Name: Adrian “Gap Filler” Peterson

Height: Tall

Weight: Svelte

Fleet of Foot?: Walks on water–and it’s not a trick.

Hometown: Palestine (/…backs away slowly…), Texas (/runs for life)

Urine Sample: High levels of old lady calcium chocolates

Stool Sample: CHUNKY!

Criticisms: He’s no Adrian Peterson

Mainstream Comparison: Shaun Alexander? My ass! If anything he’s like Deuce McAllister when he came out. They have the same size, same upright style, and same health concerns (for the record I thought Deuce was the best player in that draft…stupid LT). Sorry to go all analytical on you right there, let me make it up to you with a picture of a pinup on a donkey.

KSK Comparison: Charles Rogers

Adrian’s Comparison: “I would say LT, just as far as vision and cuts and how he runs the ball.” (ed. note: [cough]BULLSHIT[/cough])

Who’s Interested: Radiologists everywhere

Who Will Take Him: Buzzsaw. Why? Why the fuck not, that’s why.

Ambition: Double last year’s income; overcome vertigo.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He was soooo good four years ago!

Immediate Impact: I kid around but he’s a fucking stud. Seriously, he fucks horses for money.

Down the Road: Crippling arthritis

NOTE: To prepare you for the draft, we’re having a light bukkake day today. So stick around for multiple posts.