Let’s see. Pacman Jones. Chris Henry. Tank Johnson. Odell Thurman. Michael Vick…
Oh, man. Fuck me.
We’re not gonna have any players left.
I really should have thought this through. If I’m consistent in suspending all these retards equally, we’re gonna be fresh out of players by October. I’m gonna have to suspend all of them. Fuck!
Jesus, one bachelor party could wipe out an entire team. It’s okay. It’s okay, Rog. The whole point of this thing was to send a message out to all the players. It’s a deterrent. Yeah, that’s it. If I suspend them for being idiots, then they’ll top being idiots, right?
Right?
Secretary: Mr. Commissioner, it’s Ben Roethlisberger on Line 1. He said he set fire to a middle school by accident and that he’s really sorry.
Oh, fuck.
Secretary: Mr. Commissioner, it’s Terrence Kiel on Line 2. He said he beat his wife to death with a tire iron and wanted to know what to do with the body.
Tell him to hold!
Secretary: I also got a message from Ray Lewis. All he said was, “It happened again. But Jesus still loves me.”
Oh God, this is not happening.
Okay, okay. It’s time to plan. Just make a plan, Rog. I’m sure we can get some highly qualified replacements for those guys. If you put XFL players in an NFL uniform, that makes them legitimate! It could work! It has to work.
Secretary: Sir, Shawne Merriman is on Line 3. He said he’s been injecting cougar semen directly into his urethra and wanted to know if that was bad.
Tell him it’s bad. Everything is bad.
I really, really should have given this more careful consideration. Maybe I’ll quit and become commissioner of the Junior League. Those bitches seem well behaved.
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Al Davis on Line 5… something about his precious?
I also got a message from Ray Lewis. All he said was, “It happened again. But Jesus still loves me.”
ROFLMFAO at work.
Odell Thurman is taking serious aim at Lawrence Phillips speed record for league bannishment/diverse crimes.
He’s going to be the new standard when its all said and done.
@Burnsy
I hate Jemele Hill, but you already knew that. How did Ben Roethlisberger get pulled into this? Couldn’t we have said, “Odell Thurman is on 4. He just finished assaulting the last person on his list. Apparently, he ‘had beef’ with every single person in America. Had beef? I don’t get it, sir. Is he a vegetarian or something?”
Hey, if I still have that memory, then everyone needs to have that memory.
@signal to noise, i didn’t want to jinx the bills by mentioning marshawn lynch, but yes he might be a prime candidate to get in trouble with the law in his rookie season. and it was me that a miami grad is always in the running to get caught up in trouble.
@Otto Fuck you!
yes I did remember, I was here, and now you and you retrospection have thrown out six god damned months of theropy and about 1400 doses of Represital.
Thanks alot.
beaver: I would still worry. Marshawn Lynch is even odds to screw up, although, like someone mentioned before, when in doubt, bet on an U alum to screw up first.
@miamidiesel:
Kitna, the greatest Lions qb since Charlie Batch, is entering his second season in Detroit. And now has a shiny new Big Johnson to play with.
@C-lo
His name is Shane Falco, or Johnny Utah if you’re and Ohio State fan, but he can’t get the sounds of those footsteps out of is head.
[Chanting] His name is Footsteps Falco
@Otto Is it a towel? Is it? C’mon, the suspense is killing me.
Sorry, I forgot not everyone was here last year when we learned about the dark side of Tupperware.
Sir, Eli Manning on line 1. He said he just became a man.
He came on a man??? Ah, shit.
No, no, no, BECAME a Man.
About fucking time.
@matt, i guess smart money would be on any rookie from the u to get in trouble with the law.
@Otto Is it a towel? Is it? C’mon, the suspense is killing me.
Commissioner, there are some queer unicorns on line 3. They’re inquiring about the open mascot position for the Denver Broncos.
Shawne Merriman is on Line 3. He said he’s been injecting cougar semen directly into his urethra and wanted to know if that was bad
Where do you come up with this stuff? Trying not to laugh too hard while at work.
Secretary: Sir, there’s a FedEx package here for you from a “Big Daddy Drew.” It appears to be Tupperware.
Beaverfever
My vote has to go to Brandon Meriwether…i feel that one was a no-brainer
What’ll be really interesting is when Rog has to suspend Jon Kitna and the entire Seattle Seahawks team for sexually abusing alter boys… I’m wondering if Rog will decide to break from precedent and “reassign” them to other cities instead…
any thoughts on the first rookie that will get in trouble with the law ? i’m just hoping it is none of buffalo’s rookies.
Rog clearly ain’t seen your basic junior league jello mold contest.
Not pretty.
Fuck! Rog just suspended Mangini for his cameo in the Soprano’s. Something or other about promoting violonce.
at this rate the UFL might actually have a legit chance to compete with the NFL.
Commissioner, Bill Belichick is on the phone for you. Oh wait, this call is for me, nevermind…
By the time Rog is done, Scoop Jackson and Jemele Hill will have told us all how evil white people are 6.3 trillion times.
OH HAI ROG, ISS BRAYDEEKWN. IZ OWSIDE BAF HOWS IN TEH CASTRO IM REEL DIRTY! U SAY CAN HAS SHOWER WIF FRENZ?
@ larry burns
Thanks for the heads up. I guess it’s off to GNC during lunch, but i’m guessing that shawne merriman gets his the old fashined way; milking the cougar.
+1 redhead.
Viva el Footbal Americano!
becky watch your neck, gene upshaw willl kill a snitch.
It’s a good thing Gene Upshaw has his priorities straight…there’s definitely nothing he should have to say about this at all…nope, nothing at all…
@liquid d
it comes in vitamins and somehow it got injected into shawne merriman, hes looking into what supplements he took that tianted there product. hes also wondering whether he was in a coma during the injection.
Hey Rog, I know a guy who might have a solution for you. According to Gary Sheffield, there’s a whole race of people out there who are easy to control.
Just out of curiosity, where does one get cougar semen? Is there a season for it or can you get it year round?
Is ingesting cougar semen really against the rules? If so, does performing oral on Paris after she’s left a party mean a 4-game suspension?
Soon the NFL is going to be like The Replacements…”Starting at QB for the Atlanta Falcons, Keanu Reeves!”
“I guess Tank Johnson will be the face of this league after all.”
Ladies and gents…the real Roger Goodell.
Commisioner, Tom Brady on line 3, he said he impregnated your wife.
Ask him if she was over 18?
Commisioner, it’s your wife.
Ohh ya, tell him I said thank you.