Fuck, I need to write-up the cheerleader post. Gotta write something funny, something for the end of the week, but why? These assholes are just gonna spank it to the pic and then take a nap. Who cares? It’s almost filler, like the We Have To Ask post on Deadspin. Just get a few comments from the peeps and we’re good.
Wow, I haven’t written shit in like two weeks. This is not good. We’ve all been kinda slacking, though. So much going on with free agency and the draft, too. The Browns want Trent Green, are they fucking serious? Roger Goodell trying to be all Mother Superior and shit. Good luck, Opie. No creative juices in my juice. I guess Drew shouldn’t have taken the espresso machine out of the KSK break room. So sleepy…
I got a hedgehog about three weeks ago. Her name is Betty. I named her after America Ferrera’s character on that one show. Sorry, there’s no fucking way I’m naming a hedgehog “America.” That’s something the fucking Somalis would do.
Nice work, Punter, cracking on the Somalis like that. Get ready for all that Somalian hate mail now, you shithead. You better hope those assholes haven’t figured out how to send anthrax in a jpeg attachment.
Holy shit, I’m just rambling now. Four paragraphs in and I haven’t said a fucking thing. You think this might be a good spot to wrap it up? That’s it. Just drop it in there now.
Good.
Damn, she has got it going on. Alright, now say something witty about how she looks. Say that you’d eat walnuts out of her ass. No, you dipshit, you say that about EVERYBODY! I think you even said that about Ufford once. You fucking homo.
Hey, dipshit? You can stop typing anytime, or at least not type EVERY FUCKING THOUGHT that creeps into you sick fucking head. Am I really swearing in my head this much? How would I even know?
Fuck, I really can’t stop. I am just a rambling fuckknob at this point. Wow, fuckknob looks really weird in type, with that double-k and all. Tex is talking to me about options now. This is Tex’s last day. You don’t care. Sweet Christ, what am I doing?
God, if Andie and Save The Steagles had a wet t-shirt contest, I think my pants would explode. Should I try to meet Will in Atlanta this weekend? I’m pretty sure weightlifting and online chess cancel each other out. Why does my asshole itch so much? Stop! STOP! STOOOOOOP!!!!
I think I need a Diet Coke. Yeah, that sounds good.
We had a tough time choosing this week’s KSK mock draft. I was a big fan of drafting fruit. Punter thought the idea of drafting fruit was retarded. Which is why I liked it to begin with. Then we considered last meals, only everyone ended up picking different cuts of steak (and UM insisted on including some froufrou wine). So that was out. Porn stars? YOU try finding images of porn stars that are SFW. It’s a bitch. Ice cream flavors? I would have stabbed anyone who took mint chocolate chip first.
Superheroes? Too nerdy.
People we’d want to write our autobiography? Too gay.
Hangover cures? Too obvious.
Movies that should be banned? Too played.
Deadspin commenters? Too meta.
Beers? Too broad.
Board Games We’d Choose If Death Awaited The Loser? Eh, okay. Why not.
Okay, so the rules are: you will play another random person at this board game. If you lose, you will fucking die. On the spot. Like a seal being eaten by a shark. The order: Punter, CC, UM, flubby, me, Ape. Serpentine draft. My… my… my serpenteeeeeeeen!
Round 1, Pick 1 – Punter – Stratego
“Military strategy game is a composite of chess, war (the card game), and capture-the-flag. You can set your pieces any way you choose, and then attack. An awesome board game in its day, and one that would be quite appropriate to play with one’s life in the balance.”
I suck at this game. Needless to say, it was not on my draft board.
Round 1, Pick 2 – CC – Scrabble
“Hey, I’m playing for my fucking life. I’m going with the game where I’m undefeated for the last four years. As long as I’m not playing Stefan Fatsis I should be good to go.”
I would fucking murder Ufford at Scrabble. And I’d kick Bill Simmons’ ass, too. Even if he cheated, and there’s evidence he’s just that big of a douchebag. Plus, I have the advantage of knowing that “qi” and “za” were just added to the official word list. Winner: Drew
Round 1, Pick 3 – UM – Trivial Pursuit
“In a life and death situation I can always fall back on my encyclopedic knowledge of trivial bits of knowledge.”
I too am quite good at Trivial Pursuit, unless it’s one of those original sets from the 80’s where half the geography questions were about Canada and the “Entertainment” category asked only questions about films made prior to 1942. And whenever I landed on “Sports and Leisure”, I always end up getting a leisure question. How many pegs are on a cribbage board? Fuck you, that’s my answer.
Round 1, Pick 4 – flubby – Dominoes
“Dominoes. I can play the hell out of some dominoes. Plus, I can make an ASCII double-six domino. Check it out: [:::|:::]
Man, am I talented.”
Then flubby did a double one:
“[ · | · ] SKILLZ MOTHERFUCKER!!!!”
I’m pretty sure dominoes isn’t a board game, but I’ll let it pass.
Round 1, Pick 5 – Me – Monopoly
“But only if we put $500 in Free Parking and allow multiple hotel building. And I get to be the dog. Then I can seize New York Avenue, throw three hotels in there, and then squeal with delight as opponents roll a 7, think they’ve hit Free Parking, only to realize they counted spaces wrong and are now buttfucked. You just dealt with the dawg, bitch.”
Punter vehemently objected to my house rules:
“THERE’S NO MONEY IN FREE PARKING IN THE REAL GAME THAT’S BULLSHIT!!”
Fucking fascist.
Round 1, Pick 6 – Ape – Clue
“Like, Monopoly, you have to play with at least four people or it’s too damn easy. Also, it has to be the Master Detective version. Fuck the purists. There’s more stuff, meaning it’s more difficult. And communism was just a red herring.”
The best ending to the “Clue” movie? The third one. The second one, where Mrs. Peacock killed them all, was bullshit.
Round 2, Pick 7 – Ape – Jenga
“I can utilize my surgical precision of motion without sticking my hand in some dude, as in Operation.”
God, I suck at Operation. Good call.
Round 2, Pick 8 – Me – Cranium
“Okay, so the drawing something with your eyes closed part is fucking impossible, and I hate trying to sculpt shit out of that fucking clay, but I can handle the rest of the game fairly well.”
Round 2, Pick 9 – flubby – Backgammon
“I just can’t think of anything interesting to say about backgammon.”
Is this a board game? I think it’s usually played inside a briefcase. Flubby continues to flirt with the rules. Anarchist.
“With my life hanging in the balance I like the idea of a zero-sum battle of the minds. Oh Jesus, I’m going to die.”
I’ve never heard of this game. It looks like Othello, only even more head-splitting.
Round 2, Pick 11 – CC – Risk
“Nobody has the stamina and patience to ever finish a damn game, which means it’s highly unlikely that I’ll lose. Plus this gives commenters the chance to re-heat the predictable and and not terribly funny “Ukraine strong!” joke from Seinfeld. Also, I love saying the word Kamchatka.”
“This game is pretty fucking sweet. The tower was computerized. You killed people, bought food, killed some more people, and then roamed some countryside and shit. Plus, Pegasus is in the game! I don’t see no Pegasus in fucking Monopoly, that’s for gaddam sure.
This was my favorite game as a kid, even though I only won one time. The fact that it is so obscure gives me a critical edge.”
It’s like World of Warcraft, only REAL! And plastic!
Round 3, Pick 13 – Punter – Scene It (Movie Version)
“Yes, there’s a DVD in it, but there’s also cards, and it is played on a board. Plus, the game is so damn easy. It’s not uncommon for me to pull it out when a party dies down and ask, ‘How about me against everyone?’”
Punter also asks this question when he walks into sporting goods stores and Taco Bells.
“Okay, so there’s no board, but nobody objected to dominoes, so this damn well better get a pass. Pass the Pigs is the absolute balls. I love this game, and I will absolutely lie and cheat to win. However, we’d have to play best-of-nine in order to make sure the best player (me) won. Otherwise a pair of cold pigs could cause my untimely death.”
I’ve never heard of this game. “Pass the Pigs” sounds like some kind of game baseball players play with slumpbusters.
Round 2, Pick 15 – UM – Knock Hockey
“I was going to go in a different direction but if Pass the motherfucking Pigs is a board game then the field opens up a bit. You can try to beat me in knock hockey, but you will undoubtably go home humbled.”
Round 2, Pick 16 – flubby – Yahtzee
“I used to play with my grandmother when I was a little kid. I think I still got the skills if my life depended on it.“
And flubby goes three rounds without picking an actual board game. You gotta love Kentuckians.
“Want to go from Miami to Seattle? Better pay my track fee, bitch. No one rides for free when I own the Sante Fe AND the Union Pacific. Not even the hoboes. They get shot first.”
“Because I wanted to pick something really gnay. That and all the board games in which I’m even marginally skilled have been taken, I’d take one that totally haphazard. I’d pick Battleship if I wanted something cooler, but I always lose.”
When you think about it, Battleship is just a more masculine version of Go Fish. But hey, everyone loves imitating the old ad when they’re battleship gets sunk. Also, everyone always chooses the red pegs. The white pegs are for homos. I liked the deluxe edition of Battleship that made actual sounds when your shit got hit. I only wish the horrible screams of sailors burning to death had also been included.
And there’s your draft. You’ll notice none of us picked chess. Says a lot about us as a group, and that is that we aren’t Asian. I’m sure we missed a few. Your picks in the comments. Next week’s draft promises to be a doozy.
There was an episode of The Larry Sanders Show where Larry was about to nail Sharon Stone, only he couldn’t get an erection until his show was on TV. And if there’s any real-life broadcaster who fits that profile, why it’s gotta be Keith Olbermann. It appears Keith has become quite the coxsman as of late. First there was this story in October:
A BROWN-haired beauty who claims she had an unsatisfying one-night stand with Keith Olbermann is getting her sweet revenge - she’s launched a blog to warn other women about the acerbic MSNBC commentator’s boorish bedroom habits.
The bitter babe, who calls herself KarmaBites1, says she doesn’t want others “to fall into the same trap . . . and I want him to feel some remorse for what he’s done . . . He sets his mind on a woman, lures her in, and once he gets what he wants, he refuses to ever speak to them again. And I don’t think he understands the damage he’s caused.”
Sounds like every other single guy to me. I have no issue with this.
…when “sexual activity began [in] less than an hour,” Olbermann had difficulty. “I pretended he knew what he was doing,” the embittered blogger writes. “I adored the guy. I didn’t want him to think he was a dud in bed,” so she faked experiencing ecstasy.
Next, he piled on excuses as to why he had to leave. “He told me he’s an insomniac and that it’s hard for him not to sleep in his own bed. He also mentioned he hadn’t had ‘company’ in a while. [He said] he had an early meeting with the Yankees [and] he might be allergic to the pillows in the hotel bed.”
I don’t know why Keith needed three excuses. One usually suffices before bolting for the door.
Six days later, she claims, Olbermann e-mailed her to tell her never to contact him again. “I practically begged him to explain what I did wrong. I told him I deserved some kind of explanation for such a dismissal, but I never heard from him again.” She said she’s since heard from six other women who say they had brief sexual relationships with Olbermann. She named her blog forthisreliefmuchthanks.blogspot.com, after a line from “Hamlet” she says the perennial bachelor quoted.
So, does he quote that after he’s experienced sexual release? Because that’s something I could see Olbermann or any writer at McSweeney’s doing. So there’s the preface. Now we come to today, with this item, again from the fabulous Page Six:
MESSAGE to Keith (”The Quick”) Olbermann’s girlfriend: Your man likes porn stars. Triple-X sex siren Mary Carey told Free-FM’s “Radio Chick” show that the MSNBC blabbermouth once called her and left a “rambling message” in which he asked her out. But Carey, star of such steamy adult classics as “Boobsville Sorority Girls,” says she turned him down “because I had a boyfriend at the time.” Olbermann - who last year was accused of bedding, then dumping, a sexy young fan who then blogged about what she called their lackluster fling - is now dating a young college grad. But Olbermann’s rep insisted it was Carey who called him. Olbermann had her as a guest on his show in 2003 when she was running for governor of California. “It’s a well-documented fact that Keith is off the market,” the flack added.
I have a hard time believing Mary Carey would turn down a bologna sandwich, much less sex from a famous, rich person. So I’m gonna side with Keith here. But it’s nice that he’s dating a young college grad now. Presumably, he needs to date girls who are still young enough to remember lines from Shakespeare they were forced to read in school. Excelsior to you, Keith. You got to Suzy Kolber before she turned into a lesbian, and now you’re shootin’ for the younguns. Well played.
Oh, and someone else blogged about nailing Keith as well, in a farcical manner.
This week saw the announcement that two somewhat prominent political figures - one the unattractive harpy wife of the king of the trial lawyers and alsoran presidential candidates, the other a soulless repository of glib untruths - are struggling with cancer. Elizabeth Edwards’ breast cancer has returned and Tony Snow may have to put off the colon rollin’ for a spell.
Oftentimes, KSK writers enjoy a delightfully inappropriate tweaking of current events, but, in general, we’d sooner delve into Andy Reid’s urethra than the realm of politics, therefore we declined our initial impulse to chat up Snow and Edwards about chemo and dealing with personal tragedy in the public eye while still furthering the message of stupid people. And, naturally, football, the unflagging focus of our humble site.
No, we’d rather talk with the cancer, knowing full well how eager the supposed “disease” would be to cut through ther vast anti-polyp bias in the mainstream media.
Christmas Ape: Welcome, cancers.
Edwards’ cancer: Glad to be here.
Snow’s cancer: Hey buddy.
CA: Now, Edwards’ cancer, as breast cancer, how equipped are you to discuss-
EC: Football? Plenty. Remember, breast cancer does affect men. Sure, it’s fewer than one percent of all diagnosed cases, yet I dare you to explain away the fact that 50 percent of NFC East coaches are afflicted.
CA: I can’t. Staggering. Point well made. Let’s begin with a discussion of recent free agent activity. Okay, Chris Cooper to the Cardinals…
SC: Masterful in Adaptation. Mediocre defensive lineman, however. And totally healthy, insofar as we know. Next.
CA: Marshall Faulk announced his retirement…
EC: Hope he starts smoking.
SC: Or standing in front of a radar gun.
CA: Thoughts on Pacman Jones?
EC: Sorry, we only have insight on actual, not clubhouse, cancer. His marked determination in spreading other forms of disease is admirable, however.
CA: Okay. Moving along. Ken Hamlin to the Cowboys…
SC: Is it irradiated ham? If so, superb signing.
CA: Not sure. Jason Fabini to the Redskins…
EC: The fundamental problem with big fat guys is, even though they’re susceptible to contracting one of us, they’re just as likely to keel over with heart failure.
SC: You go through all the trouble to get your pseudopod in the door and you’re not even a direct cause of death. Very demoralizing.
CA: Still no cure, though.
SC: Yeah, that is nice, let me tell ya. But you never know when that cure might be coming down the pike. I’m just trying to kill as many humans as I can before that happens, then maybe settle down and kill a cat or something.
EC: That tainted pet food is a godsend, by the way.
CA: Alright, I think we’ve reached the end of our time here. Appreciate your taking your time out during this hectic period for you two.
EC: Always a pleasure, Ape. Be sure to always sit real close to your monitor when you’re doing your blog thing. And carry your cell phone in your pants pockets at all times. Maybe play with some plutonium and drink lots of tap water.
If you haven’t filled out your brackets over at the Name of the Year blog, you’d best do it in a hurry. Me, I picked Vanilla Dong to take it all, with bonus points for irony if Vanilla Dong is a black person. Inspired by that blog, and by John Hodgman’s 700 hobo names, I’ve compiled a handy list of 100 future NFL stars. These are players who do not exist yet. So, should you find yourself giving birth to a future All-Pro, feel free to partake from this list. Just be sure you use Bigdaddydrew for a middle name.
-Whip Jensen -Thunderstick Cherry -#1 Pinckney -Frankincense Cornell -Asswipe Johnson -Peytonmanning Manning -ESPNClassic Bailey -Gandalf Jackson -Colt Schmuck -Snatch Tucker -Tucker Snatch -Dracula Washington IV -James “Assboulders” Jameson -Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder McNabb -Heroin Marinovich -Ding Dong -Iron Douglas -Freebird Skynyrd Mayweather -Leather Berman -Sexualize Funtime -FUBU Jefferson -FUBU Wright -FUBU Babyphat Nelson -D’Var’Shon’Ex Dellacroix -Unytas Thompson -Irresistible Force Garrison -Immovable Object Garrison -Sexcannon Cammon -Puddingcan Vick -Highlife Morgan -Qock Dergan -Arcade McNown -Majestic Stevens -Deez Nutz Carlson -Pale Rider Ufford -Taylortyler Reese -Haterationiswrong Loverman -DeVry Hickenlooper -Wutang Clanton -Lean Kiel -Metal Gear Solid Varney -iPod Lowenstein -iTunes Music Store Lowenstein -Sword Swanson -Magiccock Blaster Kim -Fuckgisele Brady-Moynahan -‘Ggyuonn (pronounced John) Nelligan -Chattanooga Choochoo -Defies Categorization Yukendo -Budweiser Hot Seat Smith -Mr. Tibbs Tibbs -Quizshow Redding -Touch The Sky Cioffi -Frantz Underpantz Besen -Seanito Salibury -KFC Jones -Allterrainvehicle Farley -Mary Beth King -Pharris Bueller Bueller -Raped Zimmer -Anti-Vincent Vincent -Beastieboy Gregory -Gatorade Frost Kingston -Glandular Problem Brown -Eyenstein Theismann -Tarquin Flimbim Limbim Bustop Fetang Fetang Ole Biscuitbarrel -Dictionary Encyclopedia Phelps -Purpleone Savior Wilson -Grade A Huber -Magic Hat No. 9 Fischer -Sociology Professor Dickson -Volt McCumber -Doctor Asstap Harden -Fabian Darian IV Hibbert IV -Blackie Lawless -Levi Dockers Jones -Tarantula Adams -Milkdud Carter -I Ain’t Signing Shit (or IASS) Gibbons -Jamesbond Schwatrz -Anquandejuandanteantwan Farrelly -! Morris -Chevy Tahoe Vardell -Duke Of York Bonger -Scooter Cooter -Has2fuck Garrison -Ray “Christ” Lewis Jr. -Auschwitz Derringer (excellent sprinter) -Playa Player -Hypnotiq Van de Kamp -Grandtheftauto Vicecity Lorring -Myspace Fellatio -Crown Royal -Britny Fox -Megatron Vampira -Kingofpop 2.0 Quinnipiac -Meatwad -Eczema Phillips -Topgun Simmons -Git-r-done McMasters
This list clearly needs improvement. Yours in the comments.
Height: He’d offer you a ride in his limo, but he’s got to stretch his shit out. He’s a tall drink of water, don’t want to wrinkle anything. Weight: 21.5 Stones
Urine Sample: Excellence Stool Sample: Smells like Calvin Klein’s Obsession…for Teeth Ass
Mainstream Comparison: Adewale Ogunleye (real original guys!) KSK Comparison: Harold Wormser
Who Wants Him: ME! I think I’m developing a new man-crush. Who Will Take Him: If he doesn’t come willingly I will take him by force.
Hobbies: The same as any red-blooded 19 year old… Going to R rated movies without a parent or guardian, drinking, voting, tobacco products, renting cars, military service, making sexy time with 17 year-olds, and jury duty. Favorite Food: The Souls of Black Folk…or was that his favorite book? My notes are a bit messy but the book makes a bit more sense. Favorite Expression: Cellar door
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He started high school at the age of twelve because he was so fucking smart after moving from Nigeria (suck on that you racist internet trolls!) Then he played every game as a 16 year-old frosh at Louisville while taking on a course load that would make a Wyatt Sexton go off the deep end. He graduated at the age of 19 after 3.5 years making him the smartest person in the history of Kentucky not named Flubby, Mrs. Flubby, Lil’ Gusflub, or Colonel Sanders.
Immediate Impact: Dick Vermeil thinks he’ll be great as soon as he loses the diapers.
Down the Road: Because he’s starting his career at such a young age he’s going to hit free agency at the age of 24. Most guys sign that contract when they’re 26 or 27. As long as he puts together a good career he’s looking at a rookie contract and three big time veteran contracts. Hey Amobi, you’re going to need a damn good (read: Jewish) agent. So, uh…challah at a brother!
Update: It looks like Dan Snyder is once again driving me to the ledge. Instead of drafting my boy Okoye he wants to trade for Lance Briggs. So who would you rather have on your team, the gifted, brilliant, young lineman or the guy who keeps threatening to initiate Operation Shutdown? All of these great linebackers from the U of A and we have to go after this douche? Why didn’t we just keep Antonio Pierce? FUCK!
If you’re a fan of doing drugs (and who isn’t?), I hope you’re watching “Planet Earth” on the Discovery Channel. And I hope you’ve got some of your highest grade sticky icky with you when you do so. Discovery Channel and the BBC sent out a shitload of photographers with high-definition cameras around the world for months on end. These are powerful cameras that could focus on your genitals one pube at a time from a mile away. So did they use this incredible technology to go do something useful, like find bin Laden? Fuck no. They used it to get some killer animal snuff porn just for me.
In this clip, a great white shark shoots out of the water and swallows a seal whole. One bite. Arf! Arf! *CHOMP*. You’re fucking dead, Seal. No more making babies with Heidi Klum for you. The Great White Shark: it’s the Shawne Merriman of the depths. Be sure to check out the 1:30 mark, when the shark leaps clean out of the water in order to fuck the seal up. It’s tremendous. Last night, they also showed a pack of wild dogs feasting on the carcass of an impala (that’s an actual animal, not a Chevrolet). Was it a good night of killing in Big Daddy Drew’s house? Fuck and yes.
You’re well aware of the douchebags at PETA, the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals. You know who’s not for the ethical treatment of animals? ANIMALS. They fucking want each other dead. And that’s cool by me. Soon only I will remain, and then I’ll be king of the world, free to watch all the animal death movies I please.
NOTE: This is a clip from the British version. The American version is narrated by Sigourney Weaver, who has yet to fulfill her destiny by playing a women’s basketball coach on the silver screen.
Hi, everyone. This is ordinarily where we’d have a real post talking about the imminent end to the Theismann Era at Monday Night Football. But the gay mafia is suffering from a rash of sick wives and girlfriends, as well as a nasty rash. So let’s just go ahead and open up the comments — tell us how excited you are for Ron Jaworski to replace Joey T, look back on the dumb things Theeeeesmann spouted over the years, or go against the grain and tell us that TK shoulda been shitcanned, too.
Have at it, our lovely little piranhas. We promise to be back in action with entertaining-ish posts soon.
As you may or may not know, Peyton Manning is hosting SNL this weekend. Personally, I was really looking forward to him appearing in that “Mad About Shoe!” sketch (and the “NYPD Shoe!” one as well). Alas, as a parent, I now usually go to sleep earlier than Tony Kornheiser. You crazy kids up past 5PM are up to no good!
As such, I leave this thread open to you, the reader. If you catch Peyton trading smug looks with Amy Poehler, or slogging through a 15-minute sketch with Seth Meyers that doesn’t seem to have any purpose, or wistfully looking at musical guest Carrie Underwood and wishing she were skinnier, balder, and had a penis, let us know. To tide you over, I’m saluting the first overall pick of our nation draft, Brazil, with a Brazilian cheerleader:
And here’s a bonus pick of Carrie Underwood for all you aspiring Rick Majeruses (Majeri?). Happy weekend, everyone.
Good.
