Ladies and gentlemen I’ve got a big announcement for you. Today is my birthday (please hold your applause until a time at which I can hear you).


I’d eat the candle wax out of her ass

Normally I’m quite low-key on this holiest of days. To me there’s really nothing worse than a birthday party, unless it’s a surprise. What kind of sick vindictive bitch could invent such a treacherous form of birthday sabotage? Hey everything’s going your way, now we’ll just throw you in a room with a group of people that you never really liked that much to begin with. Fuck that. Instead I choose to focus on the spiritual nature of the birthday–the wishes.

The wishing.

Every year the true believers are rewarded with a special birthday wish to use as they see fit. It’s your day and you can wish for anything you want (says so in the Bible) be it the death of Cosmo Kramer or the company of a buxom model.

This year I thought I’d share the experience with you, the glorious reader. Help me choose the ultimate birthday wish. I’ve included my finalists for your perusal.

I wish Sarah Shahi would share that cake with a Jewy sports blogger

I wish Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw would just fuck and get it over with

I wish Chris Berman had aphonia

I wish Al Davis was alive

I wish Roger Clemens wasn’t

I wish Allison Stokke was looking at me on the internet

I wish Schrutebag’s ex-wife was more like Jean Strahan

I wish John Clayton would tear out Sean Salisbury’s heart with his bare hands

I wish Mike Vick was haunted by dead pit bulls


I wish Abe Pollin would bake me a cake with a naked Susan O’Malley inside

I wish Brenda Haywood had man-hands to go with the rest of her mannish physique

I wish Caron Butler would come to my house for my birthday

I wish I could procreate with Gilbert Arenas

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away

I wish Dan Snyder wore a top hat

I wish Keyshawn took Tony’s job (then Tony could get back to his real job and Key could tell us if whether or not a given player is in fact an Uncle Tom)

I wish Big Daddy Drew answered my fan mail

I wish I had a stalker

I wish Clinton Portis would come to his first press conference covered with fake blood and dog fur

I wish I could see through my eyelids

I wish the season would just fuckin’ start already

So let me know what you think in the comment section and feel free to offer up further suggestions.