Sadly, that boy, dear readers, was the smartest boy
in all of Jacksonville Proper.

Five fast facts:

  1. The Jags often seem torn between Byron Leftwich and David Garrard. The unpleasant reality: they both suck big time.

  2. Travel tip: Jacksonville Landing is a red-neckier version of the Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Upscale alfresco dining on Styrofoam plates, yee-fucking-haw. If you go, stay in Ponte Vedra or St. Augustine and drive up. Seriously.

  3. Matt Jones is fantasy kryptonite for starry-eyed white boys. Be strong. Avoid him.

  4. MoJo Drew’s father gave him a belt than enables him to whip any man’s ass.

  5. With Mike Rumph apparently out of the game, KSK is hoping for a break-out season from Jamaal Fudge.

Projected 2007 record: 8-8

Actual 2007 record: 8-8

Between the shitty AFC South and playing the AFC West teams out of division this season, there are a lot of beatable teams on the Jags’ schedule. If end Reggie Heyward can return to the form he had two seasons ago and Mr. MoJo Risin’ continues to run all over defenses, the Jags should continue to hover around .500. But meaningful playoff success for this version of the Jags is over.

If the Jags can land (a healthy) Daunte Culpepper, then the Jags fans might have something to cheer about this season. Otherwise, one of the few things that might bear watching this is coach Jack Del Rio’s sartorial showcase. But I doubt that legions of Jags fans clad in Limp Bizkit and WWE t-shirts will be overwhelmed with the cut of the coach’s suit. If you want to impress people in Florida with a suit it should be covered in rhinestones or be full of spy gadgets like Jackie Chan’s tuxedo in that one movie. I can’t remember the name of that flick, but I think it was called Jennifer Love Hewitt: Still Not Topless.

Last week, left tackle Khalif Barnes received six months probation stemming from his DUI arrest last year. This silver-tongued, smooth talker thought he could charm his way out of a night in the cooler by coyly calling the police officer: “A white KKK devil.” Oh, K-Bar, you little minx. In case you missed it a while back when MDS had it at the Fanhouse, here is the police video of the arrest.

I thought the phrase “colored people” was deemed passé over a generation ago. Is Barnes trying to bring “colored people” back? Should I wait to see if Will Smith says it first? Then we will know it is okay for white folks to say it too. Drunk or not, Barnes still exhibits flashes of lucidity in this video, particularly when he refers to Jacksonville as a “hick town.” In vino veritas, motherfuckers.