This Week’s KSK Commenter Draft: Non-Pornographic Sex Scenes In Which You’d Like To Participate
05.04.07
Last week’s first-ever KSK commenter draft was such a smashing success (one guy even did a full breakdown of it), we’ve decided to hold a new one every Friday morning for the rest of the offseason.
This week draft: Non-Pornographic Sex Scenes In Which You’d Like To Participate
The rules: You are not the actor in this scene. You are the character. Which means you totally get laid. Picks are first come first served. But only pick one scene, and once you pick, you must wait 10 picks before making another selection. Once 10 other commenters have picked, you can then pick another scene. And please, try and provide some YouTube linkage if you can find it. Add a NSFW warning if appropriate. Hopefully, it will be.
You may draft different scenes from the same movie. But again, no porn. And no softcore porn. In fact, I’m gonna limit it to R-rated movies only. That way, no one picks “Henry & June”. Not that you would. Though I heard it was rather ribald.
Oh, and no picking the first sex scene from “Risky Business.” That’s all mine.
“Are you ready for me, Drew?”
Why yes. Yes, I am.
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I reckon she has. Her face has no expression, and doesn’t appear to move
it si the experience thing……simple as that….plus, being older, they figure you have had sex, and that means, in their small minds, you are easy, and would do it with them….
Black Beauty (the horse), well I’m hung like one anyway!!
I love the doors! Thanks!
Incredible! Angelina’s new movie looks like a hit. I’ll definitely like it!
http://moronail.net/img/1122_holy_f_i_love_being_white
Jody Foster and a pinball machine. Dukes of Hazard pinball machine and Taxi Driver Jody Foster if possible.
Hey, still plenty of great free agents out there if you get past 1990. Nothing quite like Greta Scacchi–in feathers–in Coca-Cola Kid. Or Julie Christie in Don’t Look Now, but I’d end up paying for having sex with her by getting killed by a dwarf dressed like Little Red Ridinghood.
Or how about getting to be Cary Grant, cool enough in itself, with Grace Kelly when the “fireworks” explodes in To Catch a Thief?
Pam Anderson in Raw Justice, up against the wall… I still remember the thrill of seeing Pam having simulated sex (pre-Tommy Lee video, of course)… Good times.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110948/
And how about Jane Fonda in Barbarella? She has sex at some point in that movie, I believe. If not, I’ll just be one of her shag carpets. She can roll around on me naked.
This is what happens when you are the 300th overall pick.
And since I’m waaay too late to this think I’ll pick another Blue Velvet scene.
Kyle MacLachlan from said film.
Isabella Roselini finds you in the closet and threatens to kill you with knife. Cuts your face right below you left eye. Asks you what you were doing there and you say you saw her get undressed. She tells you to get undressed. You do. She tells you to come closer. You do. She still has knife in her hand. She drops to her knees and your naked ass fills the 2.35:1 frame. She kisses you lower stomach and then you genitalia. You touch her. She yells “Don’t touch me or I’ll kill you!” and then asks if you like that kind of talk you tell her “No.” She tells you to go over to a seat in the corner which you do and she follows. The doors get knocked on loudly and she tells you to hide so you go back in the closet, naked, and she opens the door only to have what I posted above happen while you watch.
“Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!”
Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.
1. “It’s daddy you shithead. Where’s my bourbon?”
2. /Stare at Isabella Rosselini’s vagina.
2. “Don’t you fuckin’ look at me!”
3. /Inhale nitrous oxide
4. /Punch her in da face
5. /Pull of scissor to cut robe and shove in her vagina
6. /Jump on her body to dry hump
7. /Orgasm in 5 seconds
8. “You stay alive baby, do it for Van Gogh.”
9. /Blow out wall candle
10. “Now it’s dark.”
Yup.
I lied. I’m taking more…
- Sex with a futuristic Juliette Lewis in “Strange Days”. I’m Tom Sizemore and we videotape the whole thing.
- The Alice in Wonderland threesome in “Where the Truth Lies”. I get Alison Lohmann and a girl in an Alice costume.
- The kitchen sex scene in “The Dreamers”. I’m the kid that bangs Eva Green. Thats enough for me.
- Chair sex with Catherine Bell from “Hotline”. She leaves her stockings on…yum.
Day Two means its officially free-agent signing day. I’m signing six. I apologize if any of these were alredy taken, but I scrolled through and didn’t see any of them.
- Eminem banging Brittany Murphy in the factory in “8 mile”. She spits on her hand…come on!
- Michael Madsen nailing Marg Helgenberger in “Species”. That sexual tension was building forever in that movie. Also, I’m Mr. Blonde…I rule.
- William Hurt drilling Kathleen Turner in “Body Heat”. I get to throw a chair through a window and then have sex. OK!
- The scene where Charlie Sheen get seduced by Roger Dorn’s wife “Major League”. She was smoking hot and you know that was the ultimate “grudge fuck”.
- Shower sex with Jenny Agutter – “American Werewolf in London”. Three Things that make this a fantastic pick…(1) Shower sex with a hot english nurse. (2) Van Morrison playing in the background. (3) I’m a fucking werewolf.
- Rob Lowe and Demi Moore sex montage from “about last night”. I get gymnastic sex with Demi (pre-implants) at like 21 years old. Good times, indeed.
I’m the 2nd day master.
I’ll be Billy Bob taking care of Halle Berry’s needs in Monster’s Ball….
Fools
Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette in true romance
I’m going to have to go with The Departed. The conversation right before the sex scene is incredible:
Costigan: You don’t have any cats.
Madolyn: No.
Costigan: I like that.
Um…Varsity Blues. Bring on the Cool Whip.
The winshield of the dirty, dirty car in Cold Hank Luke.
I meant to put a youtube link to The Hunger scene I mentioned but then I put up the wrong one, so I deleted that. Here’s the correct one:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1g8PEdOIvlw
Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger–I’d be happy to be either of those women doing the other.
Shit, all my first choices (Wild Things, Bound, Bad Santa) were taken. So I’m taking the “You’re gonna be my regular Saturday night thing” scene from “Roadhouse.”
I’ll also snag the ice cube scene from “Do the Right Thing.”
Lastly, does Jim Kelly with about a dozen white and Asian chicks in “Enter the Dragon” count? The sex was only implied, but those women looked mighty satisfied.
I’m kicking myself for being stuck at work and missing this draft, but like the Seahawks in the draft, ’tis better late than never.
The alien-controlled astronaut guy screwing the identical twins in Species II.
Check, and Mate.
Michael Caine fucking the daughter of his friend on the beach in Blame it on Rio is pretty fucking great. I take that.
My sleeper pick:
The “Lumberg Fucked Her” nightmare from Office Space.
Oooh, just move a little to the right, that would be grreaaat…
Feet in the air — CHECK
Mug of Coffee — CHECK
TPS Reports — CHECK
score
I’m later for this draft than the Washington Redskins, but I’m stuck between…
1.) Rubbing ice cubes on Rosie Perez in “Do the Right Thing.”
2.) Nailing Jada Pinkett on the countertop in “Jason’s Lyric.”
What do you think, sirs?
Jay and Silent Bob strike back: The Stereotypical 4-Way Porno scene where the pizza guy gets to sex Eliza Dushku, Ali Larter, and some random woman.
After which he gets to go on the Colbert Report.
Alright, total chick flick, but the scene in Love Actually where the English dude takes the four hot chicks, including Shannon Elizabeth and Elisha Cuthbert, to bed and they’re too poor for pajamas…
That’s all… I need nothing else.
Kudos to ladyandrea for realizing people were getting laid JUST off camera in black & white with that TO HAVE & HAVE NOT pick. Plus you get that Hemingway bankshot for extra testosterone.
And since we’re in I guess the fourth or fifth round I’m just going to take four rounds with Jessica Lange in THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE with extra splashes of flour to accentuate the wet spots. Remember that’s FOUR times with Jessica Lange AND I get to make Jack Nicholson confused amazement/total gratitude /who’s your demon daddy faces all in the same scene and she’s clearly been waiting months if not years for it. I’m sayin’!
And my verification code here “kzqvihhw” – is just one of the crazy noises I force her to make.
Can’t believe everyone missed this, or maybe I’m some sort of vanilla freak…
Demi Moore on the kitchen floor in Indecent Proposal.
How about the stair scene in A History of Violence. For lack of a better term, it’s violent.
Rolling around with Gerard Butler in that shitty second Tomb Raider movie. I watch that thing when it shows on cable just to gaze at him.
Did we all really just miss the Clockwork Orange double-time threesome. A bit of the ol’ in/out, in/out anyone?
The fat waitress getting banged by Thomas Haden Church and later by some grizzly old dude with wither-dick in Sideways.
And with that I believe we have our “Mr. Irrelevant.”
The scene in the Other Side of Midnight (1977) where the chick dumps a handful of ice on the guys stomach as he comes when she’s riding him
Jessie Spano in the pool in Showgirls. Love it!
the sex scene in showgirls where elizbeth berkley splashes way too much but it still would be hot. great value pick this late.
Man, this is late to the party or what?
But this is a value pick and an eighth.
Marv and Goldie. Sin City. Yes. I would be an ugly sumbitch. But I would be a super badass. Plus, Jamie King’s breasts are magical.
the amelie sex scene where the couple shakes the whole restaurant and everyone can hear them.
re: Amelie
I want the last eight minutes of Amelie: That gorgeous kiss, then whatever happens after that, finished off by Amelie and Nino hugging cutely in those rumpled sheets.
I can’t believe no one took Rosario Dawson in any movie, especially Alexander. I might have just won with the 224th overall pick…
Clayton, you and I should just share the Poison Ivy franchise.
This may go as the equivalent of the Eagles selecting Kevin Kolb, but I’m out of the loop for five hours and all my top choices are already off the board, I need to get something in while I collect my thoughts for a better pick:
Jennifer Aniston in “Bruce Almighty.” As a perk, I have god-powers that I can use to make her tits bigger.
Steve Martin in “Parenthood” gets a surprise BJ from his wife while driving the family van…and smashes into a lightpost.
When the cop asks them “What were you doing at the time of the crash?”, and Steve Martin turns to his wife and says “Show him, honey”.
Hilarious
The hot puppet coitus marathon from Team America. Very limber and hot, you know, for a puppet.
wait a minute, sarah spain reads ksk? that’s big news.
Christ, what’s left? Jeff and Grace in Grandma’s Boy?
“Who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, hands up. This chick’s pussy smelled like the Great Depression.”
I’ll take Foster doing Ursula in the Winnebago in SuperTroopers.
I get to do Marisa Coughlan and smoke all the weed I want.
Cavewomen being taken by surprise, and from behind, in “Quest For Fire.”
Mmmmm… unexpected intercourse….
Taye Diggs in the shower in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Mmm…
With my 3rd pick, I take the scene from Biloxi Blues where Matthew Broderick loses his virginity to a prostitute. It adds to my play adaptation pool, it was an inspirational to Jewish wiener’s like me everywhere, and it would prepare Matthew Broderick (fictionally speaking) for the massive amounts of sex his future wife would be having without him.
I’M TAKING IRREVRSIBLE
Belluci up the butt.
Can I take the orgasm montage from Amelie?
Wait, one more! Mel the Anti-Semite and Patsy Kensit in Lethal Weapon…2? Excellent and it ends with a narrow escape from that helicopter blowing up the trailer. Sweetness.
I’d like to close out my draft (which has been solid, in my opinion) with the back of the limo scene in No Way Out. This was back when Kevin Costner was sexy. Granted, I’d have to be the batshit crazy Sean Young, but I’d have the fun of introducing myself to Lt. Cmdr. Tom Farrell only after we’d done the deed. And, as was mentioned here (I think), car sex is hot.
I’m going to take the scene between Kelly Brook “Jennifer” and Juan Pablo Di Pace “Manuel” on the beach in the movie “Survival Island”.
Makes me pull my pants down every time
I’m wrapping this up with a double.
Jordan Ladd in Club Dread (this is a shortened clip, but it’s all I could find):
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/366138/jordan_ladd_in_club_dread/
And an as yet unclaimed masterpiece, Alyssa Milano in Poison Ivy 2. I am proud to own 2/3 of the Poison Ivy franchise (and to share the other third with ladyandrea):
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/291855/alyssa_milano_topless_compilation/
How about the hotel scene in Y Tu Mama Tambien? Short lived, but still hot.
That or “I Spit On Your Grave.”
What?
ehhh, is hitting cindy worth being a baldwin?
I’m going with the coked up threesome from Starsky and Hutch with Carmen Electra and Amy Smart…(I consider this an Antonio Pierce-like draft pick at this stage of the draft)
The makeup sex scene from Baby Boy. (That clip is AWESOME in German.
How about Tim and Eric and half the lampposts in Philadelphia?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCRfkPDlwps
Nice one on the Cindy Crawford. And she pulls a gun and kills a bad guy in the middle of getting fondled!
Body double or actually Cindy’s breasts?
@two-pump: Ooh, that would be Billy Baldwin, actually (warning: there is a whole bunch of Billy ass in this clip):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=WdGU5QisESs
Excellent choice, by the way.
I am STUNNED that I can still be Jason Biggs banging Alysson Hannigan at the end of American Pie. SCORE!
Me as Alec Baldwin nailing Cindy Crawford in “Fair Game”.
Everyone always forgets she tried her hand at movies
Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the blanketed room with Keanu Reeves getting fucked by Monica Bellucci and two other hot vampires.
I need a light-hearted scene to balance out the fucked-upness of my first pick. I was going to go with the rip/lick my stockings scene in Lost in Translation, but I decided to go with the safer pick: Peter Boyle and Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein
How about the hummer scene in Swordfish. Talk about pressure. Crack a code while getting dome from that blonde or die. I’ll take my chances. “she’s very good, isn’t she?” Indeed
Ben Conant – i think mckinely needs to experience the ultimate, and i think you know what i’m talking about.
yeah dude, penis and vagina.
no dickhead, sex.
Couldn’t find a clip of gene humping the fridge but this probably has the most classic autofellatio line in all of cinema.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fspvX1j1CqI
Okay, if my scene was taken then I’m going to be the bouncer that gives the doggy to the girl at the Double Deuce, just so I can say “You’re my regular Saturday night thing.”
“But I was on my break!”
The scene where Swayze bangs Kelly Lynch standing up in Road House. Just ’cause I’d be Dalton and could rip some fruitcake a-hole’s throat.
Then I would be nice until it was time not to be nice.
Very Bad Things … the sex with the hooker in the bathroom. Hey, she was alive when he *started* …
Lots of value picks this late in the draft. I’m going with Kelly Preston in Mischief. If pressed, I’ll go with the scene in her bedroom.
To recap, so far I have Nicole Eggert, Kristy Swanson, early Jamie Pressly and very early, smoking fastball Kelly Preston. I am both dated and victorious. Where’s Mel to give me an A+?
Ultimate sleeper pick:
Sleeper
Gimme the Orgasmatron EVERY day of the week.
Elizabeth Shue in “Cocktail”.
Tom Cruise has been involved in at least 5 selections in this draft… no wonder he’s gay.