I’ve been wanting to do a fight draft for ages. And at last, here it is. The rules here are a bit complex, so let’s get right to them. This must be a famous person everyone knows, currently living and as they are right now. Picking them means you fight them, hand-to-hand. One on one. No weapons. No hired goons. No holds barred. And you aren’t guaranteed of beating them. This is real life fighting. If you maim or kill them, you will not be charged with a crime. If you get maimed or killed, your medical care is paid for. No picking Deadspin commenters or that one asshole in your class. No one cares. Pick only one celebrity. After that, you must wait 10 selections before you pick another.

One last rule: If you are a man, you cannot pick a female. We’d all like to pick Paris Hilton, hold her down, and beat the fucking tar out of her. But I’m against violence on the ladies, so you gotta pick a guy. My pick? The obvious:


Chief Poopy Pants himself.

Bin Laden has the reach on me, no doubt. But he’s old, and his kidneys are failing. I could take him. I’d pull that fucking beard for all it was worth. He’s also got a big nose. I bet he’s a bleeder. Bring it, Osama. I’ll hit you so hard I’ll kill your whole family. All 57 brothers and sisters of yours. Bitch.

NOTE: I did a post for the Name of the Year blog today on the great Destiny Frankenstein. Check it out.