Reggie seemingly has a charmed life, so he probably
takes this minor embarrassment in stride.

The Iggles’ Sheldon Brown is on the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated abso-fucking-lutely blowing up Reggie Bush in the playoffs last season. Brown said of laying out Bush:

Yikes. We say take heart Reggie, he couldn’t have been talking about one of those flimsy little shoe boxes, Brown must was obviously referring to a tough corrugated cardboard box used for shipping major household appliances.

All of this is a mere pretext to post two brief, but glorious, moments of YouTube splendor:

[Big ups to: FO, EaglesChick.com and Bleeding Green Nation.]

Ah, 1987. We were all so much more careful, more prepared for the worst twenty years ago. No one was on Prozac. The Unabomber bombed freely. The Japanese stood poised to destroy every American business. Consecutive summer Olympics had been marred by Cold War boycotts. And presidential scandals were all about taking the money from illegal arms sales to sworn enemies and using it to illegally fund rebels opposing a sworn enemy on a different continent (Take that, blowjobs and far-ranging organizational incompetence). It was an era where we handled impending doom with abject fear, instead of today’s more popular ironic detachment and willful ignorance.

And though few remember it, pit bulls — not the well-intended gambling addicts training them to kill — were the next Great Menace. Hey, something had to replace Soviet Russia.

Yes, it was 20 years ago this week that SI featured the dangerous “pit bull terrier” with an ominous “Beware of Dog” sign posted on the fence around its magazine. And I think we need to reflect on this. It’s time to give Michael Vick a break and look at the real enemy: pit bulls. Because has Vick ever actually killed a pit bull? Well, yes. Probably. But he was mostly putting the animals that he cared for out of their misery. Animals that were MAULED BY PIT BULLS. Not humans. Not Michael Vick. Pit bulls. And they need to take some of the blame.

Alas, young Ookie was only seven at the time of the SI cover story, and SI KIDS didn’t make its debut until 1989 (And even then it was all puff pieces: Look at this popular athlete! We photographed him smiling AND jumping!). It’s safe to say he missed the lessons of this SI feature that targeted young athletes with pro aspirations. Among the warnings about pit bulls:

- Minimal shedding negated by propensity for bleeding on carpet.
- Tendency to hump other dogs against their will, eat babies.
- Product of communism (probably).
- Did not participate in Hands Across America.
- Are easily bred to believe Holocaust did not occur.
- Likely to kill adorable cobras.
- Menacing nature confirmed when pit bull puppet attacked Ronald Reagan puppet in “Land of Confusion.”
- Probable source of AIDS.
- Fur not very soft.
- Will totally fuck up your NFL career.

Unfortunately, the warning went unheeded on the gritty streets of Bad Newz, and now it’s NFL fans who suffer at the loss of the most electrocuting player in the league.

Thanks a lot, pit bulls.

(Image found by Football Huddle 3.0)

I’ll be one of the first to admit that one of the problems with Chancellor Goodell’s wave of personal conduct righteousness is the near-total disregard for due process. Michael Vick, among other players whose names and situations have been well-documented, face harsh suspensions (or even expulsions from their respective teams) with little more than a wave of The Rogg’s hand. Vick’s situation, obviously more emotionally charged than those before it, appears even more perilous. Casual observers, even Vick supporters, risk being labeled as “haters,” which, I guess, is bad.

So how would one be able to publicly show support for Mr. Vick? Especially when the media, PETA, and the Salvation Army are all out to get him? Fortunately, KSK has obtained such a manifesto, in 3 parts, geared toward providing Ookie with the fan base he currently so desperately needs.

This guide was intended to be posted AS A COMMENT on Deadspin earlier today (I’m not making that up), but was intercepted by noted Combudsman Rob Iracane. KSK then brokered a deal with Mr. Iracane to acquire the manuscript, along with the rights to reproduce it in this space, as a way of telling the “other side” of this fascinating tale.

I present the Ookie Manifesto:

Article I.

FUCK ALL OF YOU VICK HATERS YOU CAN SUCK THOSE DOGS DICKS.
HOW COULD YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS CARE SO MUCH ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE ASS PIT BULLS, THESE FUCKING DOGS HAVE BEEN RECORDED KILLING FUCKING HUMANS. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KISS HIS ASS!!!!

Article II.

YOU FUCKING CRACKERS TRIED TO GET HIM OUT OF THE LEAGUE A LONG TIME AGO DEAL WITH IT HE IS A GREAT ATHLETE . ONE OF YOUR FELLOW FEMALE CRACKERS WENT BEHIND THIS AFRO AMERICAN AND PICKED UP HIS FUCKING WATER BOTTLE AND SAID IT SMELT OF WEED. ONLY IF THIS BITCH IS ALSO A FUCKING DOG AND A REGULAR CHRONIC SMOKER WOULD SHE BE ABLE TO SNIFF THE SCENT OF WEED ON THE TOP OF A WATER BOTTLE.

VICK IS RIGHT!!!! ALL THE TIME YOU GO VICK!!!!!

Article III.

RAY BU(FUCKIN)CHANNON IS A BITCH

–END–

To recap:

1. Perform canine fellatio immediately. Kiss ass.
2. Even the g0ddamn dogs are out to frame Vick.
3. Ray Buchanan is a bitch.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

I have officially received over 5,000 links from people about the fact that “Man Vs. Wild” is rigged. I know. I read too, people. I can find this shit on my own. You can stop with the schaudenfraude now.

These Bear haters out there make me sick. Why don’t you just tell me Santa Claus doesn’t exist?! It’s not important that Bear’s show is real, okay? It’s only important that I believe it’s real. And these “investigative reporters” and “government officials” are making that a real bitch. Can’t they just leave me and my man-crush alone? They’re ruining the latent homosexual fantasy for everyone, especially me. The man ate a live fish and drank elephant shitjuice. Okay? He’s a badass. Does no one appreciate a little showmanship anymore?!

Besides, how do you know the Pine Resort Hotel At Bass Lake wasn’t haunted?! Maybe he needed to go kick some ghost ass or something! Or maybe the internet access at the resort was dial-up! Tell me you could survive that! Or maybe he needed to save other guests from a man-eating rhino that had been helicoptered in! Okay? It’s conceivable. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

/breaks down crying

OH, BEAR! Why did you do it, Bear? I thought I knew you! I thought you were rugged! I thought you were a bigger man than Les Stroud, who bores the shit outta me! Now, it’s like I don’t even know you! All the letters I wrote to you… all the photos I had framed… all the Vermont Teddy Bears I outfitted with fleece vests… all the high tech surveillance I conducted on your family… ALL FOR NOTHING! We could have had it all! We could have shared blueberry pancakes together! How dare you betray your secret gay lover #1 fan? You bastard! I’ll never watch a one-man-surviving-barren-landscapes show again!

I hate you! I hate you!

Unless you want to get a beer sometime or something. That would be kinda cool.

Oh, and the video above is of lions stalking and taking down an elephant in the dead of night. Fast forward to the end to get to good stuff. TELL ME IT REALLY HAPPENED, BEAR!!!!

I suck at naming fantasy teams. Every year I come up with a fantasy team name (last year’s were Babette’s Meast and Hot Carl Lee), and every year I discover myriad other team names that put mine to shame. This is disappointing, as 50% of the joy I derive from fantasy football comes from naming and drafting my team. Everything after that is almost a letdown. There are 10 to 12 teams in every league (or, if you happen to be Punter and lack the ability to count, 14). Chances are, my team isn’t going to be the one that wins. And, if I do happen to win, then I’m just another asshole who brags about winning his fantasy league. I fucking hate those people, and so do you. It’s all sort of downhill from the initial thrill of starting out the year. You Arizona Cardinal fans can surely sympathize.

Well, this year, the pressure was even higher to come up with an acceptable team name, because the good folks over at Yahoo! Sports have invited us to join their Blogger All-Star (oxymoron alert) League, which they’ll be covering from week to week. It features us, Will Leitch, MJD, and other assorted chronic masturbators. As such, we could not select team names that were dirty (Boner In Your Butt, anyone?), homophobic (Chris Simms Is A Fag!), or ethnically displeasing (South Carolina Cracka Ass Crackas). This, as you might guess, created an almost impossible challenge for myself and my KSK colleagues. It meant we had to come up with names that were actually clever. Not our strongest suit. In fact, it’s not even a suit we have in our wardrobe.

There are no real rules to coming up with a fantasy team name. They tend to fall into categories: Dirty, Film/TV/Music/Internet references, News references, Puns, and Potpourri. Names can overlap categories, of course. But, for this exercise, let’s tackle these one by one. It’s a fantasy name brainstorming session! Actually, since we’re dealing with my brain, it’s more of a brainfogging session. I’ll be assisted by some KSK friends, including flubby, who excels at this practice (his NCAA pool name this year? Octopussybasket.).

Dirty Names
Unusable for our Yahoo! League, but usable for the KSK keeper league. Dirty names never get old, because they are dirty. Sure, Space Dockers is not the most original team name. But hey, it’s space docking. It’s funny, because it’s horrible. Here were a few during my initial brainstorm session:

-Laser Rocket Cocks
-Fuck You Brandon Jacobs
-Penis Toaster
-TO Loves The Cock
-Cock Salad
-Ass Sashimi
-Angry Butt Pirates
-Strawberry Shortcakes
-Dildo Dishwasher
-Beaver von Bismarcks
-Carolina ‘Gina

None of these are good. In fact, they’re all horrible. I don’t know how you make a cock salad, and I don’t want to find out. I assume ranch dressing is used for symbolic purposes. Laser Rocket Cocks is almost acceptable, because it works in a football reference. But, overall, these are God awful.

Film/TV/Music/Internet References
Fact: Over 70 million fantasy teams last year were named Whale’s Vaginas. The problem with making references now is that everything has officially been referenced. Think that Krull reference was a great pull? Wrong. Lots of other people also grew up in the 80’s, too. Jagoff. Frankly, I blame “Family Guy” and “I Love The 80’s” for beating every possible reference available into the ground. Even Internet references like “Carl Mondays” and what not can get tired within 24 hours (especially in our hands!).

Still, that won’t stop millions from naming their team “Sexy Time Explosions” this coming year. And you know what? It’s still pretty fucking funny. Here were some from my discard pile:

-A Planet Full Of Unicorns
-Mischievous Badgers
-Sandy Sullivan’s Gaping Snatch
-GoLords
-Destiny’s Frankensteins
-Man Vs. Zakk Wylde
-Koolaid Maroneys
-Big Black Cocks With Pearly White Cum (this may also fit in the Dirty category)
-Pumps And A Bump
-Mary Worth’s Suicide Watch
-Spidermanbearpigs
-The Ambiguously Gay Uffords

As you can see, it’s hard not to spruce up some of these references with salty language. Additions like “gaping snatch” are always an improvement. And look, a Hammer reference! But not a reference to when Hammer was popular, but to his ill-fated gangsta makeover! It’s doubly ironic! Koolaid Maroneys makes me happy, and any chance to make fun of Ufford is always time well spent. Otherwise, some of these names are about as funny as a new Deadspin commenter.

News References
Current events in sports or other news are always a good foundation for naming teams. Especially if it refers to an athlete or coach who is in trouble. It’s an enjoyable way of laughing at another person’s personal anguish. Why, I just spent an hour today trying to think of every possible name involving the word Ookie. And any reference to a coked-out Lindsay Lohan is guaranteed to remain current. The problem, of course, is that most news references can grow old before the end of the year. Don’t believe me?

-Smoot’s Fingercuffs
-Scooter Labia
-Britney’s Flobee
-Mitt’s Massholes
-Joslyn Morse’s Manpussy
-Virginia Gameness
-Ookie Monsters
-The Killing Of A Chinese Ookie
-Ookie Blaylocks
-Fortune Ookies
-Ookie Cutters
-Ookie Monsters
-Ookie Wilsons

Fred Smoot and Scooter Libby jokes. Man, do those topics have legs! Especially in a keeper league! I liked “The Killing Of A Chinese Ookie”, but Yahoo! wouldn’t allow names longer than 20 characters. Buttfuckers. I use the word “Manpussy” any chance I get, but that was out. As you can see, I went a bit overboard on the Ookie references, which brings us to…

Puns
Fantasy team names bring out the aspiring New York Post headline writer in all of us (my personal favorite Post headline, regarding a scam at Ground Zero: “Ash-Holes”). Puns are considered hacky, lame, and the refuge of a shitty writer. Which is why I thought of hundreds of them. I’ll only list a couple here to spare you the pain.

-Otis Spunksmeyer
-Goodell Ship Lollipop
-Schorno for Pyros
-The Cunt of Monte Cristo
-Tits Ahoy

I write ad headlines for a living. If it weren’t for puns, 99% of all advertising would cease to exist. As would shitty, horrible team names like these.

Potpourri
Freed from confining genre names, random names allow you to come up with shitty names or in-jokes that have nothing to do with much of anything. GO WILD!!!!

-Body by Mangini
-Bong Hits For Satan
-The Winking Nipples
-Maraschino Jeff Garcias
-Dan Shanoff’s Shaved Back

Body By Mangini was a personal favorite of mine, since it made fun of Eric Mangini (he has tits!) and myself (I do too!) simultaneously. Pot jokes always get a good reception. People love substance abuse. I have no evidence that Shanoff shaves his back. That was all through the power of my imagination.

As I said, many of these categories overlap, which is how I came up with my final team names.

KSK League: Brian’s Dong

Yahoo! League: BradyQuinn Handparty

Brian’s Dong is a combo of Dirty Name, Movie Reference, and Lame Pun. But I liked the fact that it represented the gay porn name for some old football weepie I never watched. Starring Gay Sayers!

Yahoo! has accepted the latter name for now. No one can resist a tribute to this photo:

And the Borat reference, while tired, was fitting. EXTREMELY fitting. So it had that going for it, which was nice.

But names are in the eye of the beholder. You may like the name Brian’s Dong. You may prefer Pan Down For Reggie Bush. Regardless, the important thing is that YOU like the name you picked for your team. After all, you’re the only asshole on Earth who cares about it. Until Week 10, when Larry Johnson tears his patellar tendon.

So happy naming to you, fair fantasy players. I hope you come up with something better than the shit I came up with. I’m quite certain you will. Your names welcome in the comments.

And if you’d like to know the names of the teams in the KSK Keeper League, here they are:

-Brian’s Dong
-My Hot Babysitter Raped Me
-Mattoon Green Wave (Hey Leitch, try something new for once)
-No Poon For Plaxico Tax
-We Are The Diamonds, We Come From Glasgow
-Cum Dumpsters
-Birmingham Church Fire (from UM, an inspried choice)
-Canada Roughriders
-Al Harris’ Fruit Bowl
-Gaza Striptease
-Gabelicious
-Misconstrudas
-Mr. Irrelevant (Way to make an effort, Mottram)
-Cleverly Named Team (from DJ Gallo. There’s a reason he gets paid to make jokes and I do not.)

Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:

- Now that Kevin Federline’s career has ceased to be even a publicly acknowledged farce and thus is rightly suppressed into the canon of embarassing cultural ephemera that can only be discussed between sighs in hushed tones, no. 1 fan Carson Palmer has forsworn music altogether. At least once he gets tired of the new Linkin Park album.
-TJ Houshmazood should still be your first overall fantasy pick, especially if your name is Sarah Schorno.
-With the Steelers’ hiring of Mike Tomlin in the offseason, Marvin Lewis risks no longer being the most successful black coach in the AFC North. But at least he won’t be the fat one.
-Rudi Johnson’s entire given name is Burudi, which doesn’t sound anything like Burundi. At all. A good thing, as Burundi is filled with giant crocodiles that can fuck up tigers.
-Because he’s a Bengal, and partially for show, Chris Henry always remembers to finish off pummeling 16 year olds with a Tiger Uppercut.

Projected 2007 Record: 13-3, 2nd seed in the AFC, first round bye

Actual 2007 Record: 8-8, 3rd in AFC North, miss playoffs

Having the Bengals be the face of unruly behavior and lawlessness is, though undeniably always a treat to this Steelers fan, growing ever more tiresome. What’s worse: all the jokes have been mined. And far from just old, it’s somewhat unfair. As Cincy fans are quick to point out, such behavior is hardly exclusive to them. But most within the media or the blogosphere would have you believe a league without the Bengals would be as such:

I mean, it didn’t look like any of them were even thinking about raping that girl. Certainly not the guy who looked kind of skeeved out about getting touched by a – hyuh – girl.

My suggestion to you, Bengals, is to return to being abjectly terrible and never look back. Don’t underachieve. Don’t even achieve at all. You were so adroit at being pathetic for so long that I think the throes of withdrawal that came with modest success caused a dark night of the soul and a drunk driving of the soul and an aggravated assault of the soul. The soul’s got a long rap sheet, is what I’m saying.

The beauty of my plan is that you don’t even have to give up Chad Johnson or Houshmandzadeh. It can be just like old times, with that familiar Carl Pickens/Darnay Scott tandem. Sure, Carson may have to throw a few more frustrating picks to resemble Jeff Blake, but I think he’ll find that it will come naturally after not too long.

I’ll understand if you don’t agree. Those plaintive, longing Ryan Parker songs make agonizing losses fucking beautiful, man.

image courtesy of fark.com

You might have heard about this new game, All-Pro Football 2K8 (that’s gamer language for “Too Kate” — which I assume is a a tender dedication from the game’s programmer to e-lover). It’s the one that couldn’t get licensing from the NFL so they simply created their own fictional franchises and stocked the rosters with former NFL legends. While the game’s cover features such respectable citizens as John Elway, Jerry Rice, and Barry Sanders (very careful to put the white guy in the middle) the real star is on the inside…

(watch it all, the highlight comes at the very end).

Now let’s recap…

You’ve got OJ Simpson in a video game. Fair enough.

You make OJ the star player on a team called The Assassins. Pretty Questionable.

Your mascot for the Assassins is a giant, hooded, knife-wielding maniac who celebrates touchdowns with a stabbing motion? Bellissimo!

I find this intriguing and I believe it’s my duty to expand on the idea. Here are my suggestions for All-Pro Football 2K9 (e-bestiality is not cool!)…

We welcome your Player/Team/Mascot (and/or logo) suggestions in the comments.

So Orlando Brown is picking up the paper the other day and reading about how all the referees in basketball have ties to the mob.

Then Orlando Brown read that those refs are rigging games.

This made Orlando Brown think.

This made Orlando Brown flash back to 1999. This made Orlando Brown think of you, Jeffrey Triplette. This made Orlando Brown think that little flag-throwing “accident” you had wasn’t much of an accident at all.

Jeff Triplette, I am gonna find yo ass.

Jeff Triplette, I hope you are living in a small, European country that has no extradition treaty with the United States. I hope the house you are staying in you has a secret passage located behind a bookcase that only you know about. I hope that passage leads to an underground chamber that is stocked with lots of canned food and other non-perishables.

Because, if you haven’t done any of that, I will find you. And when I find you, I’m gonna fucking destroy you.

Oh, I know you apologized. How very convenient. You were just “careless”. Sure, you were. I’m sure you were real careless surgically removing my cornea with a handkerchief. Could have happened to anyone, eh? Had nothing to do with the fact that you are a decorated war veteran who probably took courses in hand-to-handkerchief combat, eh? Had nothing to do with any possible ties to the Bonanno crime family, eh?

Orlando Brown is skeptical. No, now that this new information has come to light, Orlando Brown thinks it might be nice to seek a little bit of retribution on yo monkey ass.

You took my eye, you piece of shit. Nobody does that to Zeus without getting a lightning bolt crammed down their esophagus. You may be tricky with a handkerchief, my friend, but Orlando Brown is skilled with over 27 different firearms and blunt objects.

Oh, and this time, I’ll be bringing these.

Advantage: Orlando Brown.

Jeff Triplette, Orlando Brown is a very religious man. Not only does he believe in eye for an eye, he actually is more than happy to go above and beyond that. An eye for a leg, perhaps. Or maybe an eye for a testicle. Or even an eye for a large intestine. Or, perhaps I’ll be feeling extremely biblical that day and trade an eye for all of the above. Enjoy reffing games with only half your vital organs, you son of a bitch.

Are you scared yet, Triplette? You should be. You should be kissing your family goodbye, and wearing adult diapers to guard against pooping yourself with fright.

Because I’m gonna find you. And when I do, it ain’t gonna be no light shove like this.

No, it’s going to look more like this.

So look out, Mr. Triplette. Zeus is gonna go Ixion on your ass.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: My 2007 Vikings preview is up over at Deadspin. And 10 out of 10 commenters agree: it’s a piece of shit!

In case you missed it, last week we rolled out KSK’s new “FREE OOKIE” shirts to recognize Ron Mexico’s contributions to Western Culture. We reluctantly agree with the fashionistas who say these shirts have revolutionized the casual apparel market as the world knows it. No big whoop. Then a few days later this showed up in our inbox:

Hello folks,

You are using the name Ookie for promotional items but must be unaware that my company has a registered trademark for that name. Therefore I am sorry but you should no longer use the name. I appreciate a response.
You can see our trademark Ookie at www.babyemporio.com

thank you,
Clasina Valkenberg
Baby Emporio

We checked it out and, sure enough, Baby Emporio sells little rag dolls for babies called “Ookies.” Twenty-six bucks plus shipping and handling for a knotted up diaper that my son wouldn’t wipe his ass with. If he could wipe his ass. Which he can’t.

Our first inclination was tell Clasina Valkenberg to go pound sand. Where the hell does Clasina Valkenberg get off telling us what we can and can’t sell? Plus we had serious doubts over any exclusiveness Clasina Valkenberg claims to have over the word “Ookie” since it appears in other places on the web. But then the shit hit the fan…

We learned from MSNBC’s Darren Rovell that the NFL has forbidden fans from purchasing Mike Vick jerseys with the name “Ookie” on the back. Ye gods, we thought, had Clasina Valkenberg got to Roger Goodell? Had the mysterious baby novelty cartel forced the world’s most powerful sports league to its knees? If the NFL couldn’t stand up to Baby Emporio, what shot did a renegade band of sports bloggers have? Internally, we debated the course of action we should take. At long last, we came to a decision.

Since Clasina Valkenberg requested our response, here it is– drafted and vetted by a fleet of white-shoe attorneys, every single one a wily Jew:

We don’t give a rat’s ass if Clasina Valkenberg has a trademark on Ookie for her rag dolls. Trademark law was adopted so consumers can identify products from one another. Trademarks aren’t infinite in scope. Miller Brewery couldn’t stop you from selling Miller brand pencils, gum, nails etc. There is no likelihood of confusion between Clasina Valkenberg’s rag dolls and KSK’s shirt, which, incidentally, offer commentary on a wholly unrelated public news event.

[Note to any IP attorneys / smartass law students: I realize leaving out trademark dilution, free speech and other issues which may also figure in to any potential legal claims, but this is an NFL blog, We've already spent way to much time discussing legalities. No one wants to read boring shit like that on a Monday morning.]

So, in summary, we are changing nothing and Clasina Valkenberg can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

Shit.

The Season is going to start soon, which means that some of the fun tangential stuff we’ve been doing lately will have to take a back seat to talking about the actual games. But that’s cool, because right now there ain’t shit on TV and I’m getting annoyed with having to read about baseball all the time. Damn, do they have to play a baseball season EVERY YEAR? That game is tired, man. If they can stop making 8-tracks, they can give up this stick-and-ball shit. Am I right?

Naw, I’m just playin’, I love baseball [Note: I do not love baseball. -MMP].

Before we officially wrap up the week, here are some dates to tattoo on your forehead in reverse, you know, so you can read them when you look into a mirror:

July 24: Steelers open camp (the first NFL team to do so)
August 5: Hall Of Fame Game (New Orleans vs. Pittsburgh @ Canton, OH)
August 14: Madden NFL 08 hits stores
September 6: NFL Season Kickoff (New Orleans @ Indianapolis)

And that will do it for us. Here’s Quinn during the 2007 Patriots’ Calendar photo shoot. Sorry Quinn, but I bought another calendar last night. But I thought of you the whole time, I swear.

See you Monday. Why don’t you go outside or something.