KSK Off Topic: I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller
Ladies and gentlemen I’ve got a big announcement for you. Today is my birthday (please hold your applause until a time at which I can hear you).
Normally I’m quite low-key on this holiest of days. To me there’s really nothing worse than a birthday party, unless it’s a surprise. What kind of sick vindictive bitch could invent such a treacherous form of birthday sabotage? Hey everything’s going your way, now we’ll just throw you in a room with a group of people that you never really liked that much to begin with. Fuck that. Instead I choose to focus on the spiritual nature of the birthday–the wishes.
The wishing.
Every year the true believers are rewarded with a special birthday wish to use as they see fit. It’s your day and you can wish for anything you want (says so in the Bible) be it the death of Cosmo Kramer or the company of a buxom model.
This year I thought I’d share the experience with you, the glorious reader. Help me choose the ultimate birthday wish. I’ve included my finalists for your perusal.
I wish Sarah Shahi would share that cake with a Jewy sports blogger
I wish Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw would just fuck and get it over with
I wish Chris Berman had aphonia
I wish Al Davis was alive
I wish Roger Clemens wasn’t
I wish Allison Stokke was looking at me on the internet
I wish Schrutebag’s ex-wife was more like Jean Strahan
I wish John Clayton would tear out Sean Salisbury’s heart with his bare hands
I wish Mike Vick was haunted by dead pit bulls
I wish Abe Pollin would bake me a cake with a naked Susan O’Malley inside
I wish Brenda Haywood had man-hands to go with the rest of her mannish physique
I wish Caron Butler would come to my house for my birthday
I wish I could procreate with Gilbert Arenas
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away
I wish Dan Snyder wore a top hat
I wish Keyshawn took Tony’s job (then Tony could get back to his real job and Key could tell us if whether or not a given player is in fact an Uncle Tom)
I wish Big Daddy Drew answered my fan mail
I wish I had a stalker
I wish Clinton Portis would come to his first press conference covered with fake blood and dog fur
I wish I could see through my eyelids
I wish the season would just fuckin’ start already
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Tags: happy birthday to me, off-topic, Unsilent Majority, Wishing upon a weinstein
May 30th, 2007 at 8:48 am
Unsilent wishes for 18 more blogs to be affiliated with.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:51 am
I wish that Falco was alive.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:58 am
Happy 13th birthday! Looking forward to your bar mitzvah. Hope you have many Gilbert ice sculptures.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:59 am
Oh, and happy birthday UM. What will you be getting drunk on this morning?
May 30th, 2007 at 9:06 am
I wish leoshi would talk to mebecause shes really fine.
how bout I wish farve would just retire
that peter king burns his hands on coffe and never writes again.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:14 am
i wish i didn’t have to look up what aphonia is and that the bills find a way to make the play-offs this season.
Aphonia is the medical term for the inability to speak.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:21 am
I wish there were more Skee-Lo references in this blog.
I wish UM weren’t from DC, then I could enjoy his writing more.
I wish UM a happy birthday.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:25 am
I wish the Yankees didn’t suck so bad.
And I wish I was there to buy you a drink - Happy Birthday UM.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:36 am
I wish Michael Vick was on the field in cat pelt facing an angry pack of pit bulls chasing him instead of linemen.
How’s that for a sport, bitch?
May 30th, 2007 at 9:36 am
happy birthday, UM!
May 30th, 2007 at 9:37 am
I wish I was a neutron bomb. For once I could go off.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:41 am
UM wishes his dickcicle wouldnt keep melting at the worst times…
“Don’t worry honey it happens to a lot of guys”
“What do you mean a lot of guys, how many guys do you have to fuck in order to have this happen a few times, you slut”
:Whop: :Bam: :Doing!!!:
May 30th, 2007 at 9:49 am
I wish Dan Synder would just into a industrial dryer with Magic Johnson and a fist full of razor blades.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:49 am
I wish I could party with Pacman, and avoid the law like Chris Henry.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:50 am
BTW, i was just joking, Happy Birthday!
May 30th, 2007 at 9:51 am
i wish that UM’s long awaited negroplasty operation goes smoothly
May 30th, 2007 at 9:58 am
I wish the wings didnt lose
i wish the tigers fallowed through last year
and i wish the lions didnt make me want to kill myself
May 30th, 2007 at 9:59 am
I don’t know if its possible to come up with a better wish than seeing through one’s eyelids. Good luck with that one.
And is that dog from Pittsburgh?
May 30th, 2007 at 10:08 am
i wish that UM’s long awaited negroplasty operation goes smoothly.
Now that’s funny.
Happy birthday UM - glad to see you finally made it to legal drinking age!!!
I wish that Southeast Jerome showed up at your house to take you the Nexus Gold Club so that you coud get yer freak on.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:22 am
I R WISHING KSK USES MOAR LOLCATZ/LOLDAWGZ!
k thx bai
May 30th, 2007 at 10:27 am
“I wish Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw would just fuck and get it over with”
Replace Goodell with Clemens and Gene Upshaw with Andy Pettite.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Have you thought about possibly… a fur jacket? Maybe a flying car? Or who knows… a planet full of unicorns?
May 30th, 2007 at 10:55 am
Some fine wishes, sir. Others to consider:
-to have Sarah Shahi demand that you smoke the weed bikini she happens to be wearing off of her, bud by delicious bud
-to have a private luxury bathroom at work
-for Lupica to have been the one to get that hip replacement
-to get your rug back
May 30th, 2007 at 10:59 am
@grimy…I’ve got to go watch that again now.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:01 am
The season fucking starting, followed by the banning of soccer. Keep on wishin UM, keep on wishin.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:03 am
I wish this wish was a spliff (or a fifth) so I can get all fucked up.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:07 am
I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you
Be with you somehow
I know you’re in a better place
And you know I can see your face
I know you’re smiling down on me
Saying everything’s okay
And if I never leave this thug life
I’ll see you again someday
I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish
oh, and lots of fire bud for me and UM on his birthday
May 30th, 2007 at 11:32 am
May you be blessed with a bountiful harvest of matzah balls, titties, and bong rips.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:37 am
May you be blessed with a bountiful harvest of matzah balls, titties, and bong rips.
that might be the perfect birthday
May 30th, 2007 at 11:48 am
Wish that all the talk about Jason Campbell being about to have a Pro Bowl year comes true.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Awful Chief w/ the win…
the weed bikini one.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:58 am
I wish I had a soul.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:58 am
Happy birthday UM!!
May 30th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Wait, I thought Josch got punted by MMP yesterday.
Did someone wish him back? Someone who misses Clint?
May 30th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
I wish the Sex Cannon weren’t bi.
http://img.waffleimages.com/390b2761f34368bf1b8d3b5a1d6dad9ad6f46283/390b2761f34368bf1b8d3b5a1d6dad9ad6f46283.jpg
May 30th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Fixed.
May 30th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
MMP is officially the protector of all that is safe and holy. I shall knight thee, Sir Punter, ruler of Planet Unicorn.
May 30th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
MMP, I rarely use the word hero. But you, sir, are the greatest hero in American history.
May 30th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Greatest Hero in American History? That’s a pretty sexy title.
May 30th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
I wish i didn’t have to check the towel for poop now after i shower.
Damn you Gay Mafia
May 30th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
how is attacking people by calling them a bunch of cunts joking ?
May 30th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Wow, the whole elitist hypocrisy thing is real.
How exactly have people here been hypocritical? Do you even know what that word means, or did it just sound so cool coming out of Rush Limbaugh’s mouth?
May 30th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Let the crying elsewhere begin!
May 30th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Hold on, William Katt is the only Greatest American Hero.
“Believe it or not, George isn’t at home. So leave a mess-age at the beep.”
May 30th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
I’m sooooo confused someone was punted, MMP now has a fur coat and a flying car and is a hero.
If only I was one of those new york times cross-dressing, er puzzle doing fellows.
May 30th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
“How exactly have people here been hypocritical? Do you even know what that word means, or did it just sound so cool coming out of Rush Limbaugh’s mouth?”
i think otto just admitted that rush limbaugh is cool (just kidding).
May 30th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
i think otto just admitted that rush limbaugh is cool (just kidding).
My TV tells me that anyone who makes that much cash and is that addicted to illegal drugs is automatically cool. And his sense of style? Amazing.
And then I remember this is Limpdick we’re talking about.
May 30th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Otto, did you read his radio transcript about his run-in with Bill Clinton?
May 30th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
No, where can I see that?
May 30th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Priceless self pomp…
http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/home/letters/Rush_Meets_Former_President_Bill_Clinton.guest.html
May 30th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
I’ll be your stalker if you want.
I’d have to do it from the ‘burbs though, because I only go into DC for million something marches and when I’m being arraigned. Oh, and for male prostitutes, but that’s only on special occasions.
May 30th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
That’s some priceless egomania there, Burnsy.
I like how he implies at the end that the former president and mayor of L.A. chose the same restaurant as him because they were groupies. Yeesh.
May 30th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I wish seasons of “The Shield” were longer than 10 episodes.
May 30th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
I wish “summer hours” meant not actually ever having to go to work.
Happy Birthday, UM.
May 30th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
I iz in Mike Vick’s bakyard, ruinin hiz career.
May 30th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I wish seasons of “The Shield” were longer than 10 episodes.
I’ll second that emotion. Luckily, they cram in more per episode than any other drama except “The Wire.”
May 30th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Susan O’Malley? Dood, she was the chick in the car with Jerry Buss. More like 23 cubed.
May 30th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
I wish the new season of The Wire was coming out this summer instead of January ‘08.
May 30th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Please tell me everyone has seen that Bang Cartoons video making fun of Vick, Williams, Pacman, Far-v-re, and Henry.
I’m usually one of the last to see anything funny on the internet, so I don’t need to post it - as ya’ll are more than likely better interneters than me.
May 30th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Your right Otto, I can’t wait for the new season Rescue Me to start either. Just have to be patient.
May 30th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
I wish for a federal law that eliminates such things as last call or bars closing.
I also wish UM a happy birthday.
May 30th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
I wish Slippy would quit getting into trouble every time I go into battle.
May 30th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Happy b-day, UM! Are you gonna get 50 Cent or Peyton to come to your bar mitzvah?
May 30th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
I wish UM could take a boat ride on my friend’s boat, while enjoying some of the local smoke and some fine moonshine.
May 30th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
you know i’m scared of that boat.
50 and Peyton will both be at the party, but they’ll be fighting to the death. I’m rooting for the rare double knockout.
thanks to the well-wishers. the rest of you can piss off.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Piss off? What are you now Jewish, black, AND British?
Happy bday Grumpy.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
Happy Birthday, UM!
Stop being gay and jocking D.C. athletes and wishing you could conceive their chidren.
Oh wait, this is the KSK Gay Mafia . . . carry on.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
I wish Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw would just fuck and get it over with
Very nice.
Happy bday, your Jewness
May 30th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
I wish for a weaker-than-usual Redskins defense. Oh, and a heart.
Happy Birthday, UM. I hope all your wishes come true.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
I wish I weren’t studying for the bar.
I also wish for a sense of humor that isn’t busted…
busted like your mom’s hymen!
no wait…like your mom’s FACE.
umm…see?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, UM!!!
May 31st, 2007 at 11:02 am
I wish it weren’t going to be 92 fucking degrees in DC today and it’s still only May.
Happy Birthday!