Better Know A Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson
Name: Adrian “Gap Filler” Peterson
Height: Tall
Weight: Svelte
Fleet of Foot?: Walks on water–and it’s not a trick.
Hometown: Palestine (/…backs away slowly…), Texas (/runs for life)
Urine Sample: High levels of old lady calcium chocolates
Stool Sample: CHUNKY!
Criticisms: He’s no Adrian Peterson
Mainstream Comparison: Shaun Alexander? My ass! If anything he’s like Deuce McAllister when he came out. They have the same size, same upright style, and same health concerns (for the record I thought Deuce was the best player in that draft…stupid LT). Sorry to go all analytical on you right there, let me make it up to you with a picture of a pinup on a donkey.
KSK Comparison: Charles Rogers
Adrian’s Comparison: “I would say LT, just as far as vision and cuts and how he runs the ball.” (ed. note: [cough]BULLSHIT[/cough])
Who’s Interested: Radiologists everywhere
Who Will Take Him: Buzzsaw. Why? Why the fuck not, that’s why.
Ambition: Double last year’s income; overcome vertigo.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He was soooo good four years ago!
Immediate Impact: I kid around but he’s a fucking stud. Seriously, he fucks horses for money.
Down the Road: Crippling arthritis
NOTE: To prepare you for the draft, we’re having a light bukkake day today. So stick around for multiple posts.
Tags: adrian peterson, avian bone syndrome, Better Know a Draft Pick, cripples, NFL Draft, the other adrian peterson
April 27th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Hometown: Palestine (/…backs away slowly…), Texas (/runs for life)
Check and mate. Well played.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Hell yeah Unbreakable. Best M. Night movie, hands down.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:29 am
“He fucks horses for money”
Nice! But if he fucked cows I’d be more impressed. I like beef…
April 27th, 2007 at 9:30 am
Avian bone syndrome. So that explains it. Why didn’t I think of that before?
He’s gonna make Fragile Fred look like Jim Brown this season.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:57 am
I always enjoy a little light bukkake on a friday
April 27th, 2007 at 9:57 am
Shockingly, this is the first post with the label “avian bone syndrome”. What are the odds?
April 27th, 2007 at 10:03 am
Bigger cunt: Bianca or Kim Basinger?
Discuss.
April 27th, 2007 at 10:16 am
No, the story ESPN will force upon the viewing public is the tragedy that Peterson’s father, a standout athlete himself, only got to see one of his son’s college games because he was serving time. What they will fail to mention is that Nelson Peterson is not Nelson Mandela. Mandela unjustly went to prison for oppsoing a corrupt and racist government. Peterson went to prison for laundering drug money and deserved to fucking be there.
April 27th, 2007 at 10:18 am
and deserved to fucking be there
I’ve yet to hear otherwise.
April 27th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Browns fans…
Lose – Lose situation (Quinn vs. Peterson)
Just go for Calvin Johnson…
April 27th, 2007 at 11:01 am
The best case scenario is for the Redskins to tade there whole draft “Saints Style” to move for Brady Quinn.
Then and only then will the faithful inhabitants of the DC/MD/VA metroplex realize that Daniel Snyder is absolutely out of his freakin’ mind.
That and the drugs he takes to help him grow a little bit each day.
Sorry UM…
April 27th, 2007 at 11:02 am
trade not tade
Great, just great.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Who’s Interested: Radiologists everywhere well done, sir.
Got any draft related props you would like to recommend to the wagering community?
wv: skkru
April 27th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Pinups riding donkeys? You have some sick fucks there in Georgetown.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Not looking forward to hearing Berman call him “Yo! Adrian Peterson” 40 times tomorrow…
April 27th, 2007 at 11:56 am
@ rob i:
Would Kim Basinger eat at Arby’s? I think not. Advantage: Bianca
April 28th, 2007 at 11:48 am
What followed that AD clip may have been my favorite – “why am I not going underwater? Dear god, why am I not going underwater??”
January 15th, 2009 at 5:51 am
gangstur gangstur. it’s not about a salary it’s all about reality.