You know, we have rules in our mock draft for a reason. They give us definitive parameters that keep us from arguing needlessly, and it tends to keep things from getting too fantastic.

And yet every fuckin’ week, the commenters have a race to ignore the rules that we carefully set down. Several weeks after the “Actions Scenes We Want to Be a Part of” Draft (note the emphasis), I heard from a reader who just COULDN’T BELIEVE no one picked the 12-minute single-cut scene from the end of Children of Men. Oh, really? Clive Owen spends the entire scene running for his fucking life ’cause he doesn’t have a gun. What part of that do you want to be a part of? “Well, yeah, but it was a cool scene.” For fuck’s sake, LOOK AT THE RULES.

These are the parameters for this week (pretty loose, because by this point we’re self-policing):

“These are animals for our own personal zoo. You do not need to upkeep these animals. A personal zookeeper and corresponding ecosystem will be provided. Must be current species, so no megalodons or T-Rexes. As always, serpentine draft order.”

1. flubby: Elephant

I imagine once you own an elephant, it sort of consumes your public persona. Instead of being referred to as “that one guy who and has a kickass job and is hung like a clydesdale plus he has the waaay hot wife and the best looking kid in town” as I am now, I would be simply known to all as “that guy with the elephant.” Still, it would be worth it, especially if it would use its trunk to help me wash my trunk. I think I saw that once on either “National Geographic” or “The Flintstones.”

2. Captain Caveman (hey, that’s me!): Grizzly-Polar Bear Hybrid

Not only is it extremely rare (thus leading to huge profits for my personal zoo), but I choose to believe that this hybrid combines all the deadliest aspects of both species. Gifted swimmer. Powerful digger. Godless. Killing. Machine.

(I also did this for the good of the draft. By picking the hybrid, I’ve trumped anyone’s ability to claim either the polar bear or grizzly bear, thus preventing what could have been a dispute about whether all bears should be off the board after one bear is selected.)

Drew: It needs a catchier name. Polar Bizz-ear!

flub: (from Wiki) “the offspring of a male Polar bear and a female Grizzly would be a “Pizzly bear,” while the offspring of a male Grizzly and a female Polar bear would be a “Grolar bear.”"

Drew: Fo shizzle my grizzle!

3. Monday Morning Punter: Tyrannosaurus Rex

The baddest animal in all the land, at least until that meteor came. I did not see a moratorium on extinct animals.

MMP was then sent to the Asshole Box for five minutes.

3. MMP, take 2: Hedgehog

The hedgehog is a dynamite little animal. So much so that they’re illegal in many states and can’t be taken on planes. There have been video games named after them. The infield fly rule was created by a hedgehog, and two hedgehogs currently sit on the US Supreme Court. Some of these are even true.

He has plans to name it “Renaldo Balkman.”

4. Big Daddy Drew: Great White Shark


If I own a great white shark, that means I can watch it eat shit all day long. I’d do massive bong hits all morning, then just park my ass in front of the aquarium and watch him go to town. It would be like Shark Week, only just for me. And if someone were to fall into my tank “by accident”, well there wouldn’t be much evidence left over.

5. Christmas Ape: Giant Panda

Women adore them. Like China, I can rent the stupid thing to a zoo for millions of dollars and take it back on a whim. Also, despite cuteness, giant pandas are sufficiently adept at people killing. I may get tired of the sexual harassment lectures, however.


6. Unsilent Majority: Gorilla

Have you seen a fucking gorilla? Those are some badass motherfuckers and they’re smarter than the average NFL GM. They are the greatest animal in existence.

7. UM: Chimpanzee

If movies have taught us anything it’s that chimps are the world’s funniest and most useful animal. They can operate flight simulators but they’re also cool just chillin out, smoking pot, and joyriding.

8. Xmas Ape: White Tiger


All the benefits of a regular tiger but the cachet of rarity. Forget zip code or membership to exclusive clubs, the real ticket to the elite is white tiger ownership. KSK spokescat Jean Grey probably needs a friend anyway, even if it’s one that could eat her in one bite.

9. Drew: Giant Crocodile

Crikey! Isn’t she a beauuuuty?! It nearly bit off me chuzzwuzzers! Let’s go drink and shandy and bask in the glow of this MAGNIFICENT creature. Oh, and I’d definitely store my croc in the galley of my yacht to attack unsuspecting black partners, ala Sonny Crockett.

10. MMP: Lion

I didn’t see anyone pick a Lion. I’m taking the Lion. It’s tough to be King of the Jungle and still have great hair.

11. CC: Prairie Dog Colony

Is it a badass pick? Not at all. But the prairie dogs never have an off day. They’re always coming out of their holes, standing on hind legs, squeaking at each other, chasing each other around… I’ll say it: the prairie dogs are cute. And ladies love cute animals. Cute animals at my private zoo are gonna get me laid.

Naturally, Drew objected to my pick, contending that I should only get one prairie dog, because married people hate it when single people get laid. The Draft Committee discussed the complaint, and ruled in favor of me getting the colony. Bada bing.

flub: “Also, Dude, colony is not the preferred nomenclature. Prairie dog town, please.”

12. flub: Giraffe

I might name it Allison Janney, but probably not. Elephant and giraffe with my first two picks? My menagerie owns.

13. flub: Thylacine

Whether or not thylacines still exist in Tasmania is the subject of some debate. The last one in captivity died nearly 100 years ago. But since we are allowing “theoretical” animals like the pizzly in, I want this one. I mean just look at it. Bad ass. Who’s sneaking in my back yard? No one, that’s who.

Pizzly bear theoretical? My ass. Did he not see the Wikipedia page? Still, a good pick. I don’t think we’ve seen an animal unhinge its jaw like that since Linda Lovelace.

14. CC: Snow Leopard.


Every time I go to the zoo, the lions and tigers are just sitting around being lazy fucks. Not the snow leopard. It just stalks around, pissed off at the world that it’s in a confined area. It’s ready to kick some ass. Which is great, because I’ve got extra prairie dogs.

Also, it looks kinda cute = me getting laid. Yes!

UM: nice pick whitey!

15. MMP: Penguins

They have their own movies. They drink coke. They’re well-dressed. And they have 2 Stanley Cups.


16. Drew: Hippos

A hog and a frog
Cavort in the bog
But not the hippopotamus

And you know why? Because the hippo was too busy laying in wait in the river, hoping to fucking swallow them both whole. Hippos: cute AND deadly. And BIG!

17. Xmas Ape: Bald Eagle

Ufford’s patriotic bona fides are already well in place, but, as a journalist, I’m branded a traitor and a commie on a daily basis. Now, should the allegation arise, all I need to do is produce Christmas Eagle (now THAT’S American) to dispel any such notions. Then have it peck the bastard’s eyes out.

18. UM: Australian Sea Lion

That’s one damn cute animal. They’re adept in the water and equally comfortable poolside, but they might best be served as wingmen at the bar. from Wiki: The males fight other males from very young to establish their individual positions in the male hierarchy and during the breeding season, dominant males will guard females for the right to breed with her when she comes into oestrus.

God damn right.

Where did we fuck up? Tell us we should have taken Children of Men in the comments.