I have officially received over 5,000 links from people about the fact that “Man Vs. Wild” is rigged. I know. I read too, people. I can find this shit on my own. You can stop with the schaudenfraude now.

These Bear haters out there make me sick. Why don’t you just tell me Santa Claus doesn’t exist?! It’s not important that Bear’s show is real, okay? It’s only important that I believe it’s real. And these “investigative reporters” and “government officials” are making that a real bitch. Can’t they just leave me and my man-crush alone? They’re ruining the latent homosexual fantasy for everyone, especially me. The man ate a live fish and drank elephant shitjuice. Okay? He’s a badass. Does no one appreciate a little showmanship anymore?!

Besides, how do you know the Pine Resort Hotel At Bass Lake wasn’t haunted?! Maybe he needed to go kick some ghost ass or something! Or maybe the internet access at the resort was dial-up! Tell me you could survive that! Or maybe he needed to save other guests from a man-eating rhino that had been helicoptered in! Okay? It’s conceivable. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

/breaks down crying

OH, BEAR! Why did you do it, Bear? I thought I knew you! I thought you were rugged! I thought you were a bigger man than Les Stroud, who bores the shit outta me! Now, it’s like I don’t even know you! All the letters I wrote to you… all the photos I had framed… all the Vermont Teddy Bears I outfitted with fleece vests… all the high tech surveillance I conducted on your family… ALL FOR NOTHING! We could have had it all! We could have shared blueberry pancakes together! How dare you betray your secret gay lover #1 fan? You bastard! I’ll never watch a one-man-surviving-barren-landscapes show again!

I hate you! I hate you!

Unless you want to get a beer sometime or something. That would be kinda cool.

Oh, and the video above is of lions stalking and taking down an elephant in the dead of night. Fast forward to the end to get to good stuff. TELL ME IT REALLY HAPPENED, BEAR!!!!