Cancer/Countercancer: NFL Free Agency
This week saw the announcement that two somewhat prominent political figures - one the unattractive harpy wife of the king of the trial lawyers and alsoran presidential candidates, the other a soulless repository of glib untruths -
are struggling with cancer. Elizabeth Edwards’ breast cancer has returned and Tony Snow may have to put off the colon rollin’ for a spell.
Oftentimes, KSK writers enjoy a delightfully inappropriate tweaking of current events, but, in general, we’d sooner delve into Andy Reid’s urethra than the realm of politics, therefore we declined our initial impulse to chat up Snow and Edwards about chemo and dealing with personal tragedy in the public eye while still furthering the message of stupid people. And, naturally, football, the unflagging focus of our humble site.
No, we’d rather talk with the cancer, knowing full well how eager the supposed “disease” would be to cut through ther vast anti-polyp bias in the mainstream media.
Christmas Ape: Welcome, cancers.
Edwards’ cancer: Glad to be here.
Snow’s cancer: Hey buddy.
CA: Now, Edwards’ cancer, as breast cancer, how equipped are you to discuss-
EC: Football? Plenty. Remember, breast cancer does affect men. Sure, it’s fewer than one percent of all diagnosed cases, yet I dare you to explain away the fact that 50 percent of NFC East coaches are afflicted.
CA: I can’t. Staggering. Point well made. Let’s begin with a discussion of recent free agent activity. Okay, Chris Cooper to the Cardinals…
EC: Excellent in Breach.
SC: Masterful in Adaptation. Mediocre defensive lineman, however. And totally healthy, insofar as we know. Next.
CA: Marshall Faulk announced his retirement…
EC: Hope he starts smoking.
SC: Or standing in front of a radar gun.
CA: Thoughts on Pacman Jones?
EC: Sorry, we only have insight on actual, not clubhouse, cancer. His marked determination in spreading other forms of disease is admirable, however.
CA: Okay. Moving along. Ken Hamlin to the Cowboys…
SC: Is it irradiated ham? If so, superb signing.
CA: Not sure. Jason Fabini to the Redskins…
EC: The fundamental problem with big fat guys is, even though they’re susceptible to contracting one of us, they’re just as likely to keel over with heart failure.
SC: You go through all the trouble to get your pseudopod in the door and you’re not even a direct cause of death. Very demoralizing.
CA: Still no cure, though.
SC: Yeah, that is nice, let me tell ya. But you never know when that cure might be coming down the pike. I’m just trying to kill as many humans as I can before that happens, then maybe settle down and kill a cat or something.
EC: That tainted pet food is a godsend, by the way.
CA: Alright, I think we’ve reached the end of our time here. Appreciate your taking your time out during this hectic period for you two.
EC: Always a pleasure, Ape. Be sure to always sit real close to your monitor when you’re doing your blog thing. And carry your cell phone in your pants pockets at all times. Maybe play with some plutonium and drink lots of tap water.
CA: Uh, thanks.
Tags: cancer, free agency, in poor taste?, xmas ape
March 28th, 2007 at 8:59 am
Haha, you really did it this time Ape…it’s nice to see they view bone smuggling P.M. Jones as their role model.
March 28th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Next week: Michael Vick’s cocktail of STDs sit on the hot seat?
March 28th, 2007 at 9:37 am
take the question mark off of “in poor taste?” it is. and this site was built on bad taste. and rock n’ roll.
March 28th, 2007 at 9:37 am
I wish I could say this crossed a line, but I likely smeared it when I fell out of my chair laughing.
In that case, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
March 28th, 2007 at 10:14 am
folowed by pacman jones’ mental deamons.
March 28th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Good interview, but I am eagerly waiting the interview with Charlie Weiss’ stomach staple.
Or Bill Parcell’s/Andy Reid’s FUPAs
March 28th, 2007 at 10:22 am
cahrlie weis stomach staple is not availible as it is swamped in work.
oh and how bout an interview with corey simons knee and its misterious ailment which is apparently a knee virus.
March 28th, 2007 at 10:41 am
Very true about Weiss’ staple.
Maybe KSK can get the interview rights to Joe Thiesman’s inner monologue when he was told he was being replaced on MNF by Ron Jaworski.
Nahhh, stike that. That interview = dryer than a saltine
March 28th, 2007 at 11:03 am
HPV can cause cervical cancer in women, but it does nothing to men. It’s the coolest disease out there. Except for maybe feline AIDS.
March 28th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Sorry folks, this hits a little close to home, so I can’t really say much.
I do look forward to other forms of depravity on KSK.
March 28th, 2007 at 11:30 am
My wife has feline AIDS!
March 28th, 2007 at 11:37 am
This is the first post tagged with ‘in poor taste?’ Really?
March 28th, 2007 at 11:42 am
btw, if you can’t get your hands on any plutonium you can always use some radium, thorium, or uranium.
March 28th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
LCD screens do not emit any radiation. sit as close as you want.
March 28th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
well, that did it. g’bye!
March 28th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
I’m with you on this devang, for the same reason. Not cool guys.
March 28th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Wow. A 14 week old blood sausage left in the sun all day would be in better taste than this post.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
March 28th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the… the, uh… [aside] What cures cancer?
-Wiggum
March 28th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Sorry folks, this hits a little close to home, so I can’t really say much.
well, that did it. g’bye!
I’m with you on this devang, for the same reason. Not cool guys.
Oh, Christ. We ALL know somebody who died from cancer. Lighten up, Francis. It’s just a deadly disease.
March 28th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
you know what else is totally uncool?
cancer
March 28th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Chiggity check yourself.
March 28th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
If we’re not allowed to laugh, the cancer has already won.
March 28th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
How about a Rudy Galindo or Magic Johnson HIV conversation?
Yes, I just pulled out my list of athletes with HIV and these 2 were the 11st 2 names on the list
March 28th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Lighten up, Francis
Call me Francis, I’ll kill ya…
March 28th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
@burnsy– Yeah, but remember that time your pee burned? ‘Cause I didn’t feel a thing. Hahahaha
March 28th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Touche. Well-played, Mamacita.
March 28th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Ya know I have a real problem with this post and here is why: You can’t “contract” cancer.
March 28th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
I heard that if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer.
Oh, wait…I can’t smack any of you from where I’m sitting.
March 28th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
I’m shocked no one quoted that Terrence and Philip gem:
“I wish you CANCER…of the head!”
March 29th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
any of you touch my stuff, and i’ll kill ya
May 1st, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Check the address below for more information about cancer:
http://www.loranbase.com/idx/21/0/Cancer.html