“Hey Joaquin, I’m gonna sell this and buy a week’s worth of speedballs. You want in on that?”

It’s combine time, so we here at KSK asked a high-ranking scout to analyze the prospect’s workouts.

There’s nothing quite like Indianapolis in February. It almost makes me wish I’d never been re-animated… Even though a lot of prospects think they’re too good to participate in the workouts (they aren’t) there’s still a lot to be seen. For instance, Joe Thomas proved that he can in fact run 40 yards quite effectively for an offensive tackle… JaMarcus Russel’s a fatty fatty boombolatty… Some receiver Yamon Figurs ran a 4.3 40. Even though he only has three fingers he’s now expected to go to the Raiders in the second round. At least he can still order a glass of scotch at the Viper Room.

Calvin Johnson is 6’5″ 239 with a 4.35 40. He also pisses excellence while shitting pieces of the True Cross. Matt Millen and Al Davis had such an intense reaction they had to be escorted out by mental health professionals for further examination and treatment… Troy Smith says he’s not working out because he just came off the banquet circuit which is known to cause shortness and weakening of the throwing arm. Hey, has anybody seen Chris Penn?

Brady Quinn’s trainer told him to be a bear before beginning the bench press exercise. Quinn asked if he could still be a bottom. 24 reps, that’s 1 for every guy that’s going before him in the first round. Even I didn’t spend this much time mugging for the cameras (and I was smoldering)… Jarvis Moss just sacked Troy Smith again… Isn’t there any god damn coke in this fucking city? If I don’t get a bump I’m gonna tear out Kiper’s throat with my teeth…

Syndric Steptoe might be short (5’8 5/8″)–but he’s also slow (4.52)! To be fair he was probably just caught up in that banquet circuit, those award shows are really banging down his door… Robert Meechum is really good, he just beat the record for the gauntlet drill (previously held by Questor the Elf)… Florida State’s Chris Davis just fell over his feet on both attempts at the short shuttle drill. After proclaiming himself as Christ Almighty he underwent treatment for Lyme Disease… I need a drink.

Thanks River! We’ll have more from our esteemed scout coming soon.