Esurance customer associate: Hello, how may I help you?
Vince Young: “Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach.”
Esurance customer associate: …excuse me? Hello? Sir?
VY: “God gave Noah the rainbow sign. No more water, the fire next time.”
ECA: I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to tell me, sir.
VY: Goddammit! Your ad says quote, buy, print. How many more quotes I have to give you?
ECA: Oh. [laughs] You misunderstood. It means you can log onto our web site, provide your pertinent personal information, get a price quote, buy a policy and print it out at home.
VY: I knew I shoulda gotten Jeff Fisher to do this. But his dialing hand is all worn out from the fist pumping.
ECA: Maybe you can explain to me what you’re trying to do and I can refer you to the correct department.
VY: Okay. EA Sports just told me they’re gonna put me on the cover of the next Madden game. Now, I love the Madden game. If books were like the Madden game, I would have read every book since NFL Proust Reading ’92, with the fuzzy graphic words that get tackled as soon as they run into an opposing word. But bad shit always happens to people who get put on the cover so I need some Vince Young insurance.
ECA: Well, sir, we’re an auto insurance company. We don’t put policies out on athletes.
VY: Yeah, auto, as in automatic. Gimme some of that automatic insurance.
ECA: That’s auto as in automobile insurance.
VY: Fuck. I just talked to Mike Vick and he explained all the bad experiences he had being on the cover. Now he even insures his weed. Against fire damage, no less. I don’t know how he found a company willing to do that. He was watching TV when we were on the phone and your commercial came on and he wanted me to call to ask if the girl from your commercials could save him from his evil robot coffee maker. And while I was at it, I should get some insurance.
ECA: I haven’t the slightest idea how help you.
VY: Hmmm. Can I just talk to the cute pink haired girl?
ECA: You mean Erin Esurance? She’s a fictional mascot the company uses for advertising campaigns.
VY: Yeah, she’s probably out on a classified mission or something. You tell her I liked that touchdown she scored against the blizzard robot. I’m gonna try that shit against Jacksonville.
VY: She’s also had baseball and basketball commercials. That’s one sporty chick. I bet she puts some baseball eye black around her snatch. I’d like to give her some of my patented sidearm delivery. KnawhaI’msayin’?
VY: You’re right. My mechanics are kinda bad. That’s why I did so bad on the Wonderlic. I tried to write all my answers on the side of the paper. Man, side of the paper is less than a millimeter thick. I must only got, like, five answers on there.
VY: Anyway, you need to tell her to leave that mumbly caesar haircut-having white dude she’s with. Then again, he’s probably one of those smart-ass Herbs that girls hang around to cheat off on tests. Girls are clever like that.
VY: All right, well, fuck this shit. I’ll be fine. But I gotta run though. Albert Haynesworth wants to practice his stomping action on my throwing arm. Y’know, toughen that shit up.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.