This Week’s KSK Commenter Draft: Methods By Which You Would Commit Career Suicide If You Were a Celebrity
At a glance, this week’s commenter draft looks remarkably, and deceptively, easy. I mean, you or I could fuck up our careers irreparably with little more than a stray “all staff” e-mail (that’s the last time you forward your coworker one of Punter’s posts) or even a good cupping of the secretary’s glorious tits.
Upon reaching a certain threshold of fame, however, and the normal rules cease to apply. As is increasingly the case, one must put together a menu of faux pax and fuck-uppery to jeopardize one’s career. Singular incidents often just won’t do.
Killed someone? Not even a fellow celebrity? That’s too fucking pedestrian. Ray Lewis kills at least three people before lunch EVERY DAY, including July 4th and Satan’s birthday. Fucked some kids? I’m pretty sure I saw Michael Jackson performing on some network special the other week. Hate the Jews? Well, yes, I thought Apocalypto was a decent flick.
Not so simple, huh?
Even more recent examples, such as Pacman Jones and Michael Vick - aka “Ron Mexico,” aka “Ookie,” aka “Lionel Hutz,” aka “Miguel Sanchez” - had to assemble a slate of improprieties. Vick prefaced the fallout of Bad Newz Kennels with an offseason of stoner high jinx. But where his true genius lie was messing with animals. People care about adorable little critters more than their fellow man. Know why we’re still in Iraq? Easy. No cute animals there - camels are fucking ugly. China poses an economic threat to us but, hey, they got pandas.
The rules. You’re an A-list celebrity at the peak of your career. Pick a deed or statement that could deep-six your fame quicksville. And by that, I don’t mean something that will bump you down a peg in stardom or dog you for a few years. I mean “you will never work in this or any town again” type of shit. You must wait 10 picks to make another pick. There is some room for overlap. If you take away all the major heinous crimes in the first five picks, there isn’t much left to work with. Serial jaywalking probably wouldn’t hurt your career too badly. Having said that, try to be creative about it.
My pick is shooting the President of the United States.
A quick disclaimer so I don’t get sent to Gitmo: I HAVE NO PLANS TO ACTUALLY DO THIS. Besides, I can’t shoot anyone due to the crippling arthritis in my index fingers from Space Invaders in 1977.
Neither should this be taken as a political statement on my part. I’d like to shot most politicians regardless of ideology. Rather, I figure it’s the surest, fastest way to ruin your public image. I don’t remember Charles Guiteau going platinum after he killed President Garfield.
Tags: ksk commenter drafts, see you in hell candy boys, xmas ape
July 20th, 2007 at 8:19 am
I’m gonna go for sex with a minor (hey, it worked for Mark Chumura, right?)….let’s say, with Urban Meyer’s daughter?
July 20th, 2007 at 8:21 am
I’ll take it literally, think of myself as anyone working in hollywood, and proceed to take a big shit on harvey weinstein’s desk, with harvey watching. I’d settle for shitting on michael bay, but weinstein’s more the ‘you’ll never work in this town again!’ figure.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:27 am
Doing a line of blow off Lindsay Lohan’s ass.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:29 am
I really don’t think that would deep-six my career, but damn, would that be fun.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:30 am
FYI, there are some really really cute puppies in Iraq, i dont know where they come from. but it really sucks when you have to see them put down behind the makeshift prison.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:32 am
I would bang high price hookers until people stop liking me. I get to bang hot girls for a fee, and I deep six….sweet.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:34 am
Two in the head and one in the chest - for Bear Grylls. I’d tpae and then fondle his dead corpse all the while singing the Muffin Man song. It would be a YouTube hit.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:35 am
Drew would murder greg schuler.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:37 am
Being caught in flagrente engaged in beastialty with Ookie’s recovering-but-still maimed dogs while simultaneously chatting with Osama bin Laden about his tastes in kiddie porn.
That should do it.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:38 am
Pulling a John Rocker does the rare double-shot of keeping your name in the papers, but keeping everyone from speaking to you with any sense of respect for the rest of your life.
Triple Word Score.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:38 am
I’d hang Mickey Mouse
July 20th, 2007 at 8:40 am
I’d impregnate Britney Spears.
Wait… that might help my career.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:43 am
Stampede Cattle….
Through the Vatican
July 20th, 2007 at 8:52 am
become grand wizard of KKK; write actual books employing all of the titles used by Clayton Bigsby.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:56 am
Nothing says “career death” like a necrophiliac-pedophiliac orgy with the clergy.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:56 am
My turn again: I’m gonna say joining the Church of Scientology, and then going on the Today Show and Oprah to discuss.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:59 am
DC Sniper style attacks on a random town
July 20th, 2007 at 9:02 am
I would champion a cause demanding greater influence for hollywood’s heterosexual arabs.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:03 am
doing work on myself using a picture of my boss’ underage daughter, or for that matter, just doing my boss’ underage daughter
July 20th, 2007 at 9:04 am
i would begin to publicly endorse crack, and i would buy a tv ad during the fucking half time show to do it.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:05 am
either that or heroin, and i would play nervana in the backround.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:07 am
Do a movie with Kevin Costner or J-Lo
July 20th, 2007 at 9:08 am
Rip up a picture of the Pope on SNL. Or, in the alternative, rip up a picture of the President on Bill O’Reilly.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:10 am
Rape the Queen Mother.
(sometimes simple is best people)
July 20th, 2007 at 9:14 am
killing an ex-wife or girlfriend should do the trick. just ask o.j., i mean if o.j. was guilty.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:16 am
sign on for a pilot on NBC. It’d be gone after three episodes and if not, no one would be watching anyway
July 20th, 2007 at 9:17 am
“Accidentally” shoot a friend in the face while on a “hunting” trip.
What, that doesn’t work? Hmm I’ll try again later..
July 20th, 2007 at 9:20 am
Land a starring role on According to Jim.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:22 am
I would light Brandon Flowers on fire on live Television, say SNL or you know a program people actually watch, and then laugh and say, “Hey everyone, look at this flaming mormon poseur. You thought growing a mustache and cranking the Springsteen up to medium would lead to instant credibility? Let’s see Xenu save you now.”
July 20th, 2007 at 9:26 am
Produce a film version of Ape’s plot, with Grossman in the leading role: “Sic Semper Tyrannis Motherfucker, now where’s Manny at?
July 20th, 2007 at 9:26 am
I would go an a USO tour and tell the troops that they’ve brought this all on themselves.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:27 am
I’d sign on to coach the Redskins.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:27 am
An easy way to end my career would be running the NFL right into the ground.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:33 am
Can’t I just start a blog?
July 20th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Express my undying love for Courtney Love and marry her.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:34 am
+1 a lot of people.
I’d go on a hobo-murdering spree. People wouldn’t mind at first, but I figure by the time I’d killed several dozen or maybe a hundred, the law would catch up with me. I’d be the Charles Manson of cool people.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:38 am
The Chief is running away with this.
I would urinate from an overpass onto traffic while screaming the N-word.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:38 am
I would publicly, loudly and at every opportunity proclaim 1) my deep love of buttsex with white women and 2) my deep hatred of the white man.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Say fuck you to Bob Barker and never spay or neuter my pets. And I’d let them roam free in the countryside to make a population of household puppies that cannot be controlled.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Take up a loud, high-profile media campaign urging Sotheby’s to auction off my collection of little shoes.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Find my way on “To Catch a Predator” - Then stab the host of the show.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:41 am
If I were a respected journalist, I would appear on ESPN’s Who’s Now segments.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:42 am
I would strap bombs to the 10 highest roller coasters in America and detonate them at their peak.
This is especially cool because many of the tallest coasters are in Sandusky, Ohio. Which means I am also cleaning up the gene pool.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:43 am
I would release a sex/rape tape with Rosie O’Donnell.
I feel dirty for typing that.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:43 am
GM of the Knicks.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:43 am
I would smuggle a pickaxe into Disney World, loudly mine deep within the Matterhorn until I found the frozen head of Walt Disney, then use it as a hand puppet to re-enact the Mel Gibson arrest.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:44 am
urinate on oprah
July 20th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Change my name to Bill Simmons
July 20th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Commissioner of the NHL.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:46 am
You know those “Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law” labels they put on mattresses?
Well I’d cut one of them off!
July 20th, 2007 at 9:47 am
win an oscar for writing a great movie with Robin Williams in it and then make Gigli.
/ben affleck
July 20th, 2007 at 9:47 am
caveman,
i don’t think murdering hobo’s is technically “career suicide”. much like midgets and asians, hobos are born without a soul so its not, technically, the same as killing a regular person. some might even applaud your effort.
as for me, i want to go out in style like my man kendall coffey.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:48 am
I would write a children’s book railing against the abolition of slavery, women’s suffrage, and the prosecution of NAMBLA members.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:49 am
I’d fire my agent, publicist, and everyone who has protected me from myself since I was a kid. Look how well it worked for Britney Spears, Kelly Clarkson, Mike Vick, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, etc.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:51 am
I’ll try to buy the Chicago Cubs.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:51 am
jerk off on the pope (this time not at his request)
July 20th, 2007 at 9:51 am
On a press junket for my latest movie/book/whatever, announce my endorsement of a new chain of Old World-style abortion clinics, and that I’ll be on-hand to administer the inaugural bleach and Lysol blasts.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:55 am
I would join the John McCain campaign.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:57 am
I wouldn’t stand for the star-spangled banner before a basketball game.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:03 am
Publicly endorse terrorism (in 2001-2002)
Publicly endorse fighting terrorism (today)
July 20th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Drummer for Spinal Tap
July 20th, 2007 at 10:04 am
i would live my life exactly like Tom Sizemore
July 20th, 2007 at 10:05 am
+1 jonah
July 20th, 2007 at 10:05 am
@Ghost of Carl Monday: Gigli was excellent as a drinking game. Here’s the rules: 1. Drink while it sucks. That’s it. Best night ever.
Next pick:
Go into hiding after my new video series, “Cat Juggling,” leaks onto YouTube
July 20th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Go fuck yourself, Planet Earth.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:06 am
I would give my children controversial names like, “Holocaust D. Nyer,” “Sweet Jen Ocyde,” and “Scott Baio II”
July 20th, 2007 at 10:06 am
Continually host partis with just boy scouts, alter boys, scout masters, priests and Michael Jackson. if that doesn’t work, videotape myself eating baby seal burgers in front of one-handed kids in a Chinese sweat shop.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Sex change operation. So simple, yet oh-so-taboo.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Force anorexics to fight eachother on video making the loser eat a box of raisins.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:12 am
I’m not sure of the details exactly but I see myself as being caught in acts where I am the gimp from pulp fiction, maybe I will be doing them to puppies, I don’t know, there is alot to work out when trying to destroy my career
July 20th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Start a foundation that raises money to thwart the fight against juvenile diabetes.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:14 am
take a train and eat it, piece by piece…. after I’ve derailed it with my penis
July 20th, 2007 at 10:16 am
@ pemulis: it was for charity!
July 20th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Move to Oakland.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Orchestrate a merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson
July 20th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Id steal one of Ahnold’s hummers and drive down the red carpet at the Oscars, plowing through everybody.
“Fuck you, Helen Mirren! Eat Shit, Sean Penn. You robbed Bill Murray of his only chance for an Oscar.”
July 20th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Hold a public reading of the last chapter of the last Harry Potter book at noon today.
I might get shot for that before finished, actually.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:21 am
I would adopt babies from far away lands, but insist they be shipped UPS Ground.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Watch John Kerry. Do that.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Exterminate the Aryan race.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:23 am
I’d try to sabotage The Big Lead by mentioning them on my crappy radio show.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:27 am
accept jesus christ as my personal savior
July 20th, 2007 at 10:27 am
claim that slaves were bred to produce bigger and stronger off-spring therefore explaining why african-americans are better athletes than white. what, wait? already done, nevermind.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:27 am
start my own new sports league, a la Mark Cuban. The USSCL: The United States Seal Clubbing League.
And then I’d blog about it non-stop.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:28 am
actually, in retrospect, that sounds like a pretty sweet gig
July 20th, 2007 at 10:28 am
release my jon benet ramsey post-mortem sex tape.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:28 am
marry tom cruise
July 20th, 2007 at 10:31 am
Take a break from show business to become a chair at Liberty University.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Start touting myself as the next Bono by proclaiming I am going to bring vaccinations to Africa. However, I would fill the neeedles with AIDS, syphilis and cyanogen chloride, you know… just to be sure.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Get caught selling uranium to North Koreas. And by “get caught”, I mean “open a bargain-basement chain store in which all the world’s violent extremists can stock up on their deadly devices. Want explosions? We’ve got depleted uranium in a child’s sippy cup! Fancy a more eco-friendly method of murder? We’ve just got some cases of super-virulent smallpox! It comes in Pepsi cans, so as a practical joke at work, shake it up and hand it to a thirsty coworker, then laugh as he and half of your city dies a horrible death!”
Actually, that last part sounds like a fucking awesome practical joke.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:35 am
@pemulis - Okay. Have you ever dressed up like a lady of affluence, gone to a fancy downtown eatery, picked up a rich guy, seduced him, and made him wanna *marry* you?
http://www.unoriginal.com/mrshow/3_4.html
July 20th, 2007 at 10:36 am
I’d date rape Katie Couric
July 20th, 2007 at 10:38 am
So, I’ve pissed off the Left with my John Rocker impression. I’ve pissed off the Right by ripping up a photo of the president on Fox News. I’ve pissed off the rich by starting a blog. I’ve pissed off the poor by firing my handlers and acting like a jerkoff. I’ve pissed off everyone else by getting a sex change.
Now I’ll just become an American Soccer Player and no one will ever hear from me again. Victory is mine.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Cross the border with a solid pound of blow and then impregnate a Mexican hooker.
If that didn’t work I would just get a role in Two and a Half Men.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I’d call Al Sharpton a nappy headed ho.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Let budding basketball star Shaquille O’Neal rap on “What’s up Doc? (Can we Rock)”
July 20th, 2007 at 10:43 am
i would join the Heaven’s Gate cult.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavens_Gate
July 20th, 2007 at 10:46 am
I’d either have my “romantic abnormality” exposed during one of my daily trips to the aquarium, or else I’d put all my energy into a own pet project: The Contrabulous
Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Raping tards. Done and done.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Leave my wife a voicemail that says “You dead dawg. I ain’t even bullshitting. Your kids too”
July 20th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Videotaped sex with an animal…prefereably an aquatic one Bestiality kills careers, right Troy McClure?
July 20th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Sex with Lady Bird Johnson.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Hating children, old people and especially dogs.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:54 am
I would use my fame to call attention to the plight of sweatshop owners across the globe.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:54 am
i hate you, otto man.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Make it rain at a middle school girls soccer game.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:55 am
I would be a producer of a movie starring, Shaq, J-Lo, Barbara Striesand, and It would be a sci-fi action hero romantic comedy.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Move to L.A. to become a writer for the Jimmy Kimmel show, but give it all up to spend more time with Sully, House, SportsGal and The Dooze.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:57 am
If I were an actor, I would come out and openly diss the jews and question if the holocaust really happened. And I wouldn’t do it the pussy Mel Gibson way..like where you don’t really come out and say it. I’d be on Oprah talking about how the jews are whiny pussies. And then I’d stab Oprah. That should do it.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:00 am
The Holiday Monkey wins again.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:03 am
I’d make a racial slur about people from Quebec…it was good enough to almost get Shane Doan kicked off the Candian National team…
July 20th, 2007 at 11:04 am
I’d make a shot-for-shot remake of Dolemite, starring me…in blackface.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:05 am
i would marry madonna.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Despite being white, I would refer to myself as a member of the Nation of Islam and constantly blame the white devils, pissing off white people AND black people.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Cock-fighting.
No animals involved, just my cock.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:10 am
When asked why I wear a red ribbon on my lapel, I will explain it’s to show support for ‘all the fruits getting Aids from their uncontrollable need for anonymous buttsex’
July 20th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Set up dogfights in my house. Well, not really my house, I mean, its in my name but my family is ussing it. I don’t even really visit it that much.
Oh and I never leave home without my weed-bottle, fuckers at the airport will never see that shit coming.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:11 am
I would live in the shadow of my more talented brother. Pull a gun on a couple of minors in a Mickey D’s parking lot. Fuck a 14 year old, seduce her with drugs, and try to get her to “fuck the crew”. Stomp on an opposing player’s knee during the Gator Bowl. Get kicked out of Virginia Tech for amassing a very healthy criminal record, whilst starting for a BCS college team. Go undrafted, sign with the Dolphins for the league minimum, play one quarter of the season, and get released just in time to watch my brother’s career flush down the shitter.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:12 am
@Ben…
good, but, would have been great if it was “Roots”
July 20th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Sorry, dick. The post’s author took his name from a Troy McClure flick, and it was only a matter of time before one of us connected the dots.
And Ape, Charlie Giteau may not have made a hit record about the Garfield assassination, but Johnny Cash did.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:16 am
john s. — agreed, Roots is better.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Bring back the minstrel show! Except instead of parading around in blackface, I’d wear an actual black man’s face. Hilarity ensues.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Nuke my lucrative film and media superstardom in the name of promoting my fascination with giantess porn. Liquidate assets in making extremely graphic Bollywood epics about fifty-foot women who let six-foot tall men make love to them.
Like Vincent Gallo, but only cleaner because Chloe “Madd Herpz” Sevigny is not involved.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Hiring Matt Millen to make all career decisions should work.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:21 am
Become a KSK commenter.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Skip Bayliss, right now, is wearing a jacket with a turquoise tee-shirt underneath.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Go apeshit at a McDonald’s and punch a small child in the face.
The Rosie O’Donnell sex tape one made me quake with fear. What if there really is one of those? If that ever comes out, I think the living will envy the dead.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Have some hot steamy gay sex with charlie weis…and put the video on youtube.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:25 am
sponsor the world’s largest furry convention and become their spokesman.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:26 am
Appear in Osama Bin Laden’s next home movie.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:29 am
pay for a marketing campaign to bring the word “niggardly” back into the national lexicon
July 20th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Change my name to Yusaf Islam and then announce I’d personally carry out the fatwah on Salman Rushdie.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Cockfight-Mania I Main Event
Otto Man vs. Brady Quinn
Undercard: Tom Brady vs. Jeff Garcia and Peyton Manning vs. Peter King
July 20th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Buy a Superbowl add with me describing my bowel movements for 60 seconds, alternately reading Drew’s towel story and taking it as my own.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:34 am
@otto man, will there be a tag team match of peyton manning-kenny chesney vs. jeff garcia-chris simms ?
July 20th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Claim the ending for the final episode of the Sopranos as my idea.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Since we are allowed some overlap and someone already mentioned this, allow me to expand on the idea:
Show up on To Catch a Predator with a 12 inch double-sided dildo (black), box of chardonay, and pocket full of slim-fits and extacy with a unicorn stamp.
I’d try to explain myself like the rest of the douche bags by saying I thought the wine was just a big juice box, the condoms were balloons to make balloon animals and the extacy were Smarties. Then we’d both awkwardly look at the dildo, I’d realize their was no way out, pop the extasy and enjoy the brutal take down and interrogation process that was to follow.
But that’s just what I’d do.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:41 am
@otto man, will there be a tag team match of peyton manning-kenny chesney vs. jeff garcia-chris simms ?
Sure, I’m taking on all comers.
Zing!
July 20th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Apropos of absolutely nothing, but I figure it’d be appreciated somewhat here:
So, I was on the Greyhound last night from Toronto to New York, and in Buffalo, this full-out thug gets on and sits next to me. But he’s humming to himself and occasionally squawking and whatnot, and, after some careful observation, I realize that he’s autistic. This is a strange enough combination to begin with.
But then he kicks things up a notch: he takes off the jersey he’s wearing, and I see that it’s a plain white Mike Vick Virginia Tech jersey … which he then proceeds to colour in *entirely* with bright yellow highlighters.
I … really have no explanation for this.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:50 am
@jordan ginsberg, you might want to rent a car next time and i’m not surprised the guy got on the bus in buffalo.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:51 am
The Maurice Jones-Drew of this draft…Six simple words, “I’m not gay, but i’ll learn”.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:53 am
i would carry around my “lucky pillowcase full of decomposing kittens” everywhere i go.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Get caught sitting in a tree at a high school girl’s track meet wearing only a trench coat and a pair of binoculars.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Reenact the Trail of Tears with hookers. 4000 decomposing bodies? Why yes, I’d like free sex.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
I’d lure the paparazzi to Mother Theresa’s grave, dig her up, then fuck her.
I wouldn’t even talk to me after that.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Maybe not career suicide but a dumb fucking idea: make a video game like Def Jam but instead of rappers fighting each other have 90 lbs. indie rockers brawling.
Sufjan Stevens vs. Thom Yorke
Jeff Mangum vs. Jeff Tweedy
The Decemberists vs. Belle and Sebastian
Sara vs. Tegan.
Lamest idea ever? Hopefully.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
smoothvanillapocketrocket,
Make it Gandhi.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Utter the phrase “You know I think that Chris Benoit was a great man, and I see what he was trying to do.”
July 20th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
I would host a pay-per-view special starring myself and Kimbo Slice. In the special, I would pay Kimbo escalating sums of money to ambush likeable celebrities and royally fuck them up. John Stewart, Conan O’Brien, Mandy Moore, George Clooney, and Dakota Fanning all make the list. After Kimbo does his thang, I shit in their mouths. For our encore….The Pope.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Get my ass kicked by Jon Lovitz.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Get my ass kicked by Tommy Hilfiger.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Start a sports blog and talk about how much I enjoy ‘Who’s Now’.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
awful chief for the win with Matt Millen.
In that vein, I hire Marty Mornhinweg as my coach.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
I’d dress up as Marilyn Monroe and sing Happy Birthday Mr. President on JFK’s grave while chugging a bottle of Chivas. When I’m done drinking, I’d smash the bottle on the headstone and walk away muttering something about Ted Kennedy being a bloated whale.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
for my last act, i would kill off a few endangered species. that would get a few hollywood types all pissed off.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Piss Eminem and 50 Cent off…. watch in horror as their next albums get devoted to destroying my entire soul and being.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Start up the National Seal Clubbing league to rival Ghost of Carl’s USSCL.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
I’d trust Clay Davis to approve my condominium project.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Produce and direct a movie starring Robin Williams as the priest who died at the WTC, only it’s a comedy and Robin plays the priest wacky-style. Until he dies. But then he haunts all the firefighters and cops and whatnot in the years following 9/11, with wacky ghost priest hijinks. I might throw Dakota Fanning in there as the only living person who can see him and Rosie O’Donnell is the plain-talking nun the child confides in.
Haven’t got a title yet. Suggestions are welcome, if anybody has nothing better to do.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
@Jason:
Thanks. I’m sure Marty will work out well for you, taking the wind in whatever the equivalent of a coin toss is in your celebrity career.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
I’d print anti-Muslim and Mohammed bashing stories and drawings, making it abundantly clear that all Americans think their god and religion are gay retards.
Putting all U.S. citizens in constant peril should get me blacklisted, right?
July 20th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Go on a drunken spree with a backhoe on a levee in New Orleans. My pick would be the 17th Street Canal…
July 20th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
@ slash
9/11 Heaven?
July 20th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
2nd pick: obtain United States constitution, burn it, and go pee on the ashes. while wearing a french flag as a cape.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Produce and distribute the sequel to BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Somehow incorporate Challenger footage w/o permission. Not as flamboyant as going after politicos but it keeps my dick intact while fully accomplishing the mission.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Stab two guys to death after a Super Bowl party. Hmmm…no, didn’t work for Ray Lewis. How about star in an Eastern Motors commercial?
July 20th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
sex tape with osama.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
“9/11 Heaven” is pretty good. I was trying to think of something to go with “Ground Zero,” but couldn’t think of anything offensive enough.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
I’d convince Chloë Sevigny to blow me on camera while I auctioned off my sperm on my personal website with the disclaimer of “no black chicks,” and when Roger Ebert doesn’t like my film I’d wish cancer upon which he would actually get in an odd turn of events.
/Vincent Gallo
I really do like the guy though. Not his movies or acting but Gallo’s dickishness is inspiring.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Do a Disney Movie with Vin Diesel and the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond…
July 20th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
@ slash
Ground Zero: A Robin Williams Joint.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I’d trust Clay Davis to approve my condominium project.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
I would call a press conference, announce that I’ve become a born-again Christian, and read my favorite Bible verse. In the middle I would whip it out and wack it all over the Bible. Did I mention the children that I would’ve brought on stage with me? How else could I get it up?
That would probably screw you with just about everyone ever. I’ll be staggering down the streets of San Diego chugging hot milk in no time.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Or did I just commit commenter suicide?
July 20th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
You can survive anything on Washington short of being caught with a dead girl, or a live boy.
July 20th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
I would get really, really into human traffic. I’d buy as many slaves as I could afford, and make no attempt to hide it. In fact, I’d discuss my slaves every chance I got. Then, at trial, I’d plead not guilty because “I didn’t know it was illegal.”
July 20th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Whatever I did, I wouldn’t apologize for, go to rehab or seek counseling. I’d admit I did it and have no regrets.
I called that person a a fag.
Those baby seals deserved to be clubbed.
I won’t get in the elevator with a black person if I am by myself.
It’s not necessarily what you, because there is someone out there that agrees with what you did (openly or not). It’s how you handle what you did.
Sure, I shot Bear Grylls and fondled his dead body and sent pictures to certain people. And I’m not one bit sorry.
July 20th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
And for all those people planning murderous sprees - Henry Mudgett says you better do it right.
One sick fucker
July 20th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
I’d go Fatty Arbuckle on everyone’s mom with a special focus on the old and infirm.
My motto will be:
“Mo’ helpless, mo’ better!”
July 20th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
RE “Ground Zero: A Robin Williams Joint”
Swing and a miss. I would like to find some way to combine “Ground Zero” and a religious reference (but still on topic) so as to offend as many as possible. Something stupidly offensive like “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” or “License to Wed.” Does it help to know that the priest who died at Ground Zero was also gay? There’s gotta be a way to offend everyone with all that - gayness, Ground Zero, Robin Williams, religon. I’m just not smart enough to figure it out….
July 20th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
make it a musical and call it “ground scherzo”
July 20th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
@ slash
One more try:
Ground Zero: The Backdoor Shenanigans of a Power-Crazed God.
July 20th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
@Slash: Ground Rear-oh: Starring Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as the wacky crossdressing Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
July 20th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
I didn’t even think about making it a musical, but that might work even better. Rosie could sing a song about being a bride of Christ, Robin could sing about being a gay priest (the possibilities there are almost endless), we could have firefighters and other rescue workers singing about lung diseases at Ground Zero. Giuliani could have a cameo and just sing “9/11″ over and over again… Maybe it could be as simple as “Ground Zero: The Musical.”
I kinda hate myself right now for typing that….
July 20th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Ok, I changed my mind, “Ground Rear-Oh” is better…
July 20th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
I clearly don’t watch enough porn, or some variation of “Rear” would have occurred to me right away…
July 20th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Good Morning, Bin Laden?
July 20th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
Dead Poets Society?
July 20th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Not to get back ON topic, but here’s my career ender: After winning an Oscar for my brilliant portrayal as a retarded magical negro (better luck next year, Cuba Gooding Jr. you punk), I mention in my acceptance speech my “pet cause”: the re-enslavement of blacks in America, peppering in a number of misinterpreted Biblical references as my rational for my position. Then I piss on Morgan Freeman’s head as the music swells.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Not entirely original, but I’d kidnap daughters of famous/rich people, keep them in my basement dungeon until I kill them, then peel off their skin and wear it over my own. Then I’ll videotape my fat male body covered in the skin of a dead naked chick, and post it on YouTube.
If only Buffalo Bill thought of that…..
July 20th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
I’d bring sexy back to Darfur.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
K, back to Celebrity Career Suicide: again as a producer/director, I’d locate a shoot in some shithole third-world country and hire only locals and pay them $5 a day (none of this union wage shit) to work. One of the stunts would be super-dangerous, so a couple of them would get killed, but it’s alright because over there, you can easily buy off a poor family with a couple of goats.
Again, this movie would star Robin Williams and Rosie O’Donnell (they get in front of a blue screen for all their shots, so they don’t know about the third-world crap until the movie comes out) as a married couple on vacation in, say, Afghanistan. Hilarious hijinks ensue. And yes, there’s an explicit sex scene.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Get caught in bed with Salmon Rushdie. I hear he’s a giver.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
I’d pull an early-90s Red Hot Chili Peppers, and go onstage wearing only socks.
Socks, my cat.
July 20th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
admit that i listen to the drop kick murphys. that is a secret for me and my car.
July 20th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
I would penetrate every female in Norby’s family…I bet he would hate that shit (wouldn’t you)?
July 21st, 2007 at 2:31 am
Confess to overdosing Terrell Owens. Use ‘gay panic defense’ to avoid jail time.
July 21st, 2007 at 5:08 am
@rick muscles
listening to dropkick is not something to hide, bright eyes on the other hand…
p.s. i get to see dropkick murphys for free because big drunk concerts is the only thing Buffalo does right (aside from having The U alum knock up teachers).
July 21st, 2007 at 10:12 pm
@casserole mistake:
the only bright eyes song i like is road to joy. me and my cd player keep that a secret, also.
July 21st, 2007 at 11:26 pm
Speak only using memes from 4chan.
“Well, Oprah, I’d just really like to say- tits or get the fuck out.”
“This Breast Cancer Awareness march needs moar pooper.”
The public would hate me for becoming a depraved asshole and the /b/tards would hate me for drawing in unwanted attention.