Are You Telling Me This Guy Doesn’t Know How To Please A Woman?
We’ve made so much fun of Brady Quinn this week. I think the guy deserves a break. Time to go back to one of our favorite whipping boys.
It’s easy to discount the spiritual impact of basketball crowds if
you haven’t attended a playoff game with special fans before. There’s
no way to understand it unless it definitely has happened to you. Then
you know. As strange as this sounds, it’s like a woman being unable to
tell whether she’s ever had an orgasm. If she thinks it might have
happened, or it felt like it kind of happened one time… it didn’t
happen. When it happens, they know. Then they feel stupid for all the
other times when they thought it had happened.
All the other times, eh? How many times are we talking about? Dozen? Couple hundred? To be fair, it is hard to bring a woman to climax when you’re busy being overly impressed with yourself. You do actually have to do some work to bring a lady to Pleasuretown. Like Sam Kinison, I do The Alphabet. But I shan’t elaborate.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, bill simmons, have you tried the anal intruder?, low hanging fruit
May 4th, 2007 at 10:56 am
yeah, uh, i think the orgasm line puts him way way way way way way way over the shark if he wasn’t there already.
most horrifying sentence in a simmons column ever.
May 4th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Maybe he was referring to the Dooze.
May 4th, 2007 at 10:59 am
What the hell is he talking about? Sports? The mystery of life? WTF?
May 4th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Like Sam Kinison, I do The Alphabet. But I shan’t elaborate.
is there a knuckle involved in any way?
May 4th, 2007 at 11:04 am
I love Simmons and will read anything he writes, but I almost vomited when I saw this yesterday. First he’s an instant expert on college hoops, now he’s giving us some wisdom on the female orgasm. His insight knows no bounds.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Sorry I know this off topic and probably extrememly old, but speaking of weird shit have you guys heard this?
May 4th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Maybe he should try the Smoky Tornado with the Sports Gal.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Nothing says romance like “lemme know.”
May 4th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Bill Simmons – just the man I’ve always wanted to discuss the mysteries of the female orgasm with.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:15 am
whaddadouche
May 4th, 2007 at 11:17 am
No, Mr. Simmons, I do not wish to see your ‘O’ face.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:20 am
good point Lt. Winslow. working in a digit along with the alphabet technique always works.
as for simmons, that was just weird.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:21 am
God bless you, Drew, for making light of this. He can’t be mocked enough for this.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:28 am
is there a knuckle involved in any way?
No, I use a clockwise swirl.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I think the alphabet and the hook works pretty well.
WV – cntmh
May 4th, 2007 at 11:32 am
I’m pretty sure that paragraph led to more “I like Simmons, but …” sentiments than anything else he’s written. Ever.
I mean, I like Simmons, but … Jesus. Reading that gave me the same weird feeling I get from watching “Very Bad Things” in its entirety (albeit without the erection). Simmons writing about sex is like Easterbrook writing about … well, sex, I guess. Bad juju.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:34 am
that simmons article was full of way too much sexual frustrattion.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:43 am
Simmons is like the Luke Skywalker of shitty sports metaphors and Peter King is Darth Vader.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:49 am
It’s tough to make your wife orgasm when adventurous role playing always involves a fake Larry Bird mustache and a Belichik hoodie.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:49 am
I haven’t decided if I like the “Have you tried the Anal Intruder?” or the “Low hanging fruit” tag better.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:53 am
So my buddy J-Bug and I were talking..
“J-Bug, have I brought you to orgasm?”
“You know, TSG..I think you have. Maybe?”
May 4th, 2007 at 11:54 am
…yep these are my balls
May 4th, 2007 at 11:56 am
i’m guessing that the red sox fans out there can’t be too happy with the picture of simmons in a sox jersey.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Funny, Otto, I use a counter-clockwise swirl.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
I prefer clockwise, but it’s not written in stone.
As long as you don’t use a pinch. This isn’t some parlor trick.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
He’s actually right, I know girls who are like, “I think I’ve had an orgasm” and I’m like, “uh, no you didn’t.”
Also, I’m not crazy about his stuff, but I think Simmons is cute.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
…also, It’d been like 3 months since I weaned my self off of his junk. Thanks for reminding me how much of an untallented prick he’s become.
And Ms. Andrea, Cute, he looks like an ape. As a black dude, if anyone ever tries to call me an ape or a monkey or any shit slinging mammal I’m going to show them that picture…and you think that’s cute? Pft.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Hey dude, I’m entitled to my taste. I’m sure there’s some chick you think is cute that I would disagree with.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
ladyandrea: You have friends who are out of college saying that? Seriously?
May 4th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I think Suzy Shuster is cute. What’s wrong with that?
May 4th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I’ve just read Bill Simmons writing about orgasms. I will now light myself on fire, chew tin foil, jab a fork in my eye, play in traffic and run my testicles across a cheese grater.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Cue 20 or so guys asking Andrea where her and her friends live.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
@ LadyAndrea Not trying to insult you, if you like apes, this is america and you’re allowed to do that in some states. I’m just saying, does it have to be THAT ape?
May 4th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
@wormfather.
Simmons is pretty good at throwing feces and making it stick. Hell of a talented ape.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
I will now light myself on fire, chew tin foil, jab a fork in my eye, play in traffic and run my testicles across a cheese grater.
Funny, that used to be how Simmons tried to get women to orgasm. No wonder it never worked.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
now the sports gal can die in peace.
how she achieved her first o with a little help from jbug and the dooze.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Well, they don’t say that now that we’ve talked about it. But I’m fairly certain there have been no Os for the girls in question.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
What?
May 4th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
For some reason, he’s the last person I want to know has had sex, especially with that squirrely voice of his, so that paragraph is producing things I need to unsee, quickly.
Funny. I don’t usually like to get drunk before going to work. Oh well.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
I learned everything I ever needed to know from commedians like Sam Kinnison. RIP.
That being said, the female orgasm doesn’t exist.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
ladyandrea: That’s actually sadder to me than Bill Simmons using sex analogies in his column. Buy them all vibrators for their birthdays.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Awwww, Slickbomb. Your poor girlfriend.
I keep trying to get them double-click their own mouses, Redhead.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
the comments have taken a somewhat unexpected and enjoyable turn.
a couple of ladies discussing sex toys and self pleasuring activites is never a bad thing.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I keep trying to get them double-click their own mouses, Redhead.
Zing! Remember folks — no children allowed for Lady Andrea’s routine. She tends to work a little blue.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
He’s such an untamed beast.
And he’s so crazy with that ‘POSADA IS A LITTLE BITCH’ shirt showing through his Sox jersey.
What a wildman.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Who needs Cinemax when I can just pull up the Bill Simmons orgasm comment thread?
May 4th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
The alphabet was Sam’s gift to the world. A gift that keeps on giving….
May 4th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
He’s poor attempt at growing a beard reminds of the Beavis and Butthead episode where they glued hair on their face to pick up chicks.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
I think Bill’s wife’s response to him asking her if she had an orgasm is my word verification: YAWEN…..Lady Andrea, better send Mrs. Bill an extra sex toy.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
God, why are Massholes such Massholes?
I detest them even more now.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
I thought the funny part was when he said:
“Then they feel stupid for all the other times when they thought it had happened”
Right. They felt stupid. What, you thought they called you Bill “pinky finger” Simmons because of your spot-on Dr. Evil impression?
May 4th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Otto Man, my 7 pm show has me making balloon animals while doing the Charleston, then spinning plates while “Lady of Spain” plays.
My 10 pm show is Adults Only.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
10pm it is, then.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
She tends to work blue balls.
fixed
May 4th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Speaking of busting balls, are we going to get the winners for the Brady Quinn Caption Contest?
May 4th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
So is smoking allowed at the 10pm show?
May 4th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
good point otto. i think alot of us are eagerly awaiting the results from the caption contest.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Chris, smoking is allowed. I’m always smoking *ba dump ching*
Otto Man, I feel like I used up my good one over at Deadspin. It’s a damn shame.
“Is this how you take a few strokes off your game?”
May 4th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Lady Andrea can I make a request for you to wear my old Sid Breem jersey or is that a little too weird?
May 4th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Uhhhh, okay.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Never mind I forget the majority of commenter’s are from the north. Also I meant Bream.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
LadyAndrea and Redhead, they also make shower heads for things like that. Being able to walk into Bed, Bath, and Beyond and buy a sex toy is a beautiful thing.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
I feel the same way about Home Depot, Laura.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
you could also feel the same way about the produce section at your local grocery store.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
And PetSmart.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Oh god…nothing turns me on more than Bill Simmons regurgitating tired misogynistic shit.
Does his shirt say “sad little bitches”?
May 4th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
beaverfever, that’s much less hygienic.
burnsy, Home Depot is a sexy place.
chris, we’re not all Yankees here.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Let’s forget the subject matter of this paragraph for a moment and focus instead on its painfully awkward syntax. The fact that this man makes a living as a writer is embarassing.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Becky was supposed to be the opening act, but unfortunatly, she hit the sauce a little early and was drunk around 3PM.
And I’m still stuck at this desk for another 2 hours.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
chris, we’re not all Yankees here.
Seriously. Screaming Sid Bream’s fat old ass all the way to home plate is one of my finer Braves memories.
But ever since Leo Mazzone tried to seduce me, well, I try not to think about it too much.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
I am going to look onpy at the introductory clause of this statement:
“It’s easy to discount the spiritual impact of basketball crowds if you haven’t attended a playoff game with special fans before.”
Did he really mean to say “spiritual”?
Really?
Hey, you want to talk about an “emotional” impact, that is fine, but, to describe it as “spiritual” simply demonstrates that he has no grasp of the meaning of the word. Even if it is a simile, it is an improper one as the hyperbole serves to detract from the credibiity of his argument rather than enhance it.
In other words…. he is a jerk-off who should not get paid to write for a living.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
and by “onpy” I mean “only”
(which is why I have a secretary)
May 4th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
As a native of such a seafaring town, you’d think Simmons would have at least a rudimentary knowledge of the man in the rowboat.
May 4th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
That man is going to have some serious jowels when he gets old.
May 4th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
What the fuck? When did KSK turn into an unfunny message board? Can we stick to funny comments?
I obviously don’t have one.
May 4th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
So clint has been reincarnated as danny g?
May 4th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Genius by SMP.
I just feel bad for the guy. Just remember Bill, your lady’s orgasm is kinda like an expensive suit with no price tag. If you have to ask…..
May 4th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I was wondering when Hench or J-Bug would stop by under the handle “Admiral Lovejuice” to tell us all to get lives and stop being jealous of TSG, but I guess Danny was close enough.
And Laura, it’s a good thing you didn’t go with Lowe’s because then you’d be a fag hag.
May 4th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
@Laura, thats good because I was starting to get a bit worried. I am going to go chug a glass of sweet tea now.
May 4th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
sweet tea kicks major ass. can’t find that shit anywhere up north. i always have to order unsweetened iced tea and then doctor it up with sweet-n-low. sweet tea is one more reason why this yankee likes the south.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Sweat Tea is like crack without the upside. I can’t stand the stuff.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
@Consigliari
Genious, I love it, bravo.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Actually, burnsy, I prefer the local hardware store even over Home Depot, but both make Lowe’s look like a chode.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
Chris, drink some tea for me! And Go Braves!
beaverfever – we don’t put sugar in out cornbread and put it in the tea.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
When I’m finished I prefer to stare into her eyes, or the back of her neck, and whisper “to be continued.”
/Attell
May 4th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Chris & Burnsy-
I was referring to the comment section, no problems w/ the posts. Can’t stand the side conversations and unrelated banter.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
laura, you lost me there for a second. so let me get this straight cornbread = no sugar, tea = sugar.
and bill simmons still sucks.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
beaverfever, sorry, my post was poorly written, but you’ve got it.
I had too much fun with Simmons’ running blog during the NCAAs to not appreciate him.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
I’m hoping Simmons goes into his airplane food or men and women are different material next
May 4th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
@Beaverfever – exactly
Also you guys don’t rock the fried okra up north either.
May 4th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
@Hawkins
Brilliant. Here’s a sneak peak of Simmons’ next article:
“If the professor can build a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix the hole in the boat?”
What was once a poignant observer of pop culture and sports has degenerated into open mic night at Rooster T Feathers.
May 4th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Isn’t he paraphrasing dialogue from American Pie?
May 4th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Im not sure that makes it any better.
May 4th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
This might have been my most favorite comment thread ever.
I love you KSK people. Its made my long day now enjoyable after that damned AIA Convention.
word verif: zkuhiwgz – about the only thing I can manage to speak after 2 days of saying the same sales pitch over and over again.
May 4th, 2007 at 10:42 pm
I think we all feel even more sorry for the sports gal now…..
May 4th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
I never knew Howard K. Stern was a Red Sox fan.
May 5th, 2007 at 3:01 am
Dude, he looks like fuckin Quagire from family guy. No seriously, he does.
May 5th, 2007 at 3:12 am
@clutch247:
Holy shit. I can imagine him saying “Giggity!” repeatedly.
May 5th, 2007 at 3:21 am
What’s funny to me….all these 20-something young boys who don’t even get what he’s saying because they’ve never actually given a girl an orgasm but think they have…
guess what boys, if you had ever “converted” a girl to a woman before, you’d know what he was talking about. And yes, the woman feels stupid, because she was fooling herself the whole time.
Simmons’ mistake: writing above the understanding of the children who read him.
;) hardee har har…please don’t be too mad guys…
May 5th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Sweat Tea is like crack without the upside. I can’t stand the stuff.
Well, I think I may have discovered your problem. It’s “sweet tea” and not “sweat tea.” If you’re adding perspiration to the tea, it’s going to taste like shit.
May 5th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Shockingly, this is the first post with the “Have you tried the anal intruder?” tag. I expected better of you, or rather worse.
May 5th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
i wonder where simmons read this? in his l.a. or boston home? maybe he read it after renewing his celtics or clippers season tickets? or maybe he read it after writing his espn column millions will read. i don’t really know. don’t be so goddamn jealous. don’t hate the player, hate the game. you were just a few years behind the curve.
May 6th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Why has no one mentioned his list of games the crowd helped the Celtics win? Those “we swung the outcome of six series” – and he includes the 1991 Indiana Pacers! The 41 – 41 Indiana Pacers! That was a team you needed the crowd to swing for you?
Okay, maybe he meant the 1991-1992 Pacers or the 1989-1990 Pacers. No, they both won about 41 games too. That inclusion is by far the most egregious (The Celtics had 15 more wins than the 1991 Pacers, but were pushed to the brink of elimination), but the Celtics had more wins than just about all those other teams too.
This is the internet Bill, people check you on that sort of BS.
May 7th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
bradswint@yahoo.com:
Millions of people paid money to see A-Rod play baseball last season. Should those criticizing his then-lackluster play have stopped hating the player and instead hated the game? Were they all just jealous? Or how about people who thought any number of box office successes sucked? Are they jealous of the filmmakers? Norbit was seen by millions of people (sadly), but I guess saying that movie looked like dogshit is just jealous.
I love the “jealousy” defense of Simmons and citing the number of Simmons’ readers as to why he’s untouchable. I don’t think the disdain for Simmons stems from jealousy so much as it does 1. his laziness of repeating the same topics over and over again and 2. his tendency to shit on both print journalists and bloggers. He’s the Man of the People who once he got to the top became paranoid and complacement.
In Simmons’ style, think of it this way: he’s the Rocky from Part III who lost touch with what made him champ — pre-Clubber Lang beatdown, of course.
Of course, I guess by your rationale I’m just another “player hater,” since apparently writers are free from criticism. Maybe the same should be said for athletes and movies. Don’t have an opinion on anything, otherwise you’re just jealous!
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:16 pm
gr8 post bro