Welcome to the latest installment of KSK’s newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We’ll lead up to April’s draft by giving you all the pertinent info you’ll need on the league’s newest disappointments-to-be.
Adam Gaines Gaines Adams
Body Type: Longer than the SG’s diary
Speed: Good enough
Urine Sample: Shwaggy
Stool Sample: Soft and lacking bulk
Criticisms: Soft and lacking bulk
Mainstream Comparison: Jevon Kearse
KSK Comparison: Simeon Rice – the douchebaggery
Who’s Interested: The camera guy in the green room
Who Will Take Him: The Vikings. He’s the one piece that could make all the difference between a two-win season and a three-win season.
Honors: People have been riding his jock for quite some time. His CSTV bio tells us that Gaines was named “…first-team preseason All-American according to Playboy, Lindy’s, and Phil Steele.” Now this is just a guess but I’d say that’s a nudie magazine, a strip club, and an aging porn star. Not too shabby.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He admitted to smoking marijuana so now we get to hear all of their fucking analysts talk about weed more than yours truly. Fuck steroids, binge drinking, and unprotected sex with skanky co-eds–these Kottonmouth Kings are a bunch of midnight tokers! (multi-generational musical fun!)
Ambitions: Doin’ coke, drinkin’ beers. Drinkin’ beers, beers beers. Rollin’ fatties, smokin’ blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts.
Fav Hangout: In between a convenience store and a video store
Fav Food: Whatever’s special
Biggest Fear: Evil Bong
Immediate Impact: Automaic insertion into the league’s substance abuse program will not stop him from knocking the shit out of quarterbacks in his rookie year (Goodell: HGH isn’t a substance if I can’t see it!).
Down the Road:
Pray for him.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.