One of the things that’s great about bukkake is that it follows my laws of stickiness. A sticky idea is one that sticks to anyone who comes into contact with it. And nothing’s stickier than a boatload of cum.

In many ways, it’s just like the recent outbreak of herpes in the greater Atlanta area. Bukkake is a popular social activity in many Atlanta neighborhoods. Which means that the herpes itself becomes sticky. This is an incredibly radical idea when you think about it, largely because it is my idea.

I asked 500 of my closest gay friends to come up with a number between one and 10. 75% of them chose 5. What does this mean? It means more people are getting abortions than ever before, but not for the reasons we might assume.

Again, it all goes back to the bukkake.

Congratulations, Gay Mafia. I got you this basket of Paul Mitchell styling products. It helps me always look like an 8th grader from 1972 in a constant state of surprise. Happy birthday, KSK. You’re okay, but Bill Simmons is better because he’s the only sportswriter I’ve ever read.