A lot has been made of Brian Urlacher’s ongoing custody battle with former stripper/gold digger Tyna Robertson (I’m not trying to cast aspersions, I just don’t trust people named Tyna). Most recently he’s been slammed in the press for a series of unfortunate text messages allegedly sent by the linebacker to the whore mother of his third child. Of course none of this is actually Urlacher’s fault. We all know that athletes are beyond reproach (especially the whities!).

In this case, the only thing Urlacher is guilty of is technological ignorance. How can we expect our pro athletes to master this newfangled text messaging when one hand is holding their playbook and the other is wrist deep inside a socialite?

We mustn’t.

Sure, Urlacher sent the texts in question, only he didn’t mean to send them to his baby’s mama. That’s right, all of those seemingly inflammatory texts were intended for one of Urlacher’s other contacts. Join us as we reveal the intended recipients of the text messages in question. Then stay tuned for some of the bonus text messages we’ve managed to uncover.

“Go to hell you f—— —-.”

Everybody knows it’s not appropriate to call the mother of your child a fucking cunt (allegedly), it’s just bad business. The only person Urlacher would speak to in such a manor is that old fag Jay Mariotti.

“Make one of your pimps drive you around”

Come on–why would somebody earning child support need a pimp? This text was directed at another Urlacher ex, Tara Reid. You just knew things were getting bad for Tara when she couldn’t get some NFL dick up in her, now she can’t even find a steady pimp. It’s been about nine years since she was getting paid a grand to suck a cock; you hate to see that kind of fall from grace.

“Grow the f— up and quit praying and get a job.”

Tyna’s probably spent some time on her knees but I think we all know she’s far from devout. This one was meant for that preaching sack of backup crap, Mark Brunell. I think Urlacher speaks for everybody in the NFL when he tells this guy to fuck off. If we want to hear about the time Jesus felled a bear with his bear hands we’ll call you.

“You’re a f—— fruit cake.”

In this instance you might think Urlacher is insinuating that Tyna is bereft of her mental faculties when in reality he’s calling Brady Quinn a colon cowboy.

“Your raising a little p—y.”

You can’t even tell if a two year-old is a pussy, they’re all a bit pansified. It should go without saying that this constructive criticism was meant for Archie Manning.

To: Rextacy
“I dreamt of you again last night”

To: Paris
“You belong in jail for what you gave me, you fucking whore”

To: Lance
“Sign the fucking papers you jealous bitch”

To: Dan P
“Good luck with the new Just For Men gig you f—— quitter”

To: Lou Dobbs
“Going to New Mexico doesn’t make me a new Mexican”

To: Bill Maas
“Bring back the 28 hits or I’ll fuck your collateral.

To: Janet J-G
“Give me a nickel on the Cubs. I’ll balance the account next week.”

To: Elijah
“Your my hero, dawg.”

There you have it, the secrets of Brian Urlacher’s communique revealed. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

And here’s something just for fun.