I don’t have much time to play videogames anymore, which pains me greatly. They’ve gotten cooler as my adult responsibilities have increased, and that’s not fair. But I’ll have the last laugh. One day, I’ll be retired, Mrs. Drew will have grown to ignore me completely, and then I can play all the WiiStation I want. Fuck yeah, retirement!

Anyway, allow me to outline a scenario for you. Kang and Kodos, shown above, have decided to colonize Earth. But first, they want to test the human species. You know, to make sure they aren’t intelligent enough to resist intergalactic slavery. So they pick you (yes, you!) out of a crowd and challenge you to the videogame of your choice. If you defeat Kang, you will have proved yourself worthy of alliance, and not slavery. If you lose, we then we’re all fucked, thank you very much.

So you better choose a game you excel at, motherfucker.

The rules. Pick one game, then wait until 10 other have selected to choose another. You can pick any game, console or arcade. Different years of Madden and what not are acceptable. No cheat codes. This is a one-on-one battle, so if you choose a game that doesn’t feature one-on-one play, we’ll go by high score or who can advance to the highest level. Let us also assume that Kang and/or Kodos are well-versed in video games and have watched them being played from afar. Even with tentacles, they are still quite dexterous with a control pad.

My pick is EA Bill Walsh College Football ’95.


I’ll skip the easy Tecmo Bowl pick and go for the one game that made it even easier to accumulate yards and points on 500 consecutive sweeps. I’ll be playing with Michigan and running triple option with Tyrone Wheatley. Sometimes I will go right. Sometimes I will go left. I tell you, Kodos won’t be able to keep up. One time, I scored 100 points in a half. And that makes me awesome!

Other KSK staff have jumped in and made their picks before you as well. Sorry, they got dibs.

Ape: Goldeneye

Maj: Virtua Tennis (Dreamcast or arcade). I could serve and volley that alien bastard to death with Philippoussis, outrun him with Johansson, or punish him with Yevgeny’s backhand.

Punter: I’m taking Contra for NES. Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Select Start.

Your turn. Remember: Our lives are in your hands, dude.