Vick: Whoa, man.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

I am stoned like Betty fucking Crocker. I can’t believe how fucking stoned I am. Check it out! Tree bark is growing on my legs! That is fucking trippy, man.

(phone rings)

WHO’S THAT?

(phone rings)

Quit scaring me like that, Mr. Phone. I don’t sneak up behind you and start making weird fucking noises. Show some goddamn respect.

(phone rings)

Shit.

(picks up phone)

Who dis?

Purnell: Ookie, it’s Peace.

Vick: Oh, Peace! How the fuck you doin’, man? Dude, remember when we put that rabbit in a garbage can and rolled it down a highway exit ramp? That was fucking hilarious.

Purnell: Michael, I’m not doing so hot. Listen man, Quanis and I have decided to negotiate plea deals.

Vick: You’re starting a flea circus? That’s fucking crazy man. I saw a cartoon about that. They were on trapezes and stuff. Really high end, mind-blowing shit. Do fleas fight? That would be bitchin’.

Purnell: No, we pleaded guilty. You know, in the dogfighting case.

Vick: Oh, the dogfighting thing! That shit’s still going on? I smoked up, like, sixty times after that, so I figured that shit was just over and what not. I always think things will work out in the end. You might call me an optimist like that.

Purnell: No, it’s not over. We had to settle with the government.

Vick: Settle? How much did they pay you?

Purnell: No, not that kind of settlement. We got a chance at reduced charges in exchanges for testifying that you were the main financier and organizer of the fights.

Vick: So you get off easier by testifying against me?

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

MUTHAPHUCKKA, I’VE BEEN BETRAYED! YOU SOLD ME OUT, MAN!

Purnell: We didn’t have a choice! We were going to go to jail for years!

Vick: But what about our friendship, man? What about all the good times we had together? Like the time we smoked up and ate that entire package of Hormel pepperoni? Or the time we smoked up and went down to the dock and unhooked all the boats and watched them drift away? Or what about the time we smoked up and I nailed your fiancee? We shared moments, man. Precious memories. And now you’ve gone and doodooed all over them! You and Qyntel!

Purnell: Quanis.

Vick: Whatever.

Purnell: We’re still friends. You know we’re boys, man. No one can take that away from us. But we had to do what we had to do.

Vick: You didn’t have to do anything! Look at me! I do nothing all day! I had to take a shit just now and I didn’t even bother to get up! Now there are fruit flies all over me!

Purnell: This is serious, man. These people mean business. They take this dogfighting shit hard, man.

Vick: But I don’t get it, man! I’m no animal hater! I love dogs. That’s why I like to fight them! I like to admire their inherent dogginess! This is horseshit!

Purnell: Either way man, you have to plea. It’s the only thing to do.

Vick: Fuck that. Nobody can send my ass to jail. No one has my escapability! I’mma beat the rap, then get back to doin’ what I do best: run with the football as a quarterback.

Purnell: But I thought you were suspended.

Vick: (takes bong hit) I was? Man, why am I always the last motherfucker on Earth to know shit?!

Photo courtesy of The Onion