Try to Tackle the Juice and He’ll Cut Your Ass
You might have heard about this new game, All-Pro Football 2K8 (that’s gamer language for “Too Kate” — which I assume is a a tender dedication from the game’s programmer to e-lover). It’s the one that couldn’t get licensing from the NFL so they simply created their own fictional franchises and stocked the rosters with former NFL legends. While the game’s cover features such respectable citizens as John Elway, Jerry Rice, and Barry Sanders (very careful to put the white guy in the middle) the real star is on the inside…
(watch it all, the highlight comes at the very end).
Now let’s recap…
You’ve got OJ Simpson in a video game. Fair enough.
You make OJ the star player on a team called The Assassins. Pretty Questionable.
Your mascot for the Assassins is a giant, hooded, knife-wielding maniac who celebrates touchdowns with a stabbing motion? Bellissimo!
I find this intriguing and I believe it’s my duty to expand on the idea. Here are my suggestions for All-Pro Football 2K9 (e-bestiality is not cool!)…
Player
Rae Carruth
Team
The Toofers
Mascot:
Player
Ricky Williams
Team
The Bong Squad
Mascot:
via BreakTaker.com
Player
Mark Chmura
Team
The Predators
Logo:
Players
Jerramy Stevens and Leonard Little*
Team
The Breathalyzerz
Mascot and Logo:
*at least one of them should be out of the league by then.
We welcome your Player/Team/Mascot (and/or logo) suggestions in the comments.
Tags: criminals, i could do this all day, OJ, Unsilent Majority, video games
July 24th, 2007 at 12:59 am
Is it too early to consider Brady Quinn for this game? Career-ending injury due to rough anal sex forcing him to retire.
His team and logo could remain the same, since The Browns seems to fit.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:33 am
Player - Michael Vick
Team - The Dog Fighters
Mascot - Pit Bull
OK - it’s late and originality left about an hour ago; plus I have been in Vegas since Sunday afternoon and well….enough said.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:22 am
Player - Bill Maas
Team - The Designated Drivers
Mascot - Matty The Mangled Mazda
—
Player - Kellen Winslow & Ben Roethlisberger
Team - Hell’s Angels
Mascot - Biker with a broken arm
—
Player - Brady Quinn
Team - Rainbow Warriors
Mascot - Pat, the ambiguously gendered Trojan
—
For the NBA expansion…
Player - Charles Barkley
Team - The Longshots
Mascot - The Monopoly Guy (with his pockets pulled out)
July 24th, 2007 at 2:27 am
The Cincinatti Bengals.
Team:
The Cincinatti Bengals.
Mascot:
Billy the Guard of Federal Pound Me in the Ass Prison.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:28 am
Player: Eli Manning
Team: Third Down Syndrome
Mascot: Chris “Corky” Burke
Logo: 21 Confused Mongols
Stadium: The ChromosDome
I am going: Straight to Hell
July 24th, 2007 at 7:36 am
wow, I haven’t seen a gas mask pipe in years. Not…that…I…ever…had….one
July 24th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Player: Joe Horn
Team: The Joe Horns
Mascot: Joe Horn
Logo: Joe Horn
Stadium: Joe Horn Arena
Team Motto: “Joe Horn!”
July 24th, 2007 at 8:45 am
Player: Terrence Kiel
Team: Purple Drank
Mascot: A giant purple pill
Logo: A giant purple pill
Player: Fred Smoot
Team: Double Dongers
Mascot: Two-headed dildo
Logo: You expected anything different?
July 24th, 2007 at 8:58 am
Player: Eric Andolsek
Team: Left Guardeners
logo: semi-truck
July 24th, 2007 at 9:06 am
Player: Maurice Clarett
Team: The Rodney Kings
Logo: ATF Logo
July 24th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Player - Orlando Brown
Team - Waving Hankies
Mascot - Helen Keller
July 24th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Player - Micheal Irvin
Team - The Free-Base All Stars
Mascot - Crack Rock/Whore
July 24th, 2007 at 9:25 am
madden still wins
July 24th, 2007 at 9:30 am
Player: Tom Brady
Team: The Baby Daddies
Mascot: White trash Barbie
Logo: Giant sperm bursting through a wall
Player: Rex Grossman (isn’t that obvious?)
Team: The Sex Cannons
Mascot: Arm cock
Logo: Football covered in Rex Jelly
July 24th, 2007 at 9:46 am
I believe it was a clear plastic slammer that had OJ’s face behind bars and said “The Juice is Loose.”
I… uh, I have no excuse for knowing that.
July 24th, 2007 at 10:03 am
Going old school…
Player- Reggie Rogers
Team- the Hanoi Rocks
Mascot- Vince Neil/ Stephen Hawking
July 24th, 2007 at 10:15 am
JESUS CHRIST!!!
I wonder if he wore a cloak like that when he chopped up his ex-….
July 24th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Player: Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones
Team: The Rainiacs
Mascot: A Indian Dancing
Team Logo: Strippers Riding on a Ark, 2 by 2 of course
July 24th, 2007 at 10:52 am
player - lawrence maroney
team - team construda
mascot - giant kool-aid guy
this was very unoriginal.
July 24th, 2007 at 11:10 am
@k-rock:
That also works for Steve Foley. Add him to The Rodney Kings roster.
July 24th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Player: Larry Fitzgerald
Team Name: Crackaz
Mascot: A giant Ritz cracker, it will be as famous as the Syracuse fucking Orange.
Logo: Matt Leinart and Quan eating Ritzs.
July 24th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Player: Lawrence Phillips
Team Name: The Blindsiders
Logo: Crumpled-up Steve Young
Mascot: Bitch with two black eyes.
TD Celebration: Car drives through children’s pick-up football game
July 24th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Player: Ricky Manning, Jr.
Team: The NerdBusters
Logo: Ghostbusters logo with Professor Frink instead of the ghost
Mascot: A pit bull with a nerd doll sewn to its jaws
TD Celebration: One guy mimes typing while the other delivers a swift kick to the groin
July 24th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Starting at safety for yoooouuuur Afghanistan FriendlyFire, number 40, Pat Tillman.
July 24th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Player: Brian Bosworth
Team: The Sugar Walls
Logo: a Georgia O’Keefe painting
Mascot: a Linebacker soaked in his own urine.
Team Motto: “You wouldn’t hit someone wear wrap-around shades, would you?!”
July 24th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Player: Gilbert Brown
Team: Miami Flubberbusters
Logo: Fat guy on a couch
Mascot: Jim Belushi
Player: Ryan Leaf
Team: Chicago Success
Logo: Thumbs up with a check mark behind it
Mascot: Charles Rogers and Akili Smith as themselves
Player: Mike Vanderjagt
Team: Indianapolis Drunken Kickers
Logo: Foot kicking a bottle of booze
Mascot: Capitain Morgan
July 24th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Though he’ll never make it to the league,
Player: Dominic Jones (formerly of the University of Minnesota)
Team: The Analrapists
Logo: a bed with a passed-out girl face down on it
Mascot: Tobias Funke
TD Celebration: one guy thrusts his pelvis, another mimes taking pictures
July 24th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Player:
Terrell Owens
Team:
Pillzapoppin’
Mascot:
Courtney Love
Endorsements:
Char-Cola, Pfizer
July 24th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Player: Cecil Collins
Team: The Breakers and Enterers
Logo: Your adolescent daughter’s bed
July 24th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Player: Eugene Robinson
Team: Miami Johns
Logo: Guy in a car with window half down, at night scanning the sidewalks
Mascot: Don Magic Juan
Celebration: Not after the TD, but rather before the game. Reaches for wallet, gets handcuffed …
July 24th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Player: Shawne Merriman
Team: Bay Area Collective Rage
Logo: Chris Benoit and his slain family
Mascot: Benoit’s reanimated zombie corpse
Celebration: stick a syringe in the ass, murder a fan
Sponsor: Vitamin Water
Player: Michael Vick
Team: New York Red Bulls
Logo: a hose and some frayed, sparking wires
Mascot: a skinned, bleeding pit bull
Celebration: bending fans over a rape stand
Also, the sponsor to the Analrapists should be the iPhone.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Player: Terrel Owens
Team: The Suicidals
Mascot: Benny the Barbiturate
July 24th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
Player: He Hate Me
Team:The Saints
Mascot: Jesus
July 25th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I’ll see your Hot Carl Lee and raise you a Joey Brown-eye.