I’m Sorry, Lance Briggs
I am sorry that you wrecked your $350,000 car the other day, Lance. I was hanging in the dorms last night smoking toenails with Adewale and he told me about your car. Well, specifically, he told me about how you wrapped it around some light fixture in the street. A good lighting scheme can make all the difference, so I can see your intention there. Are you alright? I am surprised you could even fit in such a small car. I understand that Italian men are just scale replicas of normal-sized people, and that their cars are shrunken down accordingly.
Maybe that was your plan all along, Lance Briggs. You were just trying to stretch the car out so both of us could fit in there at the same time. You always were a thoughtful fellow, The cannonball home from Lake Forest would have been sweet, just like Miami Vice. I could have been Don Johnson to your Phillip Michael Estrada, but I guess we can forget about that for now.
This just hasn’t been your year, Lance Briggs. I mean, you got stuck with the franchise tag over the winter and all that. Now you’re only gonna make seven million dollars this year, not that either of us could count that high, even if we had like, 94 days or something. It’s a good thing we have direct deposit, it’s just one less thing. Hey, what did you do with that franchise tag? I never see you wear it…
But now you have no car, Lance Briggs, and that sucks. This one time in college I needed a new water pump in my Neon and I had to drop it off overnight, so I know exactly what you’re going through. When your game check comes in a couple weeks, we can go get you another car, and maybe invest some money into some better tires. I know this homeless guy over in Gary, Indiana, so we can register it in his name if you don’t want to deal with the cops next time you plow into an embankment. Think about it, the offer is on the table.
So, do you need a ride to CVS or something?
Tags: MMP, The apologetic Brian Urlacher
August 28th, 2007 at 8:43 am
He was just trying to scare the pussy out of his kid.
August 28th, 2007 at 8:43 am
I know this homeless guy over in Gary, Indiana
Jermaine Jackson?
August 28th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Can we set up an 800 number for a fund raiser to buy him a new car?
Maybe include a teary eyed Sally Struthers?
August 28th, 2007 at 8:55 am
I’d be more impressed if he knew a homeowner in Gary, Indiana
August 28th, 2007 at 9:49 am
Homeless guy in Gary, Indiana: Richard Dent?
August 28th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Homeless: Tank Johnson?
August 28th, 2007 at 10:04 am
I actually could use a ride to CVS.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:05 am
If you’re going to drop Miami Vice talk than you better come correct - it’s Philip Michael Thomas. Nobody messes with Ricardo Tubbs and his glorious ‘Soul Glo’ jeri curl.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:12 am
…and mc whiffs and completely misses the joke.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:14 am
Lance, my buddy works at CVS.
But he doesn’t have a car either. Guess you’re SOL.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:48 am
I think Lance would rather have Urlacher’s girl, the one that comes with her own airbags.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Remember the episode of the Sopranos where Tony has to run from the Feds, through the Jersey woods in the snow? That’s how I picture Lance Briggs getting home that night.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:59 am
@weed against speed:
I got the joke…I’m not that dumb. I just wanted to expound on the glories of PMT. Cut me some slack.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:02 am
I suppose I cannot blame you for that, mc. The slack has been cut.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Actually, the guy kinda seems like a genius. He left the scene of the accident and by the time the cops figured out it was his car, it was too late (supposedly) to check his BAC. So he gets off with a measly $1000 fine. I wonder who he called first after stumbling out of his wrecked car, his lawyer or his manager?
According to the story: Bears coach Lovie Smith indicated the team will not discipline Briggs, whose “spirits were good for being in a one-car accident.”
I like how he lets us all know that they’re not disciplining Briggs, in case anyone was worried about that. Why would they? Do they have a strict no-trashing-your-Lamborghini policy up there?
August 28th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Pfft, Leonard Little thinks this is amateurish.
(Before anyone gets on me about this, I fucking hate it that the fuckwad is still allowed to play in the NFL.
Jumps off the soapbox)
August 28th, 2007 at 11:16 am
I fucking hate it that the fuckwad is still allowed to play in the NFL
But he found Jesus!
August 28th, 2007 at 11:27 am
I wonder who he called first after stumbling out of his wrecked car, his lawyer or his manager?
Actually, it was Winston “The Wolf” Wolfe. Even in Chicago, dumping the dead hooker in the trunk is a job best left to the professionals.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I suppose Sarah Spain would be willing to give Lance a ride.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Why would Lance need a ride to CVS? Isn’t Urlacher the one infested with the herpes?
August 28th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
When I think something is funny, you leave it up. You understand?
August 28th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
I’m a Bears fan, and I don’t care. One of the reasons I love this game is the criminal mentality. These huge athletic people aren’t having a tea party alright? They are having fun with violence, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think BDD would agree.
August 28th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Yeah Chris, Lance is alright. I’d prefer Wale though. Come to think of it, how ’bout both. MMP, you guys are all boys, can you hook it up?
August 28th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
@sarahs: Spain Train, I work for goals, not assists.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:51 am
http://www.dawgbones.com/phBB/viewtopic.php?t=7180&start=15
You really need to read that thread, Punter.