Via the evil geniuses at the Postmen, we learned of Sports Business Journal’s list of the twenty most influential people in online sports. Personally, I haven’t eyeballed a Street & Smith publication since Walter Berry graced their college basketball preview sometime during the Pleistocene Era, so I can’t vouch for accuracy of this list. But to the extent there are a few remaining people in sports media KSK hasn’t libeled yet, allow us to break down the rankings.

Bob Bowman (President, CEO, MLB Advanced Media)

This dude gets rewarded with number one for fucking over baseball fans with impunity. “What’s that, you say you can’t get DirecTV? Have fun squinting at the Zapruder-quality games on MLB.com. ” Thanks, prick.

John Kosner (Senior VP, GM, New Media, ESPN)

If the Sports Guy walks away, Kosner will find himself handing out paper towels in the men’s room of an upscale Bristol chophouse.

Steve Snyder (COO, CBS Interactive)

Favorite movie: the Crying Game.
Favorite salad: egg.

Jeff Price (President, SI Digital)

This is total horseflop. Jeff Price’s RPI is 79 and he has lost three of the last four at home. Yet he is still ranked fourth and will probably land a number one seed. Damned east-coast bias.

Brian Rolapp (VP, media strategy, NFL)

Spends most nights alone watching the DoodleBops in his underwear with the shades up and light on. Makes underlings call him “Billy Ocean.”

Brian Grey (Senior VP, GM, FoxSports.com)

Nothing against this guy personally, but FoxSports.com is the turd in the punchbowl of internet sports resources.

Steve Grimes (Senior director, interactive services, NBA)

I promised myself when I started writing this post that I wouldn’t clown on anyone’s picture. That’s cheap humor, plus I’m not exactly Troy Donahue myself. But Fred Flintstone here doesn’t just have a five o’clock shadow, he has a five o’clock eclipse.

Dick Glover (VP, broadcasting, new media, NASCAR)

“Dick Glover.” “Dick Glover” “Dick Glover.” For the life of me I can’t think of a joke for Dick Glover.

Brian Bedol (President, CEO, CSTV)

CSTV gave us college softball, wrestling and lacrosse. It could have been worse, they could have given us crabs too.

Neal Scarbrough (GM, Editor, AOL Sports)

Look out, Neal, another round of AOL Time-Warner layoffs are sneaking up behind you! Naw, we’re just yanking your chain. But seriously, the Bobs want to meet with you in fifteen minutes.

Shannon Terry (CEO, Rivals.com)

We actually like this guy. Those Rivals message boards keep the dumb kids down in the shallow end of the pool. (“KETNUCKY WILDCATS R TEH SHIZZNIT!!!! FIRE TUBBY!!! JOANN KIM NOAH IS A PU$$Y”) . Actually, they’re right about Noah.

Bill Simmons (Columnist, ESPN.com)

My calendar says March has arrived. Which means it is now time for a venerable rite of spring: for the next month Simmons will pretend he follows college basketball.

Mark Cuban (Owner, Chicago Cubs, Dallas Mavericks)

We love Cubes, but BlogMaverick has long since turned into BitchAboutYouTubeIncessantly.com. His site has about as much to do with sports or the NBA as StuffOnMyCat.com.

Scott Bailey (VP, GM, business operations, Turner Sports New Media)

Has heard countless stories about a coked-up Ted Turner calling and demanding they bring back “Saturday night wrasslin’ on the Superstation.”

Paul Johnson (VP, new media, PGA Tour)

Asked for a raise, but they gave him a fancy title instead. Once saw Phil Mickelson changing in the gentlemen’s locker room at Crooked Stick. Has been confused (and a little curious) ever since.

Dave Morgan (Executive editor, Yahoo! Sports)

Yahoo! Sports thinks someone, somewhere gives a rat’s dick about who gave Reggie Bush what while he at USC. They don’t.

Keith Ritter (President, NHL Interactive CyberEnterprises)

Nobody in the NHL is the one of the twenty most influential people in anything. The whole league is circling around the bowl. An Amish rake-fighting league would get better ratings.

Claude Ruibal (Chairman, CEO, WCSN)

Cries after sex. Bad tipper.

Peter King (Columnist, SI.com)

Never heard of him.

Will Leitch (Editor, Deadspin.com)

Apparently, Sports Business Journal couldn’t find a picture of Will, so they just went with one of the guys from Panic! at the Disco. Lazy journalism at its most egregious.

[Note: some of these suits look a little litigious, so the KSK legal team advises us to make sure to tell everyone that this is a joke, dumbass. Except the part about the NHL, those assholes are on the way out.]