Will Somebody Puhleese Think of Corrupting the Children?
To atone for their various misdeeds and to burnish their image with the league, Chris Henry, Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson and Michael Vick met with Mrs. Plimsoll’s 4th grade class at Roosterhaven Elementary School in suburban Philadelphia to discuss proper conduct and comportment.
Mrs. Plimsoll: Okay, class. We have four special guests today. These men are professional football players that have gotten into some trouble and are here to explain to you what they did and why you shouldn’t do the same. We’ll begin with what each player did.
Tank Johnson: I got strapped. Then I strapped my house. Strapped my dog. Bought a second house so I could strap that. Shot somebody so I could worry about someone getting revenge on me, thus giving me an excuse to buy more guns. Worry that the guns I have would plot against me, so I bought more guns. You kids got guns? We’re not in Virginia, so I guess not.
Michael Vick: Oh my god. Am I back in elementary school again? This is great. I get to do finger painting and discover weed all over again. I don’t think that was until 5th grade, though. Maybe a little revisionist history is in order.
Pacman Jones: I tossed paper currency on an exotic dancer in a manner suggestive of meteorological precipitation. Then I had sex with her without saying “thank you.”
Chris Henry: Pick up the packet under your desk. Read items one through eight on my rap sheet. Don’t do them, ‘cept six, that’s still going through appeal in the courts, so we’ll wait on that.
Mrs. Plimsoll: Class, you may ask questions of Mr. Vick, Johnson, Henry and Jones.
Frankie Tompkins: Is your real name Tank?
Tank Johnson: Nah. It’s tracked armored combat vehicle. But that’s too long to stick on a gun permit, so I shortened my name and I also stopped filling out gun permits.
Mrs. Plimsoll: Students, doesn’t Mr. Jones’ name remind you of something?
Steven Showalter: Yeah, they had that game at the bar Chris Henry took me to last night.
Chris Henry: Which one of you kids asked me to pick up that pack of Spaten. Must’ve been that German kid in the back.
Mike Hunt: Mistah Jones, what causes the rain?
Pacman Jones: The rain is caused by one of three ways: these are known as condensation, coalescence and the Bergeron Process. But more often, it happens when my dick get hard and some freaky bitch twist her ass out.
Wendy Cappercan: Mr. Vick, why do you have doggies fight each other?
Michael Vick: I’m really glad you asked that. See, when at first I brought these dogs together, it was to get at the root of the pan-canine hostilities. We had doggie drumming circle, doggie art therapy classes, doggies team building exercises. Then we all sat down together, got really high and watched The Crying Game. Then Mr. Googily Eyes, Forest Whitaker gave that tale about the frog and scorpion, with the scorpion attacking the frog despite their need for one another and the frog saying, “Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion? For now we both will drown!” Then the Scorpion replies, “I can’t help it. It’s in my nature.” That really opened my eyes. Also, the dogs were kinda pissed about the transvestite stuff and wanted to work it out through combat.
Mrs. Plimsoll: That’s enough for the question period. To wrap up, each of the players will say what lesson they learned from their experience.
Tank Johnson: Obtaining guns is only the result of a more pressing problem, which is not owning enough guns.
Pacman Jones: Don’t make catchy names for your deviant acts. It only makes the punishment more severe.
Chris Henry: Don’t commit a whole bunch of crimes unless you’re ready to suffer the consequences. Like, being suspended for four games. So, try to keep at least a paycheck saved up in your bank account for times like that.
Michael Vick: Then the dogs come to me after the fight and tell me how freeing and natural the act of combat is to them. It really caused me to reevaluate a lot of things. Like, I’m trying to spend all this time reading these defenses when I could be talking to them, finding their true nature. I think at the end of it, the defenses realize that my place is in the endzone and they’ll leave me at peace there. Then we can get some defense drum circling going.
Tags: children are our future unless we stop them, michael vick, xmas ape
May 17th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
I tossed paper currency on an exotic dancer in a manner suggestive of meteorological precipitation.
Genius
May 17th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Mike Hunt: Mistah Jones, what causes the rain?
I’m hoping it was an intentional choice to have “Mike Hunt” ask about the strippers.
May 17th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
This has been a banner day
May 17th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Reading this will easily be the highlight of my day.
But that’s too long to stick on a gun permit, so I shortened my name and I also stopped filling out gun permits. Absolutely brilliant.
May 17th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I learned something from their mistakes.
May 17th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
This has truly been an ‘A+’ day.
May 17th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. If making it rain on hot bitches and then ripping up the club with ya nine is wrong, then I dont want to be right.
May 17th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
I now have Blame It On The Rain stuck in my head. I feel like I’m being punished for having enjoyed stories about crackers.
May 17th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
“Oh my god. Am I back in elementary school again? This is great. I get to do finger painting and discover weed all over again.”
Oh Ron Mexico, you crazy little scamp
May 17th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
why didn’t any of the kids ask the player what they though about pooping on their towels
May 17th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
It’s official, the poop post shall live on in imfamy.
POOP UPDATE: I took a shower this morning and fogot to poop before hand, I’m trying to hole out till this evening.
May 17th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Then Vick got the whole class blazed and they watched YouTube videos about gay unicorns on the overhead projector.
May 17th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I think KSK has officially recovered from the takeover by … Ladies.
May 17th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
As if Philly sports fans don’t have enough issues, now their children are learning about life from Vick, Pacman, Tank, and Henry. Outstanding.
Oh, and the tag ‘children are our future unless we stop them’ is about as good as it gets.
May 17th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Then I had sex with her without saying “thank you.”
Perfect.
May 17th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
And, now I have Blame It on the Rain stuck in my head.
Thanks, smello.
May 17th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
It’s always sunny in Philadelphia until Pacman Jones arrives.
May 17th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
True story……
I stopped by my local strip club last night because a friend is the bouncer and he let me in free (also he sells me weed). Anyways, I stayed for a beer to watch the talent. During one girl’s stage dance, this old pervy lookin’ dude stood at the edge of the stage with both hands in his pockets for almost the full song. At the end, he suddenly whipped both hands out and “made it rain” with like $6 worth of crumpled up singles.
I laughed so hard I had to leave or I was gonna pee myself.
May 17th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
And, now I have Blame It on the Rain stuck in my head.
Thanks, smello.
I’ll do you one worse…
I was taunted in HS with derisive chants of Blame it on Devang.
Yes I am that old.
May 17th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
I didn’t get the memo that it was “Smoke Crack at KSK Day.”
May 17th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
“The rain is caused by one of three ways: these are known as condensation, coalescence and the Bergeron Process. But more often, it happens when my dick get hard and some freaky bitch twist her ass out.”
Nearly made me spit out a mouthful of soda.
Brilliance.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
The question is, Devang, were you wearing bike shorts & a suit jacket with no shirt during that period of your youth?
And, I feel your pain, I saw Milli Vanilli in concert…with Information Society.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
were you wearing bike shorts & a suit jacket with no shirt during that period of your youth?
That would be a no.
I did wear Z-Cavarricis with a California roll and black high-top Reebok sneakers.
BTW, I’d like to forget the 80s decade of music. Bad times.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
In a few years, these children can take a sex education class with guest speakers Tom Brady, Matt Leinart, Rex Grossman and Mark Chmura.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
Devang, I think this has to win the worst cloths in the 80’s-90’s contest. Polka dot MC Hammer pants with a green and black cardigan sweater. I have a piceture somewhere. I doubt that ensemble can be beat.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
i have a picture in addition to my piceture
May 17th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
@sledog,
don’t discriminate based on sexuality:
for the gays we have jeff garcia peter king and of course the great audibler.
by the today was great, i loved both posts.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
The first rule of doggy fight club is you do not talk about doggie fight club.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Then the dogs come to me after the fight and tell me how freeing and natural the act of combat is to them. It really caused me to reevaluate a lot of things. Like, I’m trying to spend all this time reading these defenses when I could be talking to them, finding their true nature. I think at the end of it, the defenses realize that my place is in the endzone and they’ll leave me at peace there. Then we can get some defense drum circling going.
Can’t read this shit during conference calls. Good thing my phone was on mute.
Endless material for the Adventures of Michael Vick.
May 17th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
“My name is Snoop…and I wanna be a mutha-fuckin’ gangsta.”
May 17th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
the butler, isn’t it ‘hustla’?
May 17th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Pick up the packet under your desk. Read items one through eight on my rap sheet. Don’t do them, ‘cept six, that’s still going through appeal in the courts, so we’ll wait on that.
I lolled.
May 17th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
@awful chief
Actually, the first rule of doggy fight club is lay down a pee pad.
May 17th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
Well done with this…
May 17th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
@wormfather
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. If making it rain on hot bitches and then ripping up the club with ya nine is wrong, then I dont want to be right.
PREACH ON BROTHA, PREACH ON.
@smello
If Blame it on the Rain is bad, nothing beats this little ditty from the one and only Oran Juice Jones (yes that was his real name):
The Rain
May 17th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
OK Burnsy, so obviously the second rule of doggy fight club is
LAY DOWN a pee pad.
Third rule of doggy fight club is DO NOT fuck with Priscilla.
May 17th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Great job Ape. I don’t think Tank ever shot anyone though…. that may be wishful thinking on my part since I’m a Bears fan.
May 17th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Very educational for the childrens. Along with the new Better Basketball video from Bruce Bowen. Lesson 1: The Sack Attack.
May 17th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
rar: wasn’t it a bodyguard?
May 18th, 2007 at 1:50 am
andrew: no man, the guy that got killed was Tank’s best friend. A thug killed his best friend right in front of his eyes. Tank’s never hurt anyone, but he has made horrible life decisions.
May 21st, 2007 at 10:42 pm
I agree completely with Emily Caroline, my favorite line too:
“But that’s too long to stick on a gun permit, so I shortened my name and I also stopped filling out gun permits.”
However, I have to back rar up on this. Tank didn’t shoot someone, he’s a gentle giant. A gentle giant who owned a shitload of REALLY, REALLY illegal guns.