It’s quite the quandary for the most popular sports league in the country to have the most boring exhibition of its elite players. It’s a most drab affair, this Pro Bowl. That is, unless you’re actually in Hawaii. Then it’s boring but warm, which makes it immediately appealing to my freezing ass. Nonetheless, the game is a meaningless rigamarole that’s as tedious to watch as it is for the players to pretend-compete in.

Baseball likes to imagine that it inoculated some consequence into their Midsummer Thing That They Do After the Home Run Derby a few years back by putting home field advantage in the World Series on the line. It’s not a terrible idea, even, except that it doesn’t end up affecting anything as none of the World Series that have been held since the rule was implemented have gone to seven games. If football wants to do baseball one better, they’d make it so that all the teams in the conference that loses the Pro Bowl have to play all their interconference games on the road the following season. Draconian, you say, but it’d get me to tune in.

Saving that, the most anyone can hold out hope for are clashes between players with seething hatred for each other, preferably if they’re on the same team. UM will be laying out prop bets on the likelihood of each.

Dwight Freeney and Jason Taylor vs. The Gigantosaur

Shawne Merriman tires of Jason Taylor’s snooty homeschool morals, resolves to no longer use banned substances to gain an edge. Rather, he decided to build strength the Ravenous way. Merriman consumes Freeney and Taylor whole, only slightly unnerved by how much Freeney spins on the way down, and thus gains their strength. Momentarily impressed with the results, Merriman concludes that, fuck it, he’ll go back to steroids.

LaDainian Tomlinson vs. Bill Belichick

LDT swears he’s put his bitter feelings about the playoffs behind him. It seems sincere until he intentionally dives helmet first into Matt Light’s leg on his first carry. Belichick mutters, angrily avoids shaking his hand on the sideline.

Bill Belichick vs. Troy Polamalu

Bill notices the enticing tresses of his strong safety and realizes he hasn’t yet marked off an island girl on his lifetime scorecard of worldly fuck conquests. Bill asks him to don a hula skirt and sprinkle bacon and pineapple bits onto himself. Even though he hasn’t had a good hair pulling since Larry Johnson, Troy calls him a haole dicksnot and throws a lava rock at him.

The Brothers Barber vs. Roy Williams and Roy Williams

Tiki starts in early on with the “I’m seeing double here! Four Roy Williamseseses!” It quickly devolves into Tiki and Ronde spoiling for a fight to prove their brotherly supremacy throughout the league, whereupon they’re reminded that the Lions’ Roy Williams is not related to the Cowboys’ Roy Williams. Tiki makes note of this and plans to drop this factoid during every pregame broadcast next season. Moved by his football savvy, the Lions give him a senior position in their organization prior to the 2008 season.

Pat Williams vs. Casey Hampton

It’s too hot for these fat fucks to fight. Toss a big slab of meet between them and you’ll see something even more disturbing than the Snickers Super Bowl ad. But sheer gluttony overcomes homophobia and they roll with it.

Robbie Gould vs. Tony Romo

Gould doesn’t mind so much Romo fumbling all the extra points, but he just won’t shut the fuck up about Anna Nicole Smith. Gould finally snaps and tells him to worry about the dumb, still living Texas broads that won’t sleep with him. So Romo drops him.

Torry Holt, Shawn Andrews, Jammal Brown, Olin Kreutz, Jeremy Shockey, Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs, Tommy Harris, Brian Dawkins and Lito Sheppard vs. Philip Rivers, Jonathan Ogden, Willie Anderson, Richard Seymour and Al Wilson.

A battle royale for all the players too wussy and lazy to suit up. The NFL needs some face time out of you Snoozin’ Susans and nothing spells ratings like a cripple fight. If this one strikes you as heavily tilted in favor of the NFC, well, hey, it’s about time they won something.