49 Bernard Pollard

Position: DB
Height: 6-1
Weight: 224
Born: 12/23/1984
College: Purdue
NFL Experience: 2
Moves: Plentiful

děkuji: Adam at Arrowhead Addict

An arbitrary number of fast facts about the Houston Texans:

• Amobi Okoye’s cells have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians that I have ever seen in a life form.

• Mario Williams: still a dumb pick.

• For reasons that he can’t discuss, Matt Schaub will soon being changing his name to Matt Thompson and entering the witness relocation program.

• Keenan McCardell returned home to Houston for his 16th NFL season to back up Andre Johnson and Jacoby Jones (who is not, as his name implies, a haberdasher). McCardell has over 10,000 career receiving yards and 62 touchdowns. Accordingly, we expect members of the Art Monk Yakuza to support McCardell’s Hall of Fame candidacy once he retires.

Will Amobi Okoye continue to tea-bag running backs as
he moves up to the next level? Hells yes, son.

• The Texans devoted much of their offseason to strengthening their shitty, shitty pass defense. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, they hope to improve to merely ‘shitty’ this season.

• The backfield committee of Ahman Green, Samkon Gado and Wali Lundy will insure continued brisk sales of Earl Campbell throwback jerseys.

• Gary Kubiak has come a long way since his days of terrorizing Parker Lewis and the rest of Santo Domingo High. [Update: I may have him confused Larry "Kube" Kubiac, sorry.]

Seriously, what’s more fun: carrying a clip board for John Elway,
or whalin’ on some nerds?

The Texans have been the punchline to the league’s non-Browns related jokes about futility for years now. But with Schaub in control of the offense, we think this is the season they begin their transformation from laughingstock to respecting stock. Even if they don’t, Texan fans can at least celebrate finally being rid of David Carr…

For the most part, we love pouring our every fiber into this blog. However, ever and anon, you commenters drive us up the fucking wall, be you taking the same pick in a draft eight times, missing the point of jokes, turning Deadspin into a banal chat room or just engaging into general dipshittery.

Surely our pain is one felt by forum boards the internet round, as a filmmaker over at College Humor has captured all these maddening commenter proclivities in one amazing skit.

Let me save you the effort: FIRST!!!!

Projected Record: 8-8
Actual Record: 8-8
Herm’s Favorite Time to Run Larry Johnson: Third and 8

An Arbitrary Number of Fast Facts on the Chiefs

-There are two Kansas City’s–I think the Chiefs play in the crappy one.
-Brodie Croyle was a cool name in fifth grade.
-Herm Edwards doesn’t like being called Herman. On a more interesting note, the nation’s first television advertisement for condoms aired during an episode of Herman’s Head. That night the show received thousands of complaints–non of which had anything to do with condoms.
-Priest Holmes just criticized his spinal column for holding out.
-Claude Maurice McGee goes by the nickname “Turk” because all of his real names are kinda fey.
-Kyle Turley is half C.H.U.D. and half Morlock.
-Jason Dunn is really two and half midgets.
-Even though he’s 6’3″ Napoleon Harris has been known to wear lifts.
-Jay Z is worried that Larry Johnson is trying to fuck Beyonce.
-Beyonce is terrified that Larry Johnson is already fucking Jay Z.

If you know one thing about these Kansas City Chiefs it’s that Gunther Cunningham doesn’t take lip, he gives lip!

If you’ve been watching their training camp unfold on HBO’s Hard Knocks (not me!) you know that Gunther isn’t just a crotchety old man, he’s nuttier than Chloë Sevigny’s mouth.

Three Quick Thoughts:
-I’m not footballologist but I’m pretty sure those guys need their hands.
-I’d pay good money to watch Gunther try to wrap his feeble old-guy hands around DeMarcus Tyler’s ginormous head stalk
-It should come as no surprise that Gunther was born in Munich shortly after the fall of the Third Reich.

If you are a fan of the Chiefs I offer my humble apologies for the things you’ve read here and all of the misery you’re bound to endure this season.

I went to the Steelers/Redskins game Saturday with the D.C. contingent of that disparate collective that is Steelers fandom at the fetid and unwieldly hovel that is FedEx Field. Despite having our group mooned by a ‘Skins fan in a Randle El jersey, being feet away from two ‘Skins fans getting into a fist fight and still not getting ejected (said another of the Raljon, Md. faithful: “We just like to scrap.”) we lucked out that we didn’t have to deal with the Dead Tree Crew and, even more fortuitously, we didn’t see Steely motherfucking McBeam.

We would have torn him to yellow, simpering ribbons.

KSK Photoshoppeur Dan V. apparently finds amusement rather than thoughts of malevolence in the five o’clock shadowy, swishy figure that is Steely. In a series of pics that’s bound to ruin my season unless the Steelers win the Super Bowl, he draws back the sallow, lacy curtain on the seedy doings of Mr. McBeam.

Did you know that Steely is Karl Rove’s father?

This offseason was much more pleasant when its gayest subplot was Brady Quinn being pictured in the most compromising ways imaginable. It seems these actions only served to sow the seeds of Steely. You’ve inspired a monster, Brady.

It’s a contagion that’s sweeping the AFC North entire, even causing sworn enemies to act out in bizarre, unsettling ways.

Oh. God. No.

Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Dear God, give me the strength to get through this.

I’m asking you, Dear Lord, to have mercy on my poor soul.

Because damn if this isn’t the strongest motherfucking shit I have EVER smoked.

Oh, man. Good fucking Jesus. I feel like everything’s blinking!

(phone rings)

Aw, man! Fuck! I was concentrating on my high, god dammit!

(pick up phone)

Who is it?

Lawyer: Michael, it’s your lawyer.

Mr. Perry Mason man! How the fuck you doin’?

Lawyer: Michael, we’ve made a plea bargain. You’re going to have to go to jail.

Do I get to pass GO?

Lawyer: No, no, no. This is real, Michael. You’re actually going to jail. Your career may very well be over.

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

Say what you really mean, man. Your whole legal shit is maing the left side of my head go numb. Where are my spicy fries?

Lawyer: Michael, I’m sorry. Sentencing is next week.

Next week?

Lawyer: Yes.

So I don’t have to deal with this shit until then?

Lawyer: Well, no. I guess not.

Well then, life is pretty good. You know what I just got into, Mr. Lawyer man?

Ant farms. They’re fucking crazy, man. Look at all those fucking ants. And it looks like a real farm! Hello? Hello?

Photo courtesy of the Onion.

After some Facebook pictures and excerpts surfaced on KSK this summer, the legend of Koolaid Maroney has grown exponentially. Yet time has done little to decode Koolaid‘s secrets of life. We wash our ass religiously, yet we still haven’t divined the mysteries behind ‘begul shitting’ or, more importantly, ‘construda.’

Frankly, we think our readers in New England are slacking on this one. Surely one of you underemployed slackers has had the opportunity to ask Maroney about construda. Koolaid has probably been asked about his increased role after the retirement of Corey Dillon a thousand freaking times already. Enough already. Someone ask something we actually want to know. If Ryan or Shaughnessy are reading this remember, one of you old bastards could land a Pulitzer over this.

In the meantime, Urban Dictionary has some suggestions, including our own, but none seem truly authoritative. Alas, the search continues.

Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
-New quarterback Trent Green only pays $6 when he goes to the movies.
-New head coach Cam Cameron runs with a childhood gang named The Alliterates that includes buddies Jack Jackson, Tom Tomeranski, Dick Dickie, Hank Hankower, and Spanky Assspanker.
-Many people know that former Dolphin kicker Ray Finkle decided to become a woman. But what they don’t know is that kicking mascot Snowflake also decided to become a woman. Snowflake was the first dolphin to practice what is now known in the gay dolphin community as “Bottlenosing”.
-Former Dolphin coach Nick Saban abandons all his mistresses by telling them he has to do what’s best “for his family”.
-Saban has also never seen any of his daughter’s piano recitals, despite constantly promising he’ll be there. Know why? Because Nick Saban is a horrible, horrible human being.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Channing Crowder!

During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with notable players from each team. For the Dolphins, it’s linebacker Channing Crowder, who reminds me of Carol Channing and clam chowder simultaneously.

Big Daddy Drew: Channing, thank you very much for sitting down with us.
Channing Crowder: No problem.

Drew: What’s the origin of your first name? Was your mother a fan of Chinese sleuthing?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Defensive end Jason Taylor is married to linebacker Zach Thomas’ sister. Given that Katina Thomas is from Texas, is it fair to say that she and her parents are no longer on speaking terms?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Many Dolphins’ fans complained when the team bypassed Brady Quinn in the April draft. Is it fair to say most of those complaints came specifically from Dolphin fans in South Beach?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I think Brady Quinn would have been a good fit down here. On any number of men. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I think he also would have made an excellent flamboyant Cuban housekeeper. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: What kind of new dimension will Ted Ginn bring to your training room?
Crowder: Ted is healthy.

Drew: Backup quarterback Cleo Lemon says he would like me to squeeze him until the juice runs down his leg. What does that mean?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I’ve heard that Dom Capers has trained his hairpiece to run Oklahoma drills without his assistance. True?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Let’s talk about Joey Porter for a moment. Did Porter relocate the gayest city on the East Coast specifically to make himself angrier?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Is it true that Porter has been barred by local authorities for driving on I-95?
Crowder: No.

Drew: I bet people have tried to merge on Porter only to be run into the concrete barricade.
Crowder: Joey is a very nice person.

Drew: Joey Porter’s dogs once killed a miniature horse, yet Porter remains free to ply his trade. Is it fair to say that, if people knew how cute miniature horses are, that Porter would be in jail right now?
Crowder: That was an accident.

Drew: I mean, look at this thing. I just want to brush her mane and paint stars on her all day long. Don’t you?
Crowder: No.

Drew: I still think Porter fights his dogs. Joey Porter and dogfighting go together like my penis and Lubriderm.
Crowder: Joey does not fight dogs.

Drew: Remember the movie “Brewster’s Millions”, where Richard Pryor had so much money he got sick of it?
Crowder: Yes.

Drew: How much do you like playing defense? Enough to play it for, say, 58 minutes a game?
Crowder: Our offense is good.

Drew: Are you excited for the Dolphins to lead the league in Time of Dispossession this year?
Crowder: Our offense is good.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Would you consider wrestling my gator?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Channing, thanks for your time.
Crowder: My pleasure.

Like most of you, I’ve managed to accept preseason football for what it is, an imperfect substitute that will hold me over until the real thing starts in two weeks. But lately, I feel like the concept of the whole exhibition thing has really rubbed off on other aspects of my life. I suppose I could give you some examples…

I was going through my Gmail contacts yesterday and noticed that I have exactly 70 email adresses stored there. I sent out a group email telling everyone that they had “better show me something” before the end of the week, because that’s when I’m trimming the list down to 53. Aunt Tammi is in the hospital, so I haven’t decided whether to put her on the injured list or cut her right away and hope she catches on with another relative.

Our local Shakespeare in the Park has been pretty lame over the past month. I hear they’re saving all their good plays for September.

My best friend’s wife suggested to him the other day that they try a threesome, just for some summer fun. He refused, but then she suggested a compromise: he would get to be inside her for the first 30 minutes, and then the other guy would get whatever was left over. I know he’s concerned about “controversy,” but she reiterated that he’d still be the No. 1 guy after Labor Day.

And me? Personally, I’ve been focusing on technique this summer…

Our office had a meeting not too long ago to celebrate our division’s exceeding revenue expectations. At the end of the meeting, I stood up in the conference room and plainly said, “This don’t mean shit. Let’s see y’all do this when it matters.” The veterans in senior management slowly nodded in approval.

The meeting was at noon, and then some kid just out of college finished my work for the rest of the day. Paul in accounting tripped over a open filing cabinet and dislocated his shoulder. Now he’s out four-to-six. Never shoulda been there, man.

I caught the new kid in the neighborhood cutting through my yard the other day so I taped him to a flagpole and made him sing his school’s fight song. It didn’t have anything to do with football; I just did it because he’s a dipshit.

Learn it. Live it. Love it. Purple Jesus is here to unite all people in the name of treating oncoming linebackers like foster children.

It is a new day.