Let me just start off by saying that I hate racism. Seriously. I don’t care for it at all. I grew up learning about Martin Luther King, Frederick Douglass, and lots of other pioneers for civil rights. I admire their work, and I do my best to live my life without judging people based on their race, religion or anything else like that. I’m not perfect, but I try my best, and I think making a constant effort is a small victory in and of itself.

But ever since I was suspended for two games for my double DUI convictions, I do have to say that, while racism really sucks, being white sure comes in handy when you need it. And to that I say, thank god for this white skin!

I can’t tell you how many times having white skin has saved my ass. Sure, I was convicted for DUI twice. But those were just the times I was arrested! I’ve been caught dozens of times. Often with a hooker! Mostly, the cop pulls me over, checks my license, then gives me a playful punch on the shoulder, saying, “You dog, you! Don’t you know we got a game tomorrow?! You go home and get yourself a good night’s sleep, and GO CHIEFS!” I always figured they let it slide because I play football. But then the same thing has happened, like, thirty times to my buddy Roscoe. And he can’t play football worth a shit. But he’s whiter than a stack of Hammermill copier paper. So it’s gotta be the skin. Whew!

And my white skin has uses outside of the legal system. Like the other day, I went to buy a soda, but was 50 cents short. So I went outside and asked a couple passersby for some spare change. None of them batted a fucking eyelash! Some guy handed me a crisp twenty, smiled, and just said, “Pay it forward, buddy.” I mean, holy shit! Can you believe that? That Eddie Murphy skit wasn’t lying at all! That shit actually happens!

Wow!

Sometimes I feel bad that this white skin has proven so effective in helping he wriggle out of jams. But what am I supposed to do, ask to be thrown in jail? Look, I’m only human. I’m allowed a certain amount of self-preservation. Having white skin accords you certain privileges. I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of them. Just last week, some real estate guy offered me a job after I retire. I don’t know anything about real estate. Shit, I went to Idaho State. Sometimes I spell my name with two r’s by accident. But I can white out any spelling errors with my trusty white skin. It’s amazing.

I feel bad that Pacman Jones was suspended without actually having been convicted of anything. And I feel bad that Michael Vick has already been convicted in the court of public opinion. But what good does it do if I go up to the commish and say, “Hey Rog, how about suspending me for 8 games instead of 2?” Not only would it solve nothing, it’s just dumb. Punishing me more isn’t gonna make black player stereotypes any better now, is it? So why suffer needlessly when other people will just keep suffering needlessly? Way better to keep a low profile and let that shitstorm pass right on over.

I guess the league has to act whenever the actions of a player threaten to tarnish the league’s image. And it’s way worse to the league’s image when a black dude is the perpetrator. Is that fair? Hell no. But you won’t see me complaining. I’m just glad those crazy PETA assholes haven’t camped out in front of my house. After all, I do enjoy hunting on occasion. I don’t want them spray painting any of my shit. That’s stuff is hard to get off, and I hate the smell of turpenoid.

And it’s not like the league has control over all the racism out there. They’re in the business of pleasing customers. And if customers want Pacman Jones fucked sideways, what choice is there? That’s just smart business. Either way, I’m glad it’s not my problem to deal with! Some people have even pointed out the hypocrisy of the situation, yet still nothing has happened! That just shows you the power of my blinding whiteness!

I hate racism, but thank God for this white skin!

(kisses skin)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get ass shitfaced and drive down an embankment going 90.