Brian Billick was a graduation speaker at Johns Hopkins recently. There he imparted some might fine words of wisdom on the graduatiing class.
“In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed,” Billick said from the lectern at Hopkins’ lacrosse field. “Be that pig.”
Yes, The Bri is a master of metaphors. In the breakfast of life, you should be the fatty, salty mud-dweller who gets brutally slaughtered for the enjoyment of others. Ray Lewis can assist you if you’re having problems butchering yourself.
Commencement ceremonies are godawful. Mine, like all of them, took place on a 95 degree day and lasted eight hours while I nursed an absolutely brutal hangover. During senior week I got so drunk one night I passed out in the middle of a street in Portland, Maine. When I asked my friend the next morning how I got back to campus, all he said was, “I’m gonna fucking kill you.” He’s not really my friend anymore.
Our graduation speaker was Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. BORING. I don’t remember a goddamn word he said. Just another fucking lawyer. But I know who I wish we’d gotten.
Fucking Harvard gets all the best speakers. Snobby little bitches.
Will Ferrell is my number one pick for this draft. The rules: Pick one speaker only, then wait ten choices until you make another. This can be a speaker from any point in history, and I offer you bonus points for sincerity. Also, if you’re late to the draft, TOUGH FUCKING SHIT. Don’t be one of those assholes who’s like, “Oh, I’m late. I’ll just take five people!” You’re gay if you do that.
UPDATE IN BOLD: NO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
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Elijah Dukes.
No justification is needed.
Michael Richards…if I attended Howard.
Extremely late but I take Ian Poulter the golfer. He knows how to tell a story and has some awesome tales. Find his appearance on soccer am and you will know what I mean.
Fifth selection… Tex Avery. Most brilliant cartoonist ever. He created all the best cartoons of the golden years of animation. And…his name is Tex.
Jerry Zucker spoke at my graduation, and he knocked it out of the park. And I was exceptionally unhappy to be there, but 4 years later, I am still taking his advice and not buying any furniture.
rudy giulianni
Keith Hernandez
Vernon Winfrey
I just got here but if anyone said Eric Snow, I’ll PayPal them 20 bucks…
Pre-sobriety George W. Bush
Selection #4 is one Mr. H. Ross Perot. He fulfills all the characteristics of people I want to be like. Rich, Funny, Crazy, and (especially) Ornery. I’ll take him from around 1991 when he at his most ornery.
Tim McCarver
“Today, you graduate from high school. See, when you graduate from high school, you become a high school graduate. When you become a high school graduate, you no longer have to attend high school. Therefore, you have graduated from high school.”
spike lee
Shit, I forgot Stan “The Man” Lee. But he has to do the whole speech in the voice of either the Silver Surfer or Thor.
My two first choices, Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor, are predictably gone. So, to put my education to work, I’m going to take Oscar Wilde, August Wilson, Raymond Chandler, Socrates, Sojurner Truth, Harriet Tubman and Coach Eddie Robinson. And, just too prove I’m not that highbrow, I’ll take Chuck Bednarik (Eagles HOF MLB, ended Gifford’s career, old and irascible), Casanova, Sir Francis Dashwood (founder of the original Hellfire Club) and Xaviera Hollander (the Happy Hooker).
Who did I get for my actual graduation? Newt Fucking Gingrich.
I’m going to assume that we’re into free agency at this point and grab the two other names I want: Malcolm Gladwell and Douglas Adams.
Wow! Jerry Garcia is still available?????? In that case I’ll take Albert Einstein.
1. Charles Bukowski
2. Albert Einstein
Robert McNamara.
Is Keith Richards taken yet? If not, I get him.
Method Man and Redman, if such a choice is deemed legal.
Heh-improv, drop the E.
Seth Rogan. Bonus if he brings Paul Rudd and they improve another “You know how I know you’re gay” routine.
You guys took the wrong Clinton. A speech by George Clinton may not be real coherent, but it would be fun.
@Larry,
Oh I know what I’m getting, I’m getting a coked out, incoherent, screaming rambling hour of laughter.
@worm, remeber this is pacino not scarface (i know thats not his name) or michael.
oh and if anyone took paige mariotti or bayless and not to kill them then let rob i begin the killings.
i remember brother theodore from the letterman show in the 80′s. showing my age. the guy was a freak.
i stayed away from politicians for a reason today, but fuck it. since hillary and both clintons were mentioned i’ll add some balance and take ronald reagan, the great communicator.
Looks like all the Als are taken, Al Green, that crazy libral Al, hell even Alec Baldwin…
Wait a second!
Al Pachino!
Damnit, I’m late. Dan Castelleneta.
Brother Theodore.
I doubt anyone will get that, but nevertheless, I win.
Kudos to those who took Clinton and Obama and Hicks. Double kudos that Eddie Izzard went so early.
For those who took Twain/Clemens it may amuse some of you to know that he did graduation speeches a few times at West Point. Since Clemens ducked out on the Civil War, I for one, found this amusing.
by the way i hve decided to grade this one because i didnt get here in time to pick. not going to do the whole ive thing im sick of breaking the rules.
Carl Monday
I can’t believe he fell this far. Steal of the draft.
Recap:
Steve Carell
Rachel Nichols
MLK Jr.
Aaron McGruder
Aishwarya Rai
Samuel L. Jackson
Bob Odenkirk
Robert De Niro
KRS-One
This list is HHHHHOTT…
For my final pick of the day, I’ll take KRS-One because as you may know, he is a philosopher.
one last graduation story, actually had a kid that was sitting 2 rows behind me puke all over himself during the commencement speech. his parents must have been very proud day day. hope he had an extra gown somewhere.
Muhammad Ali, current day*, so I’ll only have the 2d worst shakes at the ceremony — though mine will admittedly be due to alcohol
(McSheisty took him in his prime)
Kanye sez- “we want prenup, we want prenup!”
lets hope the wedding is still on wormfather.
remember, “for better or worse” when you get married.
ludicrous speed: My girlfriend actually works for Davis, Polk and Wardwell, which is the firm that defended the Board of Education in that case. She finds it equal parts hilarious and mortifying, which is about right in my estimation. Ah, the good old days.
@Beaver
I didnt want to say anything but it was my fiance, hell yeah she pissed me off.
yeah, i would imagine ucla had better scenery than any part of new england.
I went to UCLA
:-)
It was awesome…
Wormfather- my mom SAID she was sorry for offending you…
With my third pick I choose Soren Kierkegaard. Why? The more classmates who kill themselves, the closer I get to valedictorian.
i’m sick of this draft and having to see ‘ace’ billick’s photo as the first thing on ksk everytime i log on to it. where is our weekly cheerleader post already? hurry it up, or i’ll leave a gay little “first!” comment on every post next week.
*sigh* who am i kidding, the gay mafia doesn’t respond to idle threats. since my picks so far have been charles oakley, gary sheffield, and ozzie guillen, i’ll switch it up a bit and go with peyton manning (who actually did speak at u-penn back in march). after all, who doesn’t want a big pasty white dude trying to sell them stuff during commencement?
Iggy Pop.
shit – that was jonathanb edwards. this sucks i quit.
oh, looks like tyson was taken too.
allright fine, Cotton Fucking Mather. no doubt he’d find college these day to be full of sinners in the hands of an angry god and would have some choice words for such dens of inequity.
cookie monster ? i need to know where you went to college.
the year before i graduated, bob hope spoke at my school. he was old as hell yet funny as ever.
Dude, my graduation speaker was Cookie Monster (no joke, he told us we should be healthy). Does the fact that it really happened overcome the no fictional characters rule???
In all seriousness, I’d probably take Earl Warren (yeah another lawyer, but it would be for my law school graduation, so its okay). It took some skillz to get a 9-0 vote on Brown v. Board of Education, as crazy as that seems today. If he can convince a bunch of white guys that blacks should, you know, be equal, he can impart some wisdom on me.
David Letterman. Ya’llz slippin.
damn wormfather, thats one way to start the weekend. she must have really pissed you off.
Chris Farley – in a little coat, of course.
I just told some chick that I hope she breaks a fingernail in her cunt. In the spirit of my greatness, I’ll be taking myself with my next pick.
David Lee Fucking Roth!
John Malkovich. How did he slip this far?
My wrap-up:
Charles Barkley
Teddy Roosevelt
Mike Tyson
Ted Nugent
Rickey Henderson
Malcolm X
Morgan Freeman
Tim Couch
Who’s the world’s fastest talker? I’ll take him/her. I gotta get out of these stupid robes and hat. I’m schvitzing here and the beer’s not getting any colder.
Rickey would love to speak at graduation. Rickey ain’t doing shit at the moment.
BDD, have you seen the video for sick,sick,sick. the video lives up to the songs title and the song kicks ass especially the last minute of it.
my last pick, CU coach dan hawkins, “go play intramurals, brother”. i hope like hell everyone knows what i’m talking about, if not check out the link.
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=3120
Speaking of slipping…
Larry David.
His wallet might be $100M lighter, but he still kills.
I’m only picking one today.
Floyd Mayweather, Sr.
Robert De Niro. You guys are slippin’. No way he should be going this low.
3s and 7s is the tits, among others. The new White Stripes is solid too; Jack White sounds like he hoovered a trash bag of coke before every song, which is charming in its own right.
Ricky Henderson is an inspired pick. with him gone i have to go with Mike Tyson.
I would love to hear iron mike ask to fornicate with all the beutifull coeds.
http://www.break.com/index/compilation_of_funniest_tyson_quotes.html
Don’t put it past the fine PR folk at the WWL to finagle a commencement speech at Holy Cross for B-Simm, just so that he can write a “blog” about the experience. They’ll likely tie it in with a Sox game at Fenway, where he’ll sit atop the Monster with his dad and Gammons as they wax poetic about days gone by… and The Bachelor. Then there would be a hilarious andecdote about a trip to Store 24 and a stop at Dunkin Donuts to grab some coffee, cuz, you know, they don’t have them in L.A.
I gotta stop.
Lenny Bruce – pre government witchhunt. He was still doing brilliantly funny stuff before he bacame all entangled in legal matters and depressed. That would be awesome…especially because he’d probably be smoking or drinking while he was giving the speech.
I’ll take Josh Homme now, because Era Vulgaris is fucking mind-blowing.
@Honey Nut…if Simmons gave my comencment speach, I would put the college I went to on my resume.
Queen Elizabeth I – queen for 45 years, back when being the queen actually meant something more than waving at crowds
I would have liked for Otto Man to have been my graduation speaker. Instead I got the founder of fedex, boring.
All you had to do was ask. I’m available for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and Jiffy Lube openings.
My buddy had Dikembe Mutombo speak at his. The accent and unintential humor makes him my #1.
I am trying to play by the rules so aptly enforced: How about Lee harvey Oswalt? There would be a story!
ed gein. oh man, that would be umm interesting.
Julius Caesar. Thanks for stopping by everyone.
Sorry I should have been more specific. Mike Myers dressed as Fat Bastard and wearing the costume worn during filming. I think it falls in line with Ali-g & Borat but……..