The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick! Episode 4: Meeting With The Commish
Vick: Oh man, this is a long ass wait. Ma’am, how long have I been up in this bitch?
Receptionist: Three minutes, Mr. Vick.
Vick: Fuck me, man. You got any other magazines here besides “House Beautiful”?
Receptionist: No, Mr. Vick.
Vick: The fuck, man? I read “King”. Can I get another glass of water?
Receptionist: You’ve had six already.
Vick: I’m so thirsty. God, I’d love to just go swimming. You ever stick your donger in front of the water jet?
Receptionist: No.
Vick: It’s fucking great.
Receptionist: The Commissioner will see you now.
Vick: Nice. (walks into commissioner’s office) Whoa, this is fucking nice. I could sleep here.
Goodell: Hello, Michael.
Vick: This your office?
Goodell: Uh, yes.
Vick: I gotta ask Mr. Home Depot for an office like this. Is that a Geochron? Fucking sweet. I like Russia, because it’s really big.
Goodell: Michael, would you mind taking a seat?
Vick: Not at all, Mr. commissioner man.
Goodell: Michael, we’ve had some concerns about your recent conduct.
Vick: Are these Werther’s Originals?
Goodell: Uh… yes.
Vick: You mind if I have one?
Goodell: Sure, go right ahead.
Vick: These are great. You mind if I just throw the rest of them in my hat for later?
Goodell: Michael, our league office is extremely concerned about what’s been going on in your life. It’s hurting the league’s image.
Vick: Ah man, that’s some bullshit. Like what?
Goodell: Well, the cockfighting.
Vick: I already explained that shit. I don’t even live at that house. I’m never there. Unless there’s a cockfight going on. But it’s not like I ORGANIZE that shit. It’s very spontaneous and free-flowing.
Goodell: And the dog fighting?
Vick: Bob Barker told me to help control the pet population, sir. I take that shit seriously. Jack Russell terriers are fucking feisty!
Goodell: We’ve also heard reports of frequent marijuana use.
Vick: That’s just a flat lie. I would never smoke pot on weekdays. Do you wanna watch a DVD or something? This whole meeting is fucking up my chi.
Goodell: Okay, I’m not gonna dance around it anymore, Mr. Vick. You need to straighten out your act, or else you may find yourself suspended from play.
Vick: WHAT?! That’s horseshit! Can’t nobody do what I do!
Goodell: I know you can run very fast.
Vick: Goddamn right! AND I’ve done good shit, man! I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!
Goodell: We appreciate that, believe me.
Vick: And I went to DC to talk about kids and shit!
Goodell: I thought you missed the flight.
Vick: You ever fly fucking Delta? FUCK DELTA. The one time they aren’t late is the one time I am. I ain’t had nothing to do with that shit!
Goodell: Look, just be careful, okay? You’re an incredibly talented young man, and I’d hate to see you throw it all away.
Vick: You got it, Mr. Tagliabue.
Goodell: Goodell.
Vick: Oh yeah yeah. Forgot about that. It was so sad how that Tagliabue died of lupus and shit.
Goodell: He didn’t die.
Vick: Are you sure?
Goodell: Yes.
Vick: Fuck. Now I owe Marcus five bucks.
Photo courtesy of The Onion
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, michael vick, weed
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May 2nd, 2007 at 11:04 am
Airtran, Delta, same shit, different day.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:13 am
I gotta ask Mr. Home Depot for an office like this.
Priceless.
The whole piece is solid, but even better if you hear the Vick part as a paranoid Tracy Jordan from “30 Rock.”
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:17 am
Was anyone else shocked by the restraint Roger Goodell showed. He didn’t swear a Vick once. Must be because he’s not one of those draft hopefuls.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:20 am
I thought Rog was a bigger badass than this. This meeting implies he has the ability to show compassion and restraint. In actuality I like to think of him as White Pac Man.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:31 am
You ever stick your donger in front of the water jet?
Goddamn that’s funny!!
You know the more BDD writes about Vick, the more I start to think that these conversations actually happen. Can NFL films please put a mic on Micheal Vick during the game and “forget” to take it off after the game’s over?
Wow would that be sweet!!
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:38 am
Vick: … Can’t nobody do what I do!
Goodell: I know you can run very fast.
Yup, that pretty much sums it up.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:41 am
Angry Goodell is strictly flubby’s baby.
Pervert Goodell is strictly Punter’s baby.
I’m left, of course, with rational Goodell.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:44 am
I’m left, of course, with rational Goodell.
So Goodell comes in varieties, like the Seven Dwarves, Spice Girls and Care Bears? Good to know.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:47 am
what about kooky free-wheeling “I’ll switch up the order in which I say the player’s name and position because I fly by the seat of my pants!” Goodell?
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:47 am
who hasn’t stuck their dong in front of a water jet ? good stuff.
also, that picture never gets old.
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:49 am
AND I’ve done good shit, man! I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!
Ha! Great as usual, Drew.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
I’m left, of course, with rational Goodell.
I’m all about Goodell as the Devil.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:05 pm
I don’t know if Rational Goodell is the pick after Angry Goodell and Pervert Goodell come off the board.
Vick is hilarious, but I think I’d rather see Pothead Goodell, Racist Goodell or Sex Cannon Wearing A Mission Impossible Mask Goodell.
“I’m don’t even live at that house. I’m never there. Unless there’s a cockfight going on. But it’s not like I ORGANIZE that shit. It’s very spontaneous.” — that made me laugh my ass off.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Goodell = Illuminati puppet
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Vick: Are these Werther’s Originals?
Goodell: Uh… yes.
Vick: You mind if I have one?
Goodell: Sure, go right ahead.
Vick: These are great. You mind if I just throw the rest of them in my hat for later?
I seriously had to stifle the laughter.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Not at all, Mr. commissioner man
I have officially started reading Vick’s lines with Tracy Jordan’s voice going through my head.
“Thanks for da brew pillsh Dr. Space Maaaaan”
HAAAAAAA!
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Otto, please don’t get me started on another Baby Spice kick.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:42 pm
My prayers have been answered. Thanks, BDD.
Now all we need is Goodell at the concussion conference. Flubby?
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Talk about Baby spice
Talk about Baby spice
Talk about Baby spice
Talk about Baby spice
That should do it.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Every time I see that picture, I think of the giant bag of weed from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.”
And yeah, I was hearing Tracy Jordan’s voice, too, while reading that. My favorite parts:
Vick: Nice. (walks into commissioner’s office) Whoa, this is fucking nice. I could sleep here.
AND
Vick: That’s just a flat lie. I would never smoke pot on weekdays. Do you wanna watch a DVD or something? This whole meeting is fucking up my chi.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:05 pm
How come Vick didn’t ‘take’ a seat?
And I’m totally with Vick on the Werther’s – I’d have taken a couple of handfuls of those things too.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:16 pm
I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!
That’s some ill shit right there. I hate myself a little for laughing. And I thought that dude looked more like Short Round.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:23 pm
And I thought that dude looked more like Short Round.
Well, that’s the same kid, so you’re both right.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Everyone knows well thought-out cockfights are the worst.
Absolutely inspiring, Drew. This is my favorite running series you guys have ever done.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Bob Barker told me to help control the pet population, sir. I take that shit seriously. Jack Russell terriers are fucking feisty!
Hey, rape stands are part of “controlling” the pet population in their own way.
Nice job Drew.
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Damn that shit is funny…im gonna get fired laughing so loud everyday…. can i come work for you fuckers or what?
May 2nd, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Vick: Goddamn right! AND I’ve done good shit, man! I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!
People do not derive laughter from this line need therapy.
Bravo sir.
May 2nd, 2007 at 4:44 pm
where is the mention of Ron Mexico
“hey man i didn’t give no girl herpes…it was some guy named Ron Mexico.”
May 2nd, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Good thing Marcus won that bet, he needs the money after getting cut and all
May 2nd, 2007 at 9:07 pm
If he doesn’t clean up his act, we’ll all be able to read The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick in Federal Pound Me in the Ass Prison.
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:56 am
YES! god I love that movie…and both Vicks need a good ass pounding in prison.