I noticed a few days ago Terri Schiavo was here covering NFL free agent signings. Shit, what I wouldn’t do to get that kind of medical attention. Until this past week, I hadn’t seen a nurse since January. And even then, she only wanted change for a twenty before she ran out to one of the myriad liquor stores on Georgia Avenue outside the facility.

I used to have to rely on the few newspapers strewn about my room to obscure the various cracks on the wall and rodent feces on the floor. I was hard-pressed gleaning any new info from them, seeing as how they were all four years old and I wasn’t sure which of the ones on the wall weren’t load-bearing papers. In this place, you can’t be too sure.

But now with all the media ruckus of late, some senator who ignored my pleas for help for months showed up to give me this laptop. Not sure why that required eight cameramen, but, what the fuck, I’ll take it. I’ve missed football. Even though I got back from Iraq in November, I wasn’t able to follow any of the games thereafter. Last time I saw a nurse walk past my doorway, I asked her how the Patriots were doing. She stopped, took a long drag on a cigarette (didn’t think you could smoke in a medical center) and muttered, “Patriot Act is great. You served your country, defended our freedoms and shit. You’re a hero. Now pipe down and go to sleep.” That was it. Should’ve said something about changing my bed pan.

So, now, let’s see.

Leonard Davis to Dallas. Hmm, he’s a big fat guy, and thus key to the Wade Phillips system. Patrick Kerney to the Seahawks. What about Jimbo and Nelson? Napoleon Harris to the Chiefs, Tully Banta-Cain to the Niners, Brad Johnson to play Nick Nolte for Terrell Owens in upcoming Cowboys buddy comedy, Joey Porter’s half-shirted pit bulls to Miami, Luke Petitgout to the Bucs and Daniel Graham to the Broncos for entirely too much money.

Hey, they also signed Travis Henry. Why shell out big money when anyone could run for 1,000 yards in that system? Hell, I have no legs and I could do it.

Speaking of which, The Pentagon told me my leglessness is a preexisting condition that dates back to my childhood. According to them, I was always going to lose my legs. It’s in the genes, like going bald. War just expedited the whole process, so they can’t compensate me from my injury.

But I got this laptop.