This Week’s KSK Commenter Draft: People You Would Have Liked To Be Your Graduation Speaker
Brian Billick was a graduation speaker at Johns Hopkins recently. There he imparted some might fine words of wisdom on the graduatiing class.
“In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed,” Billick said from the lectern at Hopkins’ lacrosse field. “Be that pig.”
Yes, The Bri is a master of metaphors. In the breakfast of life, you should be the fatty, salty mud-dweller who gets brutally slaughtered for the enjoyment of others. Ray Lewis can assist you if you’re having problems butchering yourself.
Commencement ceremonies are godawful. Mine, like all of them, took place on a 95 degree day and lasted eight hours while I nursed an absolutely brutal hangover. During senior week I got so drunk one night I passed out in the middle of a street in Portland, Maine. When I asked my friend the next morning how I got back to campus, all he said was, “I’m gonna fucking kill you.” He’s not really my friend anymore.
Our graduation speaker was Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. BORING. I don’t remember a goddamn word he said. Just another fucking lawyer. But I know who I wish we’d gotten.
Fucking Harvard gets all the best speakers. Snobby little bitches.
Will Ferrell is my number one pick for this draft. The rules: Pick one speaker only, then wait ten choices until you make another. This can be a speaker from any point in history, and I offer you bonus points for sincerity. Also, if you’re late to the draft, TOUGH FUCKING SHIT. Don’t be one of those assholes who’s like, “Oh, I’m late. I’ll just take five people!” You’re gay if you do that.
UPDATE IN BOLD: NO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, is this the worcester boat show?, ksk commenter drafts
June 8th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Stuart Scott.
Bonus: He actually spoke at my graduation and only spoke for about 15 minutes. No hour-long BS session for me.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:00 am
HST
June 8th, 2007 at 10:00 am
WTF, I’ll take Big Daddy Drew…given that alotment of time, only god know’s what will come out of your mouth.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Jim Abrams (of Abrams/Zucker bros.)
1. He actually graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and
2. I actually saw him give a talk (during the 1st annual Wisconsin Film Festival) so I can attest to the fact that he can kill it.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Can we ban John for that pick?
June 8th, 2007 at 10:03 am
Big Daddy Drew.
Dick, bukkake and poop jokes, what else would you need in a speech.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:03 am
@BDD, naaa, that pick was cool like the other side of the pillow.
/sarcasm
June 8th, 2007 at 10:03 am
I gotta take Kevin Smith to start.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Billick lifted that line out of “The Cereal is the Prize”.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Kevin Smith is a fucking great pick.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves for picking me. I’m borderline retarded.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:05 am
any point in history, eh?
Mark Twain woulda fucking brought it.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:07 am
Otto Man – because it’s his birthday!
June 8th, 2007 at 10:07 am
I also agree on the Kevin Smith pick, so I’ll have to go with Steve Carrell with my 1st pick. If I’m gonna lose 20 pounds sweating to death under that gown, then I’d better be entertained.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?!
June 8th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Scarlett Johansson. It would mean she was in the same room as me. Restraining orders be damned.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:09 am
For my second pick, i’m going with M.C. Hammer, man o man can he give a speach about not fuckign up your life.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:10 am
wormfather, you didn’t wait 10 picks.
Now you gotta wait 20.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:16 am
pontius pilate. that dude really knew how to win over a crowd, huh?
June 8th, 2007 at 10:19 am
I’ll take Charles Bukowski. I’m still a little weirded out by the Stuart Scott pick.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:19 am
There are a lot of Minnesota Vikings in this draft today.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Will Rogers
June 8th, 2007 at 10:22 am
This is easy…Borat
June 8th, 2007 at 10:23 am
If fictional characters were allowed I would go with Alec Baldwin’s character from Glengarry Glenross…there’s some damn motivation… If not then I would go with Alec Baldwin…”youre all rude little pigs”.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:23 am
my grandfather. he was an immigrant, that served in WW2, opened his own shoe repair shop, and was his own boss his entire life. not to mention he was a good husband and father and grandfather. like a lot of people, he came over here and worked hard and made a nice life for himself on his own.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Woody Allen
That hilarious little Jew. I’m laughing already.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:24 am
I’ll take Bill Cosby now.
But nice Bill Cosby, not the Whitlock-channeling Angry Cosby.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Oh Goddammit
NO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS
June 8th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I’ll take Eddie Izzard. His rambling digressions fit in well with the inevitable hangover..
June 8th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I’ll take Richard Pryor. Funny as hell and incredible life experiences.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I have to go with a man of trure wit and wisdom…
Harry Carray.
I can only dream of that speech
June 8th, 2007 at 10:25 am
@ beaver
Damnit, I was going to pick your grandfather.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Jesus Christ for my first round pick.
After the graduation ceremony we’d eat loaves and fishes.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Conan O’Brien. Can’t believe he fell this far.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:26 am
gorbachev actually spoke at my graduation. that was cool, but James Brown woulda been so much cooler. Especially since it was UGA and especially if he was trippin’ balls like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCw6r12mKvQ
June 8th, 2007 at 10:26 am
I pick Sienna Miller. You guys get inspired by words, I get inspired by titties. I think we see where the rest of this draft is going for me.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:27 am
Shatner!
June 8th, 2007 at 10:27 am
Dave, NO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS
June 8th, 2007 at 10:27 am
No fictional characters, Dave.
(Struck by lightning)
June 8th, 2007 at 10:27 am
I’m not sure if the rules stated if the person had to be dead or alive, but I would have LOVED to have WC Fields. Pure.comedic.genius.
“A woman drove me to drink, and I’ll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.”
June 8th, 2007 at 10:28 am
David Sedaris
June 8th, 2007 at 10:29 am
I think BDD may choke a bitch today.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:29 am
The Notorious B.I.G. It would be the flow of the century.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Stephen Colbert. He’s not happy about falling this far.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:30 am
JFK
Any Kennedy will do because there’s something about that fucking New England accent that gets me riled up.
Err uh err uh…
June 8th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Michael Vick
June 8th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Rodney Dangerfield
June 8th, 2007 at 10:30 am
sarah silverman. she’d be funny and then we could do each other.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Kornheiser and Wilbon. I think its ok that they come as a package deal. I’d also have Marv Albert doing play by play for the ceremony. Man can make anything exciting.
YES!!
June 8th, 2007 at 10:31 am
Damn, missed out on Mark Twain. I’ll have to go with his facial hair twin, Kurt Vonnegut.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:31 am
Redd Foxx
June 8th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Erin Andrews. I am cleaning up today.
Happy birthday Otto.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:32 am
@burnsy, my other grandfather is still on the board.
@dave, don’t forget about all that water turned into wine.
second pick, enrico fermi. father of the nuclear reactor.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Howard Stern. I’ll to listen to funny shit AND have Scores titties to stare at.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Richard Branson…that cat is amazing. rags to riches and balls bigger than anyone..
June 8th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Clinton Portis and his many personalities
June 8th, 2007 at 10:33 am
The blogfather: Joe Namath
June 8th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Abraham Lincoln. The Gettysburg Address was only about 15 minutes long; and by all accounts he was a fantastic speaker whenever he got on stage. I’d prefer to listen to somebody who has something to say.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Good call on Sedaris mamacita.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Great pick, Devang. Brain and dick working together. Unfortunately I left my brain at home today.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:34 am
Lewis Black….angry jews make me giggle
June 8th, 2007 at 10:35 am
i pick beaverfever’s other grandfather.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Some might say Charles Barkley, but fuck that, I’m going with Charles Oakley. When asked why people in the NBA feared Oakley so much, a former NBA player once said, and I quote, “Because Oak doesn’t give a fuck.” The man smacked Charles Barkley in the face during the lockout meetings for fuck’s sake, and now serves as Michael Jordan’s personal bouncer, which means he does nothing but kick ass and get laid for a living. You think he wouldn’t have some great life experience and advice?
June 8th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Winston S. Churchill
June 8th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Darryl Strawberry… hands down. I feel like his commencement speech would be eerily similar to Tyronne Biggums anti-drug speech
June 8th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Charles Barkley
June 8th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Lou Gehrig – with the sole hope of him discussing his thought process on how he decided which symptoms should be included in the disease he invented and named after himself.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Will Leitch
Ahahahahahah just kidding.
Peter Gammons, but I just want to hear him talk baseball rumors and preface everything he says with “Look”
June 8th, 2007 at 10:37 am
@brother joshua, i’m guessing you picked my other grandfather just so burnsy couldn’t.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:37 am
I’ve actually seen Jon Stewart, and he slays.
Thanks for the birthday love. I plan on being drunk and pantsless by five.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:37 am
I’ll take Charles Barkley, and a bottle of Ketel One with a bucket of ice.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:37 am
it was a preemptive strike, yes. he was the best left on the board at the time, so i took him even though i don’t need a grandfather.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
I’ll take the dulcet tones of Vin Scully
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Since he’s a pro wrestler, is Hulk Hogan a fictional character?
If not, I pick him.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
damn…nice one david…i hoped he’d fall farther.
George Clooney…seriously, we’d get soapboxing and dry wit in one ridiculously charming package. yep, that’s a man crush.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
great call on churchill.
next pick, don rickels. saw his show in vegas about 10 years ago. the man is a comic legend.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
The Governator – If that doesn’t pump you up I don’t know wtf is wrong with you. If all of his political rhetoric bullshit bores you, you can ask him to pull out “You know you want to put a kinfe in me, Bennet.”
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
I’m leaning towards George Washington, but my gut is telling me to take Adriana Lima while she’s still on the board.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
OK, that went too fast.
Gimme Lawrence Taylor and 2 8-balls, one before the speech and another as an inducement to actually speak.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:38 am
I’ll pick Rob I just so he can explain the comedy pyramid.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Bruce Campbell.
“Groovy”, nuff said.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Bob Marley
My hero. And I would hope to blaze one w/ him afterwards. Or during, whatever.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Bono
June 8th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Meshugina Hockey Pucks! Don Rickles.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Hmmmmmmmm…..
What about John Belushi (he’s the dead fatter one, right?).
June 8th, 2007 at 10:40 am
a roundtable discussion with the writers of kissing suzy kolbert?
*ducks*
June 8th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Well it’s time to pick again and I’m taking Dave Attel…dude’s just funny.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:40 am
A preemptive draft strategy can sometimes blow up in your face. I may draft your grandfather so you’re forced to trade me Beaver’s other grandfather. Then again, I may just stop arguing about grandparents and go back to the war room for my next big-titties pontificator.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Christopher Walken. I could listen to him talk all day.
http://ravinwalken.ytmnd.com/
June 8th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Stephen Hawking
June 8th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Rick Reilly
June 8th, 2007 at 10:40 am
“Thanks for the birthday love. I plan on being drunk and pantsless by five.”
otto, don’t set your sights so low. i saw you get drink by 2pm. have a good one.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:41 am
I would go with Bill Brasky but we can’t take any fictional characters. How about Teddy Roosevelt?
June 8th, 2007 at 10:41 am
@burnsy: my grandfather would have cool stories. he was in ww2 in the pacific navy, had his ship torpedoed, and worked as an fbi agent in d.c.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:41 am
@BeaverFever
Dammit.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Gary Sheffield. Because why the fuck not?
June 8th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Hmmmm, Bono. Good pick. An entertainer with a strong grasp of social conscience.
I pick Carrie Underwood.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Great pick, wormfather!
My next pick: John Madden
June 8th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Chuck Palahniuk
My other hero.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Dave Chappelle…that concludes my draft…how did he fall this far?!
ill trade the rest of my picks for a bottle of jameson
June 8th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Can’t believe I missed this one:
David Halberstam.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Damn, I though Walken was the sleeper
June 8th, 2007 at 10:44 am
George Carlin.
As far as birthday drinking goes, I’ve got a night scheduled to take me through about 4am. I’ve got to pace myself.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:44 am
“He did 3 tours in ‘Nam…… I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it’s Ho Tran Brasky”
Bill Parcell’s FUPA. The stories it could tell.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:44 am
James Earl Jones. Best speaking voice ever.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Shits going fast.
I saw 300 last night and it was bad ass. You probably think I would take Leonidas but I’m going with the bad guy:
Xerxes.
That guy was awesome, and he knew how to party
June 8th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Mike Tyson. I just hope that he threatens to eat some children.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Frank Caliendo.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:46 am
I’ll take Jimmy Paige From Led zeppelin because of two reasons: 1) Big daddy drew stole my rock band a few drafts ago based on a stupid fish incident stealing my will to live 2) because i’d get a kick ass solo instead of some boring speech.
Rock on. I win. Good fucking Night.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:47 am
caliendo is a good choice because you get about 30 different speakers in one pick.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I’d like to pick an athlete who has accomplished a lot in his career and who has overcome adversity to achieve the greatest success.
Maria Sharapova.
Bing. Bang. Boom.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:47 am
God this draft is going fast. Great pick miamidiesel, I was going to take Sheff.
I’ll take Rachel Nichols just so my friends and I can place side bets on how long it takes her to blink.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:47 am
With my third pick, I have to take the man that spoke at my college graduation ceremony – Jack Valenti. It was a fantastic speech, but I wish he added more movie stuff in there, so with this new commencement speech, I will force him to talk movies.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:48 am
my next pick is jim kaat. best baseball commentator ever. the guy knows how to tell a story and just seems like a nice guy.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Ghandi?
June 8th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Don DeLillo. Largely because authors tend to give better speeches/interviews than just about anyone, and nobody writes a flawless, lyrical sentence like DeLillo.
(Philip Roth was a close second, but half the crowd would either be jerking off or committing suicide by the midway point.)
June 8th, 2007 at 10:49 am
I’m changing strategy mid-draft…Ted Bundy.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Dr Suess – Oh the places we’ll go.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Terrible Ted Nugent
June 8th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Chris Rock
Because every commencement speech needs a few N-bombs.
And the Black Mall bit.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:50 am
John Wayne
June 8th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Hugh Hefner. The speech would be titled, “How to fuck girls 50 years younger than you”
June 8th, 2007 at 10:51 am
My actual graduation speaker… Gov. George W. Bush. True story.
Ugh.
so if I could *redo* that option… I’d pick Henry Rollins. He’s a badass.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Bill Murray.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Martin Luther King Jr.
The man really knew how to deliver a speech.
Can’t believe he fell this far.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:52 am
I’m going historical with this pick.
Marilyn Monroe.
She probably had herpes, but back then they just called it a case of the itchies and put a little extra soap on it. No harm, no foul.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Ali. In his prime. Not the Katherine Hepburn days.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Ted Nugent
June 8th, 2007 at 10:53 am
dammit bdd, i was going with Bill for my next pick. One of the funniest guys of all time. Serves me right for showing up late.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:53 am
I pick Suzyn Waldman. My graduation would be “the most dramatic thing i’ve eva seen…”
June 8th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Mitch Hedberg
June 8th, 2007 at 10:54 am
I was just going to take MLK, Jr.
I’ll go with someone closely related — Ricky Gervais.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Bill Hicks. “If anyone here is planning to go into marketing or advertising, kill yourselves.”
(As someone who works in marketing and advertising.)
June 8th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Ted Nugent already went Coach.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Rickey Henderson
June 8th, 2007 at 10:55 am
@burnsy
I knew I’d make a fool of myself the first time I tried to do this.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Kudos on the Bill Hicks pick. If my head would have been out of my ass, I would have snatched him early.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Jerry Falwell so I could get close enough to punch him in the balls. Oh…he’s dead? recently? hmmm…well good…fuck that guy.
I guess I’ll take Hillary Clinton so I can punch her in the balls.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Pope John Paul II, blame the catholic in me on this pick.
@jackin’4beats, speaking of civil rights leaders my graduation speaker was james farmer. guy gave a great speech and had a good sense of humor. for example, he commented on the rope around his neck he wore with his cap and gown to receive an honorary degree and said, “if i had this rope around my neck in the south back in the 50’s i might be a little nervous.”
June 8th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Ozzie Guillen. No telling who he would decide to rant about or offend that day, but it would be fucking hilarious… plus he outed Jay Mariotti, which makes him worthy of everyone’s respect
June 8th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Mario Danelo
I can’t believe he fell this far.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:56 am
With my next pick, since Liquid_d took Campbell, I’ll take the next best thing: Sam Raimi.
With Raimi and Cambell they made each other.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:56 am
I pick Chuck Norris.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Bill Clinton
June 8th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Marissa Miller
June 8th, 2007 at 10:57 am
The Virgin Mary – I’d love to hear some of the stories she could tell.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:57 am
@rob i – i hate myself a little for laughing at that Danelo pick. Lucky for you my ticket to hell was punched a long time ago, or you’d be in some deepshit right now
June 8th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Barack Obama. I may not agree with every thing he says, but the man is a pretty good speaker.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Just take a deep breath and get right back at it, Coach.
Speaking of deep, I take Jenna Jameson pre-freakshow plastic surgery porking Tito Ortiz. You know, Flashpoint and Conquest Jenna.
I am not going to be able to walk for days after this graduation.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:58 am
ty cobb. Hopefully I didn’t screw this pick up too badly.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Dave Chappelle, much better than James Dobson who was a pompous bore for almost 2 hours.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Bowie, it’s fuckin bowie man.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Mick Jagger. He must have some tales to tell.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Chappelle’s long gone.
June 8th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Chappelles already gone john & Abby
June 8th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Malcolm X. Have always been fascinated by him for some reason. Would love to see him piss off an entire college.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Did anyone mention Chappelle is gonezo?
June 8th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Ol Dirty Bastard…who can resist a commencement speech full of talk about licking assholes
June 8th, 2007 at 11:00 am
I’ll take Seth MacFarlane. He actually gave the speech at harvard i think it was. Absolutely Hilarious. Youtube it if you want to check it out
June 8th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Ill take future Senator of Minnesota, Al Franken. One of the only times I laughed, uncontrollably, while reading a book.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:00 am
yeah devang that Barack Obama sure is articulate…
June 8th, 2007 at 11:01 am
@ shoopmonster
In all seriousness, that was one of my favorite movies ever. He was a fascinating man. If I weren’t allergic to books I would read his autobiography.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Pedro Alonso López, the most prolific serial killer in history. 300+ kills. That’s a man, a dream, hard work and dedication.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Mark Antony
June 8th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Hunter S. Thompson. And I’d take him out the night before and get him all fucked on booze and mescaline.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:02 am
The Sex Cannon.
I’m surprised nobody’s taken him yet.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:02 am
I had to read it for a history class, but kept it after I passed the class and plan on trying to read it every few years. Very good read.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:03 am
@Coach-kinda funny you picked ty cobb with a lot of other picks being civil rights leaders. Cobb was most likely the largest racist in all on MLB history.
Now for my next pick, I select Matt Ufford because he’s so dreamy.
Oh and sidenote, Mark Twain and Dr.Suess are iffy as picks because they are Pen names, it is debatable whether they should count as fiction characters.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Suzy Kolber? She’s the reason we’re all here, right?
June 8th, 2007 at 11:04 am
If I can’t have Twain, I’m going with another sarcastic bastard — H. L. Mencken.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:04 am
With my final pick, I take Lindsay Lohan circa-Mean Girls. We can still turn it around, Lindsay. Just take my hand.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:04 am
The Reverend Al Green.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:05 am
@Coach good call leads into my ringer of the draft
Joe Namath (only if he’s thrown back about 5 Tom collins beforehand)
June 8th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Isaiah Berlin
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaiah_Berlin
June 8th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Can’t believe Chapelle didn’t go sooner. Rollins also an excellent pick. Damn.
My pick: Oscar Wilde
You know that mofo had some stories.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I really wanted HST and Bill Murray. Those were in my top 3. Damn you Gay Mafia, taking my picks.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:05 am
This is for wormfather. I take Aaron McGruder since I love the Boondocks and I’m sure he’d make 1/2 of us laugh and the other 1/2 plus faculty very uncomfortable.
Great story beaverfever.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:05 am
@big o,
Yeah, but I figured I could sprinkle an idiot or two in there. I picked Abe Lincoln with my first pick.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Fangirls-
Sex Cannon + College Coeds = Disaster.
I think FEMA has a contigency plan for this.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Mac Dre.
“I’m sharp like Shannon, rich like Gannon…”
June 8th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Falco
June 8th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Morgan Freeman. I would have no problem listening to that man talk about anything.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:07 am
@ Dick_gozinya, HST gone. I got an idea, how about ctrl + f people.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:07 am
5th pick,hockey legend Don Cherry.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Has anyone taken Wilt Chamberlain yet?
June 8th, 2007 at 11:07 am
David Foster Wallace
June 8th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Damn pseudonyms. Instead I pick theodor Seuss Geisel.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:08 am
No one’s taken FDR? Yoink!
June 8th, 2007 at 11:09 am
James Joyce. Partially for insight, partially for the spectacle of someone speaking for an hour without any punctuation whatsoever.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:10 am
I am stunned that dude fell this far (considering he’s far and away one of the top 5 coolest muh fuckas to ever walk this planet).
The man who put the LBC on the map:
Snoop D-O Dizzle
June 8th, 2007 at 11:10 am
I’m gonna take Danny Ainge and hopefully he will explain why he insists on ruining my life
June 8th, 2007 at 11:10 am
For my last pick i take George S. Patton. I simply cannot believe no one took him this far in. Perfect sleeper pick.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Aishwarya Rai so I could cause an international incident when I kick her husband’s ass so she could be mine.
HA!
June 8th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Being an alum of the Houston Cougars, I may have to give up my football and basketball tickets and may never again be allowed on campus, but I would love to listen to a speech by Jim Valvano
June 8th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Larry Fitzgerald.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Cuckoo’s Nest
Departed
Easy Rider
Batman
Jack Nicholson, coolest motherfucker alive.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:15 am
I pick Will Arnett provided he did the whole thing in the GOB voice
June 8th, 2007 at 11:15 am
I’ll piss off the southern block and go Lewis Grizzard, although I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have been crazy about speaking at UF.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Charles Manson.
Say what you will, but the man would be damn entertaining.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Rex Grossman
The sex cannon can talk about goin’ deep.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:16 am
And for my next steal, I’m ‘onna roll with Warren Beatty.
Talk about pullin’ some wool – dude is like a fuckin’ Irish sheepherder with the stockpile he’s put together.
You just KNOW he’d be able to break it down for the speech too and let all the fools know who runs the show.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Grossmans gone
June 8th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Sex Cannon is taken.
Avery Johnson, just for his voice.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:17 am
RFK
June 8th, 2007 at 11:17 am
@peter mcsheisty
Great pick. Steal of the draft.
My next pick: Howard Hughes, before he lost his mind.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:19 am
@BDD – I picked Stu since he actually made me laugh during graduation. Considering how excruciatingly painful all of the other graduation speeches I’ve ever heard have been (multiple high school and college) I needed to give him some love.
Plus, I was too far away from him to get weirded out by his lazy eye.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:20 am
i pick audie murphy, America’s most decorated combat hero and Medal of Honor winner.
paris hilton is still on the board.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:21 am
J Edgar Hoover, dressed as a woman
June 8th, 2007 at 11:22 am
@john: Stu is still way too high at nuber 2… especially when Renaldo Balkman is still available
June 8th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Salman Rushdie. Excellent writer; sleeps with a cavalcade of models and grad students; has a good sense of humor about himself and the world; was forced into exile and, as a result, can speak with more gravitas about the fucked-upedness of militant Islam/religious fundamentalism than many, many other western figures.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Oscar Zeta Acosta-
This is the “300 pound Samoan” from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. This guy was an attorney and political activist but was probably the craziest motherfucker you would ever meet. I bet he had the best stories. Plus, its the next best thing to HST.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Samuel L. Jackson
That’s right muthaf*cka!
June 8th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Fine, I’ll take Dane Cook….
June 8th, 2007 at 11:29 am
“Mark Twain and Dr.Suess are iffy as picks because they are Pen names, it is debatable whether they should count as fiction characters.”
Samuel Langhorne Clemens then ffs.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:29 am
Don’t forget about Peter King. He’d give us alot of advice about crap
June 8th, 2007 at 11:29 am
@Grimey – good point, although I didn’t really notice how high I was picking until after I posted it. I didn’t expect to be making the second pick that late in the morning.
Oh, and my real pick would have to be Bobcat Goldthwait, just because no one would have a fucking clue what he was saying.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Steven Wright
June 8th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Patton Oswalt.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Penn & Teller
Because someone needs to tell us that life, after all, is basically bullshit.
And do funny magic tricks.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Has no one taken Shannon Sharpe? How could you pass up on the only man to butcher the English language worse than the president?
June 8th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Bill Burr cause dude would light up the honkeys in the crowd which is even better considering he’d be the whitest dude in the room.
Funny as hell, though!
Nice lil draft working for the Silk:
Snoop Dogg
Warren Beatty
Bill Burr
June 8th, 2007 at 11:36 am
@ peter mcsheisty – I CTRL-F’d hunter and thomnpson and nothing came up. I figured you lazy cocksuckers would at least spell out names and not use abbreviations. Anyway….
I noticed that Patton is taken (nice pick) and Charles Barkley is also a great pick.
I’m solely thinking about Bill Gates right now. Richest man in the world…there’s motivation enough. And maybe he would donate some of those wicked tabletop computers they’re coming out with.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Ron Jeremy. You think this guy has some stories?
June 8th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Im done. Recap.
1. The Greatest
2. Clinton
3. Al Franken
4. Jack Nicholson
5. “Dr. Gonzo”-Oscar Zeta Acosta
Not bad for losing two of my top three.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:38 am
I CTRL-F’d hunter and thomnpson and nothing came up. I figured you lazy cocksuckers would at least spell out names and not use abbreviations
All this time, I was wondering why everyone wanted Harry S Truman.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:38 am
David Cross. And with that, I’ll bow out with:
Don DeLillo
Bill Hicks
James Joyce
Salman Rushdie
David Cross
June 8th, 2007 at 11:40 am
Sacha Baren Cohen
Someone took Borat but that doesnt count so Im taking him. He can do all three characters and that ends it. Peter McSheisty Wins! Jealous?
June 8th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Dolly Parton – I don’t even like country music, but she’s a legend plus she’s got those big boobs, for those who are into that sort of thing. Then she’d close by singing “I Will Always Love You,” not a dry eye in the house.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:42 am
my last pick of the day: Pacman Jones
1. Suzyn Waldman
2. Ol Dirty Bastard
3. Joe Namath (3 sheets to the wind)
4. Danny Ainge
5. J Edgar Hoover
6. Pacman Jones
Good talk
June 8th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Benecio del Toro but only if he speaks like his character, Fenster, in The Usual Suspects.
If people think Shannon Sharpe is hard to understand, NOBODY would have a clue what ol BdT would be spittin’
BTW, don’t look now but peter mcsheisty is havin’ a draft, yo!
June 8th, 2007 at 11:44 am
I fucking hate Bill Hicks. Just had to get that off my chest.
I’ll take Tank Johnson cause it’s nice when the honorarium only involves a box of Slim Jims.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:45 am
I know we said no fictional characters, but I can’t resist. I’ll take Ali G. He already did a commencement at Harvard, and it was the shiznit- here’s the transcript
http://www.hbo.com/alig/harvard.html
June 8th, 2007 at 11:45 am
Malcolm X.
“Sleep through this, motherfuckers.”
June 8th, 2007 at 11:46 am
I’ll pair my earlier pick of Henry Rollins with…
Tom Morello.
yeah, Harvard grad. Plays a kick-ass bit of guitar. Has been arrested. Many stories to tell.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:48 am
That’s a nice list, Jordan.
I’m walking away with a powerful group of speakers, heavy on the sarcasm with a dash of politics and a nice dose of crazy too.
Kurt Vonnegut
Jon Stewart
George Carlin
Ricky Gervais
H.L. Mencken
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Charles Manson
Patton Oswalt
June 8th, 2007 at 11:48 am
To wrap it up:
1) Bob Marley
2) Chuck Palahniuk
3) Marisa Miller
4) Mac Dre
5) Larry Fitzgerald
To close:
Ozzy Osbourne
June 8th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Otto Man has a pretty solid list. Best yet (with the exception of mine).
June 8th, 2007 at 11:52 am
don’t know if he has been taken but…Walt Whitman
June 8th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Since were doing recaps, might as well include mine:
1)Jimmy Paige
2)Matt Ufford
3)Sam Raimi
4)George S. Patton
and to close I’ll take Stephen Pinker. (Probably the smartest person in all of current clinical Psychology)
June 8th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Had to leave and Jordan and Otto just stole my two picks. Love DC and Patton.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:53 am
I had mine in high school: Dick Yuengling, owner of Yuengling beer. For realsies. (east coast only)
June 8th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Did I just snag Charles Barkley this late in the draft?
June 8th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Osama Bin Laden…immediatly following his hillarious speach about the downfall of the imerialistic west I’ll shoot him and go claim my $10 million dollar reward.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:57 am
analrapist: No.
And what the hell, I’ll take Philip Roth for the sixth pick. Onanism and self-hatred for all!
June 8th, 2007 at 11:58 am
chuck klosterman.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Otto Man has a pretty solid list. Best yet (with the exception of mine).
Yeah, I’d have to agree you have me there. If only I’d landed Twain.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
I will close with Mel Blanc.
My draft:
1. Richard Pryor
2. Redd Foxx
3. Hulk Hogan
4. John Madden
5. John Wayne
6. Mick Jagger
7. Wilt Chamberlain
8. Howard Hughes
9. Ron Jeremy
10. Mel Blanc
I’m happy with my picks. That’s all that matters.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Sigourny Weaver… I’d be as entranced to her commencement speech as i am when Blown out during an episode of planet earth
June 8th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Gretzky. I’d wear my vintage Oilers jersey to graduation.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
@ Ginsberg: FUCK. When did he go?
Hey Drew, you need to have some kind of KSKtern, similar to Iracane, to continually update who has been picked. If you miss the start of it, these drafts go so quickly it’s hard to plow through 200+ picks without your boss noticing.
My new pick: As an IU alum, James Watson.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
I am jumping in alittle late but:
1. Vince Lombardi
2. Angus Young
3. Tony Stewart
4. Barry Sanders
5. Lee Iacooca
6. Dick Vermeil
June 8th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Over/Under 75
Number of times you’ve minimized the KSK site because you think your boss is walking behind you.
I’m taking the over
June 8th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Cway42 may I direct you to the front page of KSK with a quote by Mr. Drew
Also, if you’re late to the draft, TOUGH FUCKING SHIT. Don’t be one of those assholes who’s like, “Oh, I’m late. I’ll just take five people!” You’re gay if you do that.
Yeah, that means you.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
someone didn’t read the rules
“Also, if you’re late to the draft, TOUGH FUCKING SHIT. Don’t be one of those assholes who’s like, “Oh, I’m late. I’ll just take five people!” You’re gay if you do that.”
June 8th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Sorry, But I took 6!
June 8th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I officially jinx Beaverfever. And according to said rules, if you speak you owe me a coke.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I still can’t get over Stu Scott being right there at the top…
June 8th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Okay, I’ve drafted two musicians… I need some levity. How about:
Trey Parker and Matt Stone (and I don’t give a shit if it counts as two picks).
June 8th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
I still can’t get over Stu Scott being right there at the top…
Yeah, it’s startin’ to mock me too.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
@grungedave
Why not just take Trey Parker. Matt Stone doesnt really do shit anyway.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
mcsheisty, since it’s friday how about we make it beer instead of coke ? up to you.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
mcsheisty, since it’s friday how about we make it beer instead of coke ? up to you.
Done and done.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Second pick- Jesse Jackson.
Same reason. Shit, nothing they say matters at graduation, might as well be entertained.
I gotta draft a white guy later.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Richard Burton – those old school guys partied hard and lived to tell the story.
oh – and I saw Will Ferrell give the Class Day speech at Harvard in 2003 (no, I’m not a graduate) – he was fucking hilarious
You need Real Player, but it’s worth it.
http://video2.harvard.edu:8080/ramgen/pluto/ClassDay2003.rm
June 8th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I’m wrapping up with Vince Vaughn, just to reiterate that he would be the perfect choice to replace Bob Barker on The Price is Right.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
For my fifth pick, I am taking Colonel William Travis from the Alamo (with an assist from Davy Crockett).
My roundup:
(1) Kevin Smith
(2) Lou Gehrig
(3) Jack Valenti
(4) Jim Valvano
(5) Colonel William Travis
That’s an eclectic group.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
I’ll take Mike Myers/Fat Bastard.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I would have liked for Otto Man to have been my graduation speaker. Instead I got the founder of fedex, boring.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Niccolò Machiavelli – I don’t think he’s taken yet
June 8th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Bob Odenkirk to round out the Mr. Show duo. And this guy wrote most if not all the jokes for that show.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
“I’ll take Mike Myers/Fat Bastard”
i think cway42 is testing BDD’s patience.
“UPDATE IN BOLD: NO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.”
June 8th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
No one? Okay:
Bill Simmons.
Cuz then he could talk about the time that they chanted “Donna Martin Graduates” on 90210, and then the other time where his buddy hench beat him at NHL ‘93, and then wrap it up with a Jimmy Kimmell name-drop.
Or did I just read his running diary? Not sure…
June 8th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
I wouldn’t listen to the damn thing anyway, so I’m gonna go with Amy Miller. She doesn’t have to give a speech, just read out of the phone book for all I care.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Sorry I should have been more specific. Mike Myers dressed as Fat Bastard and wearing the costume worn during filming. I think it falls in line with Ali-g & Borat but……..
June 8th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Julius Caesar. Thanks for stopping by everyone.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
ed gein. oh man, that would be umm interesting.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
I am trying to play by the rules so aptly enforced: How about Lee harvey Oswalt? There would be a story!
June 8th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
My buddy had Dikembe Mutombo speak at his. The accent and unintential humor makes him my #1.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
I would have liked for Otto Man to have been my graduation speaker. Instead I got the founder of fedex, boring.
All you had to do was ask. I’m available for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and Jiffy Lube openings.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Queen Elizabeth I – queen for 45 years, back when being the queen actually meant something more than waving at crowds
June 8th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
@Honey Nut…if Simmons gave my comencment speach, I would put the college I went to on my resume.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
I’ll take Josh Homme now, because Era Vulgaris is fucking mind-blowing.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Lenny Bruce – pre government witchhunt. He was still doing brilliantly funny stuff before he bacame all entangled in legal matters and depressed. That would be awesome…especially because he’d probably be smoking or drinking while he was giving the speech.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Don’t put it past the fine PR folk at the WWL to finagle a commencement speech at Holy Cross for B-Simm, just so that he can write a “blog” about the experience. They’ll likely tie it in with a Sox game at Fenway, where he’ll sit atop the Monster with his dad and Gammons as they wax poetic about days gone by… and The Bachelor. Then there would be a hilarious andecdote about a trip to Store 24 and a stop at Dunkin Donuts to grab some coffee, cuz, you know, they don’t have them in L.A.
I gotta stop.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Ricky Henderson is an inspired pick. with him gone i have to go with Mike Tyson.
I would love to hear iron mike ask to fornicate with all the beutifull coeds.
http://www.break.com/index/compilation_of_funniest_tyson_quotes.html
June 8th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
3s and 7s is the tits, among others. The new White Stripes is solid too; Jack White sounds like he hoovered a trash bag of coke before every song, which is charming in its own right.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Robert De Niro. You guys are slippin’. No way he should be going this low.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
I’m only picking one today.
Floyd Mayweather, Sr.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Speaking of slipping…
Larry David.
His wallet might be $100M lighter, but he still kills.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
BDD, have you seen the video for sick,sick,sick. the video lives up to the songs title and the song kicks ass especially the last minute of it.
my last pick, CU coach dan hawkins, “go play intramurals, brother”. i hope like hell everyone knows what i’m talking about, if not check out the link.
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=3120
June 8th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Rickey would love to speak at graduation. Rickey ain’t doing shit at the moment.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Who’s the world’s fastest talker? I’ll take him/her. I gotta get out of these stupid robes and hat. I’m schvitzing here and the beer’s not getting any colder.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Tim Couch
June 8th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
My wrap-up:
Charles Barkley
Teddy Roosevelt
Mike Tyson
Ted Nugent
Rickey Henderson
Malcolm X
Morgan Freeman
June 8th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
John Malkovich. How did he slip this far?
June 8th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
David Lee Fucking Roth!
June 8th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I just told some chick that I hope she breaks a fingernail in her cunt. In the spirit of my greatness, I’ll be taking myself with my next pick.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Chris Farley – in a little coat, of course.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
damn wormfather, thats one way to start the weekend. she must have really pissed you off.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
David Letterman. Ya’llz slippin.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Dude, my graduation speaker was Cookie Monster (no joke, he told us we should be healthy). Does the fact that it really happened overcome the no fictional characters rule???
In all seriousness, I’d probably take Earl Warren (yeah another lawyer, but it would be for my law school graduation, so its okay). It took some skillz to get a 9-0 vote on Brown v. Board of Education, as crazy as that seems today. If he can convince a bunch of white guys that blacks should, you know, be equal, he can impart some wisdom on me.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
cookie monster ? i need to know where you went to college.
the year before i graduated, bob hope spoke at my school. he was old as hell yet funny as ever.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
oh, looks like tyson was taken too.
allright fine, Cotton Fucking Mather. no doubt he’d find college these day to be full of sinners in the hands of an angry god and would have some choice words for such dens of inequity.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
shit – that was jonathanb edwards. this sucks i quit.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Iggy Pop.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
i’m sick of this draft and having to see ‘ace’ billick’s photo as the first thing on ksk everytime i log on to it. where is our weekly cheerleader post already? hurry it up, or i’ll leave a gay little “first!” comment on every post next week.
*sigh* who am i kidding, the gay mafia doesn’t respond to idle threats. since my picks so far have been charles oakley, gary sheffield, and ozzie guillen, i’ll switch it up a bit and go with peyton manning (who actually did speak at u-penn back in march). after all, who doesn’t want a big pasty white dude trying to sell them stuff during commencement?
June 8th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Wormfather- my mom SAID she was sorry for offending you…
With my third pick I choose Soren Kierkegaard. Why? The more classmates who kill themselves, the closer I get to valedictorian.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
I went to UCLA
:-)
It was awesome…
June 8th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
yeah, i would imagine ucla had better scenery than any part of new england.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
@Beaver
I didnt want to say anything but it was my fiance, hell yeah she pissed me off.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
ludicrous speed: My girlfriend actually works for Davis, Polk and Wardwell, which is the firm that defended the Board of Education in that case. She finds it equal parts hilarious and mortifying, which is about right in my estimation. Ah, the good old days.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
lets hope the wedding is still on wormfather.
remember, “for better or worse” when you get married.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Kanye sez- “we want prenup, we want prenup!”
June 8th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Muhammad Ali, current day*, so I’ll only have the 2d worst shakes at the ceremony — though mine will admittedly be due to alcohol
(McSheisty took him in his prime)
June 8th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
one last graduation story, actually had a kid that was sitting 2 rows behind me puke all over himself during the commencement speech. his parents must have been very proud day day. hope he had an extra gown somewhere.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
For my final pick of the day, I’ll take KRS-One because as you may know, he is a philosopher.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Recap:
Steve Carell
Rachel Nichols
MLK Jr.
Aaron McGruder
Aishwarya Rai
Samuel L. Jackson
Bob Odenkirk
Robert De Niro
KRS-One
This list is HHHHHOTT…
June 8th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Carl Monday
I can’t believe he fell this far. Steal of the draft.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
by the way i hve decided to grade this one because i didnt get here in time to pick. not going to do the whole ive thing im sick of breaking the rules.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Brother Theodore.
I doubt anyone will get that, but nevertheless, I win.
Kudos to those who took Clinton and Obama and Hicks. Double kudos that Eddie Izzard went so early.
For those who took Twain/Clemens it may amuse some of you to know that he did graduation speeches a few times at West Point. Since Clemens ducked out on the Civil War, I for one, found this amusing.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Damnit, I’m late. Dan Castelleneta.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Looks like all the Als are taken, Al Green, that crazy libral Al, hell even Alec Baldwin…
Wait a second!
Al Pachino!
June 8th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
i remember brother theodore from the letterman show in the 80’s. showing my age. the guy was a freak.
i stayed away from politicians for a reason today, but fuck it. since hillary and both clintons were mentioned i’ll add some balance and take ronald reagan, the great communicator.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
@worm, remeber this is pacino not scarface (i know thats not his name) or michael.
oh and if anyone took paige mariotti or bayless and not to kill them then let rob i begin the killings.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
@Larry,
Oh I know what I’m getting, I’m getting a coked out, incoherent, screaming rambling hour of laughter.
June 8th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
You guys took the wrong Clinton. A speech by George Clinton may not be real coherent, but it would be fun.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Seth Rogan. Bonus if he brings Paul Rudd and they improve another “You know how I know you’re gay” routine.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Heh-improv, drop the E.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Method Man and Redman, if such a choice is deemed legal.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Is Keith Richards taken yet? If not, I get him.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Robert McNamara.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Wow! Jerry Garcia is still available?????? In that case I’ll take Albert Einstein.
1. Charles Bukowski
2. Albert Einstein
June 8th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
I’m going to assume that we’re into free agency at this point and grab the two other names I want: Malcolm Gladwell and Douglas Adams.
June 8th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
My two first choices, Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor, are predictably gone. So, to put my education to work, I’m going to take Oscar Wilde, August Wilson, Raymond Chandler, Socrates, Sojurner Truth, Harriet Tubman and Coach Eddie Robinson. And, just too prove I’m not that highbrow, I’ll take Chuck Bednarik (Eagles HOF MLB, ended Gifford’s career, old and irascible), Casanova, Sir Francis Dashwood (founder of the original Hellfire Club) and Xaviera Hollander (the Happy Hooker).
Who did I get for my actual graduation? Newt Fucking Gingrich.
June 8th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Shit, I forgot Stan “The Man” Lee. But he has to do the whole speech in the voice of either the Silver Surfer or Thor.
June 8th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
spike lee
June 8th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Tim McCarver
“Today, you graduate from high school. See, when you graduate from high school, you become a high school graduate. When you become a high school graduate, you no longer have to attend high school. Therefore, you have graduated from high school.”
June 8th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Selection #4 is one Mr. H. Ross Perot. He fulfills all the characteristics of people I want to be like. Rich, Funny, Crazy, and (especially) Ornery. I’ll take him from around 1991 when he at his most ornery.
June 9th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Pre-sobriety George W. Bush
June 10th, 2007 at 12:28 am
I just got here but if anyone said Eric Snow, I’ll PayPal them 20 bucks…
June 10th, 2007 at 1:53 am
Vernon Winfrey
June 10th, 2007 at 9:00 am
Keith Hernandez
June 10th, 2007 at 11:17 am
rudy giulianni
June 11th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Jerry Zucker spoke at my graduation, and he knocked it out of the park. And I was exceptionally unhappy to be there, but 4 years later, I am still taking his advice and not buying any furniture.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Fifth selection… Tex Avery. Most brilliant cartoonist ever. He created all the best cartoons of the golden years of animation. And…his name is Tex.
June 12th, 2007 at 3:38 am
Extremely late but I take Ian Poulter the golfer. He knows how to tell a story and has some awesome tales. Find his appearance on soccer am and you will know what I mean.
June 12th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Michael Richards…if I attended Howard.
June 16th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Elijah Dukes.
No justification is needed.