As much as I would like to believe my Father’s Day weekend will be identical to the itinerary posted below, reality is far more cruel. I have to strip glue off the bathroom walls. And do work. And the next DVD in our Netflix queue was “Dreamgirls”.

I got fucked.

I also have to remember to call my Dad and wish him a Father’s Day in his own right. I owe it all to my dad. He’s the one who gave my me sly sense of humor. In fact, I’m quite sure you know him. He’s former LA deejay Rick Dees:


I’ve actually never spoken to my father. He abandoned us when I was 1 hour old. My mother says he’s a heartless deadbeat who never gave a shit about us and only acknowledges his “new” family. But Dad, if you’re out there, I just want you to know that, even though you were never there for me, I still love you. I’ll always be your little Disco Duck. Hugs and hand pounds, Big Poppa.

This week’s draft is an Alternate Dad draft. You’re picking a new daddy, one to replace the one that got drunk and beat you every weekend. The rules? Pick one dad, fictional or otherwise. It can be any man at any point in time. Once you pick a new dad, you must wait 10 picks until you pick a new one. Let us also assume you are already a billionaire, so potential inheritance plays no role here.

My first pick? Mr. Incredible.


Apart from money, the most important quality my new dad can have is the ability to beat up YOUR dad. And rest assured, Mr. Incredible will fuck your dad up. And, being his spawn means I could have special powers myself. Just call me Jack-Jack.