The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 2: The Mall
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, I am fucking STONED. What? Where are we? What? Oh man, look at the store directory! All the stores on the first concourse are green, man! They’re fucking green! And all the stores on the second concourse are red! That’s fucked up, man. Where are we? Nordstrom’s? What is that? That smells like old people, man. I can smell the old people from here.
Wait, wait. Never mind. That’s grandma. She’s standing right there. Sorry, grandma. I just so fucking stoned right now. The walls are getting all jiggly!
Where’s the food court? Nah, man. I want some Panda Express. They serve you everything in one bigass bowl. I love that. All food should come in a single bowl. It’s like family style. For one. I am my own family. So true, man. So fucking true.
Is that a Chico’s? I don’t fucking get it, bro. There’s a Chico’s in every fucking mall, and no one’s ever in it. Where is Chico getting all the money? I bet he’s dealing. I bet Chico can get some nasty, fucked up shit that makes the horizon all jagged and shit.
It’s so bright in here, man. Where’s the fucking Sunglass Hut? What? It’s a kiosk and not a hut? That’s fucked up.
Man, there are eight million jewelers in here. Who keeps buying girls all these diamonds? How many tennis bracelets do you need?
Wait, wait, wait. Ha ha HA! I am fucking STONED, grandma. This must be the same feeling you get when you sit on your porch and drink Country Time. It is NICE. You know what I do when I’m really, really fucked up? I go to Bath & Body Works and I smell all the candles. They have a S’Mores candle, and I swear to God it smells EXACTLY like S’Mores. One time I took a bite out of one. It did NOT taste like S’Mores. But look how shiny my teeth are!
I think I have to throw up.
You ever just, like, sit in a Pottery Barn? It’s so tranquil. Oh, oh! You know what I like to do! I like to go to Brooks Brothers, and then have them fit me for a suit. They take you in the back, and they put you on this little pedestal, and then they, like measure you and shit. And it’s those old Italian fuckers that do it. Not fake Italians, like that fuck Tony Danza. Real little Italian men. Like they were just flown in. It’s so fucking classy.
I don’t get it. Sometimes, B. Dalton has porn and sometimes it doesn’t. Holy shit, I’m losing my balance. I think this weed had pesticide on it. There’s no way someone paid $15 million to Daniel fucking Graham. Everyone’s fucked up!
Gap, man. What the fuck? Who needs that much khaki? It’s khaki overload, bro. Even Peyton Manning doesn’t need that much. Dude, Brookstone and Sharper Image are the same goddamn store. And why is that Suncoast pictures still around? Is there any fucking point to that store?
Whoa, I am locked in on that strobe light. I am locked in on it and am now orbiting it. It’s totally sucked me in. You guys go on without me. This may be a while. I am totally in its grasp.
Whoa. That was amazing. I am FUCKED UP. Let’s go to Williams Sonoma. I want to buy a tin of peppermint bark for $40. Did you know you can return anything to LL Bean and they’ll just take it back? I returned a box of wine there once, and I didn’t even get it there! Amazing.
Why does Marcus want to go to Urban Outfitters? Pfft. Ain’t nothing urban about that store. Champs Sports, now THAT is fucking urban, man. White people stay away from that place in droves.
(small angelic choir begins singing in Vick’s head)
Holy shit, the FOOD COURT! Nice. I’mma have a Mrs. Fields cookie before I do anything. They got a cookie pizza! Oh my God, I want a slice. Semi-sweet WITH motherfuckin’ nuts. Let’s go to Taco Bell and drink Fire Sauce right from the packet. And get a small drink. Not a large. They give you free fucking refills, man. A small IS a large. They’re the same. I just blew my own mind. I want Sbarro AND Steak Escape. Is that allowed?
God, this food tastes so fucking good. I’m gonna sleep here.
Photo, as always, courtesy of The Onion.
Tags: Auntie Anne's is highly underrated, Big Daddy Drew, michael vick, weed
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March 7th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
What stoner doesn’t go in Spencer’s Gifts and look at the adult section?
March 7th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Shit. You’re right. Glaring omission.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
no mention of the infamous water bottle. also, i would be willing to bet that a stoned mike vick would be stopping into to victoria’s secrets because we all know he is totally not gay.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
i’ve always been confused by the piano store at montgomery mall (i assume it’s still there). i’ve never seen a soul in the place.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
I was hoping and praying that you would mention Vick going back and forth, over and over again to the free cajun chicken samples on toothpicks at the food court. No diggity DOUBT that nigz would be ON THAT SHIT.
umm..like flies on shit?
March 7th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Fantastic Drew, who knew Michael and me had a love for Panda Express in common?
March 7th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
I think the Suncoast Video mention was my favorite. Excellent post, man. And was Vick in Tyson’s Corner, or is Tyson’s Corner just like every other mall?
March 7th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Sbarro… where Michael Scott goes for authentic New York cuisine.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
If at first you don’t succeed at being funny; just make fun of a space ship exploding or Terry Schiavo!!!!
*cue the cumstain followers w/o jobs taking the defense
March 7th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Holy shit, I’m losing my balance
Holy shit, I just sprayed my computer screen with soda. So does the peppermint candle make your breath all nice and fresh like Orbit gum?
March 7th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
I think the champs sports line was the money line here. Made it all worthwhile.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
The latter, Mottram.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
the $40 tin of peppermint bark at williams-sonoma is classic. i hate that store. i think you would need to be on crack or crystal meth, not weed to spend money on that over priced shit.
also, is it me or do most malls have way to many places to get your haircut ?
March 7th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
“I’m a dumb ‘N’ that’s stoned and got money and I’m foolin’ ya’ll”
[/clint]
March 7th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Spaceship is one word, Clit.
And why are you waiting a year and three months to get married? Is that when she turns 15?
March 7th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Terry Schivo isn’t funny. However the whole media circus & numerous court appeals surrounding that non-event was.
Thank God there is nothing like that going on at CNN right now…
March 7th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
2 comments from the blogfather in 2 days!
March 7th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
2 comments from the blogfather in 2 days!
They hired somebody else to watch over the FanHouse and Sports Bloggers Live is no more. Jamie’s got a lot of free time now.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
is Tyson’s Corner just like every other mall?
It is, unless he’s in Tyson’s II, in which case he would have been arrested upon entry. Uppity bastards.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Clint, I think your tampon is in sideways.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
You guys do the pot post when I’m on lunch break? No fair!
At least Clit is keeping it real.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
My mall has no Tyson’s Corner. We still have Taco Casa, though.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
Have you ever read Diamond Hoggers…on weed?
Yeah, it still sucks.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Yeah, cause your blog is so much better weed against speed.
btw, I still get more pussy than you, so file your comment in the I don’t give a fuck category.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
that was clearly pentagon city and he absolutely would have visited johnny rockets for a double cheesburger then go hit on the jewish girls from GW getting soup at the ABP.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
I kinda figured the strobe light was coming from Spencers.
Also, I bet Marcus would hang around Hot Topic and beat those kids up on their way out.
My mall has a ferris wheel in the food court…I bet Mikey woulda liked that….
March 7th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
How does Clit know so much about everyone? It’s like he knows all and sees all – it’s almost like he’s a blogging deity!
Not only does he claim he can kick every person’s ass on this site (without knowing one thing about them), he also gets more pussy than everyone. I got some news for you fucktard, the Sunrise Adams Pocket Pussy isn’t actually “pussy”.
And what kind of insecure douche has a countdown to his wedding day on his sports “blog”? I’m sure your sister is a nice girl so good luck to you both.
And with that, I’m done wasting my time on such a pathetic, bigoted loser.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
hahaha “+1″ to quote you nutsack pampering fag fucks that hang in the comment box, alll, dayyyy long
March 7th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
There’s no more little towns – it’s all malls! And they’re all the same! The mall in St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit.. it’s got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chess King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap! And every town’s got tow malls! They’ve got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. ‘Cause they’re ain’t nothing in the black mall! Nothing but sneakers and baby clothes!
March 7th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Hey Clint, want a commenting invite at Deadspin?
Lemme know.
Not really.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Hey hey hey…everyone take it easy.
Clint has just got a little sand in his vagina as the wedding day approaches. He’s all nerves and racism.
And yes, I am sure his sister is a nice girl. priceless!
March 7th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Nathan- is that before or after they put on the freshman 25?
Can somebody get a body on that Anne Coulter impersonator?
March 7th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
How does one become a Comment Inviter? That’s really something to throw your power around with. That’s like being head of the boy scouts and now allowing in little johnny.
I wish I got an internship inviting people to comment on an internet site. Imagine how well things will go when I get a real job.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Clit, you talk pretty tough for a guy that has “Oh The Places You Will Go” by Dr. Seuss under favorite books on you blog profile. Wow, that is as gay as it gets. Are you sure your fiance’s name is stepanhie and not stephan ?
March 7th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
I get almost all of my t-shirts and polos from Champs Sports. But it IS urban central – I’m only a half-Rican, and I never see any white dudes in there, ever. But they have ultra long t-shirts, all the alternate NBA unis, and their sizes go up to XXXXL. They always have like 40 of those XXXXL shirts for every L, and I always wonder what they do with those when they don’t sell. I’m guessing they give them to homeless guys on the mall to make tents.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Clint mocks people for “hanging in the comment box” then responds to every comment about him within minutes.
Can we all ignore this deuche and get back to the dick jokes?
March 7th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I’d like to think that Vick would let the Asian kids jumping around on Dance Dance Revolution distract him for at least an hour. Then he’d go to pilates and yoga with Ricky Williams.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Ok, I’m out. I promise I won’t come back until UM or MMP post another “Chat dialogue.”
Now if that wasn’t homo, I don’t know what is. Peace
March 7th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Ruthless Gravity – everybody knows the blowjobs are better AFTER the freshman 25.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
I envision Vick hanging out in the Select Comfort store. After waking up from his nap, he would discover that his Sleep Number is 40.
March 7th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
It’s just like, it’s just like, a mini-mall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk
March 7th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I really thought Micheal would have gone to the pet store and played with all the puppies.
March 7th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Nathan- GW girls after the freshman 25 are a prime example of a situation that calls for a double bagger
March 7th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
danny g – I thought clint was the dick joke.
March 7th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
at least clint doesn’t rip off anyone’s ideas in his blog or anything …
March 7th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
nathan is right. bj’s are better after the freshman 25. most fat chicks know they have to work harder if they want to get some dick !
March 7th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Did Ron Borges help them come up with the idea for that?
March 7th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
WOW! this is HILARIOUS:
“Joel Zumaya has a very powerful arm, yielding fastballs of 98 mph + at times. You think he throws hard, you should see how fast he can beat off.”
Ba-Zing!
“After a bad start last year on the road, Kenny Rogers returned home to Detroit and beat the fuck out of his Labrador. His wife threw him out of the house for a few weeks and he promised he’d never do it again. After she let him back in the house, he then tied the family cat to the railroad tracks and mocked it until it was ran over and died….some guys never learn.”
WOOOOAHHHH! BEST WRITING EVER!
March 7th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
nathan – by writing about him, you’re only making Clint more famous. Or is that Jay Mariotti?
Eh. It doesn’t matter – they’re both fucking losers.
March 7th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
you guys DO know that Clint is STILL checking this comments thread every 28 seconds right? Dude’s just hitting F5.
He’s still lurking…..
March 7th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
It takes a real douchebag to be banned from the BengalsInsider.com message boards, but somehow that turd Clint managed to pull it off. Oh yeah- he was stupid enough to be banned four times:
forums.scout.com/mb.aspx?S=117&F=1756&T=92296
March 7th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Mike would not be able to resist Chick-Fil-A. Their chicken is laced with the best fucking chemicals. If you stare deep into the crystals in the breading while really high, I’m sure you can see god.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Awful Chief – I was thinking the same thing. Just make sure its not on a Sunday or Mike would be shit out of luck.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Good point, Chris. In-n-out and Chick-Fil-A have ruined many a Sunday. Wow, are there any other fast food chains with two hyphens that shut down for some Christ worshiping?
March 7th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
also, the chikin breakfast biscuits and waffle fries also kick ass at chik-fil-a. living in ny i have to wait until i travel somewhere that has chik-fil-a. i’ll give them a pass for loving the lord.
also, whataburger in texas great.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
This conversation begins and ends with White Castle.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
at least clint doesn’t rip off anyone’s ideas in his blog or anything …
Except for the fact that I come up with everything myself, and this is a football blog and mine is about baseball. Yeah, other than that it’s exactly alike, ass.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
I see a promise from Clint is just as good as a comment from Clint.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
In and out burger…mmmm
White Castle…mmmm…mmmm
And I don’t even have the munchies right now.
Quick everyone, got to clint’s blog and bitch him out. It’s really fun and all his readers are doing it!!!
March 7th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
beaverfever – Williams-Sonoma is in the same category as Pier 1 of buying overpriced shit when strung out.
As for haircuts, having a Fantastic Sam’s and a Supercuts in the same mall is definitely overdoing it.
March 7th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
He’s baaack….
March 7th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
let’s just move on.
March 7th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
is there a way to block people on this, cause you know that would be like smart.
By the way you left out the part where he drops of marcus at a mcdonalds with a pack of condoms.
March 7th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
also, is it me or do most malls have way to many places to get your haircut ?
We only have one here.
No stop at the Vietnamese nail salon for Mikey to get some fumes. That’d make him puke.
Completely agree that there are too many jewelers seems like one out of 4 stores is a jewelry store
March 7th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
let’s just move on.
thanks UM. whores are pathetic, but attention whores are even more pathetic.
March 7th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
Annnnnd…scene.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:22 pm
the mall the white people used to go to…
March 8th, 2007 at 12:39 am
“Yo, grandma, I think we lost Marcus when we passed Limited Too.”
March 8th, 2007 at 3:34 am
lol by far one of the most entertaining comment pages everrrr. It kinda reminded me of the part in Billy Madison where Billy’s friend (Weed against speed) is spraying the kid (Clint in this case) with the hose and he’s just begging for mercy but Billy’s friend won’t stop and just keeps on laughing…ya it’s actually exaclty like that. Props to BBD for making this all possible.
anyway,
weed against speed- we have contests about who we’re going to see in White Catle @ like 4am. I usually call for a transexual, 3 hookers, a guy or couple guys with no shoes/feet, and there’s usually a family of 10 eating dinner or breakfast, i’m not quite sure. Either way it’s absolutely pricesless dude.
March 8th, 2007 at 10:28 am
signal to noise: we also forgot pottery barn. talk about a place full of over priced shit and don’t get me started on pottery barn for kids.
the mall up here in albany has 4 places to get your done. wow !
March 8th, 2007 at 10:49 am
clutch247 – thanks for the compliment. I do feel a little guilty taking advantage of a mental midget.
“Words are like bullets.”
March 8th, 2007 at 11:33 am
words are like bullets – they go right through me
March 8th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
I think Ron Mexico’s pissed at us for calling him a stoner…
The Onion
Or maybe he just found out that Joe Horn’s gonna be a teammate and that he’ll be expected to throw the ball more.
March 8th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
beaverfever – Pottery Barn is a money pit for morons.
I can’t imagine why anyone goes into a store with the word “barn” in the name. I remember ex-girlfriends who’d go to the Dress Barn, and I kept wondering if you would actually admit in public company that you shopped at a place with that name.
March 9th, 2007 at 2:01 am
I picture Vick sitting in the massage chair at Brookstone as he downs like 20 Happy Meals.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:36 am
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