Hello? HELLO! Wow, hey, you can hear me! Sweet, because I’m getting sick of all these doctors just staring at me. Get them the fuck out of here. And before CNN comes back, could somebody give me a real haircut for fuck’s sake? Something kinda mod, you know, understated. Like a Mariska Hargitay, maybe. Mmm, damn, she’s hot. I’d eat walnuts out of that bitch’s ass. That is, if the walnuts could fit through this fucking feeding tube.

So Adalius Thomas going to New England is a pretty big deal. That’s just what they needed: a large, black man to help carry Bruschi off the field after his next stroke. It sounds like New England’s also going to get Fire-Cracker Wes Welker signed to an offer sheet. Or maybe they’re just going to implant fingers onto Reche Caldwell’s eyeballs. Either one works for me, really.

It looks like Joey Porter–hey, will you get that fucking balloon out of my face? I’m trying to talk some fucking football, get it out–yeah, yeah, I see the fucking balloon. Get that shit outta here. Assholes. Anyway, a lot of teams will be making a run at everyone’s favorite insane Negro, Joey Porter. My word, that is one scary man. And he’s such an incredible physical specimen to boot. I once heard that his dick is so big, it has its own ACL. Heaven hopes he brings the KY Jelly if he finds his way into my room.

Nate Clements will be the first defensive Ten Million Dollar A Year Man in the NFL’s history. Whatever. I doubt he’ll reach the ass-end of that deal, but the bitches will hear “eighty million dollars” and be impressed. He’s guaranteed $22 mil out of that. The only downside is that now he has to play for San Franciso. Shit’s expensive there.

And what’s the deal with Dre Bly and Dan Wilkinson. Seems like those guys switch teams every–

Wha-what are you doing? Hey, don’t pull that tube out! My food comes in through that motherfucker! Put that tube back! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

You guys are gonna put that back, right?