Berating You Contest Entrants So That Ufford Doesn’t Have To
I love you folks, the fine readers of this here site. I really do. But sometimes you people make me so mad I want to have Robert Blake shoot you and then cover it up.
The keeper league contest entires have come in. Some have been lovely (Thanks, Sarah!), but most have been putrid. It’s almost lamer than the fucking Hot Blogger contest. I was going to do your family a favor and install the Disney Channel for free. Well, forget it. Some quick correctives.
-DO NOT send us your fucking whole personal fantasy football history. We don’t fucking care.
-DO NOT send us blog entries you already wrote. Only WE get to recycle our old shit. I ain’t clicking thru to SHIT.
-DO NOT send us pictures of your truck. It’s a truck. I don’t fucking care about trucks. Send your truck photo to Bob fucking Seger.
-DO NOT send us entries over 250 words. The whole point of this blog is to avoid ACTUAL reading. Your endless manifestos are useless against us. I won’t even read the topic sentence. You did include a topic sentence, DIDN’T YOU?!
-DO NOT send us photos of yourself in drag if you can’t pull it off.
-DO NOT send us your shitty MS Paint jobs. It only reminds us of our own artistic shortcomings.
-DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.
Now, I’m always one for positive reinforcement. That’s why the lovely Lucy Pinder graces the top of this post. Some suggestions:
-DO send us embarrassing stories about NFL players, writers, and broadcasters. I don’t even care if they’re true. We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl. Or did he?
-DO send us anything that embarrasses Chris Berman or Bill Simmons.
-DO send us a photo of Grosssman in a Sex Cannon shirt. (Pull this off for real and you’re the instant winner)
-DO find creative ways to incorporate KSK thinking into the outside world, with photographic proof of such shenanigans. You can create so many different messages with a chain link fence over a highway and 1,000 tennis balls. If you didn’t even have to leave your office chair to create your entry, then you fucking failed.
-DO send t-shirt designs that improve on our god-awful work.
-DO make fun of Ufford.
-DO send great photoshops involving Vick, Tank, Pacman and the like.
-DO make yourself useful. Don’t make us thrash you.
You have until June 30th. kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. Razzle dazzle us, people.
UPDATE: And DON’T send us porn. You almost got Ape fired. And no one likes an angry Ape.
Tags: I always hurt the ones I love, let's see how well you people follow protocol
June 20th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Listen, I don’t need you guys to tell me my first entry sucked. Have some patience.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
i’d just like to clarify: my entry (the “wildly perplexing” one) was not made in ms paint. that’s straight photoshop skillz. i set the photoshop bar high, what can i say?
June 20th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
God Drew, you’re so tough. I don’t know if I’m man enough to be in the same fantasy football league as you.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
DON’T do what Johnny Don’t does.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
I got nothing. I’ll just sit back and watch the fun.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Holy shit, Lucy Pinder is hot.
I don’t know whether to waste work time coming up with another application stunt, or just do some one-handed image googling.
I guess I’ll have to do both.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Like true stories of NFL coaches wrestling bears? Enjoy.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
I love it when Drew talks dirty to me.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Hey, not my fault MMP got voted out.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I liked the truck. You can send more trucks, but you probably won’t get BDD aka Mr. Salad Fork’s vote.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
TSW, I think he’s pissed because he was automatically rejected
June 20th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Also, I’ve already made fun of Ufford here - http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/04/ladies-open-mic.html
And posted my naked boobs for the SHOTY
So either I get in or you can go eat dick BBD.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Does BBD stand for Big Baby Drew?
June 20th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
If TSW gets in, I will shoot myself.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
BDD can get as viscious as he wants to after posting that picture of lucy pinder after the half of dozen gay ones.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Anyone else notice Lucy Pinder’s breasts?
June 20th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
i sense sarcasm chief, but i’m sure we all noticed them.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
from Pinder’s Wiki page
She lists some of her dislikes as clowns (especially Pennywise from It), wasps and racism.
Oh my god…she’s my fucking soul mate!!!
June 20th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Well, if it’s on Wikipedia, it must be true.
My turnoffs include cloudy days and people who frown. I bet I’ll never find a Playmate with similar concerns.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
-DO make fun of Ufford.
I heard he’s TOO handsome.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
I love both clowns AND racism. Lucy and I just are not meant to be.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
But what of racist clowns? Yucko the clown be crazy HOT.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
First of all, Lucy Pinder plays for my team. So BDD, I expect some credit for that one — otherwise, you can go get yourself testicularly torsed. Its too bad old posts don’t count as entries, because that team I assembled is an all-time record-breaker.
And now that I know you guys don’t care about past performance (*cough* 5 championships from 12 leagues last season *cough*), I’ll make sure to bring the KSK philosophy to the outside world, and get somebody to photograph me doing it. In fact, since I’m headed to Hong Kong this weekend for six weeks for work, I’ll make sure to do something over there. Think they’re ready for “Cumslinger” t-shirts and dick jokes? Because shit is about to hit the fan…
wv - hgxqlzgk: Chinese word for “Fuck you, I didn’t need to see you shaking your dick at oncoming traffic while wearing a “Sex Cannon” t-shirt”
June 20th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
It is easy enough to find a racist wasp, but, a racist wasp who is a clown? Well, that is a rare bird my friend…
June 20th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
My turn ons: nice smiles, thoughtful conversation and a Woman who can assemble an M-14 blindfolded.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Measurements: 32G–26–34 in.
Oh my God we’re soul mates! Those are my turn-ons!
June 20th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
I heard he’s TOO handsome.
Really CC? Well, Someone doesn’t think so
June 20th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
a racist wasp who is a clown?
What about Trent Lott?
Too soon?
June 20th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Sir,
Oh, well! YOU aren’t satisfied with OUR submissions.
Our apologies.
Now you can fully relate to how WE feel.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
@ Otto
I am pretty sure Lott is a Baptist, not a Protestant
June 20th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
i didn’t see animal sacrifices under the the list of Do Not’s. you guys might want to add that, who knows what your readers are capable of.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Baptists are Protestants, numb nuts.
I surely risk disqualification for saying this, but, Pinder isn’t that hot. I mean, her face is kind of wack. Take a look at her without makeup.
I prefer Kelly Hazell for my insanely large-breasted Briton needs.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I am pretty sure Lott is a Baptist, not a Protestant
Actually, the term “Protestant” pretty much encompasses all Christians except the Catholics. Baptists included.
Of course, Lott’s real focus of worship is his helmet hair. I’m betting he won a lifetime supply of Consort Hairspray as a kid.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Not to start a theological discussion here, but, Baptists who espouse the “perpetuity” theory are not Protestants…
nunb nuts.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
yesterday we veered off on the topic of porn stars, today we debate if baptists are protestants. celebrate diversity !
June 20th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
I am good like that
June 20th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Wasn’t “Nun B Nuts” the subtitle for “Sister Act 3″?
June 20th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
@nation_of_islam_sportsblog
That was brilliant!
June 20th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
You got me there. If so, that would be indicitave of a level of effort in writing that movie… effort I asumed to be completely missing.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Good point re perpetuity. However, Baptism is clearly an off-shoot of American Protestantism. Just because they don’t think they’re Protestants doesn’t make it so.
And porn stars? Where!?
June 20th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
rusty, go to the comment section from yesterdays post “sushi for badasses”
June 20th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
@Rusty - Well, even if I am transsubstantiating my corn flakes every morning, if I do not consider myself a Catholic, chances are, I am not a Catholic.
Porn stars in the Post regarding Bear Grylls eating a fish.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Well at first I thought to myself, “If you want to be part of this most sacred posse of guys making dick jokes, you really will have to apply yourself.” Then I realized: I’ll have to apply myself. Fuck that, I come to this site for OTHER people to entertain ME.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
You know the the comments section has been quite angry the last few days, in fighting, cat fighting (not yet), just all around anger.
I think I’m going to schedule the KSK Gay Mafia/Comments Section to sensitivity training.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
@rar288: Indeed. If I were in charge, that post would automatically get you into the league.
Yay, sloth and passivity!
June 20th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Yeah, found it. Just e-mailed BDD what Chasey looks like now w/o make-up. It’s not pretty.
I prefer Eve Lawrence (before she went blonde).
And regarding the Baptist business: believing the Baptist Church predates Catholicism is fine. It’s just like Mormons believing all that Mormon stuff. History just vehemently disagrees.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
I like the way rar288 thinks.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Check your inbox, you just received the winning entry, bitches.
Baptists do have something in common with the other Protestants, Jews, and pretty much everyone else who isn’t Catholic: They’re all going to hell.
-Chief Wahoo
June 20th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
@rusty - not sure what to say to that. I guess I’ll just drop it.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Honestly, I didn’t even read that post - I just stared at the piece of ass at the beginning.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Lately, Angelica Sin has been turning my head
June 20th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Check your inbox, you just received the winning entry, bitches.
(Shakes head in a sad manner). Happens on EVERY post
DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
@jo If you win, I’ll bow down before the one I serve, guess I’ll get what I deserve.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
If I were to submit video of a bear fighting a pack of rabid woolverines at Mike Vick’s house while the Cumslinger (sporting a Sex Cannon t-shirt, naturally) collects $100 bills from a weeping Bill Simmons, that would pretty much secure my spot in the field, right?
Oh hell, I’ll just send porn.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
so anyway, the only rule is there are no rules, except when i decide to make some which will be applied retroactively.
great precedent your setting for a fantasy league
June 20th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
@devang: I was about to apologize for ignoring protocol then I noticed that you were quoting Depeche Mode lyrics, so instead I’ll just say: prepare to bow.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Depeche Mode???
June 20th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
They’re not rules, Ken, so much as tips for success. We’re not naive enough to think that any rules would have been followed, anyway.
June 20th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
@sam No, No, no my friend. They are a variation of a NIN song “Head Like a Hole”. I think you are wrongly thinking of “Personal Jesus”. Makes sense with all the talk about different Christian denominations on this post
June 20th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
@ John S.: Awesome. Nine Inch Nails (Ninnies) always were about as hard as Depeche Mode.
June 20th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
@ rusty: You judge her by her face? What kind of sick freak are you?
This is the kind of bullshit that sets male chauvinism back.
June 20th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Come on bloof, shes got to have some kind of face you can look at, so you know where to aim on the pull out. How are you supposed to hit her face when you’re cringing?
June 20th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Aaaaaand I just guaranteed that I won’t be making any lady friends today…
June 20th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
@ the pirate sloth. Are you referring to the Angry Dragon?
June 20th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Pirate Sloth, don’t be so presumptuous. I’ll be your friend.
But if you come on my face, I’ll punch you.
June 20th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Thanks Andrea, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind for future rendezvous.
June 20th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Holy fuck. Take an enema, Drew. I already bitchslapped myself in public for the oldass blog entries. I’ll be your submissive bitch for, like, one comment, but after that it gets kinda boring, y’know?
June 20th, 2007 at 10:09 pm
Oprah’s Va Jay Jay apologizes for any offense taken.
June 21st, 2007 at 8:18 am
My apologies, Ape. At least it was softcore porn. I figured it was ok since I was involved and all. My bad.
-Chief Wahoo
June 21st, 2007 at 9:22 am
If you’re talking porn stars, you can’t miss a scene from these:
Nici Sterling
Alexandria Quinn
Gauge
Monica Sweetheart
Nici Sterling ****
Anna Nova
Angelica Sin
Jeanna Fine
Nicole Sheridan (when she’s not banging that ogre husband in every scene)
Mia Bangg
Check them out, they’re the best in the biz.
June 21st, 2007 at 9:37 am
thenaturalmevs, don’t think that no one noticed that you just posted the same comment on two separate posts.
June 21st, 2007 at 11:48 am
Otto Man, your time is impeccable.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:08 pm
I met OJ Simpson at the ‘92 Summer Olympics. I had a picture taken with him, and my grandma told his girlfriend to get out of the picture right before she snapped it. I’m pretty sure he was wearing Bruno Magli shoes. I’ll see if I can dig up the photo.
Sadly, that’s all I’ve got…
June 21st, 2007 at 8:10 pm
We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl.
So I should have held on to that one until now?
Damn.