Dear Rodger Riney, aka the dude in the Scottrade helicopter ads that I’ve been forced to watch during every televised sporting event over the past eight months:

Fuck you.

I get it. You’re the CEO of the company and you like seeing yourself in your ads. Why, I bet you even own that helicopter! Awesome! You sure are powerful and influential! The stock photo above makes you look so in charge and proactive! Message taken. Now fucking crash and burn, you rich fuck. You look like Artie Pie in those ads and nothing you do will change that. So move over and let some new ad air repeatedly until I have been whipped into a manic froth. Your time is over.

If I see that fucking helicopter of yours in the sky over my house, I’m getting my potato gun and firing it at the rotating blades. Then I will squeal with pleasure as you spin round and round and plummet back to Earth, dead and toasted. Then, I’m gonna walk up to you and hit you with a brick. That’s how we do things in Montgomery County.

Oh, and your trade fee blows. I hate you to death. Fuck you in the pants.