This Week’s Commenter Draft: Who Would Play You In A Movie Of Your Life’s Story
Face it, your life sucks. You weekdays are boring, you sleep through your weekends, and even your most eventful evenings are scattered among nights of cheap, fatty dinners and sessions of underhanded self-loathing. You are hardly redeemable as a human being. And we would know.
Fortunately for you (and for us), Hollywood never lets facts get in the way of bad cinema. The screenplay documenting your shitty existance, after a few focus meetings and a near-infinite number of re-writes, will be perfect for the silver screen. Remember the time you fucked that hot blonde in the back room at Piggly Wiggly? Neither do we! But there it is, on page 70, written out in all its artistic glory.
Today, good people, you are casting the person that would play you in this movie.
The Rules:
–You are picking this person as they existed IN THEIR PRIME.
Think Steve McQueen circa The Cincinnati Kid or Adam Sandler circa Happy Gilmore. They do not have to be alive today.
–They do not necessarily have to be actors.
Most of you are going to fuck this up anyway, so go ahead and embarrass yourselves creatively.
–No one can be chosen twice, regardless of which era that person is taken.
For example, you could take Drew Barrymore from ET, or Drew Barrymore from Charlie’s Angels. Not both. Again, some of you are stupid and will fuck this up. I apologize to both of our literate readers that naturally would have understood this.
–People back out of shit in Hollywood all the time, so take an understudy. Or six.
Don’t let your movie go to shit because your main guy bailed two weeks before shooting to be the next General Zod. Get a backup, but wait 10 picks before doing so. Same as always.
With the first pick, I’ll keep it contemporary and select the incomparable Don Cheadle. Black people are always cooler than white people. Plus, this guy could read a fucking Human Resources policy book and leave me transfixed. Fortunately, making my life interesting will be only slightly more difficult than that.
Get to it.
Tags: ksk commenter drafts, MMP, sometimes I wish I was black, yes we know rex grossman had his HS jersey retired so s
June 29th, 2007 at 10:24 am
George Clooney. Only dude I know who gets as much ass as me.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Has Don Cheadle been taken?
June 29th, 2007 at 10:27 am
Don Cheadle is the poor man’s Alphonso Ribeiro.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:28 am
John Belushi
June 29th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Brando. No understudies necessary.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:29 am
John Cusack.
He should probably start eating pasta for the next eight weeks.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Tom Cruise, Risky Business era…
Is that gay? It feels gay…
June 29th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Vince Vaughn
June 29th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Steve Buscemi
June 29th, 2007 at 10:30 am
I’ll take DeNiro. All around badass, just like myself.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Russell Crowe
June 29th, 2007 at 10:30 am
johnny depp
June 29th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Forgot to add, vince vaughn in his swingers era, he was skinnier and better looking than now
June 29th, 2007 at 10:31 am
Leif Garrett. I just feel like we’re going to have something in common in about two years.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Jeff Bridges
June 29th, 2007 at 10:32 am
@burnsy: I hope he’s available!
June 29th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Chevy Chase circa Fletch.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:32 am
And seeing as I’ve been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.
WV: kmayb… what I would say to ScarJo if she asked me to put it in her pooper.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Geena Davis – circa The Last Kiss Goodnight.
Because my tall personality can be reflected on the screen even if though it has been limited in real life by the fact that I’m hobbit sized.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Jon Favreau. He’s already been eating pasta for the past eight weeks.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Clint Eastwood.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:34 am
vincent chase
June 29th, 2007 at 10:34 am
And seeing as I’ve been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.
Then penalize yourself, you only waited 9 picks. Off with your fucking head.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:34 am
@ ffjewbacca
Thank God, because I’m taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Anyone who takes Chris Tucker should promise their movie ends with several gunshots shots to the head face chest neck and legs.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Then so did Drew because I picked after him.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Richard Roundtree
Hey, I’m just talkin’ ’bout Shaft!
June 29th, 2007 at 10:37 am
Drew, breaking the rules? For shame.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:37 am
“underhanded self-loathing”, is that the new euphemism for masturbation? That would make sense if we’re talking about my life.
Benicio Del Toro. ‘Fear and Loathing…’ Benicio.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:37 am
Fantastic pick, Otto.
I’ll take the Vikings penalty on my next pick. No one’s taking Corey Haim soon anyways.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:37 am
burnsy, you also broke the ‘no one can be chosen twice’ rule
June 29th, 2007 at 10:37 am
Mel Gibson
He already has the whole drunken, prejudice, asshole thing down, so he wont have to do much research for the part
June 29th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Paul Giamatti sans the beard and with some serious lifts. I related to “Sideways” a whole lot more than I care to admit. Plus I wouldn’t mind bagging Virginia Madsen.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Chevy Chase circa Fletch.
Thank God, because I’m taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.
Worst. Moderator. Ever.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Drew didn’t pick first, Punter did….
June 29th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I’ll take Harrison Ford from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Question: How can I post or send someone on here a picture of Kool Aid dressed up like a gangsta, with bling on. Don’t ask me how I found it. It was a google miracle.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Jenna Jamesom before the bad plastic surgery
June 29th, 2007 at 10:41 am
Um, that was a joke. Yikes.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:42 am
@ grimey
I stand corrected. I’m quite hugnover. I penalize myself two picks and beg for everyone’s forgiveness.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Steve McQueen
June 29th, 2007 at 10:43 am
John Holmes.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Stephen Colbert.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Good thing you’re in charge of the office today, Burnsy.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Gene Hackman to the set.
I cant believe I missed the bukkake yesterday. Nice work, fellas.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Ron Jeremy. . . . circa today when he is fat and ugly and hairy. . .not from back in the day when he was tubby and ugly and hairy.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:44 am
W.C. Fields
June 29th, 2007 at 10:45 am
@ j
No shit. Pretty soon I’ll take a dump on my desk.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Steve Carell, both of Michael Scott and 40-Year-Old Virgin varities is a more than acceptable understudy.
I think I win the self-loathing battle. Y’all can suck it.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Samuel L Jackson.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:45 am
I wish i was suicidal, cuz then I’d definitely pick Zach Braff. Since I’m not, I’m going Steve McQueen.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Jack Palance.
“Confidence is verrrrrry sexy, don’t you think?”
MMP, what about animated characters?
June 29th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Randy Couture
Bad Ass
June 29th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Johnny “Drama” Chase. Jesus, is my self-esteem that low
June 29th, 2007 at 10:46 am
fuck, withdrawn
June 29th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Ryan Reynolds, who actually is Chevy Chase in his prime.
Note: I would do the same for him, if the beginning of the movie were after he split up with Alanis Morrisette.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:47 am
Angelina Jolie – she’s hot and (I think) she can act.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:49 am
John Wayne
June 29th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Sean Connery.
The penis mightier!
June 29th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Denzel is a good value pick here. i’m told he’s black, but I don’t see colors when i look at people.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:50 am
@Awful Chief: No.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Anybody want to go start drinking at Hooters? But not like a good Hooters, like an airport Hooters where the chicks have C-section scars and black eyes.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Ed O’Neill, circa Dutch
June 29th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Rick Morranis circa Little Shop Of Horrors.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Ed O’Neill is a fantastic pick at any stage of his career.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:52 am
I need someone to do justice to my drug-fueled high school days.
HST
I already got Johnny Depp, who wouldnt want two Raoul Dukes?
June 29th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Jason Lee.
no explanation necessary.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:54 am
I don’t know Chief, have you tried watching John in Cinnci?
June 29th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Christian Bale. Why, because I have an incredibly inflated sense of self-esteem, that’s why.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Since Redhead took my pick, I’ll go with Charlize Theron, circa anything but “Monster”.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Donald Sutherland, circa Kelly’s Heroes.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Bill Pullman, circa ID4
June 29th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Dennis Hopper circa Apocalypse Now.
Good times.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Bogart.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Bill Murray circa Caddyshack/Stripes
June 29th, 2007 at 10:58 am
James. Fucking. Dean.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Jonathan Silverman
I’m not a Jew but I wish I was.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Jack Nicholson . . . any time period, any movie, any day.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Val Kilmer
June 29th, 2007 at 11:01 am
I’ll take one Dennis Leary, and his “asshole” song gets to be played during the opening and closing credits.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:01 am
Rita Hayworth circa the movie Gilda – I kind of feel obligated to take a redhead, and she was the best.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:01 am
Paul Newman, straight out of “Cool Hand Luke.”
But only on the condition that George Kennedy’s semi-retarded best friend doesn’t come along for the ride.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:01 am
Is this who we want or who should?
With my first pick I choose who I want:
Paul Newman – circa Cool Hand Luke/ Butch Cassidy
June 29th, 2007 at 11:01 am
Damn you Drew, damn you to hell.
I’ll take Bruce Lee.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Ahh fuck you otto man
June 29th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Jim Caviezel
June 29th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Has Christopher Walken been taken? I didn’t see his name, so if he was, count me as one of the illiterate readers.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Isaiah Thomas.
About right considering I’m a complete fucktard today.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Sorry for the cockblock, Dougolis.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
He-Man.
The resemblance is uncanny…..
June 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Was going to take him, coach, but I’ll take Harvey keitel circa Bad Lieutenant.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Alec “you’re a disgusting little pig” Baldwin.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Gary Oldman
“He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain’t white boy day, is it?”
That sounds like something i would say.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Billy Dee Williams- -(cerca Blacula) No one’s smoother.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Jon Stewart. On Weed.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Well, I guess I’ll take who I think should since that pick was voided: Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko)
June 29th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Tommy Chong, I feel that would do appropriate justice to my visage.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:04 am
tony jaa
my athelticism is on par with his
June 29th, 2007 at 11:04 am
@DougOLis: your call.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I’m taking Rodney Dangerfield… I don’t really know why… but it seems to be a good pick.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Phillip Semour Hoffman circa “Scotty J”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:05 am
William Hung.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:05 am
fallex, nice pick with Murray.
“You can’t leave! All the plants are gonna die!”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Alan Rickman
June 29th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Nicholas Cage
June 29th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Donald Duck….I want my life story to be animated
June 29th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Rowdy Roddy Piper. WWF or ‘They Live’ eras, take your pick.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Woody Allen
The uber-mensch; also closer to my actual height than Jonathan Silverman.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:06 am
peter dinklage, because sometimes i wish i was short?
June 29th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Ray Liotta from “GoodFellas”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:07 am
fucking chief i was taking the time to read through them all and in that time you took my guy. come on hes jewish from the 609, come one please i beg you. by the way know we see why following th rules never pays.
fuck it i take troy mclure
June 29th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Ralph Macchio
June 29th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Pacino – good value this low
June 29th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Helen Keller circa hagrhiargh 8pa4rg89pz erhsvjnsrvl
June 29th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Chris Benoit
…too soon?
June 29th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Spike Lee – he’s touch shorter than me, but I agree with MMP, black guys are cooler than people of pallor.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:10 am
fuck IT. HANKS.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Bill Lumbergh – Office Space.
“Mmm, yeah, I’m going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday.”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:11 am
Tobey Maguire…
because everyone says I look like him (so be it!).
June 29th, 2007 at 11:11 am
On second thought, I don’t want anyone to see my life story on the big screen. So… David Spade.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:12 am
ok is been ten im taking the other jewish hro
mel brooks
“mel brooks is jeweish!?”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Ava Gardner
June 29th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Jessica Biel! Now all the love scenes will be lesbian scenes with a super-hot chick. Hooray!
June 29th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Mike Madsen circa Reservoir Dogs
June 29th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Good one with Madsen. I’m going with Harvey Keitel.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:15 am
jargonbear, the man has a name. Gary Cole.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:15 am
William Zabka aka Johnny from the Karate Kid.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:15 am
@romo no homo
not too soon at all, cool picture by the way, fag
June 29th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Charlton Heston.
I’m having a hard time figuring out what his prime was, though. Back in the “Ten Commandments” and “Ben-Hur” epics? Or the finer work of “Planet of the Apes,” “Omega Man,” and “Soylent Green”?
Hard to say.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:17 am
@awful chief..I realize it’s Gary Cole, but he’s a respected actor with a decent resume.
I just think an asshole would be a much better portrayal.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:17 am
damn you Caveman! I was going to go with the actress/lesbian love scenes via Uma.
Why, yes, I believe a 6 foot tall woman can play me.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Apparently Keitel picked. Anybody taken Wallace Shawn? You may all know him as “IN-CON-THEEVABLE!!!!!”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:18 am
The guy that played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Gael Garcia Burnal, not sure why but I don’t think I have disliked a single thing he has been in.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:19 am
Sean Penn. he’ll accurately depict both my high school experiences and my war crimes in vietnam
June 29th, 2007 at 11:19 am
groucho,
what?
June 29th, 2007 at 11:19 am
grungedave said…
“Tobey Maguire…
because everyone says I look like him (so be it!).”
grungedave = Will Leitch.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:20 am
… and those times I banged Madonna when she was hot and curious.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:22 am
john john, the king is a fucked up movie.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Jim Carrey – a bunch of Brits once told me I was a dead ringer. I don’t see it, but I’ll take it.
Circa “Eternal Sunshine” becaue I’m a total film snob douche. Kate Winslet isn’t too hard on the eyes, either.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:22 am
@Matt, you mean Alex Winter? solid.
I’ll take Vinnie Jones (Big Chris from Lock, Stock …)
June 29th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Hilary Swank…no wait, too manly to play me.
Jason Biggs
Better.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:24 am
so i can take clive owen this late? nice. clive fucking owen. i think maybe i win with the modern actors.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Peter I never said his shit isn’t fucked up from time to time, just said I haven’t not liked any of his shit
June 29th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Bobby Hill, at the age of 40.
If he lets himself go.
I’m just as good looking and almost as funny.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Robert Plant for my late teen, early 20 years.
Fred Schneider of the B-52’s, circa 1991, for my late 20’s, early 30’s years.
Abe Vigoda for mid-30’s to present.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Judi Dench.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:26 am
Michael Keaton as Johnny Dangerously, but I’ll take his whole career through the second Batman.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Marcello Mastroianni in La dolce vita. Buxom Swedish women constantly ask me to follow them.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:27 am
I like “The King” its just fucked up. Dont get so defensive, its okay.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Eric Stoltz
Lance from Pulp Fiction
June 29th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Will Ferrell. I drive a dodge stratus. Booyah.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Judy Garland, circa Wizard of Oz.
Does it make me a friend of Dorothy if I am Dorothy?
June 29th, 2007 at 11:27 am
La Lohan circa Mean Girls.
Redheaded
Freckled
Quality boobs
Crazy only in a charming way
Fan of the booze
June 29th, 2007 at 11:28 am
John Candy
June 29th, 2007 at 11:28 am
back to the great black actors – Morgan Freeman – he’s played God (twice!) and the POTUS.
wv: wmzzzwf – that’s how I feel today. zzz – What? Fuck!
June 29th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Laurence Fishburne.
And once again, I can’t decide if I want Furious Styles Fishburne or Morpheus Fishburne. Hmmm.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:29 am
This is an easy one for me. Charlie Sheen plays the character of ME right between Platoon and Wall Street. My life story would be a massively overexaggerated story of hookers, blow, and running from the law…because Sheen was completely money from ‘86 – ‘90.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Oh, and yes I know I need a thesaurus.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Elijah Wood
Short and douchey wins the race.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Chris Farley…..I used to be mistaken for him in college
June 29th, 2007 at 11:31 am
wv: ppinbuy
“Oh I was in the neighborhood, just ppinbuy”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Edward Norton on the board? Edward Norton off the board.
Suckers.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:31 am
jet li. ironically hilarious because i’ve never been in a fight of any kind.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Bruce Willis
June 29th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Crispin Glover
June 29th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Bruce Campbell
Also, sorry if that came off as defensive, didn’t mean to be.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Randy Quaid for the ‘unstable’ years.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:34 am
I always get in on these things late.
Jack Black.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Emilio Estevez circa D1.
take the fall
act hurt
get indignant
June 29th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Jack Bauer, and no I don’t mean Kiefer Sutherland, I mean Jack Bauer. Unless it’s the Kiefer that tackled the tree.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Clark Gable
June 29th, 2007 at 11:35 am
“I’ll take Christopher Reeve!”
-Mike Utley
June 29th, 2007 at 11:36 am
James Gandolfini
June 29th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Gary Coleman
June 29th, 2007 at 11:37 am
The red Teletubby.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:38 am
No one’s taken Robert Redford?
Fine, I’ll reunite Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:38 am
I’ve been told I look like Damon, so maybe Damon would seem like he was playing me… Only to be killed by the real me, Jean Reno. (The Professional.)
June 29th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I’m planning to be pretty goddamn ornery when I’m old, so I’ll take George C. Scott circa Patton.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:40 am
Jesus.
Who’s not gonna vote for Jesus to win the Oscar?
June 29th, 2007 at 11:40 am
Danny Trejo.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:41 am
tony curtis circa some like it hot. if he were into babes he could have pulled down so much tail, including monroe
June 29th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Paul Rudd – know how I know you’re all gay? You listen to Coldplay!
June 29th, 2007 at 11:43 am
clive owen, jet li, and now orson welles. not a bad lineup.
i love how people are picking non-actors to act as them in a movie.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:43 am
David Cross
June 29th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Burnsy, that was one hell of a pick.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Michael Imperioli
The big Sicilian nose clinches it.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:44 am
I can’t wait until KSK finances these movies to be made.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:44 am
With the steal of the draft…Kevin Spacey. Nobody else is as consistently aces as the man who:
a) refused to have his name on the poster or opening credits of Se7en because he didn’t want fans to know it was him
b) was motherfucking Keyzer Soze
June 29th, 2007 at 11:45 am
anthony michael hall, circa breakfast club. or john cryer, both of them are interchangeable anyway.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:45 am
Yeah, where do we turn in the screenplays?
June 29th, 2007 at 11:45 am
David Hasselhoff. choke on my hoff.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Jet Li:
With the personality of Lethal Weapon 4 and the martial arts skill shown in Legend.
…and a bigger wang. I’m just assuming…
June 29th, 2007 at 11:48 am
@ the yong nucleus:
yeah, but…
June 29th, 2007 at 11:49 am
@ethnic mike: Jet Li was taken awhile ago
June 29th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Hugh Jackman, both the Tony Award winner and Wolverine. Money.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Sam Rockwell.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:51 am
William Shatner.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:54 am
Eric Bana because “If any of us get laid tonight it’s because of Eric Bana in Munich”
June 29th, 2007 at 11:55 am
The vibration’s good like sunkist. Make you wanna know who done this?
Mark fucking Wahlberg.
Feel, feel, feel, feel, feel…..Feel my heeeeeeat!
June 29th, 2007 at 11:55 am
…unfortunately before I refreshed my screen. Sorry.
I’ll have to go with Mario Lopez for his fine work in Saved By The Bell and overall acting ability.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Red Dawn. Point Break. Roadhouse.
Patrick Swayze
I’m just gonna sit back and count my millions.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:56 am
the young nucleus: Kevin Spacey gay?
June 29th, 2007 at 11:56 am
BTW, can we talk about how sweaty Eric Bana was in that last sex scene in Munich? Not even RonJ sweat THAT much during sex.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:58 am
Orson Welles from basically any era.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:58 am
#1-Billy Dee Williams
#2-Zabka
#3-token Asian kid in 80’s movie who played Data and Short Round “NO time for love Dr. Jones”
I had to round out the racial spectrum, and also I’ve been accused of looking like that kid
June 29th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Chuck Norris.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Dustin Hoffman, because I was retarded once.
Good value pick here, but would consider trading for red teletubby. I have my reasons.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
1st choice Michael Chiklis
2nd choice Telly Savalas
3rd choice Principal Strickland from BTTF
June 29th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
John McGinnley from Scrubs
June 29th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
You know how we know Kevin Spacy is gay? He has a rainbow bumper sticker that says “I Like balls in my face”.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Forest. Whitaker.
Suck it.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Dave Chapelle.
I needed a black guy.
Im done.
Johnny Depp
Brad Pitt
W.C. Fields
Hunter Thompson
Val Kilmer
John Candy
Dave Chapelle
I guess I dont need that many understudys, but Im going for a weird indy movie where I am played by 7 different actors and all of them win Oscars.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
John. Mother. Fucking. McClane.
Suck that.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Gregory Peck.
Unless it turns out he was always secretly:
1. gay
OR
2. French
In which case I’ll take Jimi Hendrix
June 29th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
@brendan – No, we can’t.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
River Phoenix
June 29th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Matt:
“grungedave = Will Leitch.”
uh…….. not quite. For one I hate the fucking Cardinals. And the Buzzsaw.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Robert Guillaume.
He’s the guy that played “Benson”. Look good in a bow tie.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Kevin James from “king of queens”. Freakin hilarious, fat, and still manages hot women.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Kevin Smith.
Jersey pride, bitches.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
For my last pick before hitting the lunchtime stripclub, I select Bill Brasky.
When Brasky accepted his Oscar, he just sat in his seat and yelled, “I’ll take the lot of ‘em, you fags!” That speech is considered the greatest cinematic event in human history. No movie has been made since.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Christopher Walken. From “Annie Hall.”
June 29th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
christopher walken = gone
June 29th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Dammit.
Jim Brown. From “100 Rifles,” where he gets to bullshit with Burt Reynolds and fuck the hell out of a scorchingly hot Raquel Welch.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Cary Grant, motherfuckers.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
My understudy will be Joe Pesci circa Goodfellas. Nobody in my movie would talk any shit to me without being thoroughly pistol whipped. And I get to creatively and excessively use the word “fuck” throughout.
ME
starring – Charlie Sheen in 1986
understudy #1 – Joe Pesci in 1990
June 29th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Peter Weller. From? the adventures of buckaroo bonzai across the 8th dimension. The way he excelled at lines like “Hey, hey, hey. Don’t be mean. We don’t have to be mean because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”, he should be able to adapt well to being a second rate KSK commenter.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
I just noticed the NC-17 rating at the top of the page. When did that get there?
June 29th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Milla Jovavich, don’t really care from when, though I don’t think I’d look good in orange hair. She’s taller than me, but I have slightly bigger boobs, so it comes out (sorta) even, looks-wise.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Ray Allen from He Got Game, Young Rosario Dawson playing a hood rat, that’s my type of woman.
And that cinches my token black person.
1. Christian Bale
2. Tommy Chong
3. Gael Garcia Burnal
4. Bruce Campbell
5. Eric Bana
6. Ray Allen
June 29th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Stanley Tucci. Dude’s just hilarious.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Willem Dafoe. I know his face is all jacked up; but if I ever decide to kill someone someday, I can’t imagine anyone better.
BTW: we’ve now taken a decent portion of the Platoon cast:
Charlie Sheen
Johnny Depp
Forest Whitaker
Johnny Drama
Willem Dafoe
June 29th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Bill Allen…Cru Jones from Rad
Who wants to go ass-sliding???
June 29th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Here’s my ridiculously long list:
Richard Roundtree
Sean Connery
Paul Newman
Ray Liotta
Charlton Heston
Laurence Fishburne
Robert Redford
Sam Rockwell
Jim Brown
For the record, I’ve got the men who brought us John Shaft, James Bond, Cool Hand Luke, Henry Hill, George Taylor, Furious Styles, the Sundance Kid, Chuck Barris, and Slaughter/Jefferson.
I think together they might be able to capture the magic that is me.
If not, I’ll go with Fred “the Hammer” Williamson.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
joe don baker.
peace.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
By the way, today’s picture of Will Leitch is even more emo than yesterday’s. He almost looks like a woman there.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Steve Zahn, from Saving Silverman and Employee of the Month (not the one w/ Jessica Simpson).
June 29th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
What a steal i’m about to pull off here…Kurt Russell, from any John Carpenter movie.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Going old school again: I can’t believe Sidney Poitier is still around this late. YOINK.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
my alternate choice would be BOTH fittys (fitties?), larry and cent.
there would have to be many crackers.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
I am a white, 20-year-old male journalism major. Thusly, I select Leslie David Baker, who plays Stanley on The Office.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Peter North. Too modest?
June 29th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
there would have to be many crackers.
I guess you could shoot in Kansas or Iowa.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Since everyone is picking a token brotha here…I’ll also join that bandwagon.
Taye Diggs plays me in the urban adaptation of my life story.
“He was a poor misguided street youth with a good heart and a passion for tennis…the one thing that could get him out of the hood.”
I would then become a tennis pro, have arms bigger than Raphael Nadal and bang my way through all the hot Russian girls on the pro tour.
This shit just writes itself.
ME:
starring – Charlie Sheen (circa ‘86)
understudy- Joe Pesci (circa ‘90)
urban version – Taye Diggs (present day)
June 29th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
My fellow green-eyed devil, Terrence Howard. Ask a woman why.
not as the weak punk from ‘Crash’, though.
@awful chief: with Peter Weller you also get ‘Robocop’, right? Excellent selection.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Kurt Russell circa Tango & Cash to wardrobe.
Here’s my list:
Robert DeNiro
Gene Hackman
Clark Gable
Kurt Russell
Good ’nuff.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Sam Riley, circa now. I can only hope to brood as much as he does in Control.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Tim Couch
June 29th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Rachel McAdams. Damned fine actress, and my biggest non-sexual crush.
Whoever chose Danny Trejo and Bruce Campbell rock my ass. Great picks.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
If I can pick a sista, I pick N’Bushe Wright, specifically from “Blade.” She’s good-looking and smart and can handle a shotgun.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
@robert: i took orson welles with my third pick a while ago.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
For his acting chops and his weight, John Goodman.
WF
(”What self-esteem issues?”)
June 29th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
@sledgod, damn you and your knowledge, I was busy searching IMDB to get his name.
“Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.”
June 29th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
To sum up:
Primary: Jake Gyllenhaal
Understudy: River Phoenix
The bad ass years: Jack Bauer
The retarded years: Helen Keller
The humorous years: David Cross
The psychotic years: Willem Dafoe
June 29th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Jessica Rabbit, no question.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Rex Grossman, without a doubt.
Only he can turn my life story into the sexcapade I always dreamed it would be when I was a little boy.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
All of these picks (in drafted order) would do well in the lead of my life story, “Growing up, Throwing up: The Story of anOversexed Shank of Manliness Hellbent on Drinking and Yelling at Everything.”:
Lead: Brando
Clint Eastwood (good for flashbacks of my gunslinging toddler years)
John Holmes (stuntcock!)
Denzel Washington
James. Fucking. Dean.
Jon Stewart
Tom Hanks
Sean Penn
Will Ferrell
Randy Quaid (for the lost years)
George C. Scott
David Hasselhoff
Dustin Hoffman
Bill Brasky
I would also pick Haley Joel Osmont, but not for my movie. I’d just kick him in the neck.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Hugh Reilly
June 29th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Ok brother. I did a lil ctrl-f and didn’t see it, but whatever.
marcello mastroianni is my next pick, then i’m gonna take ricky gervais….aaand i’m done.
June 29th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
John Kruk, ca. 1991
There are only so many sloppy lefties with power laying around, and none of them are in Hollywood.
June 29th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Sean Penn. Because he’s an asshole. Just like me.
June 29th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Heath Ledger circa Brokeback Mountain. He was the one taking it, right? I mean that’s what I heard. … Wow did I just think or say that? Um … Oh boy. I didn’t mean to let that one out. Let’s try again.
Primary: Al Sharpton circa Tawana Brawley. You can’t front on the sweat suits and fat gold chains.
Understudy: Cuba Gooding Jr. circa BITH. Ain’t nuthin’ like the demin shirt tucked in the tight demin jeans. His evolution to retard in Radio parallels my growth or lack thereof.
June 29th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Anne Hathaway circa Brokeback Mountain
June 29th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Number 4 is a true value pick this low in the draft. He’d play me in my mid-20s when I became a sargeant in an elite army unit assigned to protect the earth from aliens and communists (and alien communist rebels).
ME:
starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger (circa – predator or commando)
How did I land this pick so low???
June 29th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Will Arnett
June 29th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
I’m gonna go with Ron Livingston.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
Sweet baby jebus. I forgot two understudies.
2. Freedom Williams – Anyone who is that confident in his ability to make people do anything especially sweat must be wise beyond his years.
3. Walton Goggins (Shane Vendrell) – The greatest undercover name in the history of the universe. Cletus. Van. Damme.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Justin Long
June 29th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
John John…Will Arnett is an AWESOME pick.
I’m going with Jenna Fischer, Pam from the office.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Tim Matheson, from the Animal house days. Cool motherfucker.
For the older me, Bradley Whitford.
And for that period in my life where I was a slutty lesbian who spent 4 years in a swedish prison, Angelina Jolie.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Buster Poindexter
June 29th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
I may have missed Jessica Alba… so, just to not break the rules, I will go out of the box and choose Alessandra Ambrosio, VS model.
And in the script, I would include some self love, just so I could say I’ve been touched by Alessandra Ambrosio, VS model.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
I joined the party late, but I’ll take Avery Brooks (HAWK) because he’s almost as bad-ass as me.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Dolemite- I’d like to point out that Jack Nicholson is BY FAR the best pick in this draft. I’m pretty certain that this is undisputable.
With that said, I select Rusel Crowe. He kicks ass, literally.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
I am way late to the party, but I’ll grab John C. Reilly in the Reed Rothschild days. Oh heckfire, I’ll break the rules and pick a few since I am 7 hours behind.
College Years: Reed Rothschild
That time I tried drugs: Crispin Glover
For all those uncomfortable silence moments and someone needs to say something funny enough to break the ice: Matthew Perry
For my gangsta flava: Jake Busy (aka Shasta McNasty)
June 29th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Michael Douglas, from his Wall Street Fatal Attraction days.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
John Turturro from Big Lebowski.
“Don’t nobody fuck wit da Jesus”
June 29th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
I’ll end with a hot older actress-Helen Mirren. The lady has great tits for her age, plus I’d have a British accent. Bonus.
1. Rachel McAdams
2. Jenna Fischer
3. Helen Mirren
If I were a man I would have chosen Peter Krause by now.
June 29th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
In a beautifully choreographed martial arts epic, the part of ME will be played by bad guy extraordinaire BOLO YEUNG.
Charlie Sheen (1986)
Joe Pesci (1990)
Taye Diggs (present)
Ah-nold (circa Predator)
BOLO YEUNG (circa bloodsport)
Chong Li! Chong Li! Chong Li!
June 29th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
brendan fraser
I know he is a d bag but i look just like him. i hear it at least twice a week.
June 29th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Late to the party, but with the steal of the draft: Denzel Washington, you feel me?
June 29th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
‘N yeah, the Chief wanted him earlier, but behind Brando, Eastwood and Stuntcock…’n only two picks ahead of Jon Stewart. Y’all know Denzel gon’ be taken by then, so that jus’ don’ count.
June 29th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Did nobody pick Seth Rogen? I get a lot of people saying I’m like Seth Rogen. My name is Ben, I’m a stoner, and I have unprotected sex, so you can see where the “Knocked Up” comparisons come from.
June 29th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
I cannot believe he hasn’t been taken yet: Ricardo Montalbon, circa Wrath of Khan
June 29th, 2007 at 11:10 pm
I’ll take Special Ed, cause…
I got it made…
People used to tell me I looked like him in High School.
June 30th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
F’ing Terry O’Quinn circa 1st-2nd season of Lost.
July 1st, 2007 at 11:03 am
Michael Keaton in “Night Shift,” one of the two funniest movies of all time, along with “My Cousin Vinny.”
July 1st, 2007 at 12:30 pm
jenna fischer was my first choice but she’s already taken…
so katherine heigl
July 1st, 2007 at 3:06 pm
Quentin Tarantino
I look just like the sorry bastard. He could also be penciled in to direct.
July 1st, 2007 at 9:44 pm
I don’t know how many people saw Russell Crowe’s interview with Steve Kroft on 60 minutes tonight, but Drew’s pick looks better and better by the second.
July 1st, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Clint Eastwood circa Dirty Harry.
July 2nd, 2007 at 2:17 am
I would like the record to show that no one selected Cary Grant or James Stewart. What a waste.
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:57 pm
John Krasinski from the Office. Creatively funny dude, and gets to choose between banging Pam or Karen. That’s called a win…win
July 2nd, 2007 at 2:32 pm
I’m late, but I only need one pick: Paul Robeson.
July 2nd, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Vincent Chase is a fictional character from Entourage.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:45 am
A week late with a quarter in hand I take Will Smith.
Thanks and goodnight.