Better Know a Draft Pick: Calvin Johnson
Name: Calvin “Big” Johnson
Height: Tall
Weight: Don’t stand on the tracks when the train’s coming through.
40 Time: 4.33 seconds…uphill…in his girl’s UGGs
Broad Jump: Cleared 11 broads plus 3 dames and a lass.
Urine Sample: Gold smelt
Stool Sample: Smells like Cinnabon at the airport
Mainstream Comparison: Roy Williams
KSK Comparison: A light-skinned Jesus of Nazareth
Who Wants Him: Don’t kid yourselves, Matt Millen and Al Davis are sporting a combined three inches of petrified wood just thinking about him.
Who Will Take Him: Tampa (but only if he agrees to play quarterback)
Hobbies: Pissing on Chevy logos/defensive backs
Favorite Food: Stem cells
Favorite Quotation: A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food.
Mortal Enemy: Hack Man
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He spent last summer building shit holes in a South American shithole.
Immediate Impact: Remember Randy Moss? (it’s ok if you don’t, just click here). Now imagine a him with a good attitude and without Micheal Ray Richardson’s lawyers on retainer.
Down the Road: After a record-shattering career in the NFL he fades into Boliva. He could be the first person enshrined in Canton and Saint Peter’s Basilica (as long as PK and Pastabelly are cool with it).
Tags: Better Know a Draft Pick, calvin johnson, major league 2 + a modest proposal, NFL Draft, Unsilent Majority
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:26 am
Wow – nothing like a little Jonathan Swift quote to get my day started.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:40 am
There’s no way Matt Millen will passover him. ho ho ho!
Outstanding, UM. A+++
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:41 am
Big Johnson t-shirts & ‘A Modest Proposal,’ KSK is turning into like a McSweeney’s version of Where’s Waldo.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:55 am
also a great Cavin and Hobbes reference. pissing on Chevy logos, do they even make those stickers anymore and they always seemed to be on the backwindows of pick-up trucks. were also available with calvin pissing on the Ford logo.
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:04 am
I owned like 12 Big Johnson shirts in high school. I’m amazed that I never got my ass kicked for being such a tool.
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:32 am
Calvin was one micturating machine.
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:55 am
Jonathan Swift, Calvin & Hobbes . . . and Mike Tyson.
But mispelled.
Hmmmm. But with UM reaching new heights each week, this could be intentional. I think if you play it backwards it says something about Satan and a global Jewish conspiracy.
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:00 am
Mike, Bolivia is where Calvin chills in the off season.
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:15 am
Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams split wide. Mike Williams in the slot. Tatum Bell in the backfield and Jon “fucking” Kitna behind center. Sounds like and offense fucking juggernaut to me. “All Streaks on 1″
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:56 am
And as if it could possibly be otherwise, I misspelled “misspell.”
Yes.
April 3rd, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Maybe Calvin could use the transmogrifier to travel into the future and see what his options are in free agency
Maybe he can also be a good Samaritan and warn the Bengals on who will get arrested. Will Pacman Jones live to be 30?
The possibilities are endless.
April 3rd, 2007 at 12:51 pm
What happens when you read this post while listening to “Creeping Death” by Metallica? This.
April 4th, 2007 at 1:08 am
simms, if healthy, won’t be able to get CJ the ball. gonna have to call halfback passes or something.
April 4th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
How in the hell is his mortal enemy NOT be Reggie Ball Passes?
April 6th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Concur with Ted. This post was begging for some Ball-busting goodness.