If you’ve ever pined to watch NFL stars going head-to-head with a couple of B-list celebs in a rousing game of Simon Says then today is like an early fucking Christmas. Savor this for all it’s worth, and always remember that Jason Taylor’s “game face” is no match for his “man-hug face.”

That was K-Pax gay. It’s a shame they couldn’t get Pharoahe Monch to emcee…

…and instead of having crappy celebs compete with menacing football players might I suggest another change of pace?

HT: Professional Cheerleader Blog

And a special thanks to my colleague J.E. Skeets. Be sure to go and vote for The Basketball Jones’ delightful podcast. It’s like Strange Brew for basketball!

Enjoy your weekend everyone, I’ll be toiling away over at Deadspin so feel free to join in on the fun and send me some links (preferably the good kind).

It’s the last commenter draft of the year. Next week, this slot will be occupied by the return of the Maj’s gambling column. I’ve enjoyed these drafts a great deal, largely because you, the readers, do all the effort. Well, it’s only fair to reward you. Many of you have been asking for a porn star draft for a while (shocking), so here it is.

The rules? This is a star of the pornographic film industry you would like to perform a scene with. It can be any porn star from any time in history. No soft core actors or actresses please. They have to have, like, done it with someone on camera. For reals. Once you pick a porn star, wait 10 picks until you pick another. If you provide a link to said performer, do be sure to leave a NSFW warning if necessary.

While I usually take the first pick in all our drafts, I’m going to abstain from picking this time around. Because as a husband and father, I of course have never seen a pornographic film in my entire life. Couldn’t even begin to tell you the name of any actress involved in the industry. Nikki Tyler? Who’s that? No clue. A famous judge once said he knew pornography when he saw it. Well, I would not know pornography when I saw it, because I’ve never seen it. Sorry, judge. Wish I was hip to it all.

So enjoy this, the last draft of the year. Around the 100th comment, this should start to get pretty creepy.

Five Fast Facts About The Jets:

-Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson is often forced to give piggyback rides to Chinese tourists who confuse his first name with an advertisement for personal transport.
-Multi-purpose threat Brad Smith will be expected to perform many duties during the season: throwing passes, running the ball, catching the ball, returning kicks, and becoming as overrated as Antwaan Randle El.
-You of course know that center Nick Mangold’s sister Holley is a 300-lb. high school player. What you don’t know is that Mangold has a second sister named Rotunda who just finished up a summer internship as a retaining wall.
-Linebacker Jonathan Vilma is the lesbian lovechild of Velma Dinkley and Wilma Flintstone.
-Andre Wadsworth’s comeback bid with the Jets will come to a tragic end when he accidentally manages to gouge out his right eye with a washcloth.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kerry Rhodes!

During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Jets, it’s strong safety, Louisville grad, and flubby wet dream subject Kerry Rhodes.

Big Daddy Drew: Kerry, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kerry Rhodes: My pleasure.

Drew: You were ranked a stunning 29th on Peter King’s list of the 500 best NFL players, ahead of Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, Bart Scott, and many others. What did you do for King for such favorable placement? Were anal beads involved?
Rhodes: I didn’t do anything.

Drew: Nosetackle Dwayne Robertson was once called, “Baby Sapp”. Was this because he too could swallow a rotisserie chicken whole?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I don’t think of Robertson as a bust, so much as a gigantic, flaming dirigible explosion. Agreed?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Many QB’s have to wear red jerseys in practice. Since Kimo von Oelhoffen is on your team, are they required to wear red pants, socks, and shoes as well?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Jets fans are known for their creative, and often intricate chants. Do you think the chant, “J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!” is easily understood by the common man? Or is it too clever by half?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: If Chad Pennington were to make whipped cream by hand, would his arm fall off completely, or would it just kinda hang there?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: Did you know The Big Lead is gay for Thomas Jones?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I’d tell Thomas to keep away. Anyone who still watches “The Wonder Years” probably also owns a cat.
Rhodes: Okay.

Drew: Laveranues Coles was abused by his stepfather at a young age. And I think he was pretty brave to come out and admit in public. Why do you think so many other athletes are unwilling to speak out the way Coles has?
Rhodes: What?

Drew: Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I got my notes mixed up with Andrea Kremer’s for a moment. My apologies. Coach Eric Mangini is notoriously rough on players for disclosing injuries to the public. Do you think he made Coles run wind sprints after his admission?
Rhodes: No. That would be horrible.

Drew: I heard Mangini is so discreet about injuries that he didn’t bury his own grandfather when he died, and that he currently keeps him in an armoire in his basement. True?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Marques Tuiasosopo: do you really need him?
Rhodes: Yes.

Drew: Will you consider kissing me?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Come on, man! A Jet who doesn’t want to kiss people? That’s crap.
Rhodes: Tough

Drew: Kerry, thanks again.
Rhodes: You’re very welcome.

Why did I decide to make this list? Why would I rank the 500 best things things you don’t want to hear from me that I’m going to tell you anyway? Well, you probably don’t care, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

You see, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering, “What do people want to know less about me? The details of my bowel movements, or the sexual positions I use to help my wife conceive?” Ever since that happened, I’ve been unable to think about anything else. So I told coaches and GM’s around the league the list wanted to make, and they all thought it was stupid and senseless. So did my editors. And my friends. In fact, it was readily apparent that this would negatively affect both my professional credibility and my relationships with professional contacts. That’s when I knew I had to do it.

What were my criteria? Did I take a scientific approach and use stats to make my case? Did I base it on each topic’s past accomplishments, or its potential for the future? Did I poll other people and use their votes? Kind of! In fact, I took every step to make it as arbitrary as possible, because that way everyone enters into hopelessly boring and pointless conversations about it.

Without further ado, here are the 500 best things you don’t want to hear from me that I’m going to tell you anyway.

1. Last week I let my wife defecate on my chest. It was a pretty intimate moment.
2. I’ll occasionally get coffee from other cafes besides Starbucks, but familiar name brands make me feel safer.
3. I like the Red Sox!
4. During air travel, I break wind as our plane taxis onto the runway. Instant conversation starter.
5. On Monday night I took in a Madonna concert. She may be a controversial performer, but she’s definitely still got it.
6. Tony Romo’s cock is beautifully curved. Really, it has the size and shape of a jumbo summer sausage.
7. I have this old Underwood typewriter that I keep in the attic. It types in cursive, and the lowercase Q looks enough like a weathered clitoris to give me an erection.
8. Andy Rooney is the sharpest journalist in the country, hands-down.
9. The worst thing about maintaining a healthy diet so I can be less obese? No more deep-fried butter sticks. Heavenly when dipped in mayonnaise.
10. Finally got around to watching Beverly Hills Cop. I can’t say I liked that Axel Foley’s attitude one bit.

11. I had a layover in Omaha on my way out to the Raiders’ training camp. That was where I saw a teenage boy, maybe 14 or 15, wearing an earring! Can you believe it? Where were his parents?
12. Middle-school girls’ softball games can get awfully competitive.
13. I love being a part of the Sunday Night Football crew, but I wish I could get a suit with an elastic waistband.
14. Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future? You better believe it.
15. If you ask me, Lady is the tramp.
16. Kids these days!
17. I didn’t want to ever have to say this, but I think President Bush could have done a better job with the war in Iraq.
18. Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to slap my scrotum repeatedly with a wooden salad spoon. One time, it sounded just like the drum solo from Wipe Out. I wish had that on my iPod.
19. Everyone knows saliva makes a passable personal lubricant, but it’s more effective if you can get some nasal mucus in there.
20. Have you heard about HBO’s show “Real Sex”? It’s wild!

21. Keep an eye on NBC’s documentary series “The Office.” Michael Scott’s managerial skills tell me he’s going places.
22. Did you know that the Newark Star-Ledger has baseball box scores from West Coast games in its late morning edition? Let’s see the Internet do that.
23. At a recent Josh Groban concert, I saw someone smoking what I believe was a marihuana cigarette. I sent a letter to the Department of Homeland Security. They’ll know what to do.
24. My pick for key fantasy star this week? LaDainian Tomlinson.
25. If I had to choose between eating a pound of your standard brown defecation or a teaspoon of that weird green stuff I get the morning after Indian food and six Sam Adams Winter Ales, I’d have a tough decision on my hands.
26. I think this might really be Brett Favre’s last year, but you never know. When I talked to him last week, I could see in his soft brown eyes that he just loves playing the game of football.
27. It’s never too early in life to check yourself for testicular cancer.
28. If Barry Bonds actually took steroids, I don’t think his record should count.
29. Who’s got the best condiment bar in the league? I’ll take Heinz Field every time.
30. Am I really the only guy who wishes he could lactate?

31. I wish onions had a juice.
32. I don’t understand why they’re always putting out new editions of the encyclopedia. My 1986 World Book collection stands the test of time.
33. When it comes to linebackers, the best out there are Brian Urlacher, Paul Posluszny, and Chad Greenway. There’s just something about them.
34. Jack Parr could write a joke about zone blocking that would really make you think.
35. I just can’t believe how good U2 is. Every album is better than the last.
36. If you ask me, nothing beats a good wipe with Charmin White Ultra Aloe — the double rolls are a must.
37. I’m not one to speak ill of others, but The Coffee Beanery funds terrorist training camps.
38. Each football season, I make it a personal goal never to defecate during the Giants’ bye week.
39. You have to admire the way the Red Sox have bounced back this season. Anyone else get the feeling that Curt Schilling has taught Josh Beckett something about winning?
40. Have you tried this Marshmellow Fluff? It’s not only delicious, but for my money, it’s a great home remedy for hemorrhoids.

41. The ficus is our greatest potted plant.
42. Sometimes I picture myself on those airline safety pamphlets chasing the other people around the plane with a Swiss Army Knife.
43. Professional wrestling just isn’t believable these days.
44. Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: What’s with all these lady drivers?
45. Thanks to John Derrick of Butte, Montana. You’re right: the reuben at Beth’s Roadside Diner totally gets rid of that semen aftertaste.
46. One of Mike Tyson’s turds got sold for $31 on eBay. I may never have to work again.
47. Why do snack machines sell things for 85 cents? Who carries that kind of change?
48. New favorite iPod feature: shuffle.
49. Paula Cole, I’d like you to meet Tony Romo.
50. I did an interview with an Internet “weblog” called The Big Lead. That fella sure knows his movies!

(There’s the first 50. Let’s hear the other 450 in the comments.)

Color us hoodwinked and crestfallen today at KSK. Turns out the Facebook page from which we found so much to adore about Laurence Maroney is a big, fat phony.

You mean to tell me people can make fake profiles of other people? So that comment I have from Jayson Blair on my Wall may not actually be from him? Man, I was hoping that really cheesed off everyone at my newspaper job.

We were sure we were the witless victims of yet another garden-variety Intarwebs hoax.

That is, until we read this:

“‘construda?’ — ‘I don’t know what that is,’ Maroney said”

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

Sorry, Koolaid. You slipped up on that one. Really had us going there. Some of the concessions we’re willing to accept, but construda and begul shitting are just too genius for some lowly internet prankster to have pulled from the ether.

We can easily guess your motivations behind this shoddy denial to a crappy daily with a circ of about 28 birdcages in the Boston area: Chairman Belichick doesn’t brook human emotions and, even more likely, some opponent probably gave you a hard time about the idiotic homosexual speculation that sprang forth from one photo.

We’d hate for you to become another unlikable Patriots player (read: any other Patriots player) so we’re standing firm in our position that this dubious denial was brought under duress. Perhaps Bob Kraft was threatening to cut off your Kool-Aid supply. Whatever. We need this.

[NOTE: Dave Brown, a writer for The Standard-Times, which tipped us to their article, took exception to my description of the paper as a "crappy daily with a circ of about 28 birdcages in the Boston area." It's true: I'm a dickhole and that was a needless cheap shot at some people who were trying to help us. So I'm asking you, dear readers, to subscribe to The Standard-Times [actual circulation: more than 28!] before Dave Brown has someone from the Poynter Institute come and break my thumbs.]

Oh Tom, look! It’s a boy! We had a boy! Or, to be more accurate, I had a boy. You didn’t do jack shit. He’s mine. All mine. In fact, I just came up with his name. I think you’re gonna like it. It’s John Edward Thomas Moynahan.

That’s right. John Moynahan, you heartless bastard. No Brady for you. Oh, were you hoping to continue your name on through future generations? Well then, you better start riding Gisele bareback, if you aren’t already, you negligent prick. You don’t even get the middle name to yourself! Ha! I’m making you share it. In fact, I put Edward first in the middle name pecking order, just to piss you off.

No man betrays the Bridge and gets away with it.

In fact, I’m gonna make sure he grows up to be nothing like you. He’ll be generous, and responsible. And you know what else he’ll be? Gay. That’s right. I’m gonna raise him to be super gay. Positively flaming. Know why he’s named John? It’s after Johnny Weir. I’m gonna dress him in girly clothes, make him watch hours of Bette Midler movies, and send him to performing arts school. He’ll be hitting London discotheques by age 11. Shit, he’ll be gayer than Hugh Jackman. And there ain’t shit you can do it about, you lecherous fiend.

Oh, did you want him to play football? Sorry. No football in the Moynahan household. No, I think he’ll be playing lacrosse. Lots and lots of lacrosse. He won’t care about touchdowns and fly patterns, because he’ll be too busy prancing around a field twirling a basket on a stick. Suck on that.

It could have been different. I’m no slouch in the looks department, my man. But noooooo, you had to have it all. You had to go trotting around the globe with that little fucking Brazilian strumpet you call a girlfriend. Think you can just knock me up, avoid the altar, and then keep living the high life, do you? “Oh, let’s do it without condoms, Bridge! You won’t get pregnant if we do it standing up!” Liar. Time to pay the piper.

So say hello to John Edward Thomas MOYNAHAN. Hope you like seeing him in pink onesies, you fucker.

A regular feature toward the end of the last season, we’re resurrecting the NFL PostSecret post as a weekly feature. Why? Because we can’t bear to keep things from you, dear readers.

As always, thanks to the actual PostSecret blog.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 3:36 PM
Subject: re: Antonio Gates

HUGH!

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 7:35 PM
Subject: Couch

I can’t believe his comeback is done. What will my imaginary family say?

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, August 27, 2007 7:35 PM
Subject: Begul shits

I hope U remember to wash HE ass!

• Donovan McNabb was super pissed when he opened the media guide and saw that Kevin Kolb’s middle name is Kyle.
• Not to be outdone, Andy Reid’s kids have begun staging Persian cat fights in their drained jacuzzi.
• Jevon Kearse and Correll Buckhalter share a single pair of knees.
• Jeremiah Trotter says he’s just 30 years-old but dendrochronologists insist that he’s at least 52.
• Sean Considine looks like he’d enjoy a ham sandwich on Wonder Bread slathered in Miracle Whip washed down with a tall glass of milk.
• Chunky Soup is made out of the McNabb family’s collective excreta.
• Philly’s backup tight ends form the city’s nineteenth most popular barbershop quartet–George Harrison’s ghost finds them derivative.
• Chris Berman has spent several sleepless nights debating the pros and cons of various nicknames for Chris Gocong–each is more insufferable than the last.
• Max Jean-Gilles is pregnant with triplets.
• Jean-Gilles tried to eat Uga VI on two non-consecutive occasions–poor guy’s still scared to leave his house.
• Dedrick Roper refuses to answer all questions relating to Three’s Company.

And now–because I’ve run out of shit to talk about–here’s a video of rather raucous tailgate featuring every Eagle fan you’ve ever met. It should keep hold your attention for precisely 64 seconds (much like the rest of this post!).

Don’t worry folks, the season’s almost here.

P.S. Fuck Da Eagles

Five Fast Facts About The Bills:

-Head coach Dick Jauron is still recovering from half of his face melting after opening the Ark of the Covenant.
-Rookie running back Marshawn Lynch is attempting to fill the shoes of recent Bills RBs Willis McGahee and Travis Henry by impregnating eight women, two does, and a baby sea cow.
-Team President Marv Levy has a lifelong endorsement contract with D. Lucky Lindy’s All-Purpose Hair Gel. “You’ll never fly solo again!”
-Tight end Robert Royal couldn’t catch a fucking O Ball.
-We reiterate that running back Shaud Williams is not a fan of Bruno:

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kyle Williams!

During our 2007 NFL Preview, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Bills, it’s defensive tackle and jolly looking fellow Kyle Williams.

Big Daddy Drew: Kyle, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kyle Williams: Sure. No problem.

Drew: You sort of look like Tobey Maguire on the days he takes his depression meds. You ever get that?
Williams: No.

Drew: You went to LSU. Earlier this year, LSU women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatman was fired for having affairs with her players. I saw the movie “Chasing Amy” once, and the annoying bitch who always cried in that flick said lesbians make love by fisting one another. My question is, when you bounce an LSU practice ball, does it stick to the court?
Williams: I have no idea.

Drew: Buffalo fans are famed for attending games shirtless. Is it fun to know that, when you take the field, you’re gonna see lots of tits, both male and female?
Williams: I don’t look into the stands.

Drew: The Bills have one of the more tortured fanbases in the league. Did Marv Levy hire Dick Jauron just to twist the knife a little bit more?
Williams: Coach Jauron is a good coach.

Drew: I heard Paul Posluszny is so dumb that if you staple a tail to his pants he chases it. True?
Williams: No.

Drew: The Bills traded Willis McGahee in the offseason. How has McGahee’s departure affected the area’s Planned Parenthood clinics? I heard many of them had to be shuttered.
Williams: I don’t know.

Drew: Does Roscoe Parrish own a last basset hound named Flash?
Williams: No.

Drew: Linebacker Coy Wire has a bitchin’ name. If I were him, after every tackle, I’d jump up and shout, “’CAUSE I’M ALIVE!!!!! A LIVE WI-AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Wouldn’t you?
Williams: No.

Drew: Larry Triplett: fat lineman, or fattest lineman?
Williams: Fat lineman.

Drew: Quarterback JP Losman has a reputation for being somewhat cocky. But isn’t that somewhat earned on his part? I think he’s fucking dreamy. And so does most of the gay population in Buffalo. I think they like his unkempt hair and free-loving spirit. Don’t you?
Williams: I have no idea.

Drew: Shouldn’t Peerless Price really be named Peer Price?
Williams: Peerless is damn good.

Drew: Offensive line coach Jim McNally terrifies me. Look at this picture.

Does McNally ever wear a hooded cloak and start saying shit like, “It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!”?
Williams: No.

Drew: Kyle, thanks for your time.
Williams: You’re welcome.

BONUS: 289 provides this stunning video of Marshawn Lynch’s philosophical viewpoints. Kudos to you, 289. You are solid. And it don’t get no better than solid.