Don’t count on KSK to provide much in the way of bona fide draft analysis. Rather than discuss mid-round sleepers, we are far more likely to hold a mock draft of possible Dreamboat-Moynahan baby names (for the record, I call dibs on “Robespierre”) . But the well-hung devils at Football Outsiders report that linebacker Zak DeOssie is the first Brown University player to be invited to the NFL combine. F.O. compares Zak to the Cowboys’ Bobby Carpenter which, of course, is code for saying “he’s white as the driven snow,” and posits that the Jets may call his name on draft day.

Chris Berman will likely spend a substantial portion of draft day slurping this kid and asking the well-coiffed Mel Kiper, Jr. questions like, “So this DeOssie fella, would you say he’s the next Butkus or is he the next Singletary?” If you needed a reason to skip ESPN’s draft coverage, besides the fact it is about as entertaining as watching paint dry, you now have one. Berman is notorious for tipping draft picks seconds before they are formally announced, but would he go so far as to try to influence the pick?

Goodell (approaching podium): “With the first pick of the 2007 NFL Draft the Oakland Raiders select Jamarc—“

Berman (interrupting): “The Nut Zak!!! Zak DeOssie, FROM…”

T.J. (enthusiastically chiming in from the peanut gallery): “BROWN UNIVERSITY!!!”

(And, yes, Al Davis is senile enough to let something like this happen.)

I’ve never rooted for a draftee to be a bust. [Editor's note: this is a dirty, dirty lie.] But I dread the prospect of Berman calling this guy’s number during the highlights for years to come. I don’t want to see a major head injury turn DeOssie into a drooling moron (see: Hoge, Merrill), but something like a bum knee wouldn’t be so bad. Plus, dude went to Brown– if football doesn’t work out for him, he’ll be all right.

From left to right: Zak, Zach and Zakk

What are you having, dear? Quail? Ooh. Sounds exotic. Oh, me? Well, you know me. I think I’ll have the chicken.

Yes, I know I order it every time, but doggone it if I don’t like it. Besides, all this other stuff on here looks potentially exciting. This steak comes with a small thing of horseradish on the side, and horseradish has a real kick! No, that’s too adventurous for me. Good old chicken does the trick. In fact, I may have the chef just boil it and serve it to me unadorned. But I’ll be sure to have him boil it thoroughly. I wouldn’t want to get salmonella!

Hello, waiter! Jeez, he’s been ignoring me for hours. Maybe I should raise my voice just a teeny tiny bit. Umm, waiter? Yes, I know that wasn’t louder, dear. I’m building up to it. I can’t just go from zero to apoplectic in two seconds! If I turn and look at him with longing eyes for a solid hour or two, he may notice me.

Hey, where are you going? What do you mean, this always happens when we go out? Well dear, these waiters are very busy. You can’t expect them to serve EVERY table. Some may fall by the wayside. Like ours. Every time. Yes, I’m being assertive! I just furrowed my brow at him! And you know how hard it is for me to furrow.

You know what? We can just go home. You make chicken for me every night just the way I like it. No need to visit some fancy restaurant for it. Just good ol’ chicken, unsalted rice, and tap water. Mmmmmm, delicious! I can hardly wait!

Why are you crying? What do you mean, you can’t live this lie anymore? You’re what? You’re sleeping with another man? Well, who is he? Jim? Oh, Jim’s a really nice guy. And he’s sleeping with you? Why, that sly old coot! Boy, I guess he really knows how to please a woman. Wish I could do that. Maybe I’ll ask him for advice.

Am I mad? I guess I should be. But I don’t want to be rocking the boat too much here. If you’re happy loving another man, well I’d hate to get in your way. Divorce? Okay, if you want. 75% to you sound good? I don’t want to be any trouble. Yes, yes. You can have the houses and children as well. I’ll stay at the Motel 6. They’re very nice there. Plus they have pay-per-view television, so I can masturbate quietly and then cry myself to sleep.

Now, where’s that chicken?

What would Mardi Gras be without a few gratuitous pictures of some buxom, bead-grubbing revelers? Laissez les bon temps rouler!

[Click on pic to enlarge (at your own peril).]

What is this, like an internet honor? That’s what you guys do? Hang out on the internet? That’s cool. I like the internet. It’s got pictures of people fucking, and I like fucking. That’s all me.

You know, this offseason has given me a lot of time to think. Maybe it’s time I settled down and really learned my position. I gonna study tapes of all the great ones: Unitas, Montana, Elway, Salisbury – to figure out the nuances of proper NFL quarterbacking. I’m gonna learn to play within myself. I’m gonna learn to start winning games with my head, and not just my arm. It’s time for me to mature as a player. It’s time for me to mature AS A MAN.

Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I would never do that. That’s for queers like Manning.

Can you believe it? We get six months off! How fucking awesome is that? It would have been seven too if they didn’t make me work all January. Well, I’ve got some major league plans to fill all that time and lots of ladies with my ample manpaste. In fact, I even made myself a little list of everything I’d like to accomplish this offseason:

The Sex Cannon’s Goals For the 2007 Offseason

-Throw a Hutch ball 200 yards while masturbating
-Have a plaster cast made of my arm to recreate the “Anal Intruder” sex toy from Top Secret!
-Hey, didn’t we have a Mexican d-coordinator? Where did he go? He was gonna introduce me to his niece. I wanna nail her and then have her cook me some arroz con pollo.
-Learn to speak Mexican
-Stack two waterbed mattresses on top of one other. Fuck on that.
-Fuck on a trampoline
-Fuck on a rock
-Fuck on top of this 500-lb. guy I know named Jim
-Pose on the cover of SI for Kids. Make sure they retouch a comet tail onto the ball I’m throwing. That would be fucking sweet.
-Start children’s charity that teaches underaged kids both how to throw a football and make love like a wild boar
-Try wild boar
-Compose list of words that sound German but are not (example: fluffen: snow)
-Nail German chick
-Make sure her German boyfriend watches and cries
-Lease videotape collection to Orton
-Buy puppy. Fuck it.
-Design official KSK Sex Cannon t-shirt and put it on sale 3 months too late
-Go to gun shop. Tell them I don’t need any guns because I am already fully stocked. Throw a football in the clerk’s face
-Throw cup of warm semen into a NOW rally
-Learn guitar, because guys who rock the guitar get major league pussy
-Let the circus girl out her box. Feed her a Cheez-It
-Laugh out loud when the Bears draft Troy Smith in the second round
-Procreate with every last one of you

Meast of the Year Voting Breakdown:
Grossman: 19 votes
Sanders: 7
Merriman: 6
Prince: 5
LDT: 4
B. Scott: 3
L. Neal: 3
J. Taylor: 2
J. Brown: 2 (shame on you people)
Panthers D: 2 (and the one I’d vote for)
Bears D: 2
Pacman: 2
D. Williams: 2
Faneca: 1
85: 1
Josh Jeff Reed’s wang: 1
Cincinnati Police Department: 1
Me: 1
Eli Manning: 0

…because we get bored at work just like everybody else (except for Caveman, he works at whichever titty bar has the best wireless signal).

Once again the KSK crew decided to kill some additional time with a marathon email thread. This time we decided to conduct a mock draft of the cities we might eliminate if given the means and opportunity (our motives are included). Yeah, we’re not perfect human beings (we aren’t even Mormon!).

1. UM- Baltimore

Like any good District resident I bear a strong loathing for mortal enemies down I-95. If you’re from one city you pretty much have to hate the other, they’re so different and yet so close by. If you don’t hate one of them then you probably live in Columbia, in which case you do not matter.

2. Punter- NOLA

Punter: New Orleans, LA. I’ll get an NFL team in LA. Watch me. “Monday Morning Punter –Finishing What Katrina Started.”

Flubby: You’re crazy, New Orleans might be the best city in America.

Punter: I think pissing in the street is slightly overrated.

3. Flubby- Memphis

I would have taken Memphis even if I had the #1 overall pick.

Apartheid is alive and well in Memphis. All the whites of means packed up and moved to Germantown long ago, leaving a decaying husk of a city behind.

Other reasons Memphis sucks: Mud Island is boring as hell. Dog tracks should not be patronized by civilized folk or anyone who purports to give a damn about dogs. The Peabody Hotel ducks. Not one but two deserted white-elephant arenas: the Pyramid and Mid-South Coliseum. Their minor-league baseball park is named after noted douchebag Tim McCarver. Libertyland: the OD’d over-the-hill porn star of amusement parks.

4. Ape- Cleveland

I know Matt is going with Pittsburgh with the next pick, so it’s tempting to pre-empt him with Seattle, but I’ve ceased to care about Seahawks fans, most of whom have stopped their whining by now. And, having never been to the Emerald City, it would seem foolish to condemn it. Besides, there are still far more clearly worthy of demolition.

Sienna Miller hates Pittsburgh as much as Captain Caveman. Plus she is hot.

5. Caveman- Pittsburgh

I had to think hard about this one, actually. Anyone from Pittsburgh with any kind of intellectual worth leaves the city (see also: Christmas Ape), so the public outcry from the diaspora of Yinzers (who eagerly fled the city) could make Pittsburgh an exceptionally annoying martyr. On the other hand, the destruction of Heinz Field, the Steelers, and the Pittsburghers most closely related to the genus Australopithecus would make it more than worthwhile.

6. Drew- Boston

And I’d take it #1 if I had the choice. Let’s see: cold, fuckface fans, shitty roads that don’t have matching entry and exit points, any number of pretentious jackass college students, the accent, Fenway fucking Park, Bill Simmons’ family, a completely misplaced sense of civic pride, and Legal Seafoods is a fucking ripoff.
BOOM!

7. Drew- LA (ed. note: not on Jack Bauer’s watch!)

It’s the Simmons sweep. It takes 45 minutes to get anywhere in that fucking town, and once you get there you are confronted with a bunch
of self-important douchebags who look right through you. Oh, and
actors in Hollywood are so easily offended that they had to hire Ellen
Degeneres - the comedian for people who don’t like comedy - to host
the Oscars…

8. Caveman- St. Louis

A hundred years ago, St. Louis really was the “Gateway to the West.” Cross-country rail traffic had to go through the hub of St. Louis. And yet today everyone flies through O’Hare. Why is that? Well, I’m not entirely sure, but it may have something to do with the city’s population being smaller now than it was when it held the World’s Fair in 1904. See, not only did the rich white people move to the suburbs (like every American city), they even went so far as to re-draw county lines so their taxes wouldn’t help the black people. Great story, right? But hey, they go to church and cheer for those underdog Cardinals, they must be good people!

BOOM.

9. Ape- Houston

Any place that constantly, miserably hot and humid should have the decency to have at least some redeeming qualities. Instead, you have a spawling town of 2 million people with no culture, the most obnoxious rap scene in the country (I fucking hate Paul Wall), and monstrous economic disparity. Throw in Enron, Tom DeLay and the designation of America’s fattest city for a number of years and no wonder Lisa Novak went fucking nuts.

10. Flubby- Texarkana

Flubby started some long story about a road trip to Dallas involving a quest for beer (the statute of limitations has passed). Here’s the ending…

Finally arriving in Texarkana, we piled out of the van and raced into the gas station. Imagine our dismay when the yokel counter jockey told us that there was, despite what we had been told by the theme from “Smokey and the Bandit”, there is no beer in Texarkana. “Dry county,” said the skinny kid in a Jackyl shirt . “But- but- Jerry Reed promised….” we sputtered to no avail. We slinked back to the van and rode the rest of the way to Dallas in dejected silence. Years later, I’m still bitter. That’s why I hate Texarkana. I can hold a grudge like a motherfucker.

11. Punter- Indianapolis

For reasons already discussed

12. UM- Dallas

As a lifelong fan of the Redskins I pretty much have to hate Dallas (but they make it so easy). Dan Snyder is reportedly putting an “I hate Dallas” clause in the season ticket contracts, oddly counterintuitive coming for the owner of Six Flags. Seriously though, Dallas fucking sucks. The airport is one giant godforsaken circle and all you can hear is some overly accented PA announcer that you just fucking know is wearing a cowboy hat.

13. UM- Columbus

It’s probably been said before (if not it should have been), but Ohio is the appendix of America. It hasn’t been useful for as long as anybody can remember but it’s always there just waiting to fuck up everything you’ve got going. Columbus is the epitome of the forsaken state. It’s filled with Buckeye lovin’ douchebags (sorry Punter) who almost make me not hate Michigan every damn day. Plus I’m jealous of their skills in botany.

14. Punter- DC

He’s just mad because I destroyed C-bus.

15. Flubby- Sioux Falls (a google search backs up flubby’s story that this is not a made up city)

As much as I would like to pick Greenville, SC solely to stick it to Punter over his Tony Mandarich-esque selection, I just can’t do that to the fine people of the Palmetto State.

Give me Sioux Falls, SD a depressing dingy cow-town spotted with incongruous shimmering skyscrapers home to multinationals taking advantage of the state’s predatory usury laws.

16. Ape- Orlando

It contains everything unlikeable about L.A.: relentless traffic congestion; nonexistent public transport; stupid, superficial people. However, it’s all tinged with white trash Florida values and milieu. Most of the terrible pop music you hear comes from Orlando. The public water smells like shit because it’s filled with sulfur and Disney controls everything. Before wising up and finishing my college career at Maryland, I spent my freshman year at UCF, when I still had delusions of being a film student. The 2000 election happened during this year and, despite being in the nexus of the crisis, no one I met in Orlando seemed to give a shit. But when Dale Earnhardt died months later, people were weeping in the streets. Even College Park has more charm than Orlando and that’s saying a lot.

17. Caveman- Staten Island

Detroit and Jacksonville definitely suck, but I’ve got nothing against them personally. I’m gonna take Staten Island as my final pick. Technically not a city, but it’s the cancerous dewlap of New York. It needs to be destroyed.

18. Drew- Atlanta

I need to take a major city to ensure I win the body count here. I want to be the Stalin of the group, not the Hitler. Plus, I’ve killed lots of annoying liberals already. Time to kill me some Georgian conservatives. Along with Atlanta’s shitass traffic, apathetic fans, and Ted Turner. Fuck Ted Turner. Also, I read the first 100 pages of Wolfe’s “A Man In Full” and it fucking sucked.

Dear NFL Gods,

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. Really, this is a dream come true (technically the dream had Norville in Dallas but this is still pretty funny) and I’ve got to give you guys all the credit in the world. Who else but the mysterious spirits in the sky would go out of their way to ensure the hilarity that is the Norv Turner experience. The befuddled expressions, the laissez-faire locker room, and the total lack of institutional control…He’s back BABY!

Sincerely,
A Norv Survivor

Could they have picked a worse candidate? Submit your ideas in the comments!

Dumping Bridget before she gets too old? Smart move, Brady. Slipping one past the goalie right before doing so? Ouch. Did Matty Leinart teach you nothing?

Photoshop work by MDG

The season may be over but for one of the First Ladies of Football things are just getting started. Michae’ Holloman (no relation) isn’t just a sexy cheerleader, she’s also a fucking beauty queen.

The rose goes in the front, big guy.

After winning the title of Miss Maryland (Ft. Washington represent) 2007 Michae’ is preparing to move on to the Miss USA pagaent in March. This is not to be confused with the Miss America pagaent; these ladies forgo the “talent” competition in order to focus their full attention on the tits and ass. Come on Miss America, get with the times. Rocking that body should be worth more than all the juggling and crappy warbling in the world. If these ladies had real talent do you think they’d waste their time with this low-rent shit? Hell no, they’d be too busy giving Simon blowjobs during the commercial breaks on American Idol. Donald Trump know’s what’s up…

If she wins I might have to reevaluate my Black Draft selections–don’t worry Halle, on the national stage she’s still just another busted Marylander (no offense to every girl I grew up with–actually fuck that, offense intended! Bitches…).

MMP: Dearly beloved, and Clint, we are gathered here today to pay the final respects of Ramon Guadelupe “Footsteps” Falco. Falco, though unassuming, was one of the charter contributors to this fine piece of contemporary literature. As fate would have it, his tenure and work were ravaged by ailments that, to this day, remain mysterious to us all. We don’t know why Falco was taken from us, he just kinda disappeared like a blonde tourist in Aruba. Was it cancer, syphilis, or maybe just an unhealthy obsession with his commemorative state quarters collection? We may never know.

Flubby would now like to say a few words.

Flubby: I would?

MMP: C’mon dude, it’s for Falco.

Flubby: [rolls eyes] Fine. [clears throat] Falco died, as so many of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you took so many bright flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc and Hill 364. Falco was a shining example of changing with the times and remaining relevant. How many other people could become an NFL internet wiseacre of considerable renown after a successful pop-music career that culminated in his global smash hit “Rock Me Amadeus.” Once in Marrakesh, Falco and I were discussing the Hegelian dialectic when he remarked—-

MMP: Flub, this is the guy that used to blog with us, not the Austrian one-hit wonder.

Flubby: Really? He’s not the same dude as the singer? You’re sure?

MMP: Pretty sure, bro.

Flubby: Fuck me. You think you know a guy…

Ape: Yeah, I joined the site after he had already gone MIA, so I have little to no recollection.

Unsilent: Right, I think he only did one post that wasn’t a team preview.

Ufford: Maybe he’ll come back from the dead again, like he did for the opening day Pittsburgh bukkake.

MMP: Dicks. [sighs] And so, Ramon…Guadalupe…Falco, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the bosom of the short men’s room urinal in Penn Station, which, for no tangible reason, we suspect you loved so well.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Drew: I hope he’s not actually dead, because that would make all our jokes about him being dead really awkward.

Welcome to what we hope will be the first of many installments of Najeh’s Dump Import. We scour the eBays for the latest NFL skinny because you don’t have time– what with your mounting credit card debt and that scorching case of herpes. As always, we will pretend to be interested in your comments (which is more than ESPN.com will do).

• His self-esteem is Schott? According to Steve Czaban, Marty Schottenheimer has the confidence of an insecure twelve year old girl. (via Larry Brown Sports)
• Prayers to Black Jesus answered? Michael Irvin may soon have a pink slip to go with his fat ties. (NY Post via Shanoff)
• Speaking of Dan Shanoff , he delivers the state of the sports blogosphere in his interview with The Big Picture: him talk good, him have pretty wordhole.