The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 3: Matt Schaub Is Traded
(phone rings)
Vick: (startles awake) What?! What the fuck is that?!
(phone rings)
Vick: Is that the phone, or am I still trapped in that dream with the cannibal mafia hitman?
(phone rings)
Vick: Okay, I think it’s the phone. Fuck, man.
(phone rings)
Vick: (takes bong hit) Hello?
Blank: Hello, Michael?
Vick: Maybe…
Blank: Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.
Vick: Man, I told you motherfuckers I don’t want that Fios hi-speed internet shit!
Blank: No, Michael, it’s Mr. Blank. From the Falcons!
Vick: What? Oh hey, Mr. Owner-man! The one with the mustache! How the fuck you doin’?
Blank: Listen Michael, I just wanted to let you know that we tra…
Vick: You the motherfucker that own Home Depot, right?
Blank: Yes.
Vick: Why can’t I ever find a motherfucker to help my ass in that goddamn store?
Blank: Well, we try and lay out the store so that it’s user-friendly.
Vick: Fuck that. And how come I need anchors when I screw shit in the drywall? I’m just trying to put in a shelf, and it turns into some 8-hour project and shit. My fishbowl keeps sliding off it now, man. Fuck.
Blank: Well, the anchors keep the drywall from coming loose.
Vick: Well, how come I don’t need an anchor for screwing into wood?
Blank: Because it’s stronger.
Vick: Then why don’t they just make the whole wall outta wood? Riddle me that!
Blank: Because it would warp. It’s just not a good idea.
Vick: (takes bong hit) That’s fucked up.
Blank: Anyway, Michael, I wanted to let you know that we traded Matt Schaub.
Vick: Who the fuck is that?
Blank: Our backup QB.
Vick: You mean the white boy?
Blank: Yes.
Vick: Damn. That motherfucker was good. Like really good.
Blank: Anyway, Michael, I thought you’d be pleased to hear the news. There’s no ambiguity about where you stand now.
Vick: Ambiguity? You calling me a fag?
Blank: No, I’m saying YOU ARE THE MAN NOW.
Vick: Yeah man, but white boy knew the motherfuckin’ playbook, man. He’s the one who watched film and went to meetings for me. He had good notes, man. Who the fuck am I gonna crib shit from now? What did you trade him for?
Blank: Two second rounders.
Vick: Two second rounders?! Motherfucker, you crazy? I just smoked a bowl laced with Liquid Plumr, and even I wouldn’t trade the bitch for that little. Why don’t you just trade him for a Slush Puppy while you’re at it?
Blank: I thought you’d be happy.
Vick: I just… I just don’t need this kinda pressure in my life right now, man. Everybody’s looking AT ME, man. Why can’t we all just slow the fuck down for a second and consider things like, tall wavy grass and shit?
Blank: Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk.
Vick: And how come they don’t serve burgers at the Home Depot? I’m moving lumber and shit. I get fucking hungry, man!
Blank: I think I’ll call back later.
Vick: It burns when you snort vodka. Wait… are you still on the line?
Blank: Yes.
Vick: Is this Marcus?
Blank: No Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.
Vick: Marcus, I think I just hallucinated. Schauby was in Texas and my chicken sandwich stood up on its hind legs.
(Mr. Blank hangs up.)
Vick: Hello? Fuck, Marcus, are you impersonating a dial tone again? Ha ha ha! Holy fuck, I am stoned. I’m not sure I can move. I feel like drinking an entire bottle of Caesar salad dressing. What’s that buzzing sound?!
Photo, as always, courtesy of the Onion. Oh, and nice job not trading for Matt Schaub, Minnesota Vikings. You fucking impotent assholes.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, home improvement, michael vick, weed
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March 22nd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
[/stands up and applauds]
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Don’t worry, Drew. We’re going to trade two first rounders for Carr and then everything will be fine.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:18 pm
That was just brilliant. Thank you.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:28 pm
my chicken sandwich stood up on its hind legs
I just think it bears repeating.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:28 pm
You are doing the Lord’s work, BDD.
And my word verification is “cuumatqo”.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:35 pm
That reminded me of every conversation I had with my boyfriend in college. Ah, memories. Thanks.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Drew, your Vikes better deal for Carr — you have an offensive line, he could actually do well instead of fear for his life.
Two second rounders?! Motherfucker, you crazy? I just smoked a bowl laced with Liquid Plumr, and even I wouldn’t trade the bitch for that little. Why don’t you just trade him for a Slush Puppy while you’re at it?
This was the part that had me rolling. Well played, again.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:38 pm
That was the funniest shit I’ve ever read.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Thank you for making my afternoon!
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:42 pm
always use anchors in dry wall. not only a hilarious post , but a few around the house tips for good measure. excellent work as always.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:42 pm
OH.MY.GOD.
FUCKINGLY BRILLIANT.
The chicken sandwich line was the best!!!
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:01 pm
They serve hamburgers at my Home Depot. There’s a nice Puerto Rican family that operates a stand outside the entrance. The daughter has a Stuart Scott eye so it looks like she’s watching me walk up but also making sure Tony Stewart doesn’t jump off the Coke machine and attack someone.
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Snorting Vodka a.k.a. “Chilly Willy”
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:05 pm
“dude, it’s for you… I think it’s the devil!”
and I still think the Texans got hosed in giving up 2 picks for a guy with just as many picks as TDs. But he’s better than Garcia…
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Wow I didn’t know the Chilly Willy was a well-known thing. I would suggest Absolut Citron.
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Also a definition for Chill Willy: To stick your hand in a bowl of ice and then masturbate.
Rick Majerus approves!
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Bravo, Drew. That was great.
(Not the Chill Willy, the post.)
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:00 pm
That’s all my penis needs: freezer burn.
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:10 pm
Poor, pretty David Carr. I hope he goes somewhere (anywhere) and thrives- and then the Texans look like chumps. Again.
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Hilarious. That’s just what I needed to jump start the rest of my day.
I guess it’s safe to assume that chicken sandwich didn’t come from the fine Mormons at Chick-Fil-A. That’s what Ronny Mex gets by going to Ruby’s Sugar Shack in Bankhead for a chicken sandwich.
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:30 pm
thank you for this….
my chicken sandwich is applauding.
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:51 pm
I with UM the chicken sandwich line was the best part.
Also in other news KSK’s favorite NY QB is getting . Also I grew up with this girl so if anyone wants some unflattering middle school photos let me know.
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:58 pm
There was a Home Depot here in the ATL that used to have a Fuddrucker’s in it. I’ll have to say the 1/2 pound hamburger with the 1/4-lb. hot dog doesn’t go well with sawdust and paint fumes. That’s why I only ate there twice a week.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Vikes don’t need Carr, they got TJ.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Do we need an unflattering middle school photo? The adult photo you linked to would seem to be enough.
Bravo Drew.
Word verification: igodrv
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:40 pm
By the way, if Oakland picks up David Carr and drafts Calvin Johnson, I will throw up.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:40 pm
With Vick’s offseason proving this fascinating, I almost (almost) don’t want the season to start at all.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Drew,
that is just fucking brilliant, man.
BTO
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm
BDD, thanks for the post, the anchors & dry wall bit was fantastic.
grungedave, thanks for the Grandma’s Boy reference, saw it for the first time this past weekend. Fucking funny (after a few drinks).
Worth noting, at the Home Depot in Bridgeport, CT they sell Philly Steaks and Sausages, Vick would fucking love it.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Episode 3 is the best yet.
Question: Why does Mike sound like Eddie Murphy circa ‘Raw’ crossed with Tommy Chong on ‘That 70s Show’?
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Oh, and nice job not trading for Matt Schaub, Minnesota Vikings. You fucking impotent assholes
TJ = Mike Vick Jr. that can’t run as well
Sadly I think the axis of authority or whatever they’re naming themselves are busy spanking it to a Brady Quinn poster in the back of a Dairy Queen. Looking to throwing my Viking brick at the TV even more this year.
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Chris, email me those photos, good friend.
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:17 pm
That’s even funnier when you replace Vick’s voice with Tracy Morgan’s character on 30 Rock. Funny stuff.
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:35 pm
I may be certifiable, but doesn’t Aurther Blank look like the kind of guy who would wear a white fedora while wooing withered old retirees on a cruiseship? I can’t think of any 82-year-old widows that would turn down those soft, mezmerizing eyes.
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:27 pm
jl, you’re close. I’ve always thought of Arthur Blank as the NFL’s answer to The Continental
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:41 pm
Only one word describes this post: scrumtrulesant.
March 23rd, 2007 at 12:26 am
Outstanding.
And Tracy Morgan as Vick is inspired–in a movie, in real life, whatever.
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:22 am
Next time you need some help at HD and you see a bunch of employees standing around, just go up to one of them and ask if you can pick him out from the “Pumpkin Patch”.
He’ll get the message.
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:47 am
Only one word describes this post: scrumtrulesant
I’m glad to see that X to the Z has made an appearance on the comment board.