shit.
Alright you primitive screw-heads, listen up! I’m taking Ash’s ’73 Oldsmobile Delta 88 from Army of Darkness. This sweet baby was made in Detroit Michigan, has a 350 cubic inch Rocket V8, a steam boiler and a 12 foot death propeller. It retails for about $1599.95 Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. Got it? Groovy.
266 comments and no one mentions that a “parsec” is actually a measure of distance and not speed?
(oh, yeah, putting that physics minor to use finally!)
tricycle with a broken wheel.
owned, bitches. i can’t believe i got this so late in the draft.
Eight fucking headlights, and Racquel Welch.
That’s ten headlights, my friend.
Holy balls, nobody took Ecto-1!
Ecto-1 – Ghostbusters
I’m taking it after Ray Stantz has it all fixed up. The siren alone makes this a great pick. And yes, I’d be wearing the GB outfit.
Final Roster:
1. MIB Alien Ford LTD (or Ford POS)
2. Warthog from Twisted Metal 2
3. Rolls Royce from Grey Poupon commercials.
4. ECTO-1 – Ghostbusters
You can have the Lambo, and I’ll take Paulie’s hot robot girlfriend. “Hey Paulie, whudyagoddagoandmakehrtoklidethafer?”
Rocky’s Lamborghini in Rocky IV. Because I have a lot of thinking to do, and there’s no easy way out.
Too lazy to check, I pick War Rocket Ajax.
And, oh yeah. I’d want something with leather reclining seats that gets really shitty gas mileage.
Yep. The 6000 SUX is off the board bitches.
The Falcon may rule the air, I will rule the sea’s:
The Nautilus of Capt. Nemo
Thank you all for making my lunch extremely enjoyable. Not to mention, 4 hours long.
The Starjammer. And I’ll need Hepzibah by my side. Yeah, she’s alien skunk woman with a tail, but I bet she fucks like, literally, a hellcat. Yeah, I’m a huge geek.
The semi with the Green Goblin’s face on it from Maximum Overdrive. It’s not the fastest thing out there, but intervening traffic won’t be able to get out my way fast enough.
I’ll take Lord Vader’s cruiser because it’s like the BMW 7 series; you know a complete asshole is in there
I want the Rolls Royce from the Grey Poupon commercials, because somebody else is driving and I’m in the back eating mustard.
Now that’s living.
@undead – left-right-up will freeze you…and then the pummeling begins. Plus it’d take about 84 of those pussy spectre missiles to kill Warthog.
A Dodge Tomahawk. V-10 Viper engine with a motorcycle wrapped around it. Alleged top speed: 400 mph.
A rickshaw being pulled by Michael Richards. Throughout the city.
Audi Rs6
Done, and done.
The new and improved Sci-Fi version of the Battlestar Galactica
So long as #6 is around.
@dick_gozinia: you and Warthog wouldn’t even know you were dead until you heard that whistle and Spectre drove past. BOOM!
Scootie-Puff Sr. – the doombringer
Big Daddy,
I, too, just became the owner of a glacier blue 2007 Honda CR-V!
So, this is feels like when doves cry.
Ripoff. OK then I’m going way off the board here and picking my favorite video game vehicle of all time.
WARTHOG from TWISTED METAL 2
(i noticed somebody already got spectre…i fucking owned spectre on that game)
I’m in a tricked out Hummer that shoots homing missiles. Beat that shit.
That six-wheeled car from The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Yes, el duffo, you sarcasm went over my head. My bad.
I take the EM-50. The tricked out RV from Stripes. I don’t think it’s been taken yet, of course, I could be wrong.
In my garage:
1. McQueen’s Bullitt Mustang (I think I was first)
2. Mad Max’s Interceptor
3. T2 Harley driven by Arnold
4. CHiPs Kawasaki
5. Phoenix from G-Force
6. Ambulance from “MJ&S”
7. Speed Racer’s Mach 5
Come on, fuck with me.
The vehicle that takes Bear Grylls back and forth to the hotel every night.
The Wonkavator. It goes sideways and slantways and longways and backways frontways and squareways and any other ways.
@dick_gozinia
You mean the Goblin Glider. Taken.
fallex: I am not the least bit ashamed to love that movie. It is fucking hilarious, and the chase was the best part. “I can’t see, I can’t see… Oh, God, I can see…”
Thinking about it makes me want to see it again.
Whatever, don’t you all judge me…
I wish I’d thought of the Deathmobile from Animal House, I would’ve taken that first. There are no good vehicles left, unless no one’s claimed the GTO from XXX yet, in which case, mine.
I’ll take the Green Goblin’s motorized flying thing. I’d be lobbing pumpkin bombs and bags filled with dog poo at people from above the city.
The Cadillac from Barry and Levon go to the moon. WHere else are you going to find God embodied as a Cadillac Sedan DeVille with $240 worth of pudding in the trunk. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
So to recap, becuase I think I am going home soon.
1. Police Auction 1995 Audi a6 Quattro(A parking spot by my apt.)
2. Stair Car (Arrested Development)
3. White Miata (Super Troopers)
4. Timmy’s Time-Traveling Wheelchair (South Park)
5. Speed Bus (Speed/The Simpsons)
6. Stuntman Mike’s Car (Deathproof/Grindhouse)
7. Motorcycle with Gattling Gun (Machete Trailer/Grindhouse)
8. Barry & Levon’s Caddy (The State)
Jack Black’s chopper that got thrashed in Anchorman, Broseph!!
Donkey Kong from Mario Kart. I don’t actually wanna ride Donkey Kong, just the vehicle. And I’d like the cops to be chasing me around Bowsers castle, they’d have no chance with my barrage of bananas.
Executor. Darth Vader’s Super Star Destroyer. Anybody pullin’ over Vader’s ride? I think not.
The second Voltron. The one with the Lions.
I’ll take Harry Potter’s Firebolt
I’m gonna have to go with Forrest Gump’s lawn mower.
Awww yeah, that’s right!
Wow…with with so many people missing the irony and sarcasm of my millenium falcon pick, I’d swear I was in the comments at N.O.I.S.B.
@smello
Sorry, just trying to fit in with the multiple pick theme today. In all seriousness though, if I had to pick one thing from Star Wars to ride, it’d be Padme.
@el duffo: I’m pretty sure that was BDDs first pick….
In other news, since I can’t take the S8, I’ll jump on board the new R8. What can I say, there’s a slight Audi fetish involved.
The Addams Family dragster.
a lynx with a saddle
The Alien mothership from Independence Day. That was a bad fucking ship.
Fuck and Die.
And please, uploading a virus to an alien spaceship’s computer does not work. Trust me I tried.
Really, el duffo?
Does a transporter count? Because that’s what I really want for all of my traveling & being chased needs.
Can’t believe nobody has gone this route yet, and I went back and forth between a couple of options, but:
The Battleship Iowa.
16 Inch Cannon, Cruise Missiles, and one foot thick armor plate.
Magnum PI’s Ferrari
I’m going to take Lorenzo Neal
I can’t believe it lasted this long!! I’ll take the Millenium Falcon…suckers.
The crystal shard that imprisons people in the Phantom Zone from Superman.
What? I’ve got a thing for traveling in two-dimensional abstractions. …Krypton sucks.
nice slash. I’m ashamed to like that movie, let alone to have heard of it. Good chase scene however.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang because it sounds like messy anal sex.
Oh and can fly, don’t forget that.
The ice cream truck from Cheech and Chongs “Nice Dreams” Filled will killer buds in push up pops and has that crazy fucking clown head on a spring on top.
I’ll take that awesome chariot from Ben Hur, the original tricked out ride. It’s got knives for hub caps.
The trailer from Snatch. With the Pikeys to defend it.
Deathmobile from Animal House
RAMMING SPEED!!!!!!!
The color changing Lamboghani from the beginning of Cannonball Run 2. All I need is a dude with a hose to totally change the color of my ride. Then he’ll need to hose me down because the two chicks who drove that thing were the hotness.
Thor-great pick
Follow that up with the Jackie Chan mobile from Cannonball Run. Invisibility protection
I’ll take the BANDIT MOBILE, that’s right, from Smokey And the Bandit, bitches, and I get away PLUS I get to nail a 1978-vintage Sally Field and I have the greatest movie theme song ever written to listen to while i do it.
East bound and down, loaded up and truckin….
Oh, and although I haven’t read all 200-some coments, I’m pretty sure no one’s claimed this:
I want the bicycle delivery cart that Ryan O’Neal and Barbara Streisand rode in “What’s Up, Doc?” With the Chinese dragon attached.
Hey, I’VE got a 2000 Echo with manual windows (but the driver’s side one is broken, so it won’t roll down). Oh yeah, muthafucka’s bad-ass… 0-60 in about 30 seconds.
It’s black, at least. And 3 of the windows are tinted. Beat that.
I’m taking the Spruce Moose. I said, get in.
My draft recap:
1.) Dale’s #3
2.) Chris Reeve’s wheel chair
3.) Michael Scott’s Labarron
4.) Unit 91
5.) Maurice Clarrett’s SUV
6.) Gob’s Segway
7.) Airforce One
8.) McFly’s Hoverboard
9.) Amistad
My final pick is Princess Diana’s 1994 Mercedes S280 Sedan..and i get her drunk ass driver Henri Paul
The door Elian Gonzalez floated over here on.
(No offense to Cuban’s but were not allowed in your country, are you allowed in ours?)
This is the funniest thing you’ll watch today. Trust me.
Robot Chicken Cannonball Run
And it reminds me, I don’t remember anybody picking the Mach 5 from Speed Racer.
The stretcher used to carry away JFK’s bloody and shot body.
(The grassy knoll is bullshit)
Correction the Machete trailer played in between the movies or before Planet Terror.
The motorcycle from the trailer for Machete in Grindhouse.
I think I’m done for a bit see you later. To recap
1. the 1995 Audi a6 I bought at police auction.
2. Stair Car (Arrested Development)
3. White Miata (Super Troopers)
4. Timmy’s Time-Traveling Wheelchair (South Park)
5. Stuntman Mike’s car (Deathproof)
6. Motorcycle with Gattling Gun (Machete Trailer in Death Proof)
the super-future tank from “aliens.” if it can crush a xenomorph, it’s good enough for me.
The ambulance from “Mother, Jugs and Speed“
Eight fucking headlights, and Racquel Welch.
@smello. Ok, just man and woman then.
I’ll take the flying gullwing Camaro from MASK (that’s Mobile Armored Strike Kommand, not Eric Stoltz and Cher).
Oh fallex, you are just so wrong about the spaceships. There are plenty more to be named. Don’t you worry.