At a glance, this week’s commenter draft looks remarkably, and deceptively, easy. I mean, you or I could fuck up our careers irreparably with little more than a stray “all staff” e-mail (that’s the last time you forward your coworker one of Punter’s posts) or even a good cupping of the secretary’s glorious tits.
Upon reaching a certain threshold of fame, however, and the normal rules cease to apply. As is increasingly the case, one must put together a menu of faux pax and fuck-uppery to jeopardize one’s career. Singular incidents often just won’t do.
Killed someone? Not even a fellow celebrity? That’s too fucking pedestrian. Ray Lewis kills at least three people before lunch EVERY DAY, including July 4th and Satan’s birthday. Fucked some kids? I’m pretty sure I saw Michael Jackson performing on some network special the other week. Hate the Jews? Well, yes, I thought Apocalypto was a decent flick.
Not so simple, huh?
Even more recent examples, such as Pacman Jones and Michael Vick – aka “Ron Mexico,” aka “Ookie,” aka “Lionel Hutz,” aka “Miguel Sanchez” – had to assemble a slate of improprieties. Vick prefaced the fallout of Bad Newz Kennels with an offseason of stoner high jinx. But where his true genius lie was messing with animals. People care about adorable little critters more than their fellow man. Know why we’re still in Iraq? Easy. No cute animals there – camels are fucking ugly. China poses an economic threat to us but, hey, they got pandas.
The rules. You’re an A-list celebrity at the peak of your career. Pick a deed or statement that could deep-six your fame quicksville. And by that, I don’t mean something that will bump you down a peg in stardom or dog you for a few years. I mean “you will never work in this or any town again” type of shit. You must wait 10 picks to make another pick. There is some room for overlap. If you take away all the major heinous crimes in the first five picks, there isn’t much left to work with. Serial jaywalking probably wouldn’t hurt your career too badly. Having said that, try to be creative about it.
My pick is shooting the President of the United States.
A quick disclaimer so I don’t get sent to Gitmo: I HAVE NO PLANS TO ACTUALLY DO THIS. Besides, I can’t shoot anyone due to the crippling arthritis in my index fingers from Space Invaders in 1977.
Neither should this be taken as a political statement on my part. I’d like to shot most politicians regardless of ideology. Rather, I figure it’s the surest, fastest way to ruin your public image. I don’t remember Charles Guiteau going platinum after he killed President Garfield.
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I feel that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows. I think for anyone who goes astray an individual will arrive to display the way.”
Speak only using memes from 4chan.
“Well, Oprah, I’d just really like to say- tits or get the fuck out.”
“This Breast Cancer Awareness march needs moar pooper.”
The public would hate me for becoming a depraved asshole and the /b/tards would hate me for drawing in unwanted attention.
@casserole mistake:
the only bright eyes song i like is road to joy. me and my cd player keep that a secret, also.
@rick muscles
listening to dropkick is not something to hide, bright eyes on the other hand…
p.s. i get to see dropkick murphys for free because big drunk concerts is the only thing Buffalo does right (aside from having The U alum knock up teachers).
Confess to overdosing Terrell Owens. Use ‘gay panic defense’ to avoid jail time.
I would penetrate every female in Norby’s family…I bet he would hate that shit (wouldn’t you)?
admit that i listen to the drop kick murphys. that is a secret for me and my car.
I’d pull an early-90s Red Hot Chili Peppers, and go onstage wearing only socks.
Socks, my cat.
Get caught in bed with Salmon Rushdie. I hear he’s a giver.
K, back to Celebrity Career Suicide: again as a producer/director, I’d locate a shoot in some shithole third-world country and hire only locals and pay them $5 a day (none of this union wage shit) to work. One of the stunts would be super-dangerous, so a couple of them would get killed, but it’s alright because over there, you can easily buy off a poor family with a couple of goats.
Again, this movie would star Robin Williams and Rosie O’Donnell (they get in front of a blue screen for all their shots, so they don’t know about the third-world crap until the movie comes out) as a married couple on vacation in, say, Afghanistan. Hilarious hijinks ensue. And yes, there’s an explicit sex scene.
I’d bring sexy back to Darfur.
Not entirely original, but I’d kidnap daughters of famous/rich people, keep them in my basement dungeon until I kill them, then peel off their skin and wear it over my own. Then I’ll videotape my fat male body covered in the skin of a dead naked chick, and post it on YouTube.
If only Buffalo Bill thought of that…..
Not to get back ON topic, but here’s my career ender: After winning an Oscar for my brilliant portrayal as a retarded magical negro (better luck next year, Cuba Gooding Jr. you punk), I mention in my acceptance speech my “pet cause”: the re-enslavement of blacks in America, peppering in a number of misinterpreted Biblical references as my rational for my position. Then I piss on Morgan Freeman’s head as the music swells.
Dead Poets Society?
Good Morning, Bin Laden?
I clearly don’t watch enough porn, or some variation of “Rear” would have occurred to me right away…
Ok, I changed my mind, “Ground Rear-Oh” is better…
I didn’t even think about making it a musical, but that might work even better. Rosie could sing a song about being a bride of Christ, Robin could sing about being a gay priest (the possibilities there are almost endless), we could have firefighters and other rescue workers singing about lung diseases at Ground Zero. Giuliani could have a cameo and just sing “9/11″ over and over again… Maybe it could be as simple as “Ground Zero: The Musical.”
I kinda hate myself right now for typing that….
@Slash: Ground Rear-oh: Starring Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as the wacky crossdressing Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
@ slash
One more try:
Ground Zero: The Backdoor Shenanigans of a Power-Crazed God.
make it a musical and call it “ground scherzo”
RE “Ground Zero: A Robin Williams Joint”
Swing and a miss. I would like to find some way to combine “Ground Zero” and a religious reference (but still on topic) so as to offend as many as possible. Something stupidly offensive like “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” or “License to Wed.” Does it help to know that the priest who died at Ground Zero was also gay? There’s gotta be a way to offend everyone with all that – gayness, Ground Zero, Robin Williams, religon. I’m just not smart enough to figure it out….
I’d go Fatty Arbuckle on everyone’s mom with a special focus on the old and infirm.
My motto will be:
“Mo’ helpless, mo’ better!”
And for all those people planning murderous sprees – Henry Mudgett says you better do it right.
One sick fucker
Whatever I did, I wouldn’t apologize for, go to rehab or seek counseling. I’d admit I did it and have no regrets.
I called that person a a fag.
Those baby seals deserved to be clubbed.
I won’t get in the elevator with a black person if I am by myself.
It’s not necessarily what you, because there is someone out there that agrees with what you did (openly or not). It’s how you handle what you did.
Sure, I shot Bear Grylls and fondled his dead body and sent pictures to certain people. And I’m not one bit sorry.
I would get really, really into human traffic. I’d buy as many slaves as I could afford, and make no attempt to hide it. In fact, I’d discuss my slaves every chance I got. Then, at trial, I’d plead not guilty because “I didn’t know it was illegal.”
You can survive anything on Washington short of being caught with a dead girl, or a live boy.
Or did I just commit commenter suicide?
I would call a press conference, announce that I’ve become a born-again Christian, and read my favorite Bible verse. In the middle I would whip it out and wack it all over the Bible. Did I mention the children that I would’ve brought on stage with me? How else could I get it up?
That would probably screw you with just about everyone ever. I’ll be staggering down the streets of San Diego chugging hot milk in no time.
I’d trust Clay Davis to approve my condominium project.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
@ slash
Ground Zero: A Robin Williams Joint.
Do a Disney Movie with Vin Diesel and the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond…
I’d convince Chloë Sevigny to blow me on camera while I auctioned off my sperm on my personal website with the disclaimer of “no black chicks,” and when Roger Ebert doesn’t like my film I’d wish cancer upon which he would actually get in an odd turn of events.
/Vincent Gallo
I really do like the guy though. Not his movies or acting but Gallo’s dickishness is inspiring.
“9/11 Heaven” is pretty good. I was trying to think of something to go with “Ground Zero,” but couldn’t think of anything offensive enough.
sex tape with osama.
Stab two guys to death after a Super Bowl party. Hmmm…no, didn’t work for Ray Lewis. How about star in an Eastern Motors commercial?
Produce and distribute the sequel to BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Somehow incorporate Challenger footage w/o permission. Not as flamboyant as going after politicos but it keeps my dick intact while fully accomplishing the mission.
2nd pick: obtain United States constitution, burn it, and go pee on the ashes. while wearing a french flag as a cape.
@ slash
9/11 Heaven?
Go on a drunken spree with a backhoe on a levee in New Orleans. My pick would be the 17th Street Canal…
I’d print anti-Muslim and Mohammed bashing stories and drawings, making it abundantly clear that all Americans think their god and religion are gay retards.
Putting all U.S. citizens in constant peril should get me blacklisted, right?
@Jason:
Thanks. I’m sure Marty will work out well for you, taking the wind in whatever the equivalent of a coin toss is in your celebrity career.
Produce and direct a movie starring Robin Williams as the priest who died at the WTC, only it’s a comedy and Robin plays the priest wacky-style. Until he dies. But then he haunts all the firefighters and cops and whatnot in the years following 9/11, with wacky ghost priest hijinks. I might throw Dakota Fanning in there as the only living person who can see him and Rosie O’Donnell is the plain-talking nun the child confides in.
Haven’t got a title yet. Suggestions are welcome, if anybody has nothing better to do.
I’d trust Clay Davis to approve my condominium project.
Start up the National Seal Clubbing league to rival Ghost of Carl’s USSCL.
Piss Eminem and 50 Cent off…. watch in horror as their next albums get devoted to destroying my entire soul and being.
for my last act, i would kill off a few endangered species. that would get a few hollywood types all pissed off.
I’d dress up as Marilyn Monroe and sing Happy Birthday Mr. President on JFK’s grave while chugging a bottle of Chivas. When I’m done drinking, I’d smash the bottle on the headstone and walk away muttering something about Ted Kennedy being a bloated whale.
awful chief for the win with Matt Millen.
In that vein, I hire Marty Mornhinweg as my coach.
Start a sports blog and talk about how much I enjoy ‘Who’s Now’.
Get my ass kicked by Tommy Hilfiger.
Get my ass kicked by Jon Lovitz.
I would host a pay-per-view special starring myself and Kimbo Slice. In the special, I would pay Kimbo escalating sums of money to ambush likeable celebrities and royally fuck them up. John Stewart, Conan O’Brien, Mandy Moore, George Clooney, and Dakota Fanning all make the list. After Kimbo does his thang, I shit in their mouths. For our encore….The Pope.
Utter the phrase “You know I think that Chris Benoit was a great man, and I see what he was trying to do.”
smoothvanillapocketrocket,
Make it Gandhi.
Maybe not career suicide but a dumb fucking idea: make a video game like Def Jam but instead of rappers fighting each other have 90 lbs. indie rockers brawling.
Sufjan Stevens vs. Thom Yorke
Jeff Mangum vs. Jeff Tweedy
The Decemberists vs. Belle and Sebastian
Sara vs. Tegan.
Lamest idea ever? Hopefully.
I’d lure the paparazzi to Mother Theresa’s grave, dig her up, then fuck her.
I wouldn’t even talk to me after that.
Reenact the Trail of Tears with hookers. 4000 decomposing bodies? Why yes, I’d like free sex.
Get caught sitting in a tree at a high school girl’s track meet wearing only a trench coat and a pair of binoculars.
i would carry around my “lucky pillowcase full of decomposing kittens” everywhere i go.
The Maurice Jones-Drew of this draft…Six simple words, “I’m not gay, but i’ll learn”.
@jordan ginsberg, you might want to rent a car next time and i’m not surprised the guy got on the bus in buffalo.
Apropos of absolutely nothing, but I figure it’d be appreciated somewhat here:
So, I was on the Greyhound last night from Toronto to New York, and in Buffalo, this full-out thug gets on and sits next to me. But he’s humming to himself and occasionally squawking and whatnot, and, after some careful observation, I realize that he’s autistic. This is a strange enough combination to begin with.
But then he kicks things up a notch: he takes off the jersey he’s wearing, and I see that it’s a plain white Mike Vick Virginia Tech jersey … which he then proceeds to colour in *entirely* with bright yellow highlighters.
I … really have no explanation for this.
@otto man, will there be a tag team match of peyton manning-kenny chesney vs. jeff garcia-chris simms ?
Sure, I’m taking on all comers.
Zing!
Since we are allowed some overlap and someone already mentioned this, allow me to expand on the idea:
Show up on To Catch a Predator with a 12 inch double-sided dildo (black), box of chardonay, and pocket full of slim-fits and extacy with a unicorn stamp.
I’d try to explain myself like the rest of the douche bags by saying I thought the wine was just a big juice box, the condoms were balloons to make balloon animals and the extacy were Smarties. Then we’d both awkwardly look at the dildo, I’d realize their was no way out, pop the extasy and enjoy the brutal take down and interrogation process that was to follow.
But that’s just what I’d do.
Claim the ending for the final episode of the Sopranos as my idea.
@otto man, will there be a tag team match of peyton manning-kenny chesney vs. jeff garcia-chris simms ?
Buy a Superbowl add with me describing my bowel movements for 60 seconds, alternately reading Drew’s towel story and taking it as my own.
Cockfight-Mania I Main Event
Otto Man vs. Brady Quinn
Undercard: Tom Brady vs. Jeff Garcia and Peyton Manning vs. Peter King
Change my name to Yusaf Islam and then announce I’d personally carry out the fatwah on Salman Rushdie.
pay for a marketing campaign to bring the word “niggardly” back into the national lexicon
Appear in Osama Bin Laden’s next home movie.
sponsor the world’s largest furry convention and become their spokesman.
Have some hot steamy gay sex with charlie weis…and put the video on youtube.
Go apeshit at a McDonald’s and punch a small child in the face.
The Rosie O’Donnell sex tape one made me quake with fear. What if there really is one of those? If that ever comes out, I think the living will envy the dead.