From the desk of Roger Goodell, Commmissioner National Football Leagye

To: Brian Urlacher

Re: Courtesy reminder on official NFL player apparel policy

Do you know what ‘Official Sports Drink of the NFL’ means, Brian? It means if you show up at Media Day wearing a faggy hat pimping some bullshit fortified water, I am going to fine your ass six-figures. Capiche, dickhead?

I am through playing around you bastards. David Stern thinks he is some kind of a hardass??? I’ll show him a what a hardass really is. He wants to suspend a referee for the playoffs??? I’ll push a referee down a fucking elevator shaft if they so much as look at me sideways. No more vitaminwater hats, Brian. And if you cross me one more time, I swear on all that is holy, I will make your life a living hell, do you understand me you miserable prick? With me, you do not fuck.

But to make it up to you I want to introduce you to some newly approved official NFL apparel, just for you. Enjoy, cockmunch.

Yours truly,

Rog