Last week ESPN’s primary source of breaking news–Mike and Mike In the Morning–informed us that their buddy Mark Schlereth has a new gig. The Big Stinky will be moonlighting as Detective Rock Hoover (a name of his own creation) on Guiding Light, a show older than Philo T. Farnsworth himself.

Stink is set to become the second ESPN television “personality” to crossover into the world of retarded housewives the beautiful people after Stephen A. Smith agreed to a cameo on General Hospital. Now we all know what prompted Smith to make an ass of himself…

…but why would Schlereth stoop to such lows? I can still remember when he was known for being one hardcore motherfucking lineman and know it’s come to this?

Top Ten Reasons Mark Schlereth Wants to Be a Soap Star

10. ESPN’s health plan cut him off at the knees

9. Mike Shanahan is attached to direct

8. He’d rather die than be upstaged by his daughter

That’s Alexandria on the far right left, definitely the left. And yes, this whole post is just an excuse to show you pictures of another pundit’s daughter

7. He’s bi-curious and Salisbury is too much of a closet case to experiment with him

6. He was looking for a more professional work environment

5. He’s tired of ESPN dumbing him down for their audience

4. Some people still respected him

3. He thought Guiding Light was the “Man Law” thing

2. Always dreamed of playing a guy named Rock Hoover–all the gayness of Rock Hudson with the added suck-factor of vacuum cleaner

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OK, that post was thrown together with a bit of haste. Here’s another picture of Alexandria Schlereth.