Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It’s the only thing they’re not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Banat). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation’s resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.

You can read Round 1 here and Round 2 here.

Countries already off the board: Brazil, Japan, Australia, Italy, St. Maarten, China, Sweden, Lesotho, The UK, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Israel.

Round 3

UM: Earlier when I asked if we could take principalities and sovereign states Drew assumed I was going to take the Vatican. Granted I love the power and influence, but I just don’t need all of those Catholic headaches. I must admit, the infallibility makes me a bit giddy. This is the only principality that entices me.

UM: 13. Monaco

So many reasons, I should have taken it number one.

A beautiful crop of land on the French Riviera and it’s not French…sign me up! They’re tiny and they don’t get involved in conflicts. That’s good, I’m fucking sick of international drama. Monaco just chills by the water doing its thing while all of the millionaires stream through. And for every shark-like millionaire you’ve got dozens of sexy scavenger fish from all over the world.

It’s tiny and it doesn’t wield power but it might just be the coolest place in the world. It’s fully stocked with beauty and wealth from all parts of the globe. Monte Carlo rules. I’ll write up a better reasoning later.

Drew: Terrible pick. You may as well pick gonorrhea. It’s less problematic.

MMP: No, to pick gonorrhea, you have to wait your turn.

Ape: It was still my pick, UM.

UM: Oh fuck. I thought you already went twice. I blame the hash.

Ape: Drew is doing nothing but taking Old Europe countries. That’s the Norv
Turner all chalk route. You might as well take France next.

Ape: Actual No. 13. Russia

I got tropical hotness, then global influence and military might. Now
I’m consolidating my power with land and money. Russia, though not the
superpower it once was, is still a G8 nation with a ton of oil money.

It’s cold as fuck so I probably won’t be spending much time there, but
I’ll take all the nice vodka they make.

CC: Ape, you really should have taken Monaco out of spite. I assume UM’s sticking with Monaco at 14, yes?

UM: Way to drop the ball, Ape. I mean Israel and Russia? That’s worse than me taking movie characters who die. Besides, I’ll be chilling on the beach while sipping on the very same vodka.

Ape: Not when I control the country, you won’t.

UM: Oh well. I like Ciroc and Grey Goose just fine.

Ape: And way to take a big chunk of desert full of people who hate you, UM.

UM: It’s on the water, and I’ll just expel all the haters and replace them with tits.

Ape: Russia is strategic. Why do I need another tropical wonderland when I
have Brazil? You can go the Matt Millen route and take seven
receivers. I have a well-rounded squad.

UM: Please. Japan will crush you. Plus, I have more millionaires than you can count because of the whole “No income tax in Monaco” thing.

Ape: Japan? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?

UM: Commie.

CC: Okay girls, that’s enough bickering.

CC: 15. France.

Finally my years of French in high school and college become moderately useful.

Step 1 as owner of France: eliminate French.
Step 2: Begin rigorous euthanasia program.

I want to maintain the outstanding legacy of wine, cheese, and art while destroying the snooty pussy-dom. Because we all need a pet project. I figure France can practice by conquering Monaco. Those people are even bigger pussies than the French.

Honorable mention: Iraq. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to turn that shithole into a parking lot. I have no idea how that geographical toilet became the cradle of civilization. Nice sandstorms and 130-degree humidity, asses. Enjoy nuclear winter.

flub: Did you guys read [the steroids piece] from Chuck Klosterman today?

CC: Klosterman totally would have picked Canada and given a shitty explanation for it.

UM: Ufford is France which means he’s entitled to protect me as Monaco. Always good to have your back covered by a Marine.

[The group]: …

UM: My sentences make sense when I type them. I swear.

Ape: Drew’s on the clock, then flubby and Punter.

UM: Ape’s in a hurry to take Khazakstan in free agency.

Drew: And the Balkans!

Ape: I get a supplemental pick for all your bitching.

UM: Feel free to supplement your picks with places that don’t suck.

Drew: 16. Mexico

First thing I do is round up all the tourists in Cancun and have them
murdered. Next thing I do is eat a flauta and get me a suntan.
Mexico rules.

flub: I won a free yard of Dos Equis at Senor Frog’s in Cancun. It took me five minutes to work up the nerve to admit to the DJ I knew the name of the lead singer of Loverboy, but my thirst finally won out. Going to Mexico in late July is not among the wisest decisions I have ever made. Shit was hotter than the sun.

UM: Try going to the Bahamas at the end of august. My mom was never that sharp.

flub: I imagine you get some really good rates during hurricane season.

UM: It rained for five days. Good job, Mom. I just saw the clip that Jordi sent us. Feel free to use that clip to explain my selection of Japan.

MMP: I’ll make a mental note of that.

Ape: Drew lays into Israel but then takes Mexico? You should have just taken Sudan.

flub: 17. Luxembourg.
It’s small enough that I think I could run the whole place single-handedly. Then I would surround the entire country with a big velvet rope and tell the Euro-trash to keep the fuck out.

MMP: Motherfucker, I was gonna take Luxembourg. It has the world’s higest GDP per capita.

Ape: Jersey has the highest per capita income in the U.S. and I don’t think
that would be taken in a state draft.

MMP: Ape, Infoplease would like to have a word with you.

UM: Even though we’re not a state, DC owns!

Ape: Fine, Jersey’s only third. Screw Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me for saying different.

MMP: 18. Cuba.

Then I would buy the Marlins and move them there. Fidel would sit in the dugout until his death, whilest I drank rum and diets from behind home plate. I needed a token hotspot, and this ties in nicely with the boner I have for communist reform. Plus, Cuba will make a decent staging area for the 250,000 Chinese troops I’m about to send over to St. Maarten.

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It’s the only thing they’re not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation’s resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.

Serpentine format, so MMP leads off for Round 2.

NOTE: There is one semi-NSFW image below. Scroll with caution.

You can read Round 1 here.

Round 2

MMP: 7. Sweden

Lots of skiing, hockey, and blonde women. That welfare state bullshit will have to be phased out and I’ll probably have to off a few bankers before they embrace the euro, but we can worry about that after we assassinate Bjork.

CC: Iceland, Sweden. Potayto, potahto.

MMP: I know Bjork is from Iceland, Mr. 20th Amendment. That’s why we’re killing her.

That, and that dress.

flub: 8. Lesotho.

I’m picking Lesotho here. Not because I have any interest in ever setting foot there, but because I am convinced South Africa would pony up some serious Krugerrands (or maybe even Charlize Theron) to buy it from me.

I mean, what if there was some small independent country right in the middle of the continental US? It would piss us off big time.

UM: You mean texas?

Drew: 9. The United Kingdom.

An absolute steal. While the sun may now occasionally set on the
British Empire, I still get the British VI’s as part of the deal. And
I can use the British Army to “reaffirm” ownership of Ireland and
Scotland, maybe rifle down a few rock-throwing protesters in the mix.

I’d get all the smoked salmon I could eat, all the Guiness and
Caffrey’s I could drink, all the best golf courses in the universe,
and I could have Prince William murdered (preferably in a tower with
his brother in an homage to Richard III) and claim Kate Middleton for
myself. Grrrrr!!!!

http://img.timeinc.net/people/i/2006/stylechannel/blog/060911/kate_middleton_300×400.jpg

Oh, and I could shut down the Arseblog.

MMP: For your information, there is plenty of historic golfing in Sweden.

UM: I have a bad feeling that CC is about to scoop my pick.

CC: 10. Argentina.

Not my ideal second-round draft pick, but if I’m going to be owning countries, I’m damn sure going to need a bountiful source of Latinas, and Argentina has a nice combination of retaining the Latina sexiness while actually descending from Spaniards and Italians. HOTT!

(Colombia almost got the nod because of all the cocaine, but it’s got that whole civil-strife / cartel violence / kidnapping of rich people thing I wouldn’t want to be a part of.)

Anyway, lots of great things about owning Argentina: Lujan Fernandez; Buenos Aires; cheerleaders in tear-away skirts; lots of beaches and variegated geography and climate so I don’t get bored; and the ability to wear the sweet Argentine soccer jersey and not be a poseur.

I could probably even have Manu Ginobili and his family killed. Oh, and Argentina has an undisputed land claim over Antarctica. Who wants penguin steak?

Also Argentine: Carolina Ardohain.

UM: 11. UAE

In one word: Dubai

I would bulldoze all of the other emirates (too cool for states?) and turn the land into desert golf resorts and synagogues. Dubai itself is too bountiful to pass up. Their government established free zones have resulted in an economic boom that makes oil money look passe. Of course the first thing to catch your eye is their ostentatious architecture, and who wouldn’t want to play a game of rooftop tennis overlooking the Gulf of Oman. They’ve built their own fucking island in the likeness of a palm tree and now just look at what the Donald is about to build. Hey Trump, Georgia O’Keeffe thinks that’s a bit on the nose.

CC: Any selection of any country in the Middle East for any other reason than turning it into a parking lot is a foolish pick.

UM: It’s only Dubai I care about, the rest of place would be as good as gone.

flub: Once we kick our oil addiction, the UAE will disappear into the sand like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

UM: I really just want to play tennis on the insane rooftop…oh and the golf is amazing.

Ape: Argentina is a great pick. And the only reason I got to go to Buenos
Aires last summer is because I was dating one of those Jewish
Argentine girls whose family, though resides in Florida (ugh), owns a
home in BA (yay!).

Ape: 12. Israel.

If we can’t pick the U.S., I’ll just pick the country that controls
the U.S. All of my citizens (subjects?) are potential troops and I
have a ton of firepower. Also, Israeli girls, though in my experience
fairly stuck-up, are reliably hot.

UM: You can take over Israel all you want, the UN will just keep giving it back to the chosen people.

Coming Up: Round 3

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It’s the only thing they’re not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation’s resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP. Serpentine format.

Round 1

CC: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! So nervous! Want to get best countries!

Drew: See, this is tough: do you pick a country you want to enjoy, or one you want to ruin?

MMP: A little from Column A, a little from Column B.

Ape: 1. Brazil.

Militarily and economically, they’re no great shakes. But I’ll control a clear majority of the world’s hot women. It’s South America, so the weather is always nice and the country is accustomed to corruption. People won’t nuke me because I have the Amazon. Bonus: Blanka as a personal body guard (or some Amazonians). And maybe someone there can teach me how to dance.

CC: There goes Oden. Let’s see if UM picks Durant.

UM: I don’t get it, a country we want to rule for whatever reason?

Ape: Now you’re on the trolley.

UM: 2. Japan.

Sexy subservient women and nobody calling me short. Did I do that right or have I already lost?

Ape: You fool! Japan is full of Japs!

CC: 3. Australia.

The Durant to Brazil’s Oden. They speak English, but with a sexy accent. Lots of hot women, surfing, and a culture that makes cold beer a priority.

UM: Aussies are stupid and their boot-related traditions are archaic.

Drew: 4. Italy.

I need a low maintenance country, and Italy hasn’t had a functional
government for ages and still does just fine. Plus this scores huge
bonus points with the ladies. Lots of good wine, pasta, and sexy
Italian eye candy.

You get brunettes in the South, blondes in the
North. Plus, I can pass a law that decrees that any grown Italian man
still living with his mother is a pussy. Oh, and I’d have all the
priests castrated.

UM: Germany for the first round Axis sweep?

Ape: Don’t put it past Punter. He likes those schiesse films [I have no idea what that word means --Ed.].

UM: I take it we’re limiting this to current countries, so I can’t go and draft the Roman Empire? What about pricipalities?

Drew: Only current nations. If by principalities, you mean the Vatican or
something, I think that’s still okay.

UM: So now it’s a race to take Minerva!

Ape: I can’t believe Unsilent passed on the Nation of Domination.

Drew: There’s a picture of Paris Hilton blowing Cee Lo on wwtdd.com. Crazy? Possibly.

UM: Is it legit? My work computer has something against wwtdd.

Drew: Looked pretty legit to me.

flub: “Only thing that could bring it back alive, woman. Is some good, good head”- Cee-Lo

flub: 5. St. Maarten

has everything I will ever need. Gorgeous beaches (some nude), casinos and French restaurants. The only true duty free ports in the Western Hemisphere means tons of cheap shit especially designer clothes (for chicks and Ufford), booze (for me), and jewelry (for Unsilent Bling Majority).

When you’re in the Caribbean (at least outside the squalor of the DR or Haiti) it’s hard to get to worked up over anything. They drink this stuff called Guavaberry down there. I don’t know much about it except that it is the bomb.com with Orangina and lots of ice. If had “fuck you” money I would move down there in an instant. They even have WGN down there, I can watch the Cubs. Come to think of it, why am I not there right now?

UM: First act as new leader of St. Maarten…do something about that spelling.

Ape: St. JaMaarten.

flub: As a matter of principal, I eschew the frog spelling of the island.

Ape: Lazarus Hilton?

UM: St. JaMaarten! +1,000; Lazarus Hilton? -999

Ape: I’m still in the black.

UM: PUUUUUN-TEEEEEEEEEEEER!

MMP: The first of my two selections:

MMP: 6. China

They have Wal-Mart, yet they are still communist. They are a rising economic power. They have nukes. They eat dogs and cats. They have over a billion people. They name their years after animals. And if you don’t have the money to fly, you can always dig there.

UM: Yeah, but the sideways vaginas still weird me out.

Coming Up: Round 2

(phone rings)

Vick: (startles awake) What?! What the fuck is that?!

(phone rings)

Vick: Is that the phone, or am I still trapped in that dream with the cannibal mafia hitman?

(phone rings)

Vick: Okay, I think it’s the phone. Fuck, man.

(phone rings)

Vick: (takes bong hit) Hello?

Blank: Hello, Michael?

Vick: Maybe…

Blank: Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.

Vick: Man, I told you motherfuckers I don’t want that Fios hi-speed internet shit!

Blank: No, Michael, it’s Mr. Blank. From the Falcons!

Vick: What? Oh hey, Mr. Owner-man! The one with the mustache! How the fuck you doin’?

Blank: Listen Michael, I just wanted to let you know that we tra…

Vick: You the motherfucker that own Home Depot, right?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Why can’t I ever find a motherfucker to help my ass in that goddamn store?

Blank: Well, we try and lay out the store so that it’s user-friendly.

Vick: Fuck that. And how come I need anchors when I screw shit in the drywall? I’m just trying to put in a shelf, and it turns into some 8-hour project and shit. My fishbowl keeps sliding off it now, man. Fuck.

Blank: Well, the anchors keep the drywall from coming loose.

Vick: Well, how come I don’t need an anchor for screwing into wood?

Blank: Because it’s stronger.

Vick: Then why don’t they just make the whole wall outta wood? Riddle me that!

Blank: Because it would warp. It’s just not a good idea.

Vick: (takes bong hit) That’s fucked up.

Blank: Anyway, Michael, I wanted to let you know that we traded Matt Schaub.

Vick: Who the fuck is that?

Blank: Our backup QB.

Vick: You mean the white boy?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Damn. That motherfucker was good. Like really good.

Blank: Anyway, Michael, I thought you’d be pleased to hear the news. There’s no ambiguity about where you stand now.

Vick: Ambiguity? You calling me a fag?

Blank: No, I’m saying YOU ARE THE MAN NOW.

Vick: Yeah man, but white boy knew the motherfuckin’ playbook, man. He’s the one who watched film and went to meetings for me. He had good notes, man. Who the fuck am I gonna crib shit from now? What did you trade him for?

Blank: Two second rounders.

Vick: Two second rounders?! Motherfucker, you crazy? I just smoked a bowl laced with Liquid Plumr, and even I wouldn’t trade the bitch for that little. Why don’t you just trade him for a Slush Puppy while you’re at it?

Blank: I thought you’d be happy.

Vick: I just… I just don’t need this kinda pressure in my life right now, man. Everybody’s looking AT ME, man. Why can’t we all just slow the fuck down for a second and consider things like, tall wavy grass and shit?

Blank: Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk.

Vick: And how come they don’t serve burgers at the Home Depot? I’m moving lumber and shit. I get fucking hungry, man!

Blank: I think I’ll call back later.

Vick: It burns when you snort vodka. Wait… are you still on the line?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Is this Marcus?

Blank: No Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.

Vick: Marcus, I think I just hallucinated. Schauby was in Texas and my chicken sandwich stood up on its hind legs.

(Mr. Blank hangs up.)

Vick: Hello? Fuck, Marcus, are you impersonating a dial tone again? Ha ha ha! Holy fuck, I am stoned. I’m not sure I can move. I feel like drinking an entire bottle of Caesar salad dressing. What’s that buzzing sound?!

Photo, as always, courtesy of the Onion. Oh, and nice job not trading for Matt Schaub, Minnesota Vikings. You fucking impotent assholes.

What do we do when we muse discursively on a topic? Do we reach a greater understanding of the world? Of ourselves? Of the suppurating boner we get when we tell the girl in the check-out line at Trader Joe’s the big word we looked up from the New Yorker? I mean, The Believer.

(”Hey! ‘Postlapsarian.’ That make you wet!? Wha- Ah! No! Don’t take away my organic soy tandoori coconut chicken sticks.”)

People, in the main, don’t seek introspection. They seek the immediate gratification of a sentence directly expressed, and not the turbid waters of distilled genuine experience. Can’t they understand nothing can be conveyed intellectually unless it’s by an oblique music or movie quote? Also, they don’t appreciate a throbbing phallus jammed into the duodenum. Philistines.

From WBEZ Chicago, it’s This American Life, distributed by Public Radio International, I’m Ira Glass.

This week, the new American pastime: football. How did this come about? From whence did it come? Whither is it going? Did the twee novels we read not foretell such an phenomenon?

What do we talk about when we talk about football? Is the obsession a byproduct of our collective impetuous mindset? A Jungian desire for contact, kinetic energy… coherence? Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but he’d know for sure that Chris Simms is gay.

Now, football is something embraced by mainstream culture, therefore we must approach it leerily and with skepticism and superciliousness. To do otherwise wouldn’t be fake-edgy, pseudo-intellectual and above-it-all.

(A music overlay of Boards of Canada’s “Turquoise Hexagon Sun.”)

Chapter 1 this week features Sarah Vowell talking about presidential assassins for 30 minutes. She may, at some point, compare Charles Guiteau to Jerry Rice, so don’t switch over to that Sigur Ros record just yet.

Chapter 2: David Sedaris pays a visit to Wes Welker’s dungeon school for cock-tickling gimps on the campus of Texas Tech and finds a way to make a cleverly worded reference to Jabberjaw and his wacky experiences learning French with his male partner in Paris. That is to say, Sedaris’ experiences, not Jabberjaw’s.

Chapter 3: A perfunctory attempt at engaging with real life folk. For authenticity’s sake, we even let slip a few colloquialisms and sly references to the Iraq War. We’ll explain to an ice cream man and an illegal immigrant the parallels of Faulkner and Jon Gruden. How devilishly informal and prosaic. I’ll end the segment with an interview with Dave Eggers, who will be amused that I’m even asking him about something as mundane as football. He’ll remark that there should be a team in Africa.

We hope you’ll stick around.

We at KSK like to think of ourselves as one big happy family. True, it may be the kind of family that has an alcoholic, cross-dressing uncle, a kleptomaniac mom and a knocked-up 14-year old daughter, but it’s a family nonetheless. And what better way to examine the humorous foibles of families than Bil Keane’s venerable (not to mention inexplicably popular) piece of Americana The Family Circus?

With this in mind, the entire KSK crew (except Big Daddy Drew, what has that lazy fucker ever done for this blog?) devoted their collective wit to bringing an NFL flavor to this funny page stalwart. That’s right kids, today you’re getting two posts that at least tangentially relate to football. Damn we’re good (and handsome, and smart, and well-endowed, and humble)….

(A tip of Unsilent Majority’s sombrero to the sick bastards at the Dysfunctional Family Circus, who have been doing this sort of thing for years.)

I fucking love the NFL’s overtime format. It’s rigid and unforgiving, like my cock. It also rocks your face, but maybe you just don’t know it yet, maybe because you’re too busy thinking about the homeless. You’re always thinking about the gaddamned homeless; can’t you see that THEY WANT TO BE POOR!?!?

Some of you assholes act like winning the coin flip wins the game. Not fucking so, though I’d say if you can’t correctly identify an outcome that has a 50 percent chance of happening, your ineptitude has no place in mock combat.

Anyway, even if you’re in OT and you lose the toss, you still kick off and have a chance to pin the other team deep. You can still stop your opponents on defense. And even if you fuck that up, they still can block the candy-assed 27-yard field goal attempt that will win the game.

“But it would be MORE FAIR if both teams got the ball,” you would mutter through your vagigi as you hang your Che Guevara out the window of your studio apartment to air dry.

Yeah, so those ten or twelve possessions your team had in regulation, wasn’t that fair? What about not banishing the special teams units to the sideline to reprise the same pivotal role they played during regulation. Wouldn’t that be fair?

Some of you are just in love with the Gay Circus Overtime they use in the college game, because each team gets a turn on the top AND the bottom. We saw a gay circus at the start of the Super Bowl, and most of us can safely agree what a colossal failure that was.

Your views and improvements for OT are welcome in the comments.

I watched the National Geographic show “Galapagos” the other night. If you’re familiar with this site, you already know about my affinity for animal-on-animal bloodshed. Well, this special provided a doozy. It’s a hawk, killing an iguana by grabbing it and pressing its head INTO THE SCORCHING FUCKING EARTH. Fucking awesome. The Galapagos hawk, if you didn’t know, is at the top of the island’s food chain. It has no known worthy adversary in its ecosystem. Know what that means? That means it has carte blanche to fucking kill at will. Bad. Ass.

When I die, I’m coming back as a hawk. And I’m parking my ass right outside Cameron Diaz’s house.

Welcome to the first latest installment of KSK’s newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We’ll lead up to April’s draft by giving you all the pertinent info you’ll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.

Name: Joe “Wonderbread” Thomas

Height: Somewhere between Alando Tucker and Brian Butch
Weight: When he got on the digital scale it started leaking battery acid

Urine Test: Velveeta
Stool Sample: Corn. Lots of corn.

Mainstream Comparison: Jonathan Ogden
KSK Comparison: Michael Lewis’ recurring wet dream (not to be confused with his other recurring wet dream featuring a nude Tabitha Soren traipsing around the Oakland A’s locker room).

Who Wants Him: David Carr’s bruised ass
Who Will Take Him: Some shitty team that wants to bore their fans

Hobbies: Basting fat chicks in the tub
Favorite Food: Miracle Whip sandwiches and his salt lick
Favorite Expression: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He once ate the corpse of his uncle Dave after defeating the Wendy’s founder in a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger eating contest.

Immediate Impact: Seismic
Down the Road: Dementia pugilistica and robot legs…not a bad trade-off

I stopped reading Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback column not long after I posted a picture of his daughter on the Internet. After the Mary Beth fiasco, it just seemed wrong to keep up the annoying charade of paying attention to him.

And yet I have friends who email me all of his greatest hits. During this offseason he’s panned The Departed for being needlessly violent and expressed surprise that Matt Damon plays the title character in Saving Private Ryan, which he waited nine years to see. Here are some gems from today’s installment:

i. One of the best discoveries of midlife: St. Patrick’s Day. Never thought I’d love Guinness, but it’s pretty close to the perfect beer.

k. Just discovering the iPod, one of the great inventions of all time, and my one recent find was Norah Jones. What an incredible voice. Shows what a music dolt I am that I barely knew her.

It’s times like this I really wish there were some sort of way to express in writing that I’m holding my face in my hands and shaking me head. Where does one even BEGIN to ridicule a jackass this clueless? He’s doing this on purpose, right?

Anyway, let’s avoid the obvious diatribe and standard ridicule. I hereby open up the polls for Things Peter King Might Think He Thinks About Non-Football Thoughts in the Future.

“Tried meatloaf the other night. Delicious.”

“Got another email from Sergeant McCarthy in Iraq. He thinks the Rams have a chance this year. I met him once, so he’s probably right.”

“The other day I had trouble getting up the stairs.”

“Finally saw The Godfather last weekend. Who knew Al Pacino was so good? I sure didn’t expect to see Marlon Brando in the title role!”

“Turns out Bob Dylan has a son. Jakob Dylan plays for a band called ‘the Wallflowers.’ Must be an ironic name — I can see them headlining some big concerts. I can’t stop listening to ‘One Headlight’ on my iPod!”

“Have you seen Diane Keaton? What a looker!”

“Apparently the Red Sox spent a lot of money for this Jap fellow. Wait, I’m being told I’m not allowed to say ‘Jap.’ When did that happen? Crazy. Everyone’s so sensitive these days. I blame video games and violence in movies for making things worse than they used to be.”

“Just got off the phone with Jerome Bettis. He thinks Nate Clements is worth the money in San Francisco. Can’t say I like San Francisco. Too many hills. I had some tremendous sodomy there, though.”

I’d do more, but thinking about this clown makes my head hurt. I invite you to add your PK mental diarrhea in the comments.