This is what you’d look like if you were a vegan and you’d just seen Reggie Nelson trap and eat a live gazelle.

Today we’re thrilled to welcome back our exclusive Combine scout, the re-animated River Phoenix

This blogging thing is out of control man (seriously though, what the fuck did you guys do to Wil Wheaton? I told him Star Trek was a bad idea). I just told some guy what I was doing here and he told me that my old friend Flea was blogging for the NBA. Apparently everybody that was there when I died went mainstream. Bastards…

The only experience less thrilling than watching defensive backs running 40′s was playing a gay pseudo-Falstaff opposite Keanu Reeves. Why isn’t he dead yet?… The two safeties everybody clamored to see were Laron Landry and Reggie Nelson. Landry ran a 4.32 to Nelson’s 4.53 (Deion thinks the dreads were worth .1, and you people say he went clean). Nelson gained hasty revenge when he beat Landry unconscious with a pylon–good to see him get his swagger back… Former Terp Josh Wilson led his group with a 4.35. Rich Eisen just said, “that’s one fast turtle!” HAHAHAHA! Please put me back in the ground now…

These guys sure make funny noises when they run. I think Brandon Meriweather just ejaculated at the finish line–that’s gotta slow you down a step or two… Damien Hughes ran a 4.7-something 40 and his vertical test made him look like a white guy. A little bit of advice young man, whenever I had a bad audition I wasn’t afraid to suck the occasional cock. I saw that look in Vinny Cerrato’s freaky eyes…

Sabby Piscetelli reminds me of a young Marky Mark (now I know he’s dead, right?)… Aaron Ross was trained for the 40 by his world record holding girlfriend. He just ran a 4.45 before the testicles fell out of his shorts… If I had lived I’m convinced I could have become Governor of California by now… I fucked Helen Mirren on the set of Mosquito Coast. Just sayin’…

Thanks River! Check back later for a combine wrap-up from our esteemed scout..