The Masters is the most poetic four days on the sports calendar (yeah it’s a sport, get over it). Every year the tournament offers up the sweet smells and dulcet tones of spring, and that’s just Jim Nantz (he bathes in rosewater). The rich history oozes out of Augusta in the form of the names given to the different landmarks ranging from Rae’s Creek to Simon Legree’s Bench Eisenhower’s Tree, even the individual holes are named for the flowers that grace the hallowed grounds. Those all-male clubs sure know how to exude masculinity!

The first Masters.

So why can’t the NFL get in on the fun? As Uncle Shlomo has taught us, nicknames make everything better. Considering the modern trend of selling stadium naming rights to some piece of shit corporation nobody needs a good pseudonym like an NFL stadium. Here are a few ideas to get things started (note: some stadiums already have nicknames but they invariably suck).

Lambeau Field- “The Frozen Tundra” had a nice run thanks to the greatness of NFL Films but it’s due for an update. I’m thinking Witch’s Tit, it’s cold as a bitch and Bill Simmons could suckle at it all day.

University of Phoenix Stadium- I know what you’re thinking, it rolls off the tongue like a proposition from Matt Leinart. With the “Pink Taco” idea is already off the board we have to go to the next best option. So we’ve got a giant futuristic building that’s been erected in the middle of the Arizona desert. I give you, Bio-Dome.

Hubert Humphrey Metrodome- The original Triple H still means a lot to the people of Minnesota and I just don’t get it. If he was such an advocate of civil rights then what’s with the roof design? I dub thee Fuhrer’s Flower.

FedEx Field- The biggest stadium in the league belongs to one of the league’s most diminutive owners. From here on out it should be known as Overcompensation.

McAfee Colesium- I love the idea of the dirtiest fans in America occupying in a building named for a virus blocker. So all you residents of the Black Hole have a new home, Quarantine. It’s just what I’d like to do with all the country’s Raider fans. You just know they’re contagious.

Heinz Field- They call it the “Ketchup Bottle” because there’s a big ketchup bottle on one of the scoreboards. Real creative you fuckin’ yinzers! I prefer Mustard Gas, if you don’t understand just grab a bright yellow seat behind a fat guy eating a Roethlisberger.

M&T Bank Stadium- I’ve always called it Grimace because it’s big, purple, and totally gay. It’s also named for the face I make whenever I’m within smelling distance of Baltimore.

Giants Stadium- This one’s easy, the place is a fucking dump. I give you, Compost.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.