Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Up next: Iraq!
Hey, Iraq. What’s been goin’ on? Civil war, you say? Bummer. Things were going so well when I left, what with all the celebrating and firing into the air and looting and what have you. My buddies and I would have stopped you from looting, but you looked like you were having such a good time. Plus, we didn’t get any orders for three days after Saddam abdicated. You know how it goes.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I liked the people in your country. Seriously. Your kids are all cute and skinny (I hate fat children) and eager to sell cigarettes, three attributes I admire in youngsters. And even though things have gone a little sour since 2003, I really appreciate being cheered when we rolled into Baghdad. Soooo much better than the volleys of rocket-propelled grenades we were expecting.
As a token of my gratitude, I’d like to introduce you to the NFL. You’re going to like it so much, you’ll forget all about how much your country is a complete fucking shithole.
Things about the NFL that will heal a war-torn country:
- Announcers’ constant comparisons of players to “warriors” and game to “battle” will resonate instantly.
- Players’ physical closeness and homoerotic overtones will enthrall Iraqi men.
- Detroit Lions front office makes Iraqi government look effective and efficient.
- Rioting after team wins Super Bowl much more gratifying when AK-47s fired into air.
- Dry, 115-degree heat at Arizona Cardinals’ preseason camp registers as pleasantly warm to Iraqi fans.
- NFL players know what it’s like to be killed by the U.S. Army.
- Sunnis, Shi’ites, and Kurds can agree to hate Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh, whose father is Iranian. At least until they disagree over who hates him more, sparking an unbridgeable religious divide that results in thousands killed. Oh wait. Never mind about that last part.
- Most of the devoutly Christian players suck.
- NFL has teams in shitholes like Jacksonville, Cleveland, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Detroit, and Oakland, so an expansion team in Baghdad isn’t out of the question.
- Games on only once a week, so plenty of time left over for country’s other favorite pastimes: soccer and treating women like mules.
- Plaxico Burress’s rare combination of machismo and cowardice certain to appeal to Iraqi sensibilities.
- Ravens players will embark on a United Way campaign to scour Baltimore railyards for corrugated metal with which to build homes in southern Iraq.
- Opportunity to join most of America in disliking the Colts.
Things about the NFL that may result in more suicide bombings:
- Browns tight end Kellen Winslow is a soldier.
- Tom Brady spent his offseason favoring equally shitty countries in Africa.
- Texas has two teams.
- Bombing team headquarters and stadiums to show your displeasure frowned upon in America.
- Obvious favorite team renamed the Titans.
- The most common Iraqi professions are farming and goat herding, limiting the amount of time that can be spent online conducting fantasy trades during working hours.
- Brady Quinn not gay enough.
- All-powerful Christian God often thanked for touchdowns and victories, never responsible for losses.
- Relegation of women to sideline reporters and cheerleaders not demeaning enough.
- Exposure of cheerleaders’ skin might, I don’t know, result in a boner or something. Seriously, what the fuck. Making people dress in head-to-toe garments in 130-degree heat isn’t religious tradition, it’s just being an asshole.
NOTE: Obviously, a lot of shit about a complicated situation has been simplified for jokery here. Let’s try to keep things away from a contentious and excruciatingly unfunny discussion of geopolitics in the comments, please.
I want more like this!
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