Name: Calvin “Big” Johnson

Height: Tall
Weight: Don’t stand on the tracks when the train’s coming through.

40 Time: 4.33 seconds…uphill…in his girl’s UGGs
Broad Jump: Cleared 11 broads plus 3 dames and a lass.

Urine Sample: Gold smelt
Stool Sample: Smells like Cinnabon at the airport

Mainstream Comparison: Roy Williams
KSK Comparison: A light-skinned Jesus of Nazareth

Who Wants Him: Don’t kid yourselves, Matt Millen and Al Davis are sporting a combined three inches of petrified wood just thinking about him.

Who Will Take Him: Tampa (but only if he agrees to play quarterback)

Hobbies: Pissing on Chevy logos/defensive backs

Favorite Food: Stem cells

Favorite Quotation: A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food.

Mortal Enemy: Hack Man

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He spent last summer building shit holes in a South American shithole.

Immediate Impact: Remember Randy Moss? (it’s ok if you don’t, just click here). Now imagine a him with a good attitude and without Micheal Ray Richardson’s lawyers on retainer.

Down the Road: After a record-shattering career in the NFL he fades into Boliva. He could be the first person enshrined in Canton and Saint Peter’s Basilica (as long as PK and Pastabelly are cool with it).