Face it, your life sucks. You weekdays are boring, you sleep through your weekends, and even your most eventful evenings are scattered among nights of cheap, fatty dinners and sessions of underhanded self-loathing. You are hardly redeemable as a human being. And we would know.
Fortunately for you (and for us), Hollywood never lets facts get in the way of bad cinema. The screenplay documenting your shitty existance, after a few focus meetings and a near-infinite number of re-writes, will be perfect for the silver screen. Remember the time you fucked that hot blonde in the back room at Piggly Wiggly? Neither do we! But there it is, on page 70, written out in all its artistic glory.
Today, good people, you are casting the person that would play you in this movie.
–You are picking this person as they existed IN THEIR PRIME.
Think Steve McQueen circa The Cincinnati Kid or Adam Sandler circa Happy Gilmore. They do not have to be alive today.
–They do not necessarily have to be actors.
Most of you are going to fuck this up anyway, so go ahead and embarrass yourselves creatively.
–No one can be chosen twice, regardless of which era that person is taken.
For example, you could take Drew Barrymore from ET, or Drew Barrymore from Charlie’s Angels. Not both. Again, some of you are stupid and will fuck this up. I apologize to both of our literate readers that naturally would have understood this.
–People back out of shit in Hollywood all the time, so take an understudy. Or six.
Don’t let your movie go to shit because your main guy bailed two weeks before shooting to be the next General Zod. Get a backup, but wait 10 picks before doing so. Same as always.
With the first pick, I’ll keep it contemporary and select the incomparable Don Cheadle. Black people are always cooler than white people. Plus, this guy could read a fucking Human Resources policy book and leave me transfixed. Fortunately, making my life interesting will be only slightly more difficult than that.
Get to it.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.