Better Know a Draft Pick: Joe Thomas
03.20.07Welcome to the first latest installment of KSK’s newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We’ll lead up to April’s draft by giving you all the pertinent info you’ll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.
Name: Joe “Wonderbread” Thomas
Height: Somewhere between Alando Tucker and Brian Butch
Weight: When he got on the digital scale it started leaking battery acid
Urine Test: Velveeta
Stool Sample: Corn. Lots of corn.
Mainstream Comparison: Jonathan Ogden
KSK Comparison: Michael Lewis’ recurring wet dream (not to be confused with his other recurring wet dream featuring a nude Tabitha Soren traipsing around the Oakland A’s locker room).
Who Wants Him: David Carr’s bruised ass
Who Will Take Him: Some shitty team that wants to bore their fans
Hobbies: Basting fat chicks in the tub
Favorite Food: Miracle Whip sandwiches and his salt lick
Favorite Expression: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He once ate the corpse of his uncle Dave after defeating the Wendy’s founder in a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger eating contest.
Immediate Impact: Seismic
Down the Road: Dementia pugilistica and robot legs…not a bad trade-off
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![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/05/mike-mayock-nfl-analyst-150x150.jpg)
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awful chief, to clarify they are jean shorts. i thought knee high jeans was more appropriate because they looked more like jeans than shorts. either way the only example i could find was in the video from letters to cleo for “here and now”. check out the link, she is cute and wearing cut off jean shorts with stockings. i think this song came out in ’93.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=whr5g88bSAA
Nice work, UM.
Speaking of childhood, that photo of Thomas looks like the Kool-Aid pitcher breaking down a living room wall. “Oh, yeah!”
No body suits mentioned!??! And the trashy trollops who wore them? I think I miss all the sex I wasn’t having in HS.
I’m still trying to purge the “fashion” of the ’80s. The only thing good about that decade is that white people still dance like they’re in a John Hughes movie.
Come on people. No tight rolling of jeans comments yet?
And Mr. Magoo. Don’t be forgetting Mr. Magoo.
Listen, mister. Jeff Backus was brilliant as Thurston Howell, and I’ll be damned if I’ll just sit here and let you badmouth him.
beaverfever, knee high jeans sound a lot like jean shorts to me. If there is a link to a photo that would clear things up, i would appreciate it.
ghrf, I feel your pain. In the past 11 drafts the Lions have taken four offensive linemen in the 1st round:
Jeff Backus – mediocre
Stockar McDougle – shitty
Aaron Gibson – shitty, fattest player in NFL history, largest head in NFL history
Jeff Hartings – 2x pro bowler after leaving the Lions
no doubt to show their love for home state hero jon bon jovi.
Sigh!!…everyone forgets Bruce.
devang, jersey girls rocked the most hairspray along with the hooker look. no doubt to show their love for home state hero jon bon jovi.
He’s hauling ass because somebody stole:
_o
J^e’s Lunch
@beaverfever. Don’t forget the gum popping frizzy hairspray helmet hooker look.
maybe it was just in Jersey
Yeah taking offensive linemen high in the draft is a great idea I mean look at my raiders we got Gallery and look at how good our o-line is….sigh….I’m gonna gonna go find a corner and softly cry myself to sleep.
this is coming close to spiraling into a bad late 80′s/early 90′s fashion post. btw, does anyone remember when girls would wear black stockings with knee high jeans ? God I loved that look for some reason. maybe that was just a Northeast/New England look
Someone out there currently has photos of me in an Ocean Pacific t-shirt and obscenely-colored Jams short shorts.
I’m not proud. But I was young and I needed the money.
“Holding, number 45, offense, ten yard penalty, repeat third down.”
I can totally see him as a Lion.
Hey burnsy, I’m trying to forget that Cavaricci and black high top Reebok era. The 80s were a BAAAAD fashion decade
County Seat, Walk. Chess King was where I picked up my Cavaricci’s.
not a problem
Did his lumbering running style shake the “C” and “T” off that Colt 45 shirt he’s wearing?
No. But it did knock the “0″ off the shirt-front weight report.
Mmmm….salt licks
Burnsy:
Skidz? Hypercolor? Hilarious. You obviously shopped at Chess King too.
Did his lumbering running style shake the “C” and “T” off that Colt 45 shirt he’s wearing?
Kubiak – Parker Lewis Can’t Loose. Who’s with me? Synchronize swatches.
i think he looks like baby huey.
http://home.att.net/~thft/huey.gif
michael lewis wet dream… wow.
What percentage of draft picks are overweight guys that are funny to watch run, do the cones, etc? no wonder the combine is on tv
http://www.amblersports.blogspot.com
You’re right, Awful Chief. That is some impressive mallwalking there. I’m surprised he isn’t clutching an Orange Julius cup.
“Awww, Joe Thomas straight!”
Otto- any day that I see a “Blazing Saddles” reference is a better one.
“Joe Thomas like candy!”
It kind of looks like he has both feet touching the ground. What’s a good 40 yard powerwalk time these days?
Or maybe we’ll see Joe Thomas host the popular infomercial ” Your Robot Legs and You, a robotastic team!”
One day we will all see Joe Thomas host “Cobwebs in the Attic – Living with Dementia pugilistica” on HGHTV
Joe Thomas only pawn in game of life.
That linked picture looks like Arli$$ on HGH.
I think he 4looks more like Liev (sic) Schreiber
Just to let you know, John Sencio now hosts “Cash In The Attic” on HGTV.
We are all old.
I knew they were married, I just hadn’t heard anyone mention her since I yelled at my mom for washing my Skidz with my Hypercolor.
tabitha soren is married to michael lewis.
If they ever divorce, we’ll find out if Clinton hit it or not.
Moneyball, indeed.
So are all of the installments going to be the first installment?
copy and pasting is not as easy as the media would lead you to believe.
burnsy- tabitha soren is married to michael lewis.
I’m in shock over the Tabitha Soren reference. I’ll have to share that with John Sencio when he’s done cleaning my office shitter.
That has got to be a huge belly-button.
So are all of the installments going to be the first installment?
jesus, that’s a disturbing image
That linked picture looks like Arli$$ on HGH.
Whoa. Based on that picture, the one category I want covered is “Age.” How old is that fat fuck?
He looks older than Greg Oden, who’s gotta be at least 43.